10. Rya
10
RYA
My eyes pop open. What was that noise? It registers slowly that I’m in Jaxon’s room—I’ve woken up here several times now, so at least that doesn’t throw me. But my mouth is dry and my head is pounding, and those things are only trumped by the unsettling wash of memories that slide through my head. A breath heaves from me. I can’t right now. Where are Jaxon and Logan? I rub my eyes, wondering if they left for the field without waking me.
Brow pinching at the low, muttered curses coming from the bathroom, I scoot to the edge of the bed and plant my feet on the floor. There’s definitely some dizziness still happening, and when I stand, the unsteady feeling that rolls through me has me gasping aloud. I take several measured breaths before I try to walk and end up grabbing onto the freestanding closet, then running my hand along the wall as I turn the corner.
“You fucking asshole.”
Logan’s heated, strained words come right through the door. My eyes widen. What the hell. Tell me they aren’t arguing in there . Again . Worried, I bite my lip, then raise a shaking hand to the partially open door.
“Come on, fucker.” Jaxon .
Something’s not right. I feel it in my gut, this is going to be bad. My palm sweats where it rests on the door, and I’m nervous about what I’ll find going down inside this room, but I push it open anyway.
At first, I think I must still be asleep and having a seriously weird dream—like a topsy-turvy version of real life that my drugged brain has spun up—of something I’ve conjured out of desperation for my two guys to get along.
But the longer I stand here, feeling woozy and half sick, the surer I am that I’m wide awake and being thrown headlong into some nightmare I probably don’t have the energy for or the wits about me to handle.
Jaxon’s on his knees with his back to me, his mouth full of his stepbrother’s cock. Logan faces me, but his head is thrown back in what can only be described as the most erotically exquisite rapture I’ve ever witnessed.
I’m dumbstruck. That’s the only word for it. My cheeks immediately burn hot as I stare at the two of them, gape mouthed. What the actual fuck? I can’t summon words, and there’s a wholly disturbing buzzing sound infiltrating every corner of my brain. I’m. Speechless.
Jaxon—the guy I’m seeing—moans around my best friend’s dick as it shuttles in and out of his mouth. He’s gripping the fronts of Logan’s bare thighs so hard he’s practically making indentations there. It’s clear what they’re experiencing together is intense, but from the grunts and groans escaping them, it’s highly pleasurable to both parties. My chest constricts, lungs refusing to work right as one erratic thought after another crash through my head. I can’t process a single one before jumping to another. What the fuck? How the fuck?
I blink hard, unsure what to do or say, and the longer I remain a silent participant in this display of hedonism, the more surprised I am that I haven’t crumpled to the floor in a shuddering heap of confusion. My chest jerks, feeling arousal slicking my pussy. I blink again, now wondering how the fuck I haven’t spontaneously burst into flames… but also, how the fuck they could do this to me. My eyes crash shut for a moment. I feel… used.
Somehow, I manage to drag in another breath as I refocus on the pair. Should I just fucking go? My lip trembles, a sudden feeling of insecurity winding around me like some sort of killer vine, threatening to cut off my air supply. Logan’s mouth parts in ecstasy as he brings his head forward. His eyes immediately fall to Jaxon, blazing hot.
But then, he spots me.
Me, standing here like the worst kind of idiot. Oh my god. I’m so fucking stupid.
“Fuck,” he gasps, jerking his dick from Jaxon’s mouth. But as it slips free, his eyes lock on me, and the orgasm he’d been on the brink of overtakes him, his cum painting Jaxon’s lips and chin.
With my eyes wide and locked on Logan, a breath heaves from me, and I slowly shake my head. I can’t believe what I’ve just witnessed. Can’t believe the obvious truth… this is what the problem has been all along. My jaw locks, gaze bouncing back and forth between the two of them as my world stops spinning.
“Rya.” Logan’s voice catches in his throat as his chest heaves with effort. The hurt that must be evident in my expression causes his eyes to crash shut. With jerking motions, he yanks his joggers up, tucking in his semi-hard dick. “Let me explain.”
I shake my head, sputtering as every word I need to say becomes lodged in my hollowed-out heart. Instead, my mind silently screams.
In front of him, Jaxon has stiffened, the muscles in his back jerking. Slowly, he lifts his hand, swiping it over his face before he scrambles to his feet and snatches up a towel. Before he turns, he scrubs it over his face.
When his dark eyes meet mine, I don’t know how to read him. His lips twitch. My gaze drops down the front of him, partly because I have to know what I’m dealing with, but also because I’m curious about Jaxon’s role in this shit show. My brain short-circuits as my eyes wander over the thick line of his hard cock pitching a five-person tent in his joggers. Swallowing hard, a crease forms down the middle of my forehead as I make a valiant attempt at processing what the hell is going on between these two.
“Rya…” My eyes flick up at the sound of my name on Jaxon’s lips. He exhales hard. “I?—”
I hold up my hand. “No,” I bite out sharply while backing away from them. “I can’t?—”
“Rya, please,” Logan chokes out, regret all over his face that only makes the situation I’ve stumbled upon worse.
Our eyes connect and hold as humiliation bubbles up inside of me. I continue to stare at him but gesture to Jaxon. “You actually want me to stand here and listen to whatever you have to say while your cum is still on his face?”
I glance at Jaxon, whose eyes have widened. The pink color high on his cheeks is a dead giveaway, even if his expression is mostly blank. He’d have said something by now if this wasn’t exactly what I thought it was. And suddenly, I want to know. I want to know everything .
In a rush, I let the questions shoot out one after another. “How long has this been going on? Was this funny to you? Am I the unwitting beard?” Anger anchored in abject embarrassment rushes through me, making my skin prickle. Rocked at the looks of dismay on their faces, I bring one hand up to cover my mouth as I stare at them in horror. “Is this some sick game to you?” I suck in air, feeling dizzy. “Am I a fucking joke ?” The sting at the back of my eyes alerts me that I’m dangerously close to losing it. On a choked sob, the tears roll, and I turn, blindly seeking escape. Nothing I believed to be true was. Nothing. “Did I ever really know either of you at all?”
I race from the bathroom, and both Jaxon and Logan drop a string of muttered curses behind me. I’ve just yanked on the door handle, swinging it open when Logan bands both arms around my middle. “Stop, Rya. Give us a minute. Please, baby.”
Stiffening in his arms, I struggle. “Don’t you dare call me baby.” He tugs me backward against the solid wall of his muscular chest, and Jaxon moves around us to shut the door. Before he can manage it, I catch a glimpse of Azriel, his brow quirked. I inhale deeply, ready to shout at him to help me, even if I don’t think he would. He and Jaxon are buddies, if only because of the baseball team. “Lemme go.” I struggle, trying to work my way free, but the expenditure of energy is futile.
In what I’m sure is supposed to be a soothing tone—but only ends up grating on my nerves—Logan whispers near my ear, “Rya, I can’t let you walk out of this room without a chance to at least set some things straight. Not again. The last fucking thing I want is for you to avoid me. I know you’ll need your space, but it’ll kill me if you walk out of here thinking the worst of me.”
Jaxon snorts. “Of us .” I turn my head, catching the way his full lips are drawn in an uncharacteristically tight line. “Rya, just give us a minute. Then, if you want to go, you can. But you’ve been through too much in the last twelve hours to pile more shit on top of it that doesn’t need to be there.”
“Let go of me, Logan,” I grit out past clenched teeth. I don’t miss the look they exchange—the What the fuck do we do now?— that I’m unsure what to make of. Last night, I’d assumed they were halfway decent to each other for my sake. But now? Fuck! For the thousandth time in the last two minutes, I scramble to figure out just how the hell this is my life right now.
Logan lets out a frustrated sigh. “Okay. If you’ll stay a minute.” Those strong arms of his that I’ve found comfort in so many times are bound around me like steel bars wrapped around my torso, threatening to make my lungs collapse. “Rya,” he says softly, “it’s not what you think. Please stay. We’ll figure out how to explain things.”
Wetting my lips, I study Jaxon and the way the corner of his lip is caught between his teeth. He worries it as he watches the two of us. Jaxon and I have gotten to know each other well in the last couple weeks. He’s nervous. And I guess I understand why. I’ve tried to keep my thoughts about what Logan has said about Jaxon separate from the Jaxon I know, but I think maybe that’s been a mistake. I probably should have forced the issue and made one or both of them be straight with me way before this. Perhaps now is the time to make that move.
Before I can say anything, Jaxon shakes his head, gripping the back of his neck. “Never meant to hurt you, pretty girl.” He appears remorseful, but his usage of the pet name he has for me rubs me the wrong way, just like Logan calling me baby had moments before.
“Don’t, Jaxon.” My chest puffs out against Logan’s arms with the air I drag in. With my eyes squeezed shut, I nod. “If I stay, you’re going to answer my questions.”
“Okay.” Logan’s head bobs near mine and his hold on me loosens. I cross my arms over my chest, stepping away from him, needing to separate myself before I rush right back into his arms. And the shit of this is, even when I’ve been upset with Logan lately, I’ve had Jaxon to run to. Now? I have no one.
A shaky breath skitters from my lips as I look steadily at the pair of them—Jaxon where he’s seated himself at the foot of his bed, Logan leaning against the wall, hands in the pockets of his joggers. I work my jaw to the side. “You’ve been playing me.”
“We haven’t.” Jaxon jerks in place, his jaw setting before he shakes his head.
“Then explain to me how this has obviously been going on while we’ve been seeing each other. I feel pretty fucking stupid.”
“Every bit of the time I’ve spent with you has been because I want to be with you.” He cocks his head to the side, a solemn look on his face. “You’re my pretty girl. You’re my girl.”
I heave out a breath, then swipe my fingers over my cheeks to remove the evidence of my upset. “Well, forgive me if that doesn’t feel so great right now,” I snap. “And you”—my head swivels toward my best friend, the one I gave myself to for the first time—“Logan, we slept together.” It’s everything I can do to hold it together as I witness the hard swallow that moves down his corded throat. My eyes flick to Jaxon, whose face is carefully blank. Surprise washes over me as I stare at him. “You knew.”
“I just found out last night.” He scrapes his teeth over his lip.
My eyes find Logan’s. “You told him. What did you all do after that? Have a good freaking laugh at my expense?” Why did I ever think either of them could want me? The fantasy I’d begun to spin in my head with the two of them. The way they made me feel. All of it—it’d been a lie.
“No. Jaxon and I—” He stops, shooting his stepbrother a glare. “It’s not what you think.”
“Is this whole love-hate thing, is this the first time—?” Before I can finish my question, like a lightning strike, it hits me. Seven Minutes in Hell. The money the two of them have been waving around. They said my name was chosen a second time. Jaxon took my place. And before I fell asleep, they hadn’t answered who his lucky partner was. “Oh my god,” I burst out. “It was you, wasn’t it?” I stare at Logan, hurt bleeding from every pore in my skin. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you weren’t the one to go into that fucking closet with him.” My head whips from Logan to Jaxon. “Be honest with me. Is that where this”—I throw my hands up—“this fuckery started?” I gaze steadily at one, then the other. The longer they don’t speak, the more uneasy the sick sensation in my stomach becomes.
Jaxon’s eyes shift to Logan’s, and there’s some indecipherable exchange that passes between them. “Oh my god, it wasn’t.” And in another flash, I know—there’s definitely way more to this than I was thinking there might be. My mind pings around until it comes up with a plausible guess. “The hotel?” My lip trembles, and I see it plainly on their faces. I’ve hit the nail on the head. But… their jaws are also rigid and neither will meet my eyes when I ask, “When else?”
A mask has slipped over Jaxon’s features, and he doesn’t answer, simply shakes his head, his meaning clear. He’s not open to this discussion.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s just—” Logan’s voice is hoarse as it catches in his throat. He rubs one hand over his jaw. Looking like he’s going to throw up, he heaves out a hard breath, continuing. “He won’t admit to whatever it is anyway. But”—his eyes finally flick to mine—“nothing we’ve done was meant to hurt you. My feelings for you haven’t wavered. Not even a little bit. So, please don’t think that. I love you.”
I swallow hard. Mortified because I don’t know whether he’s saying those words to me because he means them or because he thinks it’ll fix the damage that’s been done. With my lip trembling and my heart ripping apart at the seams, I urge the words I need to say from where they’re wedged in my throat. “I thought—” Squeezing my eyes shut, I set the truth free, but only in my own head—I thought they both might want me. I thought there was something there. I huff out a self-deprecating laugh. To think I felt selfish for wanting them both. Struggling to swallow, I manage to murmur in a flat tone, “The two of you… you’re going to give me time. Leave me alone.”
I turn on my heel, and neither stops me. All the way back to my room, tears streak down my cheeks. Curious whispers from other students milling around the common area don’t faze me. I’ve gotta get to my room where I can hide myself under the covers and pretend none of this ever happened.
As I pass a couch by the window, Stephanie hurriedly sets her laptop on the table in front of her and calls out, “Rya? Are you okay? What happened?”
“Nothing. I’m good.” Blood pounds in my head with deadly force, and my breath heaves sickly from me, especially when I reach our room and realize I don’t have my fucking key. Resting my forehead against the wood for a moment, I take several deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself before finally slapping my hand sharply on the smooth surface twice. I raise my voice just loud enough that I think perhaps Hazel will be able to hear me. “Haze, are you in there? Please”—I almost choke on a sob trying to get my request out—“let me in.”
There’s movement on the other side of the door, and it springs open a few beats later. Hazel’s bright smile falls when she gets a look at me. “Whoa. What happened to you? Where the hell were you?”
Remembering her text messages from last night—the ones that had come in while she was safe in our room and I was drugged out of my head in the hospital—I decide I simply can’t with her right now. I shake my head. “I’m fine.” The laugh that tumbles from my lips seems almost maniacal, and it has Hazel widening her eyes.
The way she’s pulled her arms up into the sleeves to cover her hands is something she does when she’s nervous. Hesitantly, she asks, “Um, is this about the texts? If so… I-I’m sorry. I don’t even remember messaging you last night, but I saw them this morning when I woke up with a hangover and didn’t know where you were.” When all I do is swivel my head toward her and wait, she continues, “They probably weren’t what you expected from me. I feel like shit about it. I’m sorry.”
I draw in a breath, then nod. I can’t afford to lose another friend right now. “Okay. Apology accepted. But that’s not really the problem.” A light sparks in the eye of my gossip-loving friend, but I hold up a hand, swallowing hard. I’m unsure whether I’m ready to tell her where I was all night or what’s happened.
In the end, she doesn’t question me again. Instead, she grimaces as she picks up her backpack, her expression still apologetic. She swings the bag over her shoulder, chewing on her lip. “I have to go, I’m fucking up in my math class and had to get a tutor. I might even have to switch to a different class. I’m supposed to be there already. Running late.” She gives me an awkward-as-hell grin. “You know me.”
I clench my teeth, nodding. Damn, if she’s a shit friend, so am I. “Sorry, I hadn’t realized you were having trouble.”
“Yeah. I suck.” With a quick wave, she opens the door and steps out, but not without a wave and a smile. “I’ll see you later, okay? If you want, maybe we can talk about it then. I’ll be back before our reserved studio times.”
I don’t respond with anything but a nod, and a moment later, the door clicks shut, and she’s gone. At a loss for how to deal with the riot of emotion storming through me, I put in my earbuds, climb into bed, and haul my comforter over my head. I need sweet oblivion to take me away from the mess I’ve found myself in the middle of. Or at the very least, I’ll wake up to find out this has all been a terrible dream.