This is Me Trying (Evergreen Ridge)

Chapter 5

Riley

D amn it, damn it, damn it. I do not want to be thinking about Finn this way. I don’t want to be thinking about him at all. My day has ended, so I close up shop and take a deep inhale. The sun is now shining and the petals are swirling in the wind. I need to get it together. I cannot let this man get me off kilter like this. My life and routine were all completely normal before he burst into town with his strong jawline and rambling ways.

Is that part of the problem, though? I know that I isolate and hide from the world. That’s what’s safe, controlled. It feels like I can’t get hurt that way, but I know that it also keeps me from experiencing great things in life. Chloe is my best friend, and I keep her at arm’s length because you can’t hurt me if you’re not close enough to slide the knife between my ribs. Also, that thought right there, that’s not how normal people think, is it? Who knows what normal is, anyway, but it feels safe in my own little bubble. I can’t be rejected if I never ask for acceptance.

I head to my car and consider stopping in to say bye to Chloe, but I chicken out. I know she’s going to ask and tease me playfully about Finn, and I can’t keep the blood in my cheeks in check. It will warm as soon as she brings him up. So, instead, I walk to my car and head home. What I need is just a nice relaxing night to reset my nervous system.

Locking up when I get home, I head into my bathroom to wash my face and get into my comfy clothes. I stand in front of the mirror for a couple of minutes contemplating what he could possibly see in me. I’m not ugly, but I’m not exactly a knockout. I’m plain and un-noticeable, not to mention kind of an ice queen. I’ve done nothing but push him away and let him know that I’m not interested in him. So, why the heck am I here wondering what he and his sexy forearms are doing right now? I’ve only ever seen his forearms, but from the way his t-shirts spread over his broad chest, I can tell that the rest of his body is just as chiseled as his jaw.

“Ughhh!” I tug at my hair and let out an exasperated breath. Why am I thinking about this? Why am I thinking about him? He may go over the top flirting with me, and yes, he may have asked me out, but today, he was a perfect gentleman and he didn’t seem like he wanted me at all. It was all about the chase for him. Once I shut it down, he gave up. “Why do I care?!” I yell at my reflection. If I don’t leave the snare of the mirror now, I’ll be here all night.

I pour myself a glass of wine as I consider the fact that he actually respected my wishes. I told him things had to be professional between us, and he respected that, and the next time I saw him, he changed his behavior. So, why am I now seeing that as a bad thing? Because it makes me feel unwanted. My brain is so screwed up that when I ask someone to respect my boundaries, I take it as rejection when they do. However, once again, why am I thinking about him, anyway? I have no interest in him. He’s just the annoying new guy in town, who is apparently really hot, really good at respecting boundaries, works in an adjacent field to myself, and makes it a point to still take an interest in me, even if it is in a strictly professional type of way. Yup, no interest in him whatsoever.

I grab my glass of wine, my laptop, and my coziest blanket and work on my current mood board. Will this room ever come to life? No, but it’s something I love to do, and it’s a good reset for my mind when the thoughts are racing. I have files upon files on my laptop of rooms that will never see my design, but I love it, and it’s something for me. And I suppose Finn knows about it now, too. I wonder if he could tell that my heart dropped out of my butt when I realized he had seen my design work. I was so lost in it, I completely forgot that we were open for business and anyone could walk in and peek over at what I was doing. Let alone stand there and watch me for gosh knows how long.

He seemed genuine when he said he liked my designs, but he was also asking me out on dates just a few days prior. So, who’s to say what’s true and what’s him trying to get in my pants? What if what I thought was him respecting my boundaries was really him just changing tactics? I sit back, moaning, with my hands at my temples, a headache forming from all of these thoughts. Why do I have to go there every time, questioning everyone’s ability to be genuine? My father, that’s why. But nope, not going there tonight. This is relaxation night.

To get back on track creatively, I open Pinterest. Maybe my mind is too scattered to concentrate on a “project”, but I always enjoy relaxing with a glass of wine and scrolling through inspiration. I let the visuals wash over me and feel an almost immediate calm. The colors, textures, wallpaper, and artwork. The knick-knacks, fixtures, and finishes. I love it all so much. Maybe because so many different parts, that may be considered disjointed, come together to make a beautiful safe environment.

As I scroll, I start to think that I really do have a good eye for design. I look back at everything that I have saved that’s caught my eye, and it’s all pretty cohesive. Why can’t I do something like this for a job? I’m only twenty-seven years old. It’s not like my career has to be set in stone. And just like Finn suggested, what if I brought it up to the owners and it was a service we offered?

I open up Google and start researching interior designers in our area, and once again, Finn was right. There aren’t many this far from Seattle, and there aren’t any in Evergreen at all. If we offered it at the store, it would bring in even more contracts, which means more revenue. They may have to replace my current position to allow me the time to work on the design side, but the income that the designing would bring in would more than cover my current salary, plus a design salary. Especially if we could secure some contracts with apartments or multi office buildings, where I would be designing multiple spaces.

I feel a little thrill deep in my gut as I fall further down the rabbit hole, and I feel my dreams getting bigger and bigger. However, my brain only allows it to get so big before it takes out a pin and pops it. What am I thinking? I can’t do this. I don’t have the knowledge or the experience to start a whole new side to this business that’s not even my own. Why would the owners ever trust my untrained skill to start this? What ever made me think I could do this, and why is Finn so sure that I can? I’ll keep this tucked away in my head with all the other dreams that will likely never come to fruition.