Chapter 32
ELLIE
“Is there any post from Jake?” Noah asked the second we arrived home.
Stop. Thinking. About. Him.
Easy to say, but difficult to do when the reminder of him was everywhere still, and the voicemail I’d left filtered into my consciousness almost every waking hour.
I still can’t believe I did that!
“Not today.” I skated my fingers through Noah’s hair. “But air mail takes a while, so maybe the postman will bring something tomorrow?”
“Oh, okay.” His little head and shoulders drooped. “Can I watch TV?”
“Of course you can. Would you like a snack?”
“Apple and peanut butter please!”
I’d perfected a smile to reassure my son that everything was okay, like any parent, but it was weaker than intended and I hoped he was too young and distracted to notice.
The novelty of eating Jake’s favourite snack would wear off at some point, but if it made Noah happy, I would gladly keep that little connection alive, even if the reminder teared me up inside.
It was just another in a long list anyway…
Post-it notes on the kettle wishing me a good day.
The protein smoothie in the fridge whenever I had an early start.
The three of us snuggled together on Sunday mornings sharing Cheerios and watching cartoons.
All of these things slotted into my life so seamlessly, like they’d always been there, and it was glaring now they were gone. I’d tried my hardest to fill those empty spaces, but the more I tried, the more obvious it became that something was missing.
Someone was missing.
I gave myself a mental shake. I didn’t have breakdowns in front of my son, and I wasn’t about to start now. “Okay, baby. You go sit down and get comfy.”
Noah dumped the empty backpack he’d insisted on wearing for some reason, grabbed Gymnastics Barbie and the Hot Wheels toy car he’d left by the door, and ran off to the living room.
“You’re back!” he gasped a second later.
WHAT?
My heart, my stomach, everything inside me somersaulted, then tumbled again at the deep sound of Jake’s reply. I couldn’t make out what he said, but the joyous laughter was unmistakable.
He’s here.
Torn between disbelief and desperate want, I allowed myself a moment to steady my breath, though it did nothing to settle the churn of emotions and whirling questions.
Why is he back so soon?
How long is he back for?
When—No. I’d worry about that later.
Smoothing my dress, I checked the state of my hair in the hallway mirror, even though there wasn’t time to do anything. Not that it mattered if there was. Jake had seen me at my worst, and never cared about things like that anyway.
I padded to the living room, hovering outside the door.
My pulse soared and didn’t stop.
Jake lifted Noah off the floor in a full body hug, the pair of them laughing as he spun them around, the joy of reuniting some insurmountable energy boost that couldn’t keep them still for a single second.
“Mummy,” Noah sang the moment he caught sight of me. “He’s home. My daddy’s home!”
Daddy.
The casual admittance stole my breath and sent my heart fluttering again, though it wasn’t surprising. Jake was the only father figure Noah had ever known, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t mentioned it before. But hearing it spoken out loud in Jake’s presence was staggering, electrifying.
Life changing.
Lost for the right words, I stifled the rising urge to apologise. I couldn’t be sorry for my son’s feelings, as real and valid as anyone’s, coming from such an honest place. He didn’t understand the complexities of it all. As far as Noah was concerned, Jake was his dad and that was that.
Still, I risked a glance at Jake, and the air seized in my lungs at the raw emotion bleeding into his expression. It wasn’t the shock or fear I’d anticipated, and he didn’t look like he wanted to run away as fast as humanly possible.
It looked like he wanted to stay.
I smiled, despite the tears prickling, overwhelmed by the sight of them together and the pure happiness on Noah’s face, the hope gathering inside me. “I can see that, baby.”
Noah pulled back to cradle Jake’s face, breaking our connection. He smooshed his cheeks then scratched at the hair there, too long to be considered stubble now.
“Hey, buddy,” Jake said softly.
“You came back to me.”
Oh god.
I clutched at my chest, spellbound and unable to look away.
“I did. I couldn’t miss your first day of school, could I?”
Noah stared at him for a moment longer, then whispered something in his ear. Jake listened intently, his smile rising like the slowest bloom.
“I missed you too,” he replied, and squeezed him like he never wanted to let go.
A strangled sob slipped away from me.
Noah tensed, probably confused by the sound of my distress, but Jake stroked his hair and rubbed his back in reassurance.
“I’m okay,” I choked out. “I just need to…”
I thumbed behind me before rushing into my bedroom, slamming my back to the door as if I could keep out the rising tide of emotions somehow.
Futile. No amount of force or walls would distance me from this.
I’d felt torn inside for so long, scattered like scraps of paper in the wind, and I’d always believed that’s how life would be for me.
Until Jake.
I’d reconciled that he wasn’t here to stay, that he was a shred of a moment in my timeline overall, and yet here he was, looking at my son like he was the stars and the moon, and knocking on my bedroom door, wriggling the handle when I didn’t answer.
His head thunked against the wood. “Can I come in?”
“Uh, yeah, hang on.” I wiped my face in case of mascara runs, took a bolstering breath, and opened the door.
The familiarity of him filled my senses, and in that split second, we were back in the train station on the crest of saying goodbye, like no time had passed at all, and how was that even possible?
“Hi.”
“Hey you.” Jake’s smile softened as he took in the state of me, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. “I set Noah up with some apple and peanut butter, and Toy Story.”
I huffed out a watery laugh. “Again?”
He’d watched it last weekend too.
“Hey, don’t knock it. When you love something that much you can never get enough. I would know.” He stepped closer. “You’re my favourite movie. I’d watch you every damn day if I could.”
“Jake,” I breathed out, barely audible above the blood booming in my ears.
“Did you get my postcards?”
What?
I rapid blinked at the subject change, unsure where this was going. “Only one. Noah loved it. It’s pinned to the fridge and we re-read it almost every day.”
His smile melted again. “I love that. But I actually sent two.”
“Oh, well, air mail takes time. What did it say?”
“It doesn’t matter now because I got here first.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I got your voicemail.”
“Oh god.” I shielded my visible cringe with one hand, jolting when Jake pulled it away. He rubbed my knuckles in a tender caress, and linked our fingers together.
All the while I could barely breathe or think for his closeness.
“You asked if you had me,” Jake began, “and I promised I’d never leave you wondering about anything ever again, so I’m here. For you. For both of you, because of course you have me, Ellie.”
Tears blurred the shape of his face. Everything about him—his proximity, his words, the way he couldn’t look away—sent my pulse soaring again, and the hope.
Oh, the hope.
“You also said you wanted me to be happy, but what if I’m happiest with you?”
“I…”
Every single word and reply disappeared.
“Ask me the question, Ellie.”
His gaze turned hot, intense, like he could see through my skin to all the working parts of me, the constant worries and thoughts and wonderings that never quietened no matter what.
I’d wondered months ago, what it was like to be truly known and seen, and here Jake was, staring at me like he could paint me by memory alone.
“Are you… how long are you staying?” I asked, electrified by that knowledge.
“Forever.”
His confession sent sparks down my spine, peppering my skin with goosebumps. There was an adamance to his tone, a strength to his certainty, but I clenched my eyes closed. “Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“Look at me.”
I couldn’t. It was everything I’d longed to hear, but it almost felt too good to be true.
“Baby, please.”
Fingertips grazed the side of my face, stroking out another breathy inhale and pulling my gaze to his.
“Tell me why you don’t believe me,” he said.
“I want to,” I whispered. “I want to so badly, you have no idea.”
“But?”
“But my life with Noah is here, and the whole time I’ve known you, you’ve made it clear that your life was about being anywhere else. That doesn’t go away.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t. But things have changed. You and Noah showed me a side of life I had no idea I wanted until I was living it.”
“But—”
“No, there’s no more buts, Ellie. I thought about you every fucking hour of every day these last few weeks.
You were the first person I wanted to talk to the moment I woke up.
So many times I reached for you, and it felt wrong that you weren’t beside me.
I missed Noah waking me up in the morning and being my little shadow all day, and the weight of him when he fell asleep against me, like he trusted me to keep him safe.
I’ve never had that feeling before but maybe I wasn’t supposed to until someone special gave it to me. ”
“Jake,” I choked out.
“There were families everywhere and all I could think was I’d left mine at home.
Please believe that I don’t want to be anywhere without you and Noah from this point forward.
Wherever you are, that’s where I’ll be too.
Maybe it’ll be here most of the time, and maybe we’ll be halfway around the world too.
We have summer holidays, half-terms, bank holidays.
We get to have it all, Ellie. Together. The three of us. ”
“I don’t want you to resent us. I couldn’t bear it.”
“I could never resent you. I love you.”