Chapter 33
CHAPTER 33
2023
Saoirse
“Did she make it? Bernie made it, right? You said you got the train to Belfast together, so Bernie survived, didn’t she?”
My chest is tight and I’m as invested in Bernie McCarthy’s well-being as if I had just witnessed her being bundled into the back of Christy’s car right before my eyes. Maura sighs, remembering, and I can see that even after all these years this part of her story is still raw. Our train is stopped somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The service announcement said something about a fallen tree on the tracks—I couldn’t make it out exactly over the sound of collective grumbling from passengers. Maura seems content to sit and wait, looking out the window at the pretty scenery of untouched countryside.
“She made it. Yes, she did. But her little boy, her beautiful little boy, did not.”
“Oh.” My heart sinks.
“Philip, they called him. He’d be fifty-three now. A man. With children of his own, perhaps.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure that must have been an awful time for you.”
“It was an awful time for a lot of women,” she says. “But thankfully there were men in the world like Dan McCarthy. Men who cared more about their wives and their daughters than anything else.”
My phone rings and Miles’s number appears on the screen.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I should take this.”
“Is he a good man?” Maura asks, pointing at my phone.
I swallow. “He’s a great man.”
Maura smiles, and I stand up and put the phone to my ear. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
I walk toward the back of the carriage where it’s quieter.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Not really. You?”
“Not really.”
“Where are you? Are you coming home?”
“I’m on a train…” I take a breath.
“A train. To where?”
“Belfast.”
Miles scoffs. “What’s in Belfast?”
“I’m not sure, really. Answers, maybe.”
“Answers?”
“I’m sorry. I know this is making no sense. I didn’t even mean to get on a train. But I met this lady, and she’s sort of telling me her life story from back in the day and it’s helping, you know.”
Miles takes a deep breath and puffs it out. “I’m not really following, to be honest.”
“I know. I know. It’s all a bit mad. I know. But, Miles?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a good man.”
“Eh?”
“I just want to tell you that. I know I stormed out earlier and things are up in the air right now, and I’m on a train…” I giggle and hope he laughs too, but he doesn’t seem to find any of this amusing.
“When are you coming home? Are you coming home?”
“I think I need to see this journey out.”
“A journey to Belfast.”
“It’s a bit more than that, but yes, I need to go to Belfast. And then I’ll come home. I’ll get on the very next train back to Dublin.”
“You’re scaring me, Saoirse. Just come home, please? We need to talk.”
“I’ll text you when I get to Belfast,” I say. “And when I’m on the train home, okay?”
Miles doesn’t reply and I swear I can hear his heart aching. It hurts me.
“I love you,” I say.
“I love you too. I’ll see you later, yeah?” He sounds unsure.
“I’ll see you later,” I say. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
The train starts to move again without warning and I wobble and almost stumble. I slide my phone back into my pocket and return to my seat. Maura lets me have the first word.
“That was my fiancé,” I say. “He was just checking where I am.”
“And where are you?”
I look out the window at the countryside, whizzing by once more. But I know Maura is asking for more than my location. Where am I? I’m where I want to be. Childless. Maura might be okay with that answer, but I know in my heart that Miles will never be. I stare out the window at countless green fields and hay bales and cattle and I wonder if the Irish countryside has changed much in fifty-odd years.
“There’s a stop coming up soon, if it’s time to get off,” Maura says, and I feel her hand on my knee.
“I don’t think so. It’s not time yet.”