16. Certain
Isat up, fear surging through my veins. "Corvin? Tagger?" The blankets had been tucked around me, but they slid away as I jumped to my feet.
Even without the lack of response, I knew they were gone. The cavern felt empty without them, even with the stew simmering on the woodstove.
A piece of paper sat on the table under my spoon.
My spoon was fixed? The end was blackened from the flames, two of the runes burned away. But…he'd fixed it?
Somehow.
I picked up the paper then. It showed two stick figures and a small stick blob, one holding up a hand and the small stick blob, the other figure standing. Stay, maybe? Was the stick blob a hand? He and Tagger were going somewhere, but they'd be back?
I shook my head, dragging my fingers through my tangled hair. Worry flared within me. Not simply for Mama. Not just for me. For them.
Nothing had better happen to that stupid fae shifter or his ridiculous otter. I clenched my fists, tears leaking down my cheeks.
Sniffling, I wiped my face and tried to find something to occupy my time. There was no way out right now. I almost thanked the Creator for that. Because that kept me from having to make a choice. A choice I should never have to make.
I belonged with Mama, taking care of her and making sure that she was all right. Even if I had been on the verge of telling her I'd had enough and we were going to settle down or I'd find my own path. And yet, thinking of leaving Corvin here—I pushed the thoughts away, my heart hammering.
He wasn't my mate. I was just a human.
I paced, examined the mini-crossbow, found the spare bolts in my pocket, and then made sure it was all in working order. Not that it would do much good here, but it soothed me to do something familiar.
I then read to distract myself, barely absorbing the words. He'd asked me to swear to stay. And I hadn't really answered him. He hadn't been angry either. Yet guilt rose within me.
What was wrong with me?
Why did it—why did the thought of leaving or wounding his feelings hurt?
The door scraped open. Tagger bolted in through the flap, not seeming to care that the door itself was already moving. Corvin followed close behind. His stripes still weren't their usual brightness.
I stood, my heart in my throat. "Where did you go?"
He stared at me, his hand on the door. "I'm ready to talk, Mena." He spoke the words with such calm and weight, but torment filled his eyes.
My stomach dropped. "Yes?" What did he want to talk about exactly? The entire mood had shifted between us. It was like standing on uneven ground.
He shut the door and strode closer. I was relieved to see he was steadier on his feet now. With a sigh, he dragged his fingers through his hair. "I went back to the island. This time I did speak with your mother."
"How is she?"
He opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head. "She's safe. And well. At least as well as one can be in her situation."
I stilled, staring at him, my hands folded tight against one another.
"I told her you were safe," he said. There was a heaviness in his voice, weighing down his shoulders. "I told her I hadn't harmed you. That I wouldn't. That I would…I would never." He covered his mouth, his head dropping. His mouth twitched. "I need to explain. When all this started, I didn't think your mother loved you."
I pulled back, frowning. "How could you say that?"
"Not all mothers love their children equally. My family abandoned me. As soon as it was known that I was diseased and I could never change from this…" He gestured toward his stripes, still not looking at me. "My own mother left me on the rocks to be found by the king's fae. And…well, you might not realize this, but even before our first encounter, I heard what was happening on the ship."
My eyes widened. "You mean the first time I saw you wasn't the first time you saw me?"
He shook his head. "I can travel all the neutral waters surrounding the North Sea, though I am not allowed to set foot on land. And as soon as the ship entered those waters, I heard your mother's wails for the daughter she had lost. I heard her conversations with Hosvir and all her thoughts and justifications. Plans from half-formed hopes and desperate acts to scrape together some clue about Erryn's location. I knew Erryn's name before yours. It took me three days to realize who you were to her. I didn't even know you were her daughter."
I flinched. "Don't…" I warned, my voice hoarse.
His brow lifted. "I'm not trying to wound you," he said. "I am only stating what I saw and how I felt. I?—"
"I have watched my mother destroy her life searching for my little sister. But she loves me! I know she does."
He nodded then. "Yes. She does. You were the one who was supposed to stay and thrive. She leaned on you. You are the one who shouldered the impact of her grief along with your own sorrow. She sacrificed you?—"
"I went willingly," I said, my voice sharpening despite the thick tears in my throat.
"It wasn't fair. You gave up everything, and she didn't even try to stop you."
"It's not her fault," I whispered.
But he was right.
I had given up everything. Suitors. Stability. Dreams. Home. There had been times I hated Mama and Erryn, but I'd also never stopped loving them. And it had always been my decision to keep going. They were my family. And I couldn't imagine staying behind. The fae who stole Erryn stole our lives as well, and I had no answers. It was only recently I had been coming to terms with the fact I had to do something different because this was bad for both Mama and me. "It isn't."
He dipped his head forward, his voice raspy. "Not all of it. You love her. I understand this better now. And she loves you, although that love has become twisted in her desperation to find your sister. Her love wasn't clear to me, but the rest of it was. And I—I thought I could save you."
I startled. This wasn't where I had expected the conversation to go.
"I wanted to rescue you," he continued. "I wanted you for my own. I know—I know you aren't my mate. I'm forbidden to have one, and if I could have had a mate, the bond would have snapped into place between us almost at once. But still, I couldn't stay away from you. Especially when I heard—I heard so much."
"I didn't realize that anyone could hear us on the ship," I said, still struggling with this revelation.
"There are no secrets on the sea," he said, his gaze on the floor. "At least not many. Sound carries over the water." He raked his hand through his hair as he sat on the stool. It creaked and tipped forward until he braced his boot against the cracked stone. "Even before I saw you, I felt for you. And—I don't know fully what I was thinking. I thought—I thought I could give you something more, somehow…I wanted to take care of you. But I've brought you into such danger. And now you're the one taking care of me. My feelings for you got twisted, and it wasn't about what was best for you or even what you wanted."
I kept my arms crossed. Confusion knotted inside me. "I've just…I'm good at taking care of things."
"I know." His throat bobbed before he glanced up at me, a soft wetness in his eyes. "I wanted you to be mine. I wanted you to stay. But there's something I want more. I want to take care of you. And taking care of you means letting you go."
Those words hung in the air between us.
All I could do was stare.
"What are you saying, Corvin?"
"I am saying that I'm releasing you. I'll take you back. But I have to meet with the King of the North Sea. I can't slip out again without being spotted, and they will see me if I try to carry you through the waters."
My stomach clenched. I shook my head as I remembered the three fae who had come here. "They're going to hurt you, aren't they?"
He shrugged, his manner heavy and subdued. His claws pressed against his temples. "They have questions. They'll likely harvest my blood."
"Harvest your blood?" Alarm flared through me. How could his situation get worse every time we spoke? I suddenly recalled what Hosvir had said.
He nodded. "All the shifter fae are required to provide blood. It's early this time, but when we shifter fae have erred in the past, the king has required a heavier blood tithe. They have no other evidence of my violating the laws. Once they've taken what the king requires and satisfied themselves, they'll stop. Then they'll get off my back, and they won't be watching this place so closely. When I return, I'll take you back to your mother. In case something goes wrong, I've told Tagger to stay here with you. If I don't come back, he'll guide you through the water. Just tell him to take you to the Kabroks."
I bit the inside of my lip, tears pricking my eyes. He meant it. He actually meant it. And everything was becoming clearer. Including the thoughts I pondered in the past days. "It was just the ship, wasn't it?"
He grunted. "What?"
"You said over and over that the ship had to be destroyed."
He twitched his shoulder, but his gaze dropped.
"And you did know Captain Hosvir. It's why you came to see the ship. You knew it. There was a meeting place on the island. It's why he was willing to risk the boundary to get my mother where she wanted to be. He knew—he knew you were looking for the loophole too. And it's why the crew all cooperated." I shook my head. "I figured they weren't fighting you on the ship because they were too terrified. But no… They knew who you were. It's why they cooperated so fast."
"The law is merciless. And it was fulfilled to the letter."
"You don't want to be an enforcer."
He shook his head, his lips pressed in a tight line. One thin split still ran the length of his lip and chin, a trace of the abuse from the earlier day. "It was that or die from starvation or exposure or the disease that makes me this way. And I took the vow to serve the king so long as I remained in his territory when I was ten. It was my choice. Just as it has been my choice to fulfill only the letter of his law rather than its spirit."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered.
"There are no secrets above the sea. Places like this are safe. But you never know who is listening above or in the open water. And once you were here with me, I started to realize it was a mistake. A mistake I can't even understand why I made." He bowed his head, the following words agonizing. "Shifter fae like me—we just don't have mates. Yet—" He looked at me, his eyes hooding. His breath caught in his throat. "I can't explain it. Every time I look at you, Mena, all I feel is hunger and need. I wasn't sure what it was at first. I—I'd never felt it before. It isn't as if I haven't flirted or even traded kisses or affection. But it never meant anything. It never awoke anything except a desire to see others flustered or off balance." He shrugged and let his arm fall to his side. "But with you…from the moment I saw you, all I have realized is what I lack."
Something inside me splintered. I moistened my lips and squared my shoulders. "So why did you want me to come with you down here? Was it just to save me from what you thought was a mother who didn't care about me?" I asked, my voice choked. "If you can't have a mate?—"
"No. It just slipped out the first time. The invitation. And then the idea behind it grew. The thought of no longer being alone. The thought of being near you. I wanted—" He shook his head. "What I wanted was unfair. Especially now when I realize the kind of person you are. You take care of people. And no one takes care of you. I wanted to take care of you, but I'm too broken to know how to do that as well as I would like. I think maybe people like you are rivers that give until they are dry. Then they mourn, not because they are empty but because they wish so much that they had more to give. And I have to let you go or you will die in this place."
His words both cut and comforted me. "Corvin—" I started.
He stepped closer and took my hands in his. His claws lightly scraped my skin. "I thought I could hide you here. I didn't think they would notice that you were missing from the ship. I didn't think…" He bowed his head. "Cruel as they were to me, they would be worse to you. I know now I can't protect you. And this place is wretched." He pressed his forehead to mine. "I am so sorry, Mena."
My breaths grew ragged. "What makes you so certain I'm not your mate?" I whispered, my voice shaking. That rational part of my mind told me this was fast, and yet…it did not feel wrong. "I understand—I think—that there's a disease. But what if that's wrong? What makes you so certain?"
"The mate bond hasn't come together," he whispered. "It's simple."
"How do you know?"
"It would change me. And you. It would change me at my core. In my muscles. My blood. My very life."
"Is that why you kept grabbing my ankle and trying to touch me?"
He shrugged slightly and managed a smile. The corners faltered. "When I first saw you and caught your scent, something stirred in me. I hoped…" He swallowed hard, then nuzzled me. His eyes shuttered. "You are not my mate, Mena. But if I could choose one, I would choose you. I tried to choose you, but I can't condemn you to this fate." His breath wisped against my cheek. "I can't keep you here. I was wrong to tear you away as I did."
"We made a bargain," I protested, my voice hoarse. "I agreed to come with you."
"I was going to save everyone I could on your ship anyway. I manipulated you into coming with me." His fingertips stroked my cheek before he stepped back. He paced across the room, sighing. "You're always going to give. And if I am to…care about you, then I must care for you as you are. Pretending that you would be anything but yourself was cruel of me. And I'm sorry, Mena. For everything. I want to make you happy, but I have no idea how to do it. Especially not in a wretched place like this. All the warmth and goodness here is because of you. All I've done is drag you into torment and suffering. And words will never fully express how much I regret that. How much it breaks my heart to even think of you being hurt because of it. But that night on the ship when you chased after me…"
I cut my gaze up at him as I folded my arms. "What about that night?" My heart beat faster now, emotion choking me.
His gaze raked over me. I wasn't nearly so well put together now as I had been then. My hair was frizzy, my clothing mussed, wrinkled, and smelling of the sea. But he looked at me as if he saw beneath all of that and craved every inch of me. My whole body tensed.
"Well?" I demanded, my breaths ragged now.He'd looked at me so many times, heating my blood. But now—now it was as if everything had lit up within him.
No one would ever look at me like he did.
And I was terrified and aroused at once.
Not simply because of him, but because of me.
He crossed toward me, backing me against the wall once more. His hand struck the rocky surface, caging me in and setting my pulse raging. Then he leaned closer, his nose grazing mine.
I swallowed hard, my core tensing and heat pooling in my belly. But I waited—waited to see what he was going to do.
His breath whispered against my lips.
"I don't understand it," he said. "What I feel for you when I look at you…when I hold you—" He let out a low, rumbling growl that made me gasp. "There are things I want to do to you. Things that aren't supposed to be possible. Things I shouldn't."
I held my breath. "Why not?"
"You're not my mate," he said hoarsely, the words sounding painful to him. "I should never have taken you. I can't make you mine, no matter how much I want you. And I need to get you out of here. I have to get you somewhere safe."
His tongue pressed at his lips as he wet them. He leaned a little closer, the heat from his body reaching me.
I stared up at him, eyes wide. His body had felt so good pressed against mine during the past nights. Now I ached to feel the whole of him against me, crushing me into the wall and exploring every line, every curve.
His thumb grazed my temple as his other hand slipped to my throat. His fingers pressed against my skin, the tips of his claws making my skin pebble as delicious shivers rushed through me.
Kiss me.
Kiss me now.
My lips parted as he stroked a line from my ear to my jaw. He started to pull back.
"Come with me," I whispered.
He tilted his head, his eyebrow flicking up.
"You and Tagger, we'll all run away. We'll get my mother and everyone else on the island, and we'll get away from here. Get you out of the king's power. I won't leave you. You'll leave with me."
His smile pulled crooked, but that sad hunger remained in his eyes. "If only I could."
"Why can't you? We may not be mates, but?—"
He removed his hand from my throat and showed me his wrist. The two claws from the bracelet were still embedded in his skin; the flesh was swollen around them.
Several remained.
"At the king's command, these claws will puncture my wrist, injecting me with venom. He doesn't have to be close to me to do it. It is enough for him to utter the command, and they will inject one at a time, leading to a tortuous death. Or at least paralysis and helplessness while his faithful servants drag me back. There's no escape for me, clever girl. The venom has been made specifically for me to attack my blood and my body."
I shook my head. There had to be another way. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
His clawed finger slipped beneath my chin and tilted my face up to his. "What's this? Are you really crying for me? So soon? After all I've done? You really are a priceless treasure, darling."
"I don't understand why I'm feeling so much so fast, but…the thought of leaving you here in this place—you and Tagger both—I can't." I scrunched my eyelids shut for a breath. This was happening so quickly, and it made no sense. But it burned so true.
"If I could, I'd be there with you in my arms or on my knees asking for you to be mine. Fate and king be damned." He nudged me with his nose. The low rumbling groan that pulled from his lips almost undid me. "The only thing I want right now is to know you have a chance to live. Really live, Mena."
"And that doesn't extend to you? Don't you deserve to live?"
"Fate and life aren't about what's deserved. Simply what is." He pressed his finger to my lips. "You have a chance, Mena. I'm going to make sure you get it. I just ask that you think about what you want for your life and don't always think immediately about what others want or need."
"And what if what I want is for you to kiss me?" I whispered.
His breath hitched. He licked his lips again. "If I start to kiss you, I won't stop. I'll kiss you until you're breathless and shaking and the only reason you're still standing is because I'm holding you up."
"And you would deny me that?"
His eyes widened as his hand flattened against the wall by my head. His other hand curled into my hair, tipping my head back as he leaned in?—
Heavy fists beat on the door.