Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
M y heart pounds in my chest as I put on that breathtaking black and gold dress that Draven gave me a week ago. I try to swallow down a wave of dread, but it works poorly. My fingers are trembling slightly as I twist the hair closest to my face into the two coils that I always fasten behind my head to keep any hair from getting in my face and blocking my vision. Thankfully, Draven is too busy putting on his armor to notice.
“I’m going to have to leave you on your own for periods of time tonight,” Draven says over his shoulder.
My heart jerks. Tonight . Yes, the grand ball and the humans’ sneaky heist and our daring escape all goes down tonight. Or rather, right now. Because the moment that Draven and I have finished getting dressed, we’re leaving for the ball.
It feels as if I have a cluster of thorny vines twisting between my ribs and strangling my heart, so it takes enormous effort to keep my voice light and teasing as I say, “Oh? And here I was, thinking that I commanded all of your attention.”
“You do.”
His reply is so immediate, and so genuine, that I have to stifle a sharp breath between my teeth. Fucking hell, it feels as if he just punched me in the heart. Letting my hands drop from my now finished hair, I turn around to face him.
He is still standing with his back to me, putting on his armor, but his hands are frozen halfway to a clasp at the side of his chest. As if he too has just realized what he said.
The silence in the room is so palpable that I swear I can hear it crackling in the air.
Then Draven clears his throat and finishes with, “But Bane and Jessina have tasked me with privately threatening some of the more difficult clan leaders into submission, so I need to go and do that too.”
Which is actually great for me since it will give me a chance to slip away and escape once the heist is done. But I can’t tell him that, of course, so I let a deliberately sly smile spread across my lips and keep the teasing note in my voice as I say, “Oh, don’t worry. I will just find someone else to flirt with in the meantime.”
At that, he at last turns around. His mouth is already open, ready to retort, but then his gaze lands on me. And his breath hitches.
My heart twists painfully.
Draven flicks his gaze up and down my body in this stunning black dress. Then he seems to remember that his mouth is still open. Snapping his mouth shut, he returns his gaze to my face and starts towards me. But that fire in his eyes remains.
“You do that,” Draven at last replies as he comes to a halt in front of me.
A shudder of pleasure rolls down my spine as he slides his hand along my jaw, cupping my cheek, and then draws his thumb over my bottom lip. His eyes glint in the faelights as a wicked smile full of forbidden promises curls his lips.
“But anyone who flirts back will lose his hands. Or his tongue.” His villainous smirk widens. “Or both.”
A soft laugh escapes my lips.
It’s followed by a wave of sorrow that threatens to crush me.
Because this is it.
This is our last goodbye.
After we leave this room, we will be out in public. Which means that I have a role to play and Draven has duties to attend. And then I will escape. Disappear like a thief in the night without so much as a word.
My heart aches.
Despite Draven’s adamant refusal to leave or do anything to fight the Icehearts, he has still helped me in every way he could. He has saved my life more than once. He has protected me from torture and humiliation. He has made my life here in the Ice Palace bearable.
And deep inside that broken heart of mine, I know that he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to be left behind to take the blame for our crimes. He doesn’t deserve to be betrayed like this. Especially not by me.
But I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stay here as a slave all my life just so that the Icehearts won’t punish Draven. I need to do this. Not just for me, but for Isera and Lavendera and Alistair too. And for everyone in the Seelie Court.
So no matter how much I hate the reality we live in, I can’t change the fact that it is our reality.
I need to do this.
Draven, oblivious to the internal battle I just fought, gives me a satisfied smile and then lets his hand drop from my cheek. He takes a step back, not knowing that this is the last time we will ever be this close. The last time we will ever speak this casually to each other. The last chance we have to say goodbye.
A bolt of panic spears through my chest, and my hand shoots out to grab his wrist before he can leave.
He turns back to me and raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“It wasn’t an act,” I say. My heart is pounding so loudly that I can barely hear my own voice. But I need to say this. I need him to know this. “Back in that underground forest. I didn’t have sex with you as a distraction to steal the ring. It was the exact opposite.”
Shock and confusion and a heartbreaking flicker of hope pulse in his eyes.
“I had stolen the ring before you had even gotten into the water,” I continue, the words tumbling out of my mouth. “And I was supposed to slip away and escape while you were busy washing off in the river. Fucking you was never part of the plan. It was the opposite. It was an incredibly dangerous and reckless choice that only increased the risk of you realizing that I had stolen the ring. But I did it anyway. Because I wanted to.” I hold his gaze with serious eyes, to make sure that he understands that I truly mean every word. “I did it solely because I wanted to. Because I wanted you .”
He draws in a short unsteady breath.
I release his wrist and quickly take a step back, putting a little distance between our bodies. Because if I stand too close to him right now, I will never be able to leave.
Clearing my throat, I glance away as I finish with, “I just wanted you to know that.”
I still don’t know how much of what I feel for Draven is real and how much is just forced on me by the mate bond. But Goddess above, I know one thing.
Betraying him tonight is going to shatter what’s left of my heart.