12. CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 12
Tilda
I might not have had my tower bedroom dream come true at Hazelhurst, but hike to anywhere elevated on an evening and you’ll be graced with the most spectacular sunset.
It comes early these days, pink scudding the sky between the pine trees at around 4pm—just in time for us exiting our final tutorial of the afternoon.
‘What’s the plan then, motherfuckers?’ Haz asks as we wend our way towards the rear of the castle.
It’s just rocks back there, sparse shrubbery sticking out between them. The wind is usually fierce, as is the sound of the waves crashing below.
Tonight, the clouds are powder pink, limning the wave caps below in the same colour. If we didn’t have an appointment to uphold, I’d insist on sitting on those rocks to watch the sun go down. Knowing this country, by the time we emerge from the castle in barely ten minutes time, it’ll be full night.
‘Stores, then my place for a reccy?’
I take the stone stairs two at a time until I reach the double doors, holding them open for Haz and Elly.
Elly salutes me as she passes, but Haz narrows her eyes warningly. I smile at her. I’ve been making it a game to get in there first with the chivalrous thing. I know it pisses her off, something I find both funny and adorable.
Once inside, it’s through another set of doors and then down, down, down into the bowels of the castle.
Stores is Hazelhurst’s old wine cellar, now serving as the place we rent all our media equipment from. It’s cool they’ve kept the old bottles, lining the dusty shelves behind a thick layer of glass.
I make Haz and Elly get our cameras and tripods from the scary lady behind the desk. Last year, I decided to test just how thick that glass was (those bottles must be worth a bomb, was my thinking), resulting in the loudest alarm I’ve ever heard and a fifteen-minute lecture from said scary lady. Suffice to say, I tend now to avoid her.
Once we’re loaded up—Haz and Elly, that is. I’m banned from any heavy lifting—we make our way to Portia House, lampposts blinking on along the paths.
Most of our film will be shot in the forest and around the old crypt, but the prologue of it is set in a modern hospital-type location. And apart from the student’s union, the scholarship halls of residences are the most nondescript buildings on the island. Not modern but painted white enough.
‘We can probably make this look like a hospital.’ I lead them down to the end of the corridor, where we’ll start our first panning shot. The bedroom doors don’t have those long windows like ward doors but I’m sure we can find some stickers on Amazon.
‘Yep, get me in some sexy scrubs and we’ll be away,’ Haz says, swinging a tripod bag off her shoulder.
The only thing this end of the corridor is the fire exit so we’re not in anyone’s way as we set everything up. I take some rudimentary shots first, trying not to focus on Natasha’s bedroom in the viewfinder.
I heard him in there again this morning. Ryan. His morning drawl, that low laugh. Had he spent the night with her?
She’s been trying to talk to me again, both in tutorials and in the evenings at the flat. And like an idiot, I almost buckle. Then she fucks him again and I’m left feeling angry at all bloody three of us.
Shit, living in Portia House is torture . I can’t spend the rest of the year like this.
‘We should get some shots from the top of the east tower,’ Elly says, watching what I’m doing from over my shoulder. ‘At sunset or something.’
‘Oh my god, yes. The walk up’s fucking awful but the views are insane.’
She nudges me playfully. ‘We should go up there anyway. Just the two of us. Three won’t fit on that narrow staircase.’
‘Well, Haz took me on her version of a date, so it’s only fair you do.’
‘Woah, woah, woah.’ Haz holds up her palms, an expression of outrage on her face. ‘You distinctly said it wasn’t a date. Because believe me if it was, baby, you’d have got the full princess package.’
‘I should have got the princess package anyway.’
‘She’s right,’ Elly agrees with a smirk. ‘You choked.’
‘Fuck that!’ She kicks a leg of the tripod, causing it to collapse. ‘I want a rematch.’
‘No rematches, sorry.’ Happy enough with the shots, I pick up the tripod. ‘I think we should start that shot from that end. Then we won’t get that pink wall in it.’
We start off back down the corridor, Elly relieving me of the equipment.
When I glance at Haz, she’s still glowering.
‘Dude, chill,’ I laugh. ‘Believe me, that was better than any date I’ve been on with a guy. You did good.’
‘Damn right I did.’ With a grin she picks me up, swinging me round and round.
My stomach goes all funny like I’m on a rollercoaster and I scream out, finding purchase on her broad shoulders.
She’s so strong, her grip on me almost punishing. There’s something reassuringly steady in it, the broken edges of myself clinking back together for just a second.
Then she bounces off a wall, losing her footing. ‘Oh, shit.’
My breath stutters as we crash into a door. It flies open and she stumbles further.
There’s a gasp, then the unmistakable sound of Ryan’s voice shouting, ‘Fucking get out!’
I’m dizzy and breathless from the spinning. I drag hair out of my face, looking round.
We’re in Natasha’s room.
And there they are. In bed. One hundred percent fucking.
I remain there frozen. I can’t move. Even breathing’s a struggle.
There’s hatred in Ryan’s eyes as he flings back the quilt. Covering himself with a t-shirt, he pushes me out of the room.
I stumble but Haz grabs me, pulling me tighter when I try to flee.
‘Please get off me.’
She holds me tighter. ‘No.’
I put my hands over my face, hiding my eyes from the fluorescent lights shining a spotlight on the shit show of my life.
Not that I hadn’t fully expected that to be happening but to see it, full on witnessing the boy I think I still love fucking my best friend who I definitely still love, just kind of hits different.
‘Fuck my life,’ I breathe into my hands, willing back the tears burning my eyes.
I feel Elly stroking my back, her touch more humiliating than comforting. I step out of Haz’s arms just in time for Natasha’s door to fly open again.
Ryan’s dressed this time, but that fury’s still in his eyes.
‘Fucking sick bitch.’
Elly steps in front of me. ‘Hey, back off, man.’
Ryan points his finger at her. ‘Fuck off.’
He turns back to me. ‘Stalking now, hm?’
‘What? No, that was an accident,’ I stammer out.
‘Just fuck off Tilda. Jesus!’ He flings up his hands. ‘Why are you even still here?’
‘I live here,’ I say weakly.
He scoffs. ‘Fucking wish you didn’t. Literal freak .’ He turns back to Natasha’s room, hand braced on the handle. ‘Just stay the fuck away, will you.’
The door shuts. My hands are shaking. I furl them into fists to stop them.
‘I’m gonna cut off his dick,’ Haz says, no ounce of a joke in her voice.
I shake my head. I can’t even form words. His fury’s paralysed me, their image seared into my brain.
‘Come on.’ Haz grabs my arm, pulling me none too gently into my own room. ‘Pack a bag.’
At my blank look, she says, ‘You’re coming to ours. No arguments.’
I look to Elly who just nods. When I fail to move, she comes over to where I’m standing. ‘Where’s your stuff?’
Dazedly, I find my backpack and shove some clothes inside.
I’m an intruder in my own bedroom. That awful feeling’s back in my stomach, like the rules of the game I knew so well have shifted, the players I thought I could rely on no longer in the same roles.
For the first time since arriving on Hazelhurst, I feel like I don’t belong.
Then another thought strikes me and I pause in my packing. ‘I can’t stay at yours. Nic...’
‘Fuck Nic,’ Haz spits.
‘It’s cool,’ Elly adds. ‘She’s never in anyway. And, you know, desperate times and all that.’
Too upset to argue, I let Haz take my bag in one arm, the other coming over my shoulders. ‘Come on, let’s get you way from those worthless pieces of shit!’
She shouts it in a way they’ll definitely hear, cementing the fact that I probably won’t be back any time soon.
It was getting unbearable anyway, my stomach churning each time I thought about those two together, which was pretty much every second I was in the flat. Only my tutorials and seminars have been offering any respite. Those and these two girls. Thank fuck for them, wherever they came from.
‘Thanks,’ I whisper, briefly resting my head on Haz’s shoulder.
She plants a kiss on the top of my head. ‘Don’t mention it. It’s all part of my grand plan to fuck you.’
‘Asshole,’ I laugh.
But Elly’s not laughing, making me wonder if there’s a tad bit of jealousy there. After all, she proclaimed her attraction to me first.
I shake it off. Last thing I need is lesbian drama. These two are the only ones I have now.
Tuesday is fajita night and apparently an unexpected new housemate isn’t going to put a stop to that. Since Nic’s thankfully not around to break my other wrist, it’s the least I can do to help them cook everything up.
The kitchen window’s steamy, concealing the cul-de-sac beyond and Haz and Elly are trying their upmost to bolster my spirits, mostly with dirty jokes, flirty banter and loud, upbeat indie music.
I don’t mind. Despite a major thorn in the shape of one lanky, angry girl, I like the cosy casualness of their house and how light their presence makes me feel. I’ve not known them that long, but we’ve gotten close quickly. Surprising given my reserved nature.
I think that’s one of the reasons why the Ryan and Natasha thing hurts so much. I’d let them in, properly in, and they’d just abused it.
And apparently I’m to blame?
I know logically that’s bollocks. Ryan is just a prick. But his words pick at old wounds, ones that are never given the chance to heal.
I don’t even know what I’m sad about anymore, our breakup or all the ways it’s triggering me.
We’re lounging on the sofa, bellies full and idly watching a game show when I hear the front door.
Immediately my hackles are up, stomach tensed against what’s about to transpire.
The other two don’t even raise their heads and I try affecting their air of nonchalance.
But then Nic enters the lounge, brown eyes spotting mine. She doesn’t glare like Haz does, doesn’t slit her eyes. But you can feel the fire in them, her entire body bristling like she’s about to punch me.
And given our recent history, I can’t be sure she won’t.
‘It’s home time,’ she says, her quiet voice laced in warning.
‘Leave her,’ Haz mutters, eyes still on the TV.
Nic snaps her gaze to her. ‘I said it’s fucking home time.’
Haz sighs, her socked feet hitting the floor as she sits up. ‘And I said leave her. She’s had a fucking day of it.’
‘Not my problem.’ She points at the door. ‘Just get her out before I do.’
‘Chill, man,’ Elly pipes up. ‘It’s not just you who lives here.’
‘And I think you need to remember how it is you live here at all.’
‘Don’t be playing that fucking card,’ says Haz.
‘It’s cool.’ I raise my hands placatingly. ‘You said that room’s set up right? I’m honestly knackered. Might just grab a shower and crash if that’s alright.’
Haz gets to her feet. ‘Sure. Come on. I’ll show you.’ She glares at Nic. ‘Sort your fucking attitude out or there’s going to be problems.’
Everything gets louder at night. Lying in the small single bed of their spare room-cum-gym, I’m besieged with images of Ryan and Natasha, his furious voice cutting through me.
It’s peaceful in the lodge itself. No hordes of noisy freshers, no wind. Just quiet music sounding from above me. Nic’s room, but I don’t want to be thinking about her. I imagine everyone’s charging up for the sports night out tomorrow.
Now I’m alone with nothing to do but think, the tears come a bit easier.
Doesn’t help that I texted Mum today, only for my message to go unanswered. I know she hates me but to be so obviously reminded hurts.
That’s three of them now. Mum, Ryan, Nic.
Just a shitty-ass day all round.
I’m scrubbing the tears from my face when a knock sounds at the door, followed by a shaft of hallway light.
‘Hey,’ Elly whispers.
‘Hey.’
‘Can I come in?’
‘Depends on your intentions.’
The light disappears but I feel her in the room.
‘A heart to heart? Maybe a spoon if you’re up for it?’
I smile in the dark. Already the heaviness in my chest is dissipating. Bloody good distractions, these girls. ‘I might allow that.’
‘Sweet. I’m clothed, promise.’
‘I believe you. Not sure I would Haz though.’
‘Yeah, she’s the last person you want to get caught with after dark.’
I move up the bed, practically hugging the wall. The mattress dips beside me as she climbs in.
‘Warm under here,’ she murmurs.
‘The heat of my despair.’
‘Poetic.’ She arranges herself beneath the covers and then everything falls quiet.
‘Soooo,’ she draws out, ‘that spoon…’
I release a sigh. ‘Get on with it then. Before my intimacy issues rear their heads.’
I close my eyes as her body presses against my back. She’s warm and soft and I think this is just what I need. Her arm comes over my middle and I hear her sigh.
‘Okay?’ she asks.
‘Okay,’ I whisper.
We don’t talk. No point. Pretty obvious how I’m feeling and sometimes actions are louder than words anyway. It’s just enough that she sought me out, wordlessly offering comfort. I don’t know her well, but I think she’s a giant sweetie beneath all that swagger and flirtation.
Haz makes it obvious what her intentions are, but I do think Elly could be content with just friendship.
I wait for the discomfort that usually comes with affection, but it never does. Either I’m beyond caring or those walls just never existed with Elly, as easy as she is to be with.
Haz intimidates me. As fun and as confident as she is, sometimes she comes close to that line, and I feel myself tensing up and backpedalling. It’s not a bad tenseness, just one heavy with potential. I know she wants to fuck me and sometimes when I’m drunk, like the other night at Vipers, it’s easier for me to let dumb things like that happen.
Fucking a girl has never once crossed my mind but, up until lately, it’s also true that the opportunity had just never presented itself.
Now it has it probably wouldn’t take much to give in. Which should probably be a bigger deal than it feels. But Haz is handsome, beyond confident, and with that fake dick a permanent attachment, I might regret it in the morning, but at the time…
But here, with Elly, I know this cuddle is enough.
I clear my throat as something enters my mind. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Ask away.’
‘What did Nic mean when she said you need to remember how you got here?’
‘Ah.’ I hear the grin in Elly’s voice. ‘My dirty little secret.’
‘What’s that?’
She noses my hair out the way so she can whisper into my ear, ‘That I’m scholarship too.’
‘What?’ I half turn to her. ‘Really? And here I thought you were just one of the rich kids.’
‘Nope. Furthest thing from rich, me.’
‘So how come you got to live here for first year? Oh, wait—Nic?’
‘Yep. Nic. I befriended her in freshers and she basically blackmailed student services to let me live here with her and Haz.’
‘Where were you before?’
‘Ludwig House. For exactly a week before I was kidnapped.’
‘Must be nice having friends in high places.’
‘Yep. And now you have some too.’
‘Can’t see Nic granting me any favours like that.’
‘Maybe not, but say the word and me and Haz will do anything you want.’
‘Aren’t I a lucky girl.’
‘Not sure about that.’ She’s smiling again. ‘We can be massive assholes.’
‘Lies. You seem really nice, Elly.’
‘Yeah,’ she sighs. ‘Always been my problem.’
It’s a quiet house the next morning. I leave Elly in bed, scooting out from under her arm. All feels a bit weirder in the light of day, but I don’t want her to know that. She was just trying to be sweet.
I use the bathroom. The view from here is the forest, morning sunlight filtering through the thin trunks. It’s a nice view to brush my teeth to, feeling grubby when I remember I hadn’t brushed them last night. Elly’s comfort was too strong a call to resist. I’m surprised I slept the whole way through with her spooning me.
To be honest, I hadn’t wanted another run-in with Nic. It was easier to just stay put.
I’m not so lucky this morning. As soon as I exit the bathroom, she’s there on the landing, dressed in baggy shorts and a hoodie with the hood up.
She pauses there like she’s waiting for me to pass.
‘No, no, you go.’ I gesture her on with a hand. ‘Wouldn’t want you to push me down the stairs or anything.’
She gives a small shake of her head, thumping down the stairs in her bare feet.
I follow more slowly, unwedging my sleep shorts from my bum. I’m wearing a hoodie too, but it’s the thin kind that shows off my nips. I’m not normally shy in that way but there’s something about the idea of exposing myself to that nutcase that makes me uncomfortable.
Not wanting to retreat with my tail between my legs, I follow her into the kitchen where she’s fussing with the coffee machine.
I know she’s not about to offer me one, so good job I don’t like the stuff. I take two glasses from the draining board and fill them with tap water, the two of us dancing around each other in strained silence.
‘Date went well then?’ she says just as I’m done.
I frown, turning to face her. ‘What?’
‘Your date with Haz the other night. I’m assuming that’s why you’re here.’ She stirs her coffee then tosses the spoon into the sink behind me. The loud clang makes me jump. ‘You wouldn’t be the first straight girl to buckle so don’t feel bad.’
I huff out a breath. ‘You don’t have a clue.’
‘Don’t want one. Just stay out of my face.’
‘Why? What’s your actual problem with me?’
‘If you don’t know then you don’t need to know.’
I shake my head. ‘Whatever.’
I try pushing past but she keeps me pinned against the sink.
‘Do me a favour,’ she says.
‘Absolutely not.’
‘Answer a question for me and I’ll let you go. Name of your childhood teddy, what was it?’
I tut at the water that spills on me from the glasses. If she couldn’t see the definition of my nipples before, she definitely can now. ‘You really have a thing for pushing me up against this sink. So… violent.’
Nic chuckles, low and dangerous. ‘You have no idea. Now answer me.’
‘You’re barking up the wrong tree if you’re after my security questions. I’m scholarship.’
‘I’m aware.’ She pins me harder, hip bones digging in painfully. ‘Answer me and I’ll let you go.’
‘If you don’t get off, I’m gonna scream for Haz.’
‘Go ahead.’ She gives a small smile. ‘Haz likes her girls screaming. Answer.’
I have no desire to tell this girl a thing, but my arms are aching from holding up the glasses of water and I frankly want this weirdness over with. It’s too bloody early. ‘Fine. I had an elephant called Mr Trunkles. Happy?’
She lets me go, the movement splashing more cold water and making me gasp.
‘Did I pass your secret test?’ I call as she leaves the kitchen.
‘With flying fucking colours.’