Chapter 30
ELLIE
Lazy weekends took on a different shape in the weeks since Jake left for New York.
After a morning session of Little Kicks in the park, we skipped our usual brunch in a local café in favour of a quiet lunch at home.
It wasn’t the same without Jake anyway.
Noah was still a bit subdued on days like this, when Jake’s absence was even more apparent, so I treaded carefully and let him guide me on what he wanted to do.
His first wish was Bluey, insisting we watch with my head resting in his lap so he could play with my hair. The gentle rhythmic motions of his little fingers dragging against my scalp had my eyes falling shut until both my phone and iPad pinged.
The iPad was closer, so I swiped at the screen and couldn’t help but smile seeing Jake’s name in bold in my email notifications.
After his one and only postcard took a long time to arrive, I wasn’t surprised he’d started sending emails instead. They weren’t a daily occurrence, but they were enough to keep my son smiling.
“You got another email from Jake,” I told him. “Let’s see what he’s been up to this time.”
To: EllieBrooks98@,
Reply-To: Jake@
Subject: COOL PICTURES FOR NOAH
Dear Noah,
Today I took a lift all the way to the top of this super tall building called the Rockefeller Center to take pictures of the view across Manhattan.
It was amazing! I could see the whole of New York for miles.
I was so high up the Statue of Liberty looked like the size of the tokens we use playing Monopoly!
I’ve sent some cool pictures so you can see for yourself, including one of my face so you remember what I look like. Don’t want you to forget or anything. I hope you’re having fun and being good for your mum. Give her a hug from me. You know the one.
Love Jake x
PS: I miss you. Both of you.
I’d barely finished reading Jake’s email out loud when Noah crawled into my lap and wrapped his arms tight around me, as best he could.
“What are you doing, Bub?” I asked, quickly setting the iPad to one side.
“Giving you a hug from Jake. He said when we missed each other to think about when Bluey hugs Bingo ‘cause that’s how we’d hug too.”
“Oh. That’s nice of him. You do give the best hugs.”
“I know.”
I crushed him close, overwhelmed with emotion. Just when I thought I was making progress, that each day was easier than the last, Jake worked his way in with another reminder somehow.
Trust him to make me feel things even from thousands of miles away.
There was no escape.
The rest of the week dragged.
On Friday, Joanna took Noah to some Tots on the Docks event for under fives at the London Docklands, while I went to work.
The day passed in the usual slog of monotony—pulling pints, clearing tables, and wiping down the bar—and I was over it.
There must be more to life than this, I’d wondered all those months ago.
I couldn’t help but recall that day I walked into the bar for my late shift, when Jake was drunk and in turmoil from finding his brother kissing his friend, and how that one event sent us spiralling into a life that changed everything.
There was absolutely more to life than this, and I’d lived it.
It was bittersweet, given the way things had ended, but no less beautiful. I could see that now.
Bertie ambled over from his favourite corner booth and gave me a nod. “What’s got you smiling like that?”
I swept up his empty pint glass, and poured him a fresh one. “Life.”
“Ugh. If you’re gonna get all soppy on me, I’m leaving.”
“I’m in my feels, Bertie. Don’t mind me.”
“Feels?”
I laughed. “How are you? How’s your grandson?”
“Oh, you’re finally interested? You’re too late there. He’s courting someone else now.”
I opened my mouth to disagree, but decided against it. “Ah. You win some, you lose some.”
“I’m surprised though. I thought you were with that fella, what’s his name? Jake.” Bertie closed his eyes in bliss as he sipped his beer. “That hits the spot.”
He set his glass on the bar and added, “Come to think of it, where’s he been? I haven’t seen him in months.”
“He’s travelling right now, but before that he lived with me and looked after my son. That’s why you never saw him. He was too busy for the pub.”
“Hmm. Or more like he got what he wanted at home.”
“Bertie!”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he griped. “I meant that he only ever came here to see you, so if he was seeing you at home, there was no need to come here. That’s all.”
“What are you talking about?”
Bertie lifted his flat cap, scratched his balding head, and stared long enough to make me fidget with unease. “I never pictured you as clueless, Ellie. I’m quite surprised.”
“What do you mean?”
“That boy was crazy about you, anyone could see it. Why’d you think he came to this pub so often? Look at this place.” We glanced around at the wooden tables and worn carpet, dark and old worldly. “Hardly the place for a strapping young lad like him.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“He came here for you. To see you. To be with you.”
“No,” I said slowly.
That wasn’t possible. Jake didn’t think of me that way, not back then.
“Yes,” Bertie replied.
I grabbed a cloth and started wiping the bar. “You’re mistaken.”
“I am not, thank you very much. My god, youths today. Clueless, the lot of you.”
“Bertie. That’s not nice.”
“I wasn’t trying to be. You need to open your damn eyes if you think that boy came in here for anything other than to be with you.
The lad didn’t even live around here. Who comes to a pub miles from where they live and pretends it’s their local?
Nonsense. Just all nonsense. You’re both annoying me. Go away.”
“I—”
“Eleanor.” Martin stomped out of the back office and rounded the bar. He grabbed a clean glass and filled it with Diet Coke from the post-mix beverage dispenser. “I need you to work a late shift tomorrow.”
“You’re so bloody rude,” Bertie snapped. “We were talking.”
“And I needed to talk to my employee, if that’s alright with you.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Albert. I don’t have time for your shit today. Besides, Eleanor knows she shouldn’t be talking on company time.”
“Her job requires talking to customers, you moron. You really are a wank—”
“Martin,” I jumped in before Bertie went too far and ended up barred. “I can’t work tomorrow. I’m sorry.”
“Tough, you have to.”
His tone set me on edge, and the urge to say something rose within me, sharp and insistent. My body flooded with adrenaline because… I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna say something. I’m doing it.
“No. I don’t have to do anything.”
“Excuse—”
“I’m not finished,” I rushed out, and Martin somehow had the decency to stay quiet, or maybe it was purely surprise. “I don’t have any childcare, especially not on such short notice. You’ll have to find someone else.”
“Who’s looking after your kid right now?”
“He’s at nursery today,” I lied.
The truth was, I didn’t want to work another late shift. I didn’t want to spend another night away from my son, lose yet another bedtime to this nasty, little man and this mind-numbing, shitty job.
I didn’t want to do any of it.
“Then he can go to nursery tomorrow too,” Martin said.
“It doesn’t work like that, and definitely not for a late shift.”
Martin’s sigh was spiteful sounding, and I knew he hadn’t listened to a word.
“Look, I didn’t say anything when you left mid-shift when your kid broke his arm, but enough is enough. If you don’t come in tomorrow, Eleanor, you can say goodbye to this job once and for all.”
I peered at him for a long moment, then at Bertie. He looked like he wanted to snap Martin’s neck like a twig and use his bones for kindling, and a strange, calming realisation settled over me.
I couldn’t do this anymore, and I wondered why I ever felt the need to.
Like Jake said—I deserved better. I could get another job.
I had friends now. Not just a village, but a whole community of people who cared and who I could depend on if needed.
Thanks to Jake, I had options, and I didn’t know why it had taken me this long to see them.
Adrenaline fired in my veins.
“Then I guess I’ll say goodbye,” I said.
My pulse roared in my ears.
Martin dropped the dispenser with a loud thunk. “Excuse me?”
“You’re not giving me any choice here, Martin. Consider this my two weeks notice.”
“What kind of idiot quits a job without another one lined up.”
I remembered the job vacancy at the Blackheath bakery and had to restrain a smile. “It’s a risk, you’re right. But you’re such an unbelievable dickhead, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
Bertie cackled.
“Whatever. It’s not like you’ll be hard to replace.”
“Then what’s all this fuss about then?”
Martin’s mouth puckered, and for once it wasn’t my face turning bright red. He sneered at me and stomped away.
“Are you okay?” Bertie asked once we were alone again, watching me closely. “Your face is really red. Are you allergic to something?”
“Yes, I’m allergic to confrontation. I never confront anyone. Never. This is a first for me. My heart is racing.” I clutched at my chest, unsettled by the rapid thud against my palm. “I think I might be having a heart attack.”
I let free a laugh, breathy and loud with disbelief, my hands shaking with lingering adrenaline.
“I have to say, that was bloody marvellous,” Bertie said with a couple of slow claps. “I bet your chap will be annoyed he missed it. He’s been wanting you to do that for months.”
The reminder of Jake was swift and all-consuming. I wanted nothing but to rush into his arms and tell him about my day, to let him know I’d found the courage finally. That I’d stood up for myself and the world didn’t end, in fact, the world had brightened somehow.
If this was how it felt to finally be open with someone I hated, how would it feel to be open with someone I loved?
The certainty had me rounding the bar. “If you’ll excuse me, Bertie, there’s someone I need to call.”