Chapter 25
CHAPTER
25
I had been sitting in the room staring at the glowing amber orb in the corner for a good hour. I knew it wouldn’t move or do a single thing unless I willed it to, but still, it scared me. Countless times I played through the scene of Saryn knifing that poor girl in my mind. I could convince myself that the orb felt no pain, but what I couldn’t convince myself of was that I wasn’t going to feel it inflicted upon me. Because that was the point.
I’d often walked past these doors on the way to the healing pools. The sound of screams coming from behind the doors haunted me. I knew why my peers were outperforming me, and it’s because they had thrown themselves into training with the Vespers. I was too scared to ask any of them about it, but now I wished I had. Where should I start? How should I begin?
The Vesper could only form from my imagination. But how was I to pick a face? I’m not supposed to have it embody people from my past I was attached to, so is the solution to pick a stranger? Someone I’ve seen walk by on a street, someone whose name I didn’t even know? But would the nameless or faceless motivate me to fight or hurt someone?
I pondered the thought for some time, and the best I could come up with was the gambler from the tavern. The way he grabbed my hand and the sharp words that were about to leave his loose lips before Trace had intervened. It was the closest I had ever been to being assaulted, and the closest thing I had to this kind of motivation.
I stared at the floating Vesper and set my intention in my mind. Recalling the greasy drunk from the bar as I watched the orb twist and quake, finally taking its new form. I gasped at the eeriness of the stranger’s silence, combined with once again seeing someone new in the isolation of Basdie.
His lack of movement and dead eyes frightened me. I slowly approached, keeping my guard up. His eyes followed me, and when I got close enough to his face, I could smell the alcohol on his breath and the sweat coming from his pores. I recalled his voice clearly and said the command, “Speak.”
Suddenly, the haunting sounds of the drunken gambler filled the room as he slurred his hateful words. “You’re a cheat and a filthy little whore!”
The words echoed through my memory and I stepped back fearfully. His words were full of spite, but he didn’t move, not a single flinch.
“How about I take you upstairs and let that pretty mouth of yours earn back your coin?”
I breathed deeply, feeling my anger flare. It was working. Letting him speak to me this way riled me up, and so I set my intention further.
“Whores like you belong on their knees. I’ll make those doe eyes water for me.”
Now I was seething, my skin feeling hot while my fingers twitched at the blade anchored to my thigh.
“When I’m done with you, I think I’ll break your sister in next…”
It was a split second before the intention was set, and the command echoed abruptly through my mind. “Fight me till you’re dead.”
Suddenly, the gambler lunged for me, his saliva foaming as he grabbed my shoulders and tried to tackle me to the ground. I spread my stance firmly and kneed him in the stomach. He bellowed in pain, backing away a few steps before lunging again.
He slammed into me, knocking me flat onto the cold stone ground. I could feel the weight of his body pressing me down as I writhed underneath him, trying to keep his mouth away from me.
“Stop fighting me, you know you want this, all the greedy whores do.”
I tried to shake myself out of the frozen shock—this wasn’t like sparring.
His words burned through me, and as I began to feel him rip and pull at my clothing, I could take no more. I reached for the blade at my thigh and began stabbing blindly, over and over, into his fat belly.
I could hear his shrill screams and wails. I felt the warmth of blood pouring over the blade in my hand, but I did not stop. I continued to scream and struggle below him, shoving the blade in till I felt him go limp and heard only my heavy breaths. I rolled his body off of me, and laid there panting, letting the panic recede.
I turned my head to the side to meet the still icy gaze of my attacker, when suddenly he began to quake and shrink, returning to its original form. The beauty of the glowing orb was a stark contrast to the ugly, terrorizing figure of the gambler. I braced myself on my elbows, still trying to catch my breath while staring at the Vesper, and when I turned to look down at my bloodied hands and clothes, I was shocked to discover them pristine.
I moved myself back up to the cot and sat there trying to calm myself, but nothing would bring me down from this heightened state. My veins coursed with adrenaline. I knew who I wanted to call upon, but I wouldn’t let myself. Not yet. Not until I was strong enough to know the difference between truth and this false reality.
Instead, I called upon someone with a calming energy. I looked at the Vesper and let myself remember all my favorite of Nori’s features. The dimples when she smiles. The way her hair is somehow messy but kempt.
Slowly the orb shifted, and she was standing there before me. Or at least, something that looked just like her. Needing someone just to hold me, she walked over to the bedside joining me. She placed her hand atop mine and as I began to sob, she embraced me. I let her hold me until my breathing returned to normal and I was able to grapple with how real it all had felt.
How the fear of him trying to hurt me had felt, how the knife felt piercing the flesh, and the wetness of the blood pouring out of him. I had never imagined how details could be fuzzy and clear all at once. When the intensity of the moment passed, I watched as I allowed the Vesper to return to its original form.
I found myself frustrated that I had relied on my combat skills to beat my opponent. How was this helping me channel strength and focus for my magical abilities? If anything, this room would break me before it built me up. I stared at the light of the orb in the darkness like it was some code that I had to crack.
Henceforth, I returned night after night to the hall of Vespers. Not because I was assigned to, but because I’d become plagued with nightmares. I’d rather be training in a room with a Vesper than letting the aftermath of these sessions torture me through attempts at sleep.
The bags under my eyes made it obvious, and Cairis had even made some remark about me needing to get my beauty rest, but I just brushed it off. Every night that I pushed myself to the brink in a tiny room with a Vesper was one less thing I had to fear.
I knew I’d become addicted to it and I didn’t care. I didn’t mind putting myself through the pain and torture because every time I walked out of that room, I felt more powerful, less of who I was and more of who I would become. I delighted in my creativity, thinking up new ways to test myself.
I had no idea if this was what we were meant to do, but it was working for me. I may have been tired, but I was mentally stronger than ever. The lack of fear had me engaging in riskier behaviors in the flight valley and in the sparring room. I was numb to pain and less focused on healing. It was like a callous slowly building over time, and with each session, I hardened.
When I showed up to Saryn’s class each day sporting more cuts and bruises, he asked me why I wasn’t healing myself in between sessions. I replied, “We should know when to show our scars and wounds to blend in amongst our enemies, should we not?” I quirked an eyebrow like I was teaching him something.
He smirked and gave me a nod of pride. Saryn may have been approving of the new methods to my madness, but I couldn’t say the same for my peers. However, I took no stock in their opinion. This was working for me. They may have had years of experience over me and plenty of motivation, but I was finding the monster within and they had better stay out of my way.
Fighting the nameless faces of strangers was getting old. Over time, I got brave enough to explore my limitations. One of my biggest fears was being the weakest link in the group and giving up priceless information. Saryn had discussed the numerous ways in which we could end up being tortured behind enemy lines. Sadistic ways I had never fathomed, and now I couldn’t get them out of my mind. They stayed with me, which is how I knew I feared them, which is how I knew I must overcome those fears.
I set my intentions very clearly with the Vesper. Most of the time, I made it embody Saryn. I don’t know why, but I did. I set a safeword and instructed it not to stop. No matter how much I screamed, begged, or cried for help, it was not to stop unless I said the safeword. It was my only form of safety in these exercises. Knowing that I could push myself far enough to the edge and as soon as I needed it to stop, it would. If these experiences were ever to come to pass in reality, there would be no reprieve.
I reserved these activities for the latest hours, long after the others had gone to bed. When no one would hear my screams or find me a mess in the healing pools. These wounds would not be ones that I would wear to class. I’d let myself experience the wrath of water, fire, blade, poison, and searing mind-meddling. With each test, I grew stronger and my endurance peaked.
Each night, Vesper-Saryn would try and pry secrets from me about the Offering, the Order, and Basdie. Even about my relations with Trace, my true feelings about the others; each time I would absorb the pain and let it swell. I’d let the thick tears stream down my face in between my cries. I’d lick my dry lips till those tears tasted more like victory than pain. I didn’t know what I was working toward, but I could feel it. I just couldn’t explain it. Something dark inside of me was evolving.
When I finally understood the art of torture, I got brave enough to try it myself. This time I tied up the Vesper and repeated the same exercises that I had subjected myself to. I had to admit, it was far easier to be the victim than the tormentor. The first few times I tried, I found myself retching and vomiting in the corner of the room.
Inflicting repeated violence on someone who was unable to defend themselves was the hardest thing I’d tried to accomplish yet. I truly felt parts of myself dying each time I attempted it.
I’d begun to lose weight; lack of sleep and of eating had me looking quite miserable. No one—except maybe Saryn—would believe me, but I felt stronger than ever on the inside.
Trace’s disapproving looks were around every corner. One day he grabbed my arm, pulling me aside.
“I don’t know what you’re doing in there, and I know it’s none of my business, but you need to slow down.”
“You’re right, it is none of your business,” I spat. “You don’t get to decide what kind of monster I become. We all know how you feel about useless people.”
My words were venomous, and the shock on his face quickly turned to sadness. His mouth agape but silent, I pulled away from his grasp and headed back to my studies.
When Nori showed up at my door, I knew the group had elected her to try and get through to me when the rest couldn’t. They knew I had a soft spot for her. Nori sat on my bedside, trying to get me to open up about my training and offer some glimpse into what I had been doing with the Vespers.
I evaded the subject, explaining that I had been fulfilling my assignment as prescribed by Saryn. He didn’t exactly articulate what I was to be doing with them but seeing his approval when I got better at wielding only motivated me. My shields were stronger than ever, my glamour improving with each day, and I had even dared to attempt shapeshifting under Gia’s guidance.
Even if I couldn’t hold it for more than a few minutes, I had tried. I was improving and that was the point. Menial magic like lighting fires and warming baths had become nothing to me, barely requiring any energy or thought.
When she tried to convince me that I should focus on training other skills, I snapped back defiantly, “I will not be the weak one amongst the lot of you. I will be feared, too!”
“Cress, you’re the brave one! You befriended me when no one would, you fought Saryn, you came after me with no knowledge of the repercussions, and you stood up for me to the others, risking everything. You are fearless, and that is more valuable than being feared!” she pleaded.
I tried to listen and hear her words, but I’d become used to blocking out all the noise.
“Please, let me help you,” she offered earnestly.
The familiarity of it echoed our struggle in the valley, when I begged for her to return. I didn’t know how to accept help anymore. I had isolated myself completely in an attempt to become like the others.
Here I was looking into the pitch black of Nori’s kind eyes, seeking answers and reprieve.
“There is one thing you could do,” I whispered, not letting the darkness of my dreams hear me utter a plea.
“I’m suffering from terrible nightmares, because of my training…” I paused, hoping she would understand how bad it had gotten.
“If I could just get some good sleep, then I think I’d feel differently.”
A sweet smile spread across Nori’s youthful face.
She nodded. “Go to sleep at a decent hour tonight, and I promise to bring you much-needed rest.”
That night I didn’t visit the hall of Vespers and I didn’t care if that would get me in trouble with Saryn. I did as Nori had instructed and crawled into bed shortly after dinner time. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and began to fiddle with my hands. I waited for the onslaught of shadows and nightmares to take me. As my heavy eyelids fell, I thought of the stories my mother had once told me and prayed that a dreamdancer would come and keep the darkness at bay.