13. Not My Mate
Ifrowned. Why was he so surprised at that question? "You said he was at the meeting point. Why did you have an established meeting point?"
"Um…" He cleared his throat, his back now straight. "It was the point at which we met. Not so much a formal place. I saw him, and I remembered that he seemed to care for your mother. Which he does. And so I asked him, and I gave him the message. He promised to give it to her. It's not really anything special. Then I handled my other tasks for the king. This is delicious." He cleared his throat, staring down once more at the bowl of stew. His shoulders dropped. "I didn't realize how…bad this place was until you were here." He shoveled another bite in his mouth.
"Really? Don't you feel the cold?" Damn it. It had just slipped out. I shook my head, dipping my chin down. Now I needed to change the topic, though I made a note to return to what had happened with Mama and Hosvir. Something felt off about his story. Not that he hadn't met with Hosvir. Somehow, I knew that part was true. But the part about the meeting place was not. "I'm sorry. I just—sometimes I say things?—"
"No. It's true. It's always cold. It's not pleasant. It didn't occur to me that you wouldn't do well down here." He paused. "Maybe that's why…" He paused, considering something.
"Why what?" My curiosity prickled.
"Humans are forbidden in my home."
"Just humans?" I took a bite of the stew, savoring the soothing richness of the savory broth and the bite of the tomatoes mixed with the fish. "I'd have thought it being under the sea would make that almost redundant."
He shrugged. "They're forbidden in some of the other enforcer and shifter fae homes as well. But all enforcers are forbidden from having a certain species in their quarters. For me, it's humans. Usually it isn't an issue. Dwarves, elves, and fae are more likely to travel these paths. You're the first human I ever saw." He laughed a little.
I laughed as well. "I suppose that makes sense. Though complimenting me on being the prettiest girl you'd seen suddenly seems far less impressive and much more understandable."
"Oh. No." He set his spoon down as he stared at me. "You're the first female human I've seen. But I've seen and spoken with many other females, including princesses and duchesses and the like. You are incomparable. If all women were like you, I'd imagine the king would tell us to not even look upon any vessel carrying a human instead of just telling me I can't have human guests."
My hands dropped into my lap, and my face burned. What could I even say to that? And he wasn't even smirking. He'd said it so sincerely, so openly. As if it were entirely true without hesitation or limitation. "I—why would there be different requirements for different enforcers?"
He resumed eating, devouring the stew hungrily. "The King of the North Sea doesn't like to be questioned. It's always been this way. When I was officially required to enter his service, I received certain instructions. Some of them saved my life. Others—well, I'm certain he has his reasons. It's not for me to question." He said the last part like he struggled to convince himself more than me.
"Saved your life?"
"I'm diseased." He said it flatly, the words just hanging there for a moment. "Not contagious or anything, fortunately. But diseased. It's why my family abandoned me."
I almost dropped the spoon. "Your family?—"
"Yes. I don't want to talk about it." His voice had gone hard. He stared down at his stew, then shook his head. "I was a child. I don't even remember them. They looked at me and decided they didn't want me. But I am cursed or diseased or whatever you prefer to call whatever this is." He gestured toward his appearance. "I can become an eel. That's basically it."
"You were a mer," I said, the words slipping out more to fill the silence than because they were important.
He gave a rough shrug, then took another bite of stew. His shoulders remained tense. "It's in between the human and eel forms. Only good thing about it is I'm really good in the form I have. I'm very strong, and I can endure a lot. All the rest who are diseased like me, we have that going for us, I guess. Even though we'd give almost anything to be full shifters like we're supposed to be. At least we serve a purpose here. Though, sometimes, what bothers me the most is that I can't even change what I look like in my state of rest. I always have these cursed stripes." He gestured toward his face.
His striping pattern was unusual. I wasn't sure what to say. And if I opened my mouth, I'd probably say something stupid like how much I liked yellow and green.
He continued, his voice darker and harsher. "I shouldn't forget my place though. I'm grateful to have a place to live, wretched as it can be sometimes. It's dangerous in some parts for shifter fae to be so visible. They're always killing us beyond the North Sea's boundaries. Skinning us. Enslaving us. They use us for potions and labor. We have to blend in, or else we die."
I frowned at this. That wasn't what I had seen with shifter fae at all. Shifter fae were incredibly hard to defeat. Many were warriors and mercenaries. Most I had seen could become more than one creature. There had been one guide who helped Mama and me across the Painted Mountain Pass, and he had been capable of transforming into a mountain lion, a grizzly bear, and a fanged squirrel among other things. My fingers curled against my palm. "Who would do such a thing?"
"Many out there hate shifter fae, especially ones like me," he said. "The King of the North Sea alone offers us shelter and an opportunity to make something of ourselves. If not for him, I would have had nothing and been nothing. But because of him, I am an enforcer." These words sounded as if he had said them many times. "He was gracious to us, even though he was imprisoned."
I considered this, nibbling on my lip. This didn't make sense. And everyone else spoke of the King of the North Sea as if he were some terrible monster, not a great benefactor who would offer refuge to persecuted shifter fae. "I don't know why he was imprisoned in the North Sea. Only that something dreadful happened years and years ago. Long before my time. But I've seen many shifter fae in my travels. Shifters with striping similar to yours too."
He stiffened, his arm still resting on the tabletop. "You have? Living shifter fae?"
I nodded. "Past the Painted Mountain Pass there was a village that was almost all shifter fae. None of them had green and yellow stripes like you exactly, but there were some who were…well…very colorful. One man had turquoise skin with red triangles and silver lines. And another had deep-blue skin that sometimes glowed."
"This was an unusual place?"
I shook her head. "Not really. They said that a number of their residents were travelers. But those who lived there seemed happy. There were several different cadres, some of them quite large."
"Children too?" His brow furrowed. His claws dug into the table, making it shift on the uneven leg. "Were there children in that place? Were there—were there bright children?"
I nodded. "Yes. There were more in a fishing village just before we set sail. Duke's Port. Probably less than two weeks' swim for you. You could go visit them."
"I am not permitted." He gripped his wrist, his hand folding over the claw bracelet. His sleeve almost hid it.
"Convenient," I mused. But a little bit of hope flared within me. He could come with me. He probably would. Even if he wasn't allowed, he'd be tempted to join me. I knew he would.Then he could meet other shifters and maybe find a cure.
He crossed to the woodstove and counter. "If not for the king, I'd be dead." He then picked up a mug and removed the jar of herbs from the cupboard.
Tagger watched him, gnawing on the fish head as he sat on his stool.
"That's kind of funny," I mused. "You were able to heal me somehow, but you have to drink that concoction for your disease?" I crossed over and took the jar from his hand.
His eyebrows lifted. He shrugged then. "I suppose so."
I sniffed the herbs, then winced. The foul scent struck me even harder now. It was definitely familiar. Back at that ramshackle place…several of the shifter fae had drank something similar. But it wasn't medicine exactly. They had sat by the fire and sipped it to keep themselves from losing their forms. Slippery root, snake's bane, and glory cabbage. "What exactly does this do to help you? This smells like something the shifter fae in the village used to suppress shifter instincts."
"Hmm." He shrugged at that and took another grimacing sip. "Makes sense, I suppose. If I don't take it, then it advances, and it will shred me within hours. I'll lose my ability to hold myself together. So it probably is suppressing that. It certainly makes me feel more…solid. Less like I'm about to fall apart. Maybe that's why I can only become the eel."
That sounded awful. "You have to drink a lot of it."
"Not until recently. I used to take one mug every three days." He managed another sip. "Past couple days…it's just gotten worse."
I frowned. That sounded…bad. "It will—it will kill you?"
"If I stop taking the medicinal herbs, probably." He took another long drink. "Don't worry," he said dryly. "I already put in a request for added stores. The king is good at ensuring we are never without a supply. I know…" He paused, as if something had occurred to him.
"So you were able to heal me, but it doesn't work for you?"
His gaze darted back to me. "No…I mean, yes." His scowl deepened. "I don't know what happened. Most shifter fae can't do that. Not unless they're healers. I'm not a healer. So that's not what happened." He took a drink and grimaced, shaking his head.
"They can't heal anyone? That doesn't sound right." I shook my head as I watched him. "I saw one shifter fae heal another. He got mauled by a bear. Didn't look like he was going to make it."
He scowled, then scoffed. "Were they mated?"
"Possibly?" I managed a small, nervous laugh. "I didn't exactly ask their relationship status."
"Shifter fae can heal their mates." His bright-green eyes had gone sharp and hungry again, piercing me through.
He had healed me.
My stomach somersaulted. Wait—was that why I was feeling this way? "Are you saying?—"
"I don't have a mate," he said, his voice rough. "And even if I did, I wouldn't be allowed to take a mate. If I were found with my mate, I would be executed and so would she." He raked his hand through his hair, the words just spilling out. "Mating bonds happen fast," he said, his voice low. "If I could have a mate, I would have known if you were mine as soon as I touched you. But I can't have a mate. And I?—"
"You didn't feel anything for me?" I folded my arms. What was even wrong with me for feeling hurt at that statement? I didn't want him to have feelings for me. Of course not!
The way he looked at me though… He wasn't the first man to look at me in a way similar to this. But he was the most intense. "Fine then." I wasn't going to push it. It wasn't as if I wanted him thinking lustful thoughts about me or feeling me up.
My cheeks heated as I tried to avoid imagining his hands roaming over my body and the light strokes of his claws on my flesh. That was not what I wanted. Not at all!
The tension that radiated through my body was nothing more than…my mind blanked as I struggled to come up with an excuse. It wasn't real! And I wasn't disappointed. I was just—lonely. Salt's bane, I hated myself.
Then I realized he was still staring at me. His throat bobbed.
"You didn't feel anything for me, did you?" I asked again, softer this time.
"Are you telling me you did?"
His gaze pinned me in place. There was—there was something. Was it a mate bond?
"Listen. Let's not pretend. There's no mate bond before us. And I should be glad there isn't. The herbs are tailored to my blood as it is. If you were my mate, our connection would change even my blood. And the medicine wouldn't work."
"So you'd die?"
He paused, then shook his head. "Well, yeah, if I could have a mate. But I can't. That's the whole thing with this disease. Everything the King of the North Sea does is targeted at our blood and our core. A mate bond would change that. Finding a mate would be more than just—" He stopped, his brow pinching. "This is pointless. I grabbed you because I was lonely and I liked you. And the only reason you agreed to come with me was to ensure your mother and the crew survived. You didn't feel a mate bond."
"Of course not. I'm not a shifter fae. I'm not a fae at all. I'm just an ordinary human. I'm a spinster stew cook." The words snapped out, harsher than I intended. I tried to swallow the knot of emotion that built within me. "There's nothing special about me."
He hissed through his teeth. "Don't speak of yourself that way. Just because your mother cannot see your value beyond her use for you does not mean you have no value."
"Don't speak about my mother." My chest tightened.
He finished the murky liquid and set the mug down hard. Grimacing, he wiped his mouth. "You're going to ask me to let you go, aren't you?"
I struggled to calm my heart. This wasn't going the way I'd planned. My stomach twisted. "I don't see any reason for you to keep me here. If you're just lonely, I'll find a way to send you letters or something. But my mother needs me." My voice faltered before I could suggest he come with me. He didn't allow the pause to rest.
"Your mother only cares about finding your sister, and you said yourself that your sister is likely dead." He waved his hand as he served himself more stew.
I had lost my appetite, so I took my bowl and dropped it in the washbasin full of cold water. I hated that he was right. "My mother can't do this alone. She's lost everything…"
"So have you. Why do you insist on defending her? She treated you horribly. You have taken care of her all these years. You have looked after her. She does not protect you. She simply weeps and mourns for the daughter lost to her years ago." He jabbed his finger at me. "You are worth more than that, woman. I have only known you for a few days, but I know that. Just because you are not my mate does not mean I cannot see just how valuable and brilliant you are. How much better you deserve."
"So you want to keep me trapped down here in a cave under the sea forever?" I set my hands on my waist, glaring at him even as my heart felt like it was splitting. No one had ever spoken to me in this way. Yelling was common enough. But he sounded like he saw me and cared.
His brow furrowed. His shoulders dropped. "Mena…"
"Don't speak ill of my family if you want to keep talking to me," I said.
He raised an eyebrow. "But you have said?—"
"I can talk about my family. You can’t."
His shoulders dropped, his voice softening. "Why would you want to go back with them, though? I will pay attention to you. You may not be my mate, but I—I—" He broke off before he could finish the thought.
My eyes widened. Had he been about to say he loved me?
My mouth went dry.
No. That wasn't possible. We hadn't known each other long enough. I had to stop being ridiculous. And even if he had been about to say it—well, I wasn't a shifter fae. I still needed time.Didn't I?
A loud splash sounded outside the door to the water entry. Heavy footsteps followed. Then a loud thudding struck the door. "Enforcer Corvin, answer," a deep voice bellowed.
Tagger hopped off the stool, squeaking and bristling.
Corvin's attention snapped to me, his expression hard. "You have to hide. Now," he growled.