Through the Flames (The Lost Letters #1)

16. Lilly

Chapter 16

Lilly

“ S how me his picture again.”

I open my phone to show Nellie the picture of Noah he sent yesterday after our video call. She studies the photo as if she’ll be tested over it. I have to say it’s a pretty cute selfie. The little smile curling up the corner of his mouth makes him look like the teenager I fell in love with.

Nellie has been not-so-patiently waiting for Noah to pick her up. She’s been awake since five this morning. I’ve had three cups of coffee to keep up with her today. Despite her valiant efforts to distract herself, she’s been bouncing off the walls.

I’m worried she’ll get overstimulated when we get to the park because of how excited she’s been. I’ve prepared a backpack full of Nellie’s comfort items just in case she does have a meltdown.

“He’s here! He’s here! He’s here!” Nellie jumps up and down.

I give Aunt Christine a look as if to say here we go.

“Call if you need me,” she says.

Nellie has already opened the door and is racing outside. Noah’s black truck is parked in the driveway, and butterflies take flight in my stomach. Memories of all the times he came to pick me up for dates flash in my brain like a flipbook.

He steps out of the truck, dark denim jeans covering his thick thighs and a tight olive green T-shirt stretching across his chest. God, he looks just as delicious as always.

Nellie freezes on the sidewalk. It’s as if her brain just reminded her she has to meet a new person and shut down on her.

Noah moves slowly toward her, not out of caution but as if he’s giving her time to take him in before he gets too close. When he’s a few feet away, he squats to put himself at her level.

“Hi, Nellie. I’m Noah, your dad.” He takes her in, a look of pride filling his face. He stays still, waiting for Nellie to make the first move.

She’s examining him just as much as he is her. It’s kind of adorable to watch them.

Nellie turns to me. “Can we go to the park now?”

“If you’re ready.”

She nods and walks to my car. I look at Noah. “Do you mind taking my car? It’s familiar to her.”

He shakes his head. “Of course not. Please don’t hesitate to tell me to do something different. I did my best to research last night, but you know our daughter better than anyone.”

Tension I didn’t realize I was holding releases from my body. “Thank you for saying that.” We walk side by side to my car. “She might get overstimulated at the park if there are too many people. She’s been so excited to go, but sometimes the excitement overwhelms her.”

“Okay, we can play it by ear. I’ll follow your lead.” He opens the driver’s door for me and then walks around the front of the car to get in on the passenger side.

“Mom, can you turn on my playlist?”

“Sure.” Before I pull out of the driveway, I open the playlist Nellie made. As the first notes of Enya’s “Sail Away” flow through the speakers, I head toward the park.

My stomach drops when I pull into the parking lot. A birthday party has taken over the open pavilion next to the playground. The noise alone will be a lot for Nellie, but the number of kids I see running from the pavilion to the playground and back could be an issue, as well.

I turn in my seat to look at Nellie. “There are a lot of people here today, baby. Do you want to wear your headphones and give it a try, or do you want to go back home?”

“No one is swinging right now.”

“You’re right.” Taking her response as acceptance, I grab her headphones from the bag and have her put them on before I get out of the car.

Noah is stepping out when I reach his side. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Just go with the flow and let her lead,” I respond as Nellie gets out of the car. She bounces her way over to the swings, not giving us a second glance.

I laugh at her exuberance. “She never ceases to amaze me,” I say to Noah as we follow behind her. “I worry about her more than I should sometimes. It’s hard to rein it in when I’m never certain how she’ll react.”

“You’re her mom. Of course, you’re going to worry.”

“Dad, come push me higher!” Nellie plops down in the swing and kicks off the ground to get herself going.

“That’s going to take some getting used to.” Noah laughs.

“For me, too,” I acknowledge.

I stand by the swing set post and watch Noah and Nellie play together. Nellie has the biggest smile on her face as she screams to go higher and higher.

Partygoers laughing and singing “Happy Birthday” provide the soundtrack to my daughter creating her first memories with her father, and I find myself getting emotional over the scene.

In the recesses of my imagination, I pictured moments like this. When I was at my loneliest and most stressed, I thought about what kind of dad Noah would’ve been. There was no doubt in my mind that he’d have been attentive and patient, even in the hardest moments.

I always thought my memory of Noah never matched the boy who refused to have anything to do with us. Now, I understand why I felt that way. He never would have abandoned us if he’d known.

The hindsight only makes this situation harder. My heart breaks for all the moments he missed. I can’t take it back. I can’t undo what’s already been done, but I can work towards a future that includes him the way he always should have been.

“Do you use the fire hose?” Nellie’s question comes seemingly out of nowhere.

Noah barely blinks an eye. “No, I’m one of the guys who goes into the building.”

Well, that’s a scary thought. I’d never contemplated what Noah did for a living. His being a firefighter was a given even when we were teenagers, but the idea of him going into burning buildings is hard for me to comprehend.

“Can you drive the truck?”

“Nope. Sometimes I wish I could, though.”

“The first recorded structural fire was in 1608.”

Noah’s eyebrows raise. “Yes, it was. In Jamestown.”

“Mm-hmm. I researched it today for my history lesson.”

The two of them start throwing random facts off each other, volleying thoughts and interests back and forth as if they’ve been doing it forever. Noah being able to hold his own against the bouncy ball that is Nellie’s train of thought will score major points with her.

Nellie suddenly drops her feet to the ground to stop the swing. “Time to go home.” She stands from the seat and starts walking toward the car.

Noah grins at me. “Mind if I hang out for a bit once we’re back?”

I shrug. “Nellie will likely want some quiet time.”

“That’s okay. I still want to be there. Maybe I could cook you guys dinner.”

My eyebrows rise. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

Noah stares at me for a moment, his eyes tracing over every feature of my face. It’s only then I notice how close we’re standing to each other.

My body jolts, and I quickly turn to follow Nellie.

I refuse to acknowledge how badly I wanted Noah to kiss me just now. Calling that a bad idea would be an understatement. He’s only just met Nellie. I want to hope that he won’t tuck tail and run at the first sign of trouble, but the reality is, life with a special needs kid is hard.

Do I believe Noah will drop us at the first sign of trouble? No, not really. But I’m not about to risk a physical relationship with him while he’s still finding his feet as a dad.

No matter how adamantly my body wants his.