The Wolf’s Whisper: The Complete Series

28. Emily

“ T hank you for taking me to my parents’ house,” I said. “I know it’s pretty out of the way, but I’m a day or so late.”

I chewed my lip. Staying at Caleb’s was like occupying our own little bubble, where nothing else existed outside of the two of us, but that isolation was comforting instead of worrying. Already, I found myself craving to go back to it, but I couldn’t. I was a somewhat grown woman with responsibilities and obligations.

“It’s no problem,” Caleb murmured, but he didn’t glance at me out of the corner of his eye like he did before while driving.

Maybe it was all in my head, but he was pulling away from me.

Had I done something wrong?

“Still, I appreciate it. After everything that happened with Gavin…” Goodness, had that only been two days earlier? It seemed like a lifetime ago. Caleb was a stranger, for all intents and purposes, yet he didn’t feel that way after the days we’d spent together. “Well, it was a nice break away from all of that.”

“I can imagine.”

That just begged the question: if Caleb didn’t feel like a stranger to me, what was he?

It was a loaded query. I couldn’t push my mind away from it because the lab girl in me loved labels and data sets. Organizing what went where by specific, measurable criteria was borderline stimming for me.

What data did I sort Caleb by, then?

He was my guardian. Not too long ago, I’d been terrified of him. In fact, I’d been so sure that he was a dangerous stalker, I’d contemplated how he’d ruin my life. Obviously, he wasn’t in that category anymore.

He wasn’t a romantic partner, certainly not a boyfriend, though he was the man who’d taken my virginity, and the man I’d given a blowjob to the night before. I’d spent more nights in his bed than with the ex-boyfriend I’d dated for over a year.

So where did that put him?

I didn’t know, even as we pulled up in front of my parents’ house. It was funny, compared to a lot of Gavin’s circle, my family was fairly low-income. We didn’t have a summer house anywhere, and I’d never grown up with a nanny or any staff. But thinking back to Caleb’s small, respectable place, his battered-looking bike, and the truck he’d borrowed from his friend, I realized my parents’ place must seem rather intimidating.

Perspective was a funny thing.

That was likely one of the reasons he’d been so reticent to approach me at first. I was from an entirely different world than his.

Well, I was glad to be a part of his world now. Even if I was still terrified of my shift, with no idea where everything would lead, I was glad I finally got to reconnect with someone I’d known in my childhood. Things like that happening to an adoptee were one in a million, so I didn’t want to take it for granted. I was just so grateful that he’d found me before I could accidentally harm my family. I’d have never forgiven myself if I’d attacked them. I owed my parents everything. So many of my friends had awful, abusive home lives, and though my parents could be out of touch, and my mother melodramatic, they were the best I could ever ask for.

But as I opened my door to go, something inside just felt off-kilter, like when I was younger and knew the smiling popular girls were making fun of me, but I couldn’t quite figure out how.

“Hey, are we okay?” I asked Caleb, pausing on the very edge of the seat, as if preparing an escape route in case he said something negative.

At that, he blinked, like he was back in reality again. “Yeah, why?”

“You seem a little out of it.”

“Do I?” He let out a nervous chuckle that sounded rather unlike him. “I’m sorry about that. I have a lot to do in the next few days, and it’s distracting me.”

At that, he leaned over and kissed the top of my head. It was embarrassing how much I flushed from that, my toes curling inside my shoes. He really had a visceral effect on me, and I both loved and loathed it. The rush was nice, but I hated feeling so obvious. It was... vulnerable in a way I wasn’t used to.

“I want to make sure I have everything we could possibly need before your shift. Remember to call if you feel any escalation in your symptoms, okay? This is a scary time, but you’re not alone in this.”

I gave him a little salute to lighten the moment. As much as I appreciated that he’d be there for me as my guardian, my stomach still roiled with nerves at the thought of my impending change. Some moments, I forgot I had some monster growing inside me. After all, I still felt like Emily, though there was a ticking time bomb sitting right in my chest, waiting to burst out.

Yikes.

“I know, and I promise,” I said. “I’ll call you at the first sign of trouble!”

“You better.”

I had the immediate urge to kiss him. Not heatedly, not like the times we’d fallen into bed together, not desperate or filled with desire, just a cute, sweet little peck on the lips to show him I’d miss him.

Lord, I really needed to get my emotions in check. Otherwise, I was going to be making a lot of trouble for myself when I didn’t need any.

So I didn’t, even though I really wanted to. Instead, I slipped out of the truck and closed the door behind me before heading inside.

I’d assumed that once I was in the house, I’d go straight up the stairs and find my mother, throwing myself into her arms before regaling her with a sanitized version of the last couple days. Instead, I stood just inside the door, looking out the window as Caleb pulled away.

Already, I was recalling the sensation of his hands on my body. How warm and comforting they were in the shower, how they’d relaxed me as they kneaded and soothed. How intense and borderline burning they’d been when our bodies intertwined, Caleb working me up to another orgasm.

I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to be stuck going through a shift completely alone, not knowing what I was, thinking I was dying. What if my parents had tried to take me to a hospital, and I’d shifted in the middle of the emergency room?

Nightmares, horror stories, all of it, and thanks to Caleb, none of those would be my fate. I felt such gratitude, soft yet vibrant, and found myself regretting not kissing him. So what if I had complicated feelings about Caleb? Most importantly, I could trust him, and he’d help me into this entirely new life.

So why did my gut keep telling me something was wrong?

This could just be paranoia brought on by my impending shift, or maybe it wasn’t. Either way, I watched Caleb drive off, then took a couple deep breaths before going to find my mom.

It took maybe two steps before I realized I’d have to update my mother about Gavin and decide exactly how much detail I wanted to give. I’d known beforehand that I’d need to at least tell her something, but now, in the moment, I found myself at a loss for words. Would she judge me? Say this was what I deserved for stringing Gavin along for over a year? Say I was overreacting?

When I tried to picture any of those scenarios in my mind’s eye, I couldn’t envision such poisonous words coming from my own mother’s lips. Yet, something within me was so afraid that maybe, just maybe, I’d read her as poorly as I’d read Gavin.

The more I thought about it, the more I remembered, and the sensations from that night made their way back. The discomfort as Gavin tried to hurry me along. The way his grip on me felt punishing instead of enticing. How he stopped viewing me as a person and more as a decorated fleshlight he could use however he wanted.

God, it was awful. I wished I could erase him from my brain entirely, just scrub his presence from my mind.

I need a brain wash, gray matter bath... I mused to myself, remembering a song from an old dancing game I used to play.

Even that wasn’t much of a comfort. I got maybe halfway down the hall before my bottom lip quivered, and my knees shook. Staying with Caleb had delayed the fallout of my boyfriend trying to sexually assault me, and now there was no more dodging it.

Unless…

I could always slip right out the door and deal with it later.

As tempting as that was, though, I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and run away, either. As reserved as I was, as fiercely independent as I tried to be, I mostly just wanted a hug from my mom.

“Sweetie, is that you?”

It was like hearing her voice had unlocked something within, unlatching the gate that was holding back the deluge. The next thing I knew, big, fat tears were welling up in my eyes.

I was already a mess, and I hadn’t even said anything yet.

I looked up and saw my mother standing at the top of the stairs, and I was teleported back to the many times I’d gone running to her as a kid: when I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. When I got into a fight with my best friend in second grade and she broke up with me. When my date for prom decided to go with someone else from a different school at the last minute. When I finally admitted I had an eating disorder and needed help being truly healthy instead of obsessed with being thin.

“Mom,” was all I got out before the waterworks finally released. I tried to get through a whole sentence, I really did, but once the switch flipped, there was no going back. Ugly sobs punched their way out of my throat, my shoulders shaking.

“Oh, honey, what’s wrong?”

I didn’t know how she got down the stairs so fast, but the next thing I knew, I was being pulled into a warm, lovely hug. When had I gotten as tall as my mother? It must’ve been years ago, but I’d never quite realized it. Time and life were funny like that, always changing, always urging us to catch up.

“It’s okay, sweetie, I’m here, I’m here,” she soothed. “Why don’t we go into the living room and sit down? I’ll make you some tea? I have some fresh biscuits I made this morning. I could make you a sandwich?”

It was so like my mother to comfort me with food, but I didn’t resent it at all. I knew there were plenty of people who’d never been lucky enough to have a parent be so attentive to them.

I managed to nod, and the two of us made our way to the living room. She set me up with the tissue box and a blanket on the couch, then hurried to the kitchen, and though I didn’t really want her out of my sight, it helped to hear her moving around. Warmth and fondness rose up in my chest, a stark contrast to all the panic, worry, and downright disgust otherwise slithering through my veins.

Even a couple of days out from the event , as my mind had started calling it, I still felt Gavin’s hands, smelled too much of his cologne. I hated it. I hated it, and I hated him.

When my mother finally came back, it was like seeing a lighthouse in the storm, and though I didn’t know quite what I was going to say, I knew that no matter what came out of my mouth, I was in a safe place to say it.

“I don’t know what’s going on, baby,” she said as she sat beside me, putting an arm around my shoulders while handing me a steaming mug of tea, “but you don’t have to say a thing. I’m right here with you.”

She was so sweet. So kind. While I appreciated the grace, I knew if I didn’t say anything now, I’d risk it festering inside for far too long. Instead, I took a long sip of tea, a bite of the warmed biscuit with butter and passionfruit jam, and then finally looked for the right words.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Then speak. It was a simple process, what I’d been doing since I was a toddler, yet the ability was withering away on my tongue.

I wasn’t willing to let Gavin influence me any further, and after one more beat, I cleared my throat and urged myself to be brave. If there was anything I’d learned over the past couple days, it was that I was certainly worth the effort.

“Mom, it’s about Gavin…”

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” my mother asked, her voice low, cautious, though still assuring.

I nodded, my words still coming and going.

The conversation in our living room had gone much smoother than I had ever anticipated. As much as recounting everything made me want to fight someone, throw up, and just go to sleep for a few years, I managed to get it out with minimal wailing. I did, however, work through an entire tissue box.

I’d expected a lot of things from my mother, like comfort and advice, and while she’d given those, I hadn’t expected her to march over to the gun safe and start punching in the code. Never in my entire life had I seen her even approach the dark box mounted on the wall of my father’s study, but I appreciated that she was so incensed.

Cooler heads prevailed, however, and the gun stayed in the safe while the two of us returned to the couch and held each other. I cried a lot more, drank more tea, and my mother was just... there for me.

It was healing that could never be replicated anywhere else, and after an hour, we put a movie on and just watched it together, fairly silent but entirely comfortable.

“Yeah,” I said, forcing more confidence into my voice, “I know some people would say I should do this in person, but…”

“Fuck ‘em,” my mom growled.

The day was full of firsts, as I’d never heard my mother drop the “f” bomb before.

“Other people aren’t living your life,” she said. “That rat is lucky he’s getting a breakup text instead of a bullet through the head.”

I nodded. “When you’re right, you’re right.”

Imagining my small mother enacting justice on Gavin was pretty entertaining, but my guts were in knots. If I had my way, I’d never interact with Gavin again, just delete every aspect of him from my life and move on, but real life didn’t work like that. I needed to make sure it was one hundred percent clear that we were over and he’d never approach me again.

I finished the last sentence in the text I’d been going back and forth over. It wasn’t some crazy zinger, and it took a while for me to get the finality I wanted. The weight.

“Do you wanna look over this for me?” I asked, handing my mom my phone.

“Oh, are you sure, honey?”

I nodded, kicking off the fluffy blanket wrapped around me as I did. I’d been enjoying being cozied up on the couch in my softest, coziest PJs. But now I could feel my temperature spiking, sending little beads of sweat trickling down the back of my neck.

The fever. Caleb had warned me about this, but I still felt so ill-prepared. At least with the Gavin issue out of the way, that was one less thing splitting my attention.

My hand went to my necklace, subconsciously reaching for it to worry at the chain. But it was only as my fingers brushed against flesh instead of metal that I realized I wasn’t wearing it at all.

I’d taken it off before I’d slept that first night at Caleb’s, hadn’t I? The memories were all fuzzy, as I’d had a lot more important things happening at the same time, like my first sexual experience.

No big deal at all…

“I think this is good,” my mother said, although I could tell there was something... off with her tone.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, worried that she was somehow sparing my feelings. Right now, I just wanted her honest opinion on everything.

“Oh, nothing specific , sweetie. Just, well, all the emotional fallout that comes from things like this.” I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I understood until she continued. “That future I daydreamed about you having is gone now, or at least the version with Gavin in it. I know you’ll eventually find someone who treats you right. Still, I can’t help but be, I dunno, melancholy about it all.”

Now I understood exactly what she meant. It still felt like I was grappling with the reality of the situation while the long-term stuff was just hanging in a cloud over my head to deal with later. Things like how Gavin was never going to propose to me, that we’d never share laughs at a late-night diner after way too much time studying, that I’d never get to ruffle his hair when he dropped me off at my dorm.

So many possibilities, so many daydreams, and all of them were gone. Forever. It was like an entirely new layer of grieving I’d have to process.

“Yeah,” I said slowly, as if the sheer weight of my own thoughts was making my speech run at molasses speed. While there was the inherent loss of everything associated with Gavin, there was also the entire world I’d gained with Caleb.

Did I tell my mother that not only did shifters exist, but I was one of them? Did I sit and explain the differences between the werewolves we saw in movies and the mystical creature I was? Even though I loved her with all my heart, and she was so understanding about everything with Gavin, I still felt there was a line I couldn’t cross. It was one thing to explain to my mother that I’d been sexually assaulted by someone we’d both trusted; it was another to say that a giant wolf would bust out of my body soon enough. One very keen on killing her, and possibly my father, too.

The thought made me shudder, so I quickly shoved it away. No, I’d tell my mother about my shifting abilities once I had control of them. That way, I could make my teeth grow or my eyes glow, just like Caleb. That was about the most convincing thing I could do as proof.

After all, I hadn’t even had my first shift, so it wasn’t like I had any proof yet. Not without Caleb around.

“It’s a lot to deal with,” I said.

“I know, sweetie, I know. But I hope you also know you’re not in this alone. Whatever you want, I’m here for, whether that’s pressing charges, going to the safe, or just ignoring him forever, it’s whatever you want.”

“I think the safe is permanently out,” I said, raising an eyebrow.

My mother let out a sigh, dropping her head on my shoulder. “Really? A shame. I’ve been practicing at the range for so long, thought I might actually make use of it.”

“Since when have you been going to the range?” I asked, surprised yet again. I’d thought I knew my parents pretty well, but now there were some real gaps. “And since when do you call it ‘the range?’”

I knew Gavin and some of his family members had memberships there, not because they were particular gun enthusiasts. They needed a place to go with their NRA connections. So while I’d seen the place once or twice, I wasn’t exactly familiar with it.

“Since I started going last year, don’t you remember? Gavin got your father and me a three-month membership there for free. Your father let his lapse, but I liked that I was learning a new skill, and I’d quite the proof of my improvement. You know, it’s important to have hobbies in my older age. Don’t want the mind to go!”

It was exceedingly difficult to imagine my rather white-bread, middle-aged mother at the gun range, her hair pulled back into a sensible bun, reading glasses on the tip of her nose, but it wasn’t unwelcome. I liked that my mother had a way of defending herself. God knew I’d learned how a moment could switch from something inane to a matter of life and death.

“You’re not old, Mom,” I said. Maybe I was feeling a touch sensitive about that topic after Caleb told me how long shifters lived. I knew it was natural for children to outlive their parents, but the thought that I’d be kicking a century or two after they moved on in their journey… well, it was another thing I didn’t want to think about.

“Yes, I am, honey, but that’s okay. Getting older is a part of life and something I’m privileged enough to experience. Not everyone is as lucky as I am.”

That was most certainly true, and in fact, that was the entire reason I was in her life. My biological parents had drawn the short end of the stick and had their experiences cut off when they were still in their prime. At least that’s what I assumed happened, now that I knew they were both fairly important shifters in a pack. Before, I figured it was a toss-up as to whether they’d abandoned me, lost their custody rights, or tragically passed away. I’d never really put the time into finding out because I figured it didn’t matter. Now, though... now I was curious if my mother knew a little more than I’d thought.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Do you know anything about my biological parents?”

She lifted her head from mine, giving me a curious look. “What makes you ask that?” Her tone wasn’t defensive, just a little uncertain, and I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t like I’d ever shown interest in the subject before.

“I suppose I’ve been thinking a lot about how exactly I got to where I am right now. All the different paths and possibilities.”

My mother nodded sagely, and I suddenly realized where I’d gotten that particular habit. “I can understand that, sweetie. Just so you know, I’d be happy to tell you everything I know about your parents at any time. I was surprised that when you were young, you were insistent that you wanted to know nothing about them. Still, I’d always respected that.” Her eyes grew misty, like they always did when she was getting emotional, but I didn’t mind. That was one of the things that made my mother so wonderful. “Honestly, it was a boost to my ego. Even though you were a kid, you were so adamant to prove you saw us as your real parents.”

“You are my real parents,” I said fiercely. I hadn’t spent years of my childhood defending my mother and father just to change now. I had more information now, and but that didn’t change who’d put band-aids on my cuts growing up, who’d soothed me after nightmares, who had held my hand, encouraged me, raised me. That would always be my mom and dad. We were the Renards, through and through, come hell or high water.

“Oh, I know, baby, I know. I just wanted you to know I’ve always been ready to answer any questions you have. I’m afraid I don’t have much information about them, but I’ll tell you everything I know.”

“Thank you,” I said breathlessly, pulling her into a hug. I held her for quite a while, and when I finally let go, both of us were wiping our eyes.

To her credit, my mother found her voice after only a short pause, clearing her throat a couple times before speaking. “From what I was told, your parents passed away in a car accident. A particularly violent one.”

Oh... oh, God. Was that true? Caleb had said I was snatched while he was watching me. How could that possibly be correct if I were in a car accident? Surely he’d have remembered something that traumatic!

“When first responders found it, they didn’t think there’d be any survivors. When they found you, well, they were certain you wouldn’t make it, but you pulled through—a miracle.”

My mind was spinning, and I did my best to control myself as I tried to slide puzzle pieces into place. Caleb had said I was taken, and that my parents had stuck around for three years. I doubted he was lying to me, so what’d that mean?

“Did I have any identification on me?” I asked.

“No, which made it so confusing. There wasn’t a lick of ID on anyone, and the car wasn’t registered anywhere.”

Now, wasn’t that curious?

“They hoped that eventually, you’d get some residual memories, but you were so young, and the car crash so severe, it seemed you didn’t remember anything of your old life. Not that it’s entirely unusual, as you were nearly a toddler, but still... there was no hope.”

No ID. No registry on the car. No memories. If I had to hazard a guess, whoever had died in that car crash weren’t my parents at all. They were my kidnappers.

Well, karma sure showed them.

“Are you all right, honey?” my mom asked. “You look pale.”

“Just thinking,” I said. It wasn’t like I could explain everything going on. Too much information, one way or another, would lead down a path of explaining far too much in too little time. “It’s crazy how my story started out.”

“It is,” she agreed. “But it makes me grateful every single day that somehow, against all odds, we managed to find each other.”

“I’m grateful, too.” I was, I really was, but I was finding out so many things about myself, and they made my life seem so different. “Did... did you ever have an inkling of my birth name?”

“No, sadly. We thought it might be Kayla at one point, but that theory fell through.”

“Kayla?” I repeated, turning the phrase over in my mouth. It didn’t feel right. “Why that?”

“You didn’t talk for quite a while, not unless it was absolutely necessary, but you did ask for ‘your Kayla’ quite a lot when you chose to speak on your own. Like I said, for a while, we thought it was you trying to say your name. But then, with the way you said it, it sounded more like a babysitter, or a favorite doll. We really tried to figure it out, but by the time you were ready to express yourself more easily, you stopped asking for it entirely.”

Hmmm, Kayla did sound an awful lot like Kaia, but it was strange I would be asking for my own name.

Maybe... had I been asking for Caleb , and I just couldn’t pronounce the “b?”

“Thank you, Mom. Was there anything else unusual about my adoption? Or was it pretty smooth sailing?”

“No, I don’t think there was anything else out of the ordinary. Granted, I’m by no means an expert, but as far as our lawyer told us, our experience was fairly universal for adopting a child orphaned by rather traumatizing means.”

“Ah, okay. Thank you. I guess everything that’s happened has put me into a pretty contemplative mood. Wondering who I am, where I come from, and all that.” Not exactly the truth, but not a lie, either. For a good long while, I’d be treading that line a lot with my family. I hated it, but it was a necessary part of learning how my new life as a shifter would go.

“That makes perfect sense, honey. This is a perfectly natural journey for you to be on, all things considered.” She handed me my phone and pressed another kiss to my cheek. “This text is perfect. When you’re ready to send it, I’ll be right here.”

I took my phone in one hand, then intertwined my fingers with hers. I was so incredibly grateful that she was by my side. I wish my first instincts were to run from her when things had gotten bad, but I still wanted to be that perfect child I’d never really been and she’d never expected me to be. Sometimes I put the strangest pressure on myself.

But it was time to be brave.

With a deep breath, I hit the send button on my phone, then immediately turned it off. Whatever happened would happen, and that wasn’t my problem. I’d set my boundaries, and Gavin and I were officially over.

It was done.

A weight felt lifted off my shoulders. Things hadn’t ended how I’d ever wanted them to, yet I knew what I deserved, and it wasn’t how Gavin treated me. I’d just been so happy to find someone to love me after so many years of thinking I was unlovable that I ended up overlooking far too much.

Lesson learned.

Even though I was proud of myself, though I knew I’d done the right thing, it still felt like a dagger was slowly being pressed through my heart.

What gives? I was supposed to be happy!

Before I knew it, I was crying again, something I’d thought I’d gotten out of my system. But nope, I was in for more tears.

“Oh, honey, I’m here, I’m here,” my mom said. “What’s wrong? Is it something new? Or just another wave hitting you?”

I cried for a few minutes before I could answer, and when I did, my voice was wrecked. “Is love always supposed to hurt like this?” Between my uncertainty about my attraction to Caleb and latent shame about everything that had happened with Gavin, I was full of unpleasantries.

“Oh, my darling, I’m so, so, so sorry. No, love isn’t always going to hurt like this, I promise. Love comes in so many forms, and most of them aren’t convenient. Some of them will hurt you, some of them feel like they’ll tear you in two, but those are the loves you learn aren’t good for you. They’re like junk food—fine for a short while, but nothing you can subsist on. But real love, the right kind, is something else entirely. It’s different for everyone—some romantic, and some more platonic—but I promise you’ll feel the difference.”

I thought about my rollercoaster ride when it came to Caleb, and how it was hard to tell the difference between natural lupine attraction and genuine emotion. My mother had no idea I’d just lost my virginity to a man I hardly knew, nor that I was rapidly becoming more and more attached to him.

“How can you be sure?” I asked. “How am I supposed to know?”

“I promise, dear, you’ll know. With your father and I, it was because I knew I could always count on him. If I was having a bad day, I called him up and vented for hours. If I needed advice because I was stuck on something, I could always get his opinion. When I was afraid, he’d comfort me. When I was scared, he was there to hold my hand.” She smiled. “He knew I was there for him, too. You know, the world is so busy that we forget about those around us, but your father and I always made time for each other. Made sure we knew the other was the priority. Were we perfect? Hardly! But we both knew the other was trying.” She looked at me intently. “It was that dependability that allowed us to grow together and fall deeper and deeper in love. I know lust can be passionate and exciting, but that new relationship energy will eventually burn out, and what remains in the ash shows if you’ll make the distance.”

Not for the first time, I was struck by my mother’s wise words. I liked to think I took after her, though I didn’t have nearly the handle on human emotions that she did. Maybe one day, when I was really a grownup. At the ripe old age of twenty-two, I still felt like a slightly extended teenager. A baby deer far too wobbly on her legs.

“Thank you, Mom,” I said.

“Of course, sweetie.” She checked her own phone before sending a mischievous grin. “Your father should be home from golf in a half hour. What do you say to making brownie sundaes, then the three of us can all watch Spartacus or Ben-Hur once he’s home?”

I grinned happily, wiping at the tears that had gathered in the corner of my eyes. “Yeah, I’d like that,” I said, my heart very full despite all the negative emotions dragging me down. “I’d like that a lot.”

No matter what happened, no matter how much my shift changed me, I’d always have my family.

The question was whether that family would include Caleb or not.