Too Good To Be True

Aman

Did I even know what I was doing?

I followed Gagan into the house, fuming at the new piece of information I’d received from Avani. I would’ve liked to take a moment to process what was going on, but something about the audacious way in which he spoke to Avani compelled me to confront him immediately.

‘What the hell is your problem?’ I asked as soon as we entered the tea room annexe next to the loud living room. We’d sat there earlier, as brothers. Catching up on life.

I banged the door shut and charged up to Gagan, who was casually sipping his drink. Was he really this calm?

‘What is it? Let’s hear it. What is it that’s wrong with her? What is it?’

‘Wow. Look at you. Defending her honour. Tell me, what about the conversation between her and me did you not like?’

‘What did I not like?’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘I didn’t like that you were being a complete asshole to my girlfriend. I didn’t like that you made her feel uncomfortable.’

‘And how exactly did I do that?’

‘Cut the bullshit, Gagan. I’m not in the mood for your patronizing psychotherapy. We both know what you were trying to do there.’

‘What I was trying to do was look out for my baby brother.’

‘I’m not a baby. Let’s get that straight, for starters. I know whom to allow entry into my life and whom not to. And in any case, how would you achieve that—by treating my girlfriend like shit?’

By now I was shaking with rage. How was he being so casual about this?

But Gagan remained unmoved. ‘ … open your eyes.’ His voice was calm. Cold? ‘

And for one second just stop being so fucking sensitive about this.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘What about my interaction with your girlfriend pissed you off? That I asked her about her job? Or that I asked her about her family? What do her parents do? Where did she grow up?

These are all normal fucking questions.’ His voice got slightly louder as he said, ‘These are the first few questions people ask other people. And if that other person is a girl my brother has brought home for the first time, what’s the big fucking deal if I ask her just that?’

‘Why couldn’t you ask me?’ I snapped back. ‘Why put her on the spot?’

‘Okay.’ Gagan took a contemplative step to the side and leaned against the coffee table, crossing his arms. ‘I’ll ask you. What are her parents’ names?’

I stood in my spot, heart beating so loud that I suddenly thought even Gagan could hear it.

‘Which school did she go to? Who was her best friend growing up? Where do her parents live?’

Gagan’s eyebrows, I now noticed, were raised. The fact that I didn’t know the answers to those questions pissed me off.

Was he testing me, testing if I had the basic ability to suss out people and build relationships?

Did he think I was so stupid that I wouldn’t have thought of asking Avani these things? There was a reason we hadn’t had that conversation yet, and the reason was between her and me.

The way I looked at it, it was her business and nobody else’s, so it was up to her when and how she shared any detail of her life with anyone, including me.

‘You think I’m stupid, don’t you?’

‘No, . I think you are naive. You trust people too easily. You let people in too quickly. You let your guard down too soon and I’m just here looking out for you.’

I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he being serious?

‘Gagan, I’m thirty-one years old. I’m not a fucking child. I know what I’m doing. I can take care of myself.’

‘Like you did the last time? Do you want me to remind you how you quit college and flew to London for four months when Aanchal left you? How I was there to make sure you went back to university?’

‘I was fucking nineteen!’ I yelled. ‘That was years ago! You don’t think I can handle relationships better now?’

‘And are you? Handling it better? Are you telling me you don’t feel even a little disturbed about the fact that someone you’re in a “serious relationship”

with doesn’t want to let you in? That she doesn’t trust you enough to tell you about her parents? That she doesn’t want you to get close enough to have access to information that clearly matters to her?

You, on the other hand, have flown her all the way to your parents’ anniversary party in Mussoorie and are introducing her to your closest friends and family like you want them to know that this is the person you’re going to marry.’

I had to admit that there had been moments when I could tell that Martin, Rhea and Maya knew more about Avani’s life and what had scarred her with insecurities and trust issues than I did.

That they had been there for her when she’d needed them.

They knew how to help her.

Even when things between us got strained, I knew she went to them for advice.

In those moments I’d told myself that these were things that needed time. But we had known each other for quite a few months now … How had I not earned that spot in her life yet?

The way Gagan put my doubts into words stirred something inside me.

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, that he was out of his mind to question Avani’s intentions.

But the words didn’t come to me.

The sentences didn’t form.

I could feel my anger growing by the minute. How could he? Didn’t he think I could make the right decisions in life? And … this was Avani we were talking about. I’d never met anyone like her—no one as real and unapologetically herself, for sure.

So I asked the question I’d wanted to ask when I walked into the room.

‘Why did you threaten her behind my back? Who gave you the right to do that?’

I saw Gagan’s face change when he heard me address him in a tone I’d never used with him before.

‘Excuse me?’ he asked, his voice low.

‘She told me about the conversation you had with her in our room earlier today. What the fuck was that about?’

Gagan took a step towards me and then another, slowly and deliberately covering the distance between us till he was standing right in front of me, inches away. He’d always been a little taller than me and, now, the way he was towering over me gave me a sense of how offended he was by the question.

‘You know what, ?’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I had gone up to your room to set things straight with Avani because I was trying to look out for you.

You won’t believe me if I tell you that I really have nothing against her, but I’ll tell you anyway. I don’t. It’s always been about you. It’s always been about us.

You and me. Brothers. The world looks at our family and sees the mansions and the cars and the billion-dollar empire. What they don’t see is the decades that our parents put into building this shiny life we have today.

The sacrifices they made to get where we are, including giving up on the time they would have wanted to spend with us. I don’t know if you care to remember, but growing up, it was just us—always—just you and me. I took you to school.

I made sure you did your homework. I learnt how to cook so I could cook you breakfast every morning before we could afford staff in our kitchen.

I beat up the guys who bullied you and I picked you up from parties that you lied to our parents about. I was there when you got your heart broken and I was there when you sat on that chair as CEO. I always looked out for you.

Not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I have always felt the need to protect you and make sure that everyone around you recognizes you for who you are and gives you what you deserve.

And after being in your corner and rooting for you for all these years, if one conversation with a girl can so easily rip us apart and make you question my intentions, I guess I don’t have anything to protect in the first place.’

Gagan slowly walked back to the coffee table and raised his glass to me. ‘I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. Cheers.’

Then he opened the door of the annexe and walked out, leaving me and my chaotic thoughts to fight it out.

I felt a huge metal ball settling into the pit of my stomach. Had I just made a mistake? Why didn’t I have answers to Gagan’s questions? Why couldn’t I think of a single thing to say to my brother? Why was I getting increasingly pissed off at myself for speaking to him the way I had? Why the hell did I suddenly feel so incredibly insufficient?

Avani

Almost there.

Ten minutes had passed since had walked away to talk to his brother. Restless, I made my way into the large living room, where the party was now on in full swing. People were laughing and chatting at the top of their voices. ’s parents were the sweetest sight, jiving to the music being played by the live band, much louder now and squarely in party mode, while others clapped and looked for their partners to join them on the floor. I scanned the room and my eyes fell on Gagan leaning by the bar, chatting with someone.

Where was ?

I contemplated looking for him, but my thoughts had begun to spiral and I could feel panic building up inside me. Something had to have gone terribly wrong, because, if it hadn’t, would have come looking for me. But he was nowhere to be seen. My gut coiled in anticipation of the nightmare about to unfold.

I was about to fish out my phone and call when I caught a glimpse of his blue suit across the room. I stuffed my phone into my purse, quickly straightened my shoulders and plastered a fake smile on my face as I placed one foot after the other to reach , who looked like he was heading towards the bar.

‘Hey.’ I tapped his arm. ‘I was looking for you.’

He turned to me with an expression that I couldn’t quite read, and half smiled. ‘Hey … Sorry. Got caught up with family,’ he replied absent-mindedly. His smile remained firmly in place but didn’t reach his eyes.

‘You okay?’ I asked softly, my hand on his arm.

‘Never been better.’ He slid his hand into mine. ‘Drink?’

‘Sure,’ I said tentatively.

Why did I feel like I was on the brink of a fall? Like the perfect canvas that my life had been with in it up until this evening was creasing and folding at the sides.

I tugged at ’s hand as we walked together to the bar. ‘What happened in there? Are you okay?’

He looked straight ahead without replying.

‘?’ I asked again.

No reply. His strides got longer as he almost dragged me forward.

‘Hey!’ I stopped, forcing him to stop as well, a few feet short of the bar.

looked at me. ‘Can we talk about this later? It’s my parents’ anniversary dinner and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t mess it up any more than you already have.’

Wait a second.

I opened my mouth to ask what the fuck he was talking about, but he turned his back to me, let go of my hand and walked away.

He was mad? Why the fuck was he mad? And why at me? What was I not seeing here?

I quickly caught up with him and placed my hand on his arm. Gently at first, and then with light taps to get his attention. By now he was leaning over the bar and placing the order for our drinks with the bartender.

‘,’ I said, a tad sternly. ‘We need to talk.’

‘Yes, we do,’ he said, turning. Suddenly I could see the resemblance between the siblings. Uncanny. He kept his eyes on my face for a split second longer than it felt like he wanted to and then looked away, towards where the guests were.

‘Should we step away for a bit?’ I said.

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I’m here to be with my parents. For one evening, we can think past what you want, can we not?’

I felt my ears getting warm as the chill in his voice and the weight of his words settled in my chest. I gulped twice to keep the tears from spilling out and stared at with a frozen face.

Breathe, Avani. Breathe.

I nodded at him, realizing that any words that left my mouth then would only make things worse. I took the drink he offered and turned to face the party. He picked up his ginger ale and stood stiffly next to me.

Over the next twenty minutes, made polite conversation with guests who stopped by to talk to him.

I didn’t register any of it.

My ears were ringing from what I had just heard say.

It wasn’t like to behave this way.

Between conversations with others, there was radio silence between us.

I felt as though the music that had filled the space thus far was receding into the distance till the only sound I could hear was the loud thumping of my heart.

I could feel a scream creeping up my throat, and gulped again. I hadn’t had a panic attack in months, and now wasn’t the best time for it.

‘Excuse me,’ I said between heavy breaths, and bolted towards the stairway that led to our room, taking long strides at first and then practically sprinting as I felt the tears begin to roll down my cheeks.

‘Almost there. Almost there. Almost there,’ I chanted to myself until I reached the room, slammed the door shut behind me and turned the latch twice to make sure couldn’t walk in to see me melting into a complete mess. And then I let the scream inside my head take over.

What did they do to her?

My heart sank when I saw Avani slip out of the crowded room and rush up the stairs. The guilt of having snapped at her now gripped me tight. She didn’t know what I was upset about and I should’ve explained.

At the least, I should’ve given her a chance to speak before I blamed her for whatever this evening was turning out to be.

It wasn’t like me to speak to her like that. She was Avani. My Avani. I finished what remained of my drink and headed after her.

I reached the door of our room and turned the knob to find it locked from the inside. I took the spare key out of my pocket and knocked twice before using it to open the latch. Inside, there was no Avani in sight.

‘Avani?’ I called out.

I entered the bedroom and saw movement near the balcony. I took a couple of steps towards it. ‘Avani?’

‘I’ll call you right back,’ I heard her say before she disconnected the call and turned to face me. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and I felt my heart break into a million pieces.

‘Who was that?’ I asked gently.

‘Martin.’

Something about that answer flipped a switch in my head. Alien feelings of insecurity and jealousy crept up my spine as I watched her lock her phone and walk past me into the living area.

‘Martin?’ I asked as I followed her out.

‘Yes.’

‘You couldn’t wait ten minutes before you ran to him with all your life’s problems again?’

Mean. I know. My brain was buzzing with that feeling of inadequacy I had felt a little while back. Clearly she felt no shame or nerves sharing anything about her life with her friends, unlike I guessed how she felt with me. She accepted and trusted them more than me. No matter how hard I tried, I just did not seem to qualify. Rage filled my heart.

‘ …’

‘What advice did he give you?’ I asked stiffly.

‘He was just listening to me …’

‘And what is it about him that makes you comfortable enough to discuss our private issues? Does my consent on this not matter? Since I’m involved?’

‘What?’

‘Answer the question!’ I yelled, louder than I had wanted to. The lack of validation from her had hurt me in ways I hadn’t realized earlier.

Her shoulders jerked as more tears spilt out of her eyes. I took a step back and breathed deeply, looking up at the ceiling. This wasn’t me. I took two more long breaths before I locked my eyes with her teary ones.

‘What is it, Avani?’ I started. I needed to have a conversation and get past the angry exchanges.

‘What am I not doing right? Where have I gone wrong that you don’t think me worthy enough to let me get any closer than I was when we first met? What do I have to do to earn your trust?

Every time I feel like I want to know more about you, I tell myself that I’m on your time. And I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever you give me. But it’s been months now. And I’m getting tired of sitting on the sidelines.

Waking up every day and hoping that that will be the day you finally let me into your inner circle. I don’t know if you’ve heard me the million times I’ve told you I love you, but I honestly do.

And I hate feeling alone in this relationship. You say you have trouble believing if I’m for real. You say I’m too good to be true. You say you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So now, I’m not good enough because you think I’m too good? There is no winning with you, is there?’

‘ …’ She was sobbing now, holding up her hand as if to say ‘enough’, but unable to say the word. But I couldn’t stop either.

‘Who did this to you?’ I asked. ‘What is it that happened to you that you only put up walls? What did your parents do to you that you refuse to forgive them? Why can’t you believe a good thing when it’s staring you in the face? Why won’t you talk about it? Tell me. I want to know.’

‘ … stop …’

I had pushed way past her comfort level. But I needed answers. Where this relationship with Avani was concerned, I was all in. I deserved to know. I deserved to hear her either tell me that she was all in as well, or walk away and never look back.

She sat down on the bed and continued to sob.

‘Avani …’

‘ … please.’

‘No,’ I insisted and took a step towards her. ‘I want to know. What did they do? How did they scar you so badly that you only doubt love and trust? What did they do?’

She stared at her clenched hands in her lap.

‘, they …’

‘They what, Avani? What did they do?’

‘They died.’

I froze.

In the deafening silence that followed her revelation, Avani’s eyes stared back into mine with nothing but disappointment and hurt. I took a step towards her, but she gestured to me to stop. I saw her gather the broken pieces of her heart as she looked back down at her hands, now bleeding from her nails puncturing her skin. She drew in a long breath, rolled back her shoulders and wiped her tears with her palms. When she looked up, her eyes were blank, staring right through me at the wall behind.

When she started speaking, her voice was flat, impassive and at first barely audible.

‘I was eleven when I found out that my parents were getting divorced. Aaji stepped in immediately and took me to live with her. I was too young to process how a marriage that had seemed perfectly happy could end so suddenly, and I didn’t ever ask. Aaji never let me feel alone. My parents started living separately in two different homes in Mumbai and I started a new life in Pune. They’d told me I could take my time to decide who I wanted to live with, but I chose to stay with Aaji. I met them occasionally on birthdays and holidays, but I never understood how they were as happy apart as I remembered them to be together. What started out as confusion slowly grew into annoyance and, I guess, eventually, anger. They never did tell me why their marriage hadn’t worked, and their amicable separation just made it that much tougher for me to believe that something was wrong. I kept thinking they had just overreacted, but I don’t think they really thought about what their separation would do to me. I slowly distanced myself from them as life began afresh in Pune. I felt peaceful and safe with Aaji—and I decided that was what I wanted. My meeting my parents on and off turned into just phone calls and then into unread texts. As I got older, I let the resentment of their divorce affect my individual relationships with them. They hadn’t tried harder for me, I thought. They hadn’t thought of holding it together till I was old enough to deal with it.

‘What I understood later was that there was no great reason for their fallout. They just happened to realize that they were better apart than together. My mother was a teacher and my father an engineer with a telecom company. They met through common friends and got married in a hurry. The marriage went into a strange, uncomfortable place a few years after I came along. Aaji told me later that they’d tried for a while before deciding that they were better off being friends than life partners. It was as simple as that. They tried harder with me as I got older, but I kept myself away. I didn’t want to be hurt by them, or anyone else, again. Everything I’d seen and believed about relationships and love slowly diminished as I got busy building walls around me, higher every time someone came too close.

‘By the time I was twenty-two I had completely lost touch with them. Aaji was my world, my everything. Then I moved to Mumbai. There I finally had friends who allowed me to be the person I wanted to be without judgement. I was happy. I began to understand “family”

differently. I saw that this lot knew me, and that they were not going anywhere. They’d always be by my side. I started getting better at studies, I dated occasionally … life was better. I was finding some footing after spending a decade closing myself off to the possibility of making any sense of why my family was so fucked up and yet so sorted. And then, in October last year, I got a call from Aaji telling me that Mamma had had a heart attack. And before I could ask how she was, I heard that Baba had been in an accident while he was driving to the hospital to see her. She survived only to learn of Baba’s death and passed away in her sleep the next morning. Another heart attack. My world came crashing down with regret and the thought of everything I’d left unsaid. Every message I’d missed or ignored and every call I hadn’t returned. Every gift I’d left unopened and every invitation I’d declined. I’d spent all my teenage years wishing my parents would leave me alone, and then it really happened. I got what I asked for.’

An eerie silence fell around us. Avani had said all that in one breath. She looked spent. Her head hung low, endless tears seeping out of her eyes.

A hundred thoughts crowded my mind at once. Just hours ago we were where she was sitting now, holding hands and planning the weekend. In the hours before that, I had been watching her in deep sleep, thinking how incredibly fortunate I was to have a girl like her in my arms. Only minutes ago, I’d had the chance to salvage the situation we were in, and then seconds ago I’d crushed that chance.

I couldn’t imagine the pain she was in.

‘Avani,’ I said softly as I reached out to take her hand, but she jerked her body away and rose from the bed. She walked to the coffee table and turned to face me. Fat tears continued to roll down her cheeks with no sign of restraint. The face of courage she had put up had cracked at the edges and her shoulders had completely dropped in surrender.

‘I’m broken, . I’m not the perfect person that you are. Or the person that you want me to be. I don’t have my shit together. I’m winging it every single day, trying to make sense of everything that’s happened to me. I don’t see things the way you do. I have trouble believing a good thing when it’s staring me in the face because good things always turn out to be an illusion. And you just proved me right. Again.’

‘No … No. No. What can I do, Avani? Please tell me. I love you.’

‘Do you, really?’

‘More with every breath I take.’

‘Then let me go home. Where people are exactly who I think they are.’