To Live Among Wolves (Legends of Arcadia Book 1)

Chapter 32

I let my feet guide me as I wandered among Arcadia. Paranoia hung over me like the storm clouds. And my stomach felt like Ransom had tied it in knots while I spoke with Lycaon. And something in me felt a twang of jealousy that Eden had received a vision without any assistance or pain.

Maybe she has the Sight and that’s why Father chose her to be the queen.

Or maybe Asa had given her nightshade in her tea.

Or maybe that’s how Lycaon works.

I groaned in frustration, sending a cluster of ghost beetles in different directions. Then the rain started.

Once again, I’d wandered to the Aisle of Kings.

“Cursed place,” I mumbled under my breath and turned around.

Instead, I walked with purpose to the ruins and my mother’s garden. I didn’t care that it rained. I didn’t care that thunder rumbled over my kingdom. I didn’t care that I had left my sister behind at the Sage Brush. I didn’t care that I had left Eden in the kitchen. I didn’t care that I hadn’t been a very good king the past week.

They were all better off without me, a king who didn’t know how to be a king.

What good am I in place of someone like my father? How can I lead a country when Lycaon’s words don’t make sense, and I can’t even lead my own family?

“How can I do this without you, Father?” I licked the rain off of my lips. “How can I do this at all? Lycaon, what am I supposed to do?”

I arrived at the ruins, the flowers dancing under the force of the rain, and noticed how bland and normal it seemed in the gray of day. It had loomed ominous in both my vision and after when I’d followed Ransom in the dark.

Rubble, ruins of a past life. It meant nothing.

With a groan, I flopped onto the mossy ground around the base of the old gazebo, closing my eyes and letting the rain pelt my skin.

Wash me clean. Help me start over. Let this horrid year start over.

We grew closer to the anniversary of my father’s death every day, closer to the first full year of my reign.

What do I have to show for it?

What will the Compendium say about me when I’m long gone?

Am I the weeping king who accomplishes nothing, or will I be remembered as a hero, dying for the betterment of my kingdom?

I still hadn’t told anyone about the details of my conversation with Lycaon. It burned my insides, a secret like a festering wound. It would kill me if I wasn’t careful. It might still kill me even if I was careful.

Elder Macon would know. He would know what to do. He’d lived a long time; surely he had some wisdom he could give his king.

“Thought I might find you here.”

I sat up, opening my eyes and blinking away the rain until I saw the person who stood before me.

Nash.

“A few micca saw you come this way. Did you decide that a swim would help clear your head?” He smirked, dropping to sit next to me.

I eyed him.

“Did Nyx steal your voice or something? Or is that a reverse effect of the nightshade? I can get Ransom, and we can fix it. I just hope for your sake and for Eden’s that you don’t have to chop your tongue off or worse–”

“Nash.”

He stopped his rambling with a single eyebrow raised. “So you can speak! Fantastic.”

“What are you and Markus hiding from me?”

Nash’s face fell, the color draining to match the sky above us. All humor had been sucked away. Lightning flashed, and fear reflected in my brother’s eyes. A few seconds later, the thunder cracked so loud it shook the ground we sat on.

“I’m your king, Nash. You have to answer me. I’ll wait through this storm until you say whatever you need to.”

“Si, I didn’t–” He swallowed. “I didn’t want Eden to know. I didn’t want you to tell her. And I didn’t want to involve Caroline if it meant she’d break it off with Markus.”

“Break what off? And how does this concern Eden?”

Nash shook his head. “I didn’t mean to find out, I swear. But Elder Macon and the Feast… you know I can’t help snooping. And in my defense, I was unattended, so–”

“Spit it out, Nash!” I growled, standing. “What did you find?”

He scrambled to his feet, pausing with his mouth open. At that moment, he seemed so young despite his scruffy facial hair and long, loose curls like our father’s. He looked the part of king much more than I did with my smooth face and slimmer shoulders.

But I hadn’t seen that expression of pain in him in a while.

“Silas, I saw the vision. Both of them.”

“Both?” I raised my eyebrows.

He nodded. “Markus had taken the Compendium during the feast. He needed it for documentation to catch up on everything that had happened and Father’s choice for your mate. The Elder would’ve done it, but Elder Macon has been training Markus on ceremonial things and tradition. But Markus found something while bringing it to Elder Macon’s study in the forest.”

“Markus stole the Compendium?”

“For Elder Macon!” Nash raised his hands in defense. “Only to document history. But he saw the prediction made at our birth, our name meanings and all of that.”

“But we knew that. It’s not a secret.”

“But he told me about the rest.”

My heart quickened. “The rest?”

“I’m sorry, Silas. It’s all my fault.” Nash ran a hand through his dark curls, eyes blinking fast. “When they named us at birth, they sought our potential. And I’m supposed to be the one who protects our kingdom, who dies for it. Not you. I’ve gone and messed things up again. I mess everything up.”

“Nash, what are you talking about?” I grabbed his shoulders, but he flinched under my touch. I realized that tears had mixed with rain on his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Silas. I’m sorry.”

He shook where he stood, repeating those two words in an airy voice.

“Nash, I need you to talk to me.”

He shook his head. “It’s unforgivable. It’s treason. I can’t.”

My conversation with Ransom flickered in my mind when I moved my head to look my brother in the eyes. I needed him to feel safe with me again like we had been as pups. “Nash, whatever you do, you’re still my brother.”

His shoulders shook under my hands. Thunder cracked again, shaking the ground below our feet. “I think I did it. I think I brought Nyx to Arcadia.”

I stepped back, dropping my hands to my sides. “You… you led him here?”

History folded in on itself.

Nash sobbed. “I swear it was an accident. I had left. I went to Lukosan in Kahtentah. I needed to leave Arcadia—leave Shaconage—and the in Washita… I’ve lost a good chunk of my memory from traveling.”

He trembled, fisting his hair between his fingers. His chest rose and fell, his heartbeat quickening.

“Nash, you have to breathe. Look at me.”

He shook his head. “I remember leaving Arcadia and the Great Mountain and then Shaconage. I remember arriving in Kahtentah and finding Lukosan. And I remember Andra and Archer, but then my memory goes dark after that. Dark and lonely and wild. And I think Nyx did it. I can’t prove it, and I don’t understand. But my memory goes dark until the day I came home. And my name…” He ran his hands over his face. “It should’ve been me protecting the kingdom through my death. You were supposed to care for our people after. I should’ve been the immortal one. You are the king, the one who keeps Arcadia safe. But I turned it around, and now–”

He cut himself off with a choked cry.

The confession hurt, and I had so many questions about his time away from these mountains, but he wasn’t in the mental space to answer questions. As for Nyx, I had started to resign myself to my fate. I had to do the right thing, even if it meant my death.

“Nash, I don’t care what happened anymore. I promised Father that I would find you and bring you home, but you came back on your own. And I promised him that I would protect Arcadia. If that means that I have to die in your place, so be it. As long as I’ve made our father proud and done what’s right for our people. That will be enough.”

The truth of my words surprised even me.

Yes, he betrayed Arcadia.

Yes, he lied.

Yes, he could be blamed for a lot of things.

But he was my brother, and he would always be my brother.

“Nash, I need you to promise me that you won’t tell Eden yet.”

He rubbed a hand under his eyes, pushing the rain and tears away. “Well, yeah. I don’t have nettle for brains.”

I rolled my eyes. “No. I need you to not tell her that I have to stand for Arcadia. The vision from the nightshade… Lycaon’s words were cryptic, but I think he meant for me to die in place of the kingdom. I have his blessing to stand before Nyx and right the wrongs of our history.”

Thunder boomed again. Nash’s eyebrows pinched together. “You knew you were going to die.”

I shook my head. “Vaguely. I thought of talking to Elder Macon about the details before you arrived now.”

Nash straightened. “I think we should. Maybe we can figure out a way for me to take the fall instead of you. That is, if you still want me with you.”

I pulled Nash into a hug. “Of course I want you here. There’s no one else I’d rather have standing with me now to walk this journey with.”

He patted my back twice, backing up. “Where’s Caroline?”

“Busy trying to figure Markus out.”

“And Eden?”

I sighed, thinking of the morning. I had been so furious with Nash, that I’d never once questioned him about disappearing. But it seemed clear to me now that he had enough of his own guilt to last a lifetime.

“I left her in the kitchen this morning. She’s probably studying in our room.”

Despite the somber mood, Nash raised his eyebrow.

I shoved him aside with a shake of my head. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”