Chapter 6
CHAPTER
6
When the sunlight began to peek through the soft sheers at my window, I reluctantly stirred. I hated mornings, but my new circumstances called for a make-every-minute-count approach. I completed my normal routine, but instead of dressing to impress, I once again donned my brown riding pants, a loose-fitted cream-colored blouse, a dark blue vest, and black riding boots.
As I walked past the mirror, I felt more like myself than the day prior. But today I was once again met with the look of a new person staring back from my reflection. A confident female; one who still blushed at the notion that she had commanded a male’s desire. I smirked back at the girl in the mirror and made my way to my armoire. I pulled back the drawer to uncover jewels of immeasurable value, all laid out in a display atop a blanket of black velvet.
The display looked like a museum exhibit, as if it had never been touched and these items were arranged just for viewing. Although I wasn’t big on wearing jewelry, our merchant father was insistent on spoiling his daughters every chance he got with shiny, sparkling baubles from all over the world.
I lightly ran my fingers across each piece, touching the brilliant stones ranging from small to large, intricate and ornate to simple and minimalist; there were too many to count.
Necklaces, earrings, bracelets, brooches, rings, diadems. My sister’s drawer overflowed even more than mine, as she enjoyed collecting such finery. And my mother, well, let’s just say a drawer wasn’t enough to contain the luxurious accessories that she had accumulated.
The worth of these pieces was exorbitant. And for me, these were now just pointless material things that would no longer carry space in my life. Where I was going, whatever I would be doing, wouldn’t be a place to bring such things. It made it very easy to reconcile that just a few of these wouldn’t be missed by me or anyone else, and I had an idea and a better purpose in mind.
I gathered the pieces into a small drawstring bag and tethered them under my riding cloak to avoid questioning on my way out the door. I’m not sure my father or mother would have stopped me if they knew my intentions, but many were gifts from special occasions and I couldn’t bear to look them in the eye and see the hurt. They no longer held meaning to me if I was going to be erased.
That was how I felt. My emotions passed over me in waves. Some were low and steady, easy to control and accept. Occasionally, I was unexpectedly drawn under treacherous tides of anger, frustration, and sadness. I knew I had to keep a lid on all of it or I’d end up saying hurtful things I didn’t know if I meant. Just because they felt true now didn’t mean they were.
I didn’t bother to stop for food in the dining room or say farewell to anyone. I was eager to get out of the manor and be on my way. It was still early by the time I reached the stable, but I was lucky to find the groom already engaged in the day’s chores. He walked Rain up to me and prepared to hoist my usual saddle, embossed with the emblem of House Blackthorn—but I did not want to stand out in any recognizable way.
I halted him with my hand and asked for an unmarked saddle instead. He looked at me with confusion, but did as I asked.
I pushed past him hurriedly as he was brushing away the dirt and mounted. He questioned, “When shall I expect your return?” but I was already galloping away in the direction of a nearby town.
The surrounding towns were lively and filled with busy markets, shops, and pubs full of unique sights and sounds. I had been to the occasional atelier with my mother and sister for dress fittings, but never this part of town.
Our staff normally shopped for us, so it was very unfamiliar. I did not want anyone to know who I was; I kept my chin down and tried to act like I belonged, like I knew where I was going.
My plan seemed simple but, in execution, it was more complex. I wanted to find people in need and disperse the jewels currently weighing down the right side of my cloak. I could hear the jangling with each step that Rain took.
But I knew if I just handed out jewels, the people would end up suffering interrogation, possibly even be accused of thievery. Honestly, I wasn’t convinced that I wouldn’t be accused myself.
I found a horse stall and was able to rope Rain, this way I could move about the town and explore more freely.
This place was buzzing with all kinds of Fae doing their errands and bartering; the sun overhead casting shadows all along the roads. The smell in the air was ever-evolving with each shift in the breeze. Sometimes it smelled sour, like rotten fruit or stale beer. In other wafts it smelled earthy, like dirt and farm animals. Sometimes scents of sweet sugar from a nearby bakery would mask the less pleasant odors and create an intoxicating swirl in my nose.
I moved swiftly from building to building and stall to stall, looking for a place where I could convert the jewels to coins, when I finally found what I was looking for at the end of a long dirt road.
The sign in the window read Wendell’s Exchange . The glass panes appeared dirty and curtains were drawn from the inside so you couldn’t see beyond. The exterior looked unwelcoming and the wooden steps creaked as I made my way to the door.
I only knew about this place because Gris had once admitted to me that he pawned some jewelry his father made to get some fast coin, but he never told me what he needed it for. I twisted the brass knob and quietly stepped into the establishment.
The inside was dark, and I could see dust flying about in the few sunbeams peeking in slits through the windows. A very old heavy-set male with ebony skin and white frizzy hair sat behind a giant wooden desk. He beckoned me forward with his hand while he rattled around his desk, finally finding a tiny pair of spectacles and placing them on the bridge of his freckled nose.
“How can I help you?” he said. His voice was deeper and warmer than I expected. He felt oddly safe and friendly, despite the rather drab appearance of his business.
I sat down reluctantly in the chair on the other side of his desk and said, “Is this a place where I can find a fair value of coin in exchange for jewels?”
I had no idea if what I was asking was correct but I tried to sound like I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t sure what the jewels were worth, but I knew it was a lot and I feared being cheated.
He let out a hearty deep laugh. “Ha! Has someone accused me of not being fair?”
My fingers twitched anxiously against my thighs. I was worried I had offended him with my wording, which was not my intent.
“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean—” He cut me off, “Oh dear, I’m just yanking your chain—or should I say, your jewels,” he smiled.
I let out an audible sigh of relief.
“Why don’t you show me what you’ve got, and we can discuss from there.” He waved his hand across the table, pointing to a candlelit soft pad on his desk where I assumed he wanted me to display the items for exchange.
I lifted the bag from under my cloak and, one by one, laid out each piece almost like it had been displayed in my drawer. His eyes widened further with each item I pulled from the bag.
“These are very beautiful, very valuable,” he looked up at me between his spectacles, eyes squinting with some accusation. I figured there was no point in mincing words.
“They are mine, and I have no use for them anymore, but I do have use for the coin they’d fetch.” I stared him down with all the confidence I could muster.
From the pocket of my cloak, I pulled out a silver medallion. On it was the embossed crest of my family. It was the unquestionable proof of my High Fae status, and what he needed to know to ensure that I was indeed the owner of the jewels and not a thief.
There wasn’t usually a need to show a family medallion, but they did serve a purpose. Once I was old enough to understand, my father and mother emphasized the importance that my sister and I always had these medallions with us whenever we left our home, even with escorts.
They were made by the king’s blacksmith, and if lost, you would not receive another. I can’t remember the last time I had even shown anyone mine. It had seemed unnecessary. But today, it finally served a purpose.
I had heard that lost ones were invaluable, but to sell them rather than return them was a high crime. Having a medallion that wasn’t yours meant you could pretend to be someone of high standing.
I’d been told they were imbued with blood magic, but I didn’t recall ever knowingly granting my blood for my medallion. But the blood magic rumor often kept people afraid of attempting to imposter anyone. This is why they were more commonly referred to as “blood” medallions.
The male across the table almost got up to bow, but instead dipped his head low in respect. I would never get used to that. It seemed ridiculously formal. Only the Royals expected everyone to bow.
“I’m sorry for even questioning, my lady, but you know I have to be certain. I can’t have a reputation for dealing in stolen goods.”
“I understand,” I replied and pocketed my medallion.
The dealer began to gently pick up each piece, inspecting it from every angle in the candlelight.
After taking his time, he said emphatically, “Do you wish to sell immediately or consign and wait till I can find buyers? The latter would bring you more coin but will take time.”
I appreciated his guidance, but time wasn’t something I had. “I need coin, today.”
A small hint of concern flashed across his face. After all, what was a young High Fae lady doing disposing of this much jewelry?
“I can give you five hundred Lorcs for all of it today, but it’s worth double or more if you consign.”
I was shocked at how much he was offering in exchange, and even more shocked by its worth should I choose to consign. Gods, we were spoiled, I thought to myself. Five hundred Lorcs would be more than enough to make a huge impact on the people of the town who needed it most.
It pained me to know I was letting go of it for less than half its worth, but I reasoned with myself that it was mine to do with as I wished, and I refused to let it collect dust in my absence or be added to the heaping pile of jewels already in the Blackthorn household.
I reached my hand out across the table, “It’s a deal!”
He placed his soft wrinkled hand atop mine, sealing the arrangement. He must be very old; hundreds of years, to have any signs of crinkles on his skin. The Fae aged very slowly, and it made me wonder just how many jewels, trinkets, and treasures had crossed his desk over those years.
As our hands parted, he introduced himself, “Wendell’s the name. It’s a pleasure exchanging with you.”
I knew he was waiting for me to offer up my name, but when the long silence continued and I looked away, I think he understood I wasn’t going to share. He had already seen my house emblem on the medallion, and that was risk enough. This entire endeavor was meant to remain a secret.
Wendell disappeared behind the counter to gather my payment from his safe. He graciously counted each Lorc in front of me in small piles to show that I was not being cheated. I appreciated his professionalism and scooped all of the coins into the bag that I had carried the jewels in.
“Please be careful with that coin, my lady, someone might do very bad things to take it.”
He looked at me with the warmth of a father, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had children, or perhaps grandchildren. While I appreciated his sentiment, I knew that by the end of the day, there weren’t going to be any Lorcs left to steal, and the thought of what was next brought a smile to my face as I quickly exited his establishment.
Before shutting the door, I gave him a tiny smile and said, “Thanks, Wendell, it was nice knowing you.”
When I re-entered the bustling streets of town, the scene had shifted as shops and food carts began to prepare for the early lunch hour. Smoke from the chimneys billowed across the sky, and for a brief minute you could ignore the stench of the streets and instead be enveloped with the scent of freshly cooked meats and savory stews on the open fire. A burning campfire has always been a soothing smell that engulfed me in nostalgia.
As I slowly meandered along the road, I thought back to the times my sister and I would make a firepit in the garden and curl up with a book while we waited for the sun to set. My mother had no doubt lectured my father incessantly that we were going to accidentally burn her rose garden to ash. My father never entertained her exaggerations, in favor of letting us have these small moments. We were daughters of a High household, it’s not like we were living the life of a wild huntress.
My father encouraged us to gather our own wood and taught us how to make a kindling without magic. Just like our professors at the academy, he lectured us regularly on needing to have our own skill sets based on knowledge and practice, not magic.
Now with the weight of so many Lorcs weighing down my cloak, I reminded myself to stay focused and seek out the various alleyways that would lead to the backhouses and residential establishments that encircled the town center.
Passing through one such alleyway, I encountered a young female. Her clothes were tattered and her hair was in a disheveled bun. She was wringing out wet clothes and preparing to take them to a clothesline. It was pretty obvious she was likely the servant of one of the nearby residents who could afford staff.
I didn’t know exactly how to approach someone without giving them cause for alarm. Especially since I was very clean and neatly dressed, despite my attempts to blend in. My skin was clear of dirt and soot, my clothes pristine and pressed and looking freshly dyed.
I quietly greeted her with a “Hello,” and she briefly glanced up at me. Then she looked side to side down both directions of the alley to make sure I was actually addressing her and not someone else.
When I paused in front of her, I noticed what terrible condition her shoes were in. I had never really done anything like this, and I couldn’t help the well of sadness building within me or the tight lump in my throat at just seeing the complete and utter inequity just a few miles from my home.
My home stood like an untouched fortress in the solitude of a beautiful forest, sprawling with lush green. Such a contrast to this place, shielded from the hardship and decay of lands piecing themselves back together after years of being war-torn. A mere matter of chance was all it was. The difference between me and her. That she was born into this life, and I was born into mine.
I prodded her with more questions, trying not to be overly intrusive. “Do you work nearby?”
She nervously answered, “Yes, I work—I mean, we, my family and I, we work for a nearby household...”
I nodded with encouragement so she understood I wasn’t a threat. “I see, and do you have any siblings?”
The question weighed heavily on me as thoughts of Versa idled in the back of my mind.
“I do. I have two very young siblings…and an older brother.” She began to look around for signs of someone who might be displeased with our encounter.
“I’d like to give you something, but it’s under one condition.” Before she could ask what that condition was, I said, “Complete anonymity. If I give you this, you cannot ever tell anyone where or who it came from, or what I look like. Nothing. Do you understand?”
My tone was serious, but I simply could not have her describing me to anyone.
She looked somewhat concerned but nodded and said, “I promise.”
From my pocket, I pulled out a handful of shiny Lorcs. At the first glance of them, her eyes widened dramatically. She began to shake her head, stepping back, almost bumping into the stone wall behind her, because surely a stranger was not offering her this without some sort of catch. A debt she could not pay, a deal or bargain she could not honor.
“I can’t, I’m sorry,” she whispered, shying away from all those Lorcs.
“Take this to your family. Your parents will know what to do with it. There’s no catch. I’m not going to hurt or follow you; just take them.”
She took a long, silent pause, surveying me and the coins again.
“What am I supposed to tell them? They will think I’ve done something terrible to get them. We don’t even make that much money in a season.”
“Tell them a person of sound standing gifted them to you with no strings attached. They will serve you better than they ever could serve me. Where I go, there is no need. Do not tell them if this person was a male or female, don’t mention any defining features ever. Tell them these were the terms of you receiving them.”
She remained stunned, but she began to pull her hands out from behind her back where she hid them away, and slowly cupped them together to take the coins.
As I quickly poured them from my hands to hers, she looked up at me. “How will you know that I will keep my promise of anonymity?”
She had a fair point, not that I didn’t trust her, and although I wouldn’t be around if someone came searching or questioning, I just didn’t want it ever getting back to my family what I had done.
“Fine, a bargain it is.” I clasped my hands around hers while she still cupped the Lorcs between us and spoke the binding words, “Do you agree to my terms of anonymity in exchange for these coins, and know that should you break these terms anything that remains of them and anything purchased with them shall disappear?”
She looked up at me between her greasy orange bangs and nodded, “Yes, I promise.”
And with her acceptance, I closed my eyes, mustering the energy to bring forth the binding magic and seal the arrangement between us.
I hoped this wasn’t going to be necessary with each charitable act. I did not like making bargains, let alone with strangers, and rarely sought to seal them with actual magic.
When I pulled my hands away and the weight of the Lorcs remained in hers, I could see for the first time blood rush to her cheeks and warm them with a rosy pink that sat just below the surface of her freckles and soot-splattered face. She finally offered me a smile of relief that this encounter was real. Not a trick or a dream.
She quickly pocketed them and began to gather her laundered items and basket. “Thank you! Gods bless you,” she practically squealed, and I hushed her so as to not draw attention to us.
The Gods had nothing to do with it, just my family’s habit of exorbitant luxuries and my doomed fate.
I spent the rest of the day wandering throughout the nooks and crannies of the town, mostly seeking out young Fae that looked in need. I preferred to make my encounters with solitary individuals, this way people could not corroborate the story or compare details of what I looked like or where I went.
I wanted to remain aloof when handing out my small fortune. I’d walk a fair distance in between each dealing to try and cover as much ground between townspeople. I did not want to cause alarm in case anyone took notice that there was a sudden influx of wealth amongst the underprivileged in the days that would follow.
I avoided making bargains with anyone else, as they became more eager to accept the terms without question. I didn’t need the magic being traced back to me, either. I wanted to leave as little of a trail as possible.
Every person who skipped away with the Lorcs brought an undeniable smile to my face, and I felt guilty that I hadn’t done this sooner—or simply done more for the town around us in general.
Being High Fae could be very isolating. From prestigious academies to refined social circles, and with expectations to remain on grounds as much as possible, it created an extremely narrow worldview. I felt naive and ignorant of the realities outside of my perfectly manicured little bubble. There was peace in the ignorance of not knowing where I was going in thirty days, but the other side of that coin was fear of the unknown.
All day I grappled with this guilt-ridden feeling in between the small pieces of joy it brought me to hand out each and every Lorc. By late afternoon my pouch was empty, my cloak no longer dragging from the weight of the coin.
I made my way back to the stable where I had left Rain, and made sure to keep the hood of my cloak up and my head tilted down in case any of my newly made friends saw me making my way out of the town.
Just to be sure, I sneakily took a left instead of going right when exiting the main entrance to throw off anyone who might be paying attention. I made a large loop in the forest and took the long way back home just to keep prying eyes off my trail.
It was funny to assume any of these people would notice me while going about common things during a common day. It brought me a slight rush of excitement to pretend I was on a mission to go unnoticed, almost like a spy.
At dinner, I intentionally donned a canary-yellow diamond necklace that I had received as a gift one year during the Winter Solstice. I wore it because the diamonds, albeit stunning, were small and understated. Maybe I was playing with fire to bring attention to the family jewels after spending the day selling a small fortune, but I also knew that I had an excuse in my back pocket.
Dinner was small talk, as usual. Mother and Father were on board with the dress swap idea and had now moved on to bickering with Versa about floral selections. Gods, was I happy to not be planning a wedding for myself. Not that being shipped off to the king sounded any more appealing, but I had to tell myself that I’d rather take this fate than spend my day debating flowers that would wither and die in an evening. I tried not to take it personally that Mother and I had spoken very little since the secret news of my departure. This, along with the wedding, created a distance between us—and everyone else for that matter. Even the staff, typically in her good graces, had been reprimanded for the tiniest of infractions lately.
I had spent all day up close and personal with the injustices of this cruel world, and now I grappled with the fact that what I’d done hadn’t even made a dent in how we should have been helping our people all along.
I stuffed my mouth with honey-glazed roast and practically burst at the seams of my trousers. Versa eagerly pulled me aside, begging for details on if I had revisited Gris. I hated hearing his name and being reminded of everything I was trying desperately to ignore. Repeating to myself over and over that he was just a means to an end. To her disappointment, I confirmed that I had not seen Gris again and currently didn’t intend to.
I cupped my hands around my bloated lower belly, regretting how I had gorged myself. I hadn’t eaten all day during my very important mission, and now I was paying for overeating. I gave Versa a look and then glanced down at my stomach. If you didn’t know better, you’d have guessed I’d been with child for nearly five months.
I wanted to lie down. I was exhausted from walking all day and remaining cloaked in the unbearable heat. Oh, how I longed for autumn.
I retired to my room, less than gracefully plopping down on the bed fully clothed, searching for the energy to disrobe. I rolled over on my side, once more reaching for the book where my tiny list was hidden. I reviewed the remaining items after checking off today’s activity. I had helped more than one person in need. And, if I’m being honest, I could spend the rest of my time left giving away all the wealth I had access to, and it would still feel like I wasn’t doing enough.
This hollow feeling was a new one to navigate, and I slowly drifted off to sleep with the somber memory of the day and all the unfair hardship I had witnessed.
Lose my maidenhead
Seduce a stranger
Gamble till I win
Get drunk
Alter my appearance
Help someone in need
Get a tattoo
Do something that scares me
Swim naked in the moonslight
Say my goodbyes