32. Jackson
THIRTY-TWO
JACKSON
Ice runs through my veins, and my panic skyrockets, fearing Aurora wants to be with Ethan— only Ethan.
She winces. “I need to work. I need to go to New York. Maybe elsewhere.”
They’re not the least desirable words, but close. She’s leaving me, and I doubt I’ll get her back. It’s a repeat of our breakup. Only this time, she’s pregnant and traveling across the country, and I’m sober, feeling everything.
Fuck that.
“No. No way.” I shake my head. “You can’t be serious. You’re not going to New York or Miami for weeks to months? What about the baby?”
Her brows furrow, and her caramel eyes plead for my understanding. “We’ll make it work.”
“With our schedule? When the fuck will I see you?”
I want to be with her. Every day. Every night. Why can’t she understand that?
She reaches out to me but hesitates and lays her hand on the seat between us. “We can fly to meet each other.”
Her trepidation only irritates me further.
My knee bounces, and I clench my jaw. “For how long? I just got you back.”
Three days. I’ve had three whole days with her.
“I don’t know, but I need this, Jax. I need something of my own.”
The walls are closing in. My body is vibrating. It’s as if I have a scream stuck inside me, and if I don’t let it out, I’ll explode.
So, I do. I scream at her. And I hate myself for it.
“You have us! Why is that not enough for you?” My voice is harsh and reverberates through the confined space.
Ethan meets my anger head-on, a threat in his glare. “Were you listening at all?”
But I’m too far gone to deal with his shit. “You can fuck off!”
Aurora flinches at my sharp tone, and Ethan puts his arm around her. Ricky hits the brakes, and I realize I’m making everyone nervous. Instead of it being a warning, I feel cornered.
Ethan’s expression hardens, eyes dark, jaw tense. “You better calm the fuck down and lower your tone, or I’ll beat the boy straight out of you. You’re only digging yourself into a hole.”
I know he’s right. Rage will get me nowhere.
My elbows hit my knees. Head in my hands, I grind the heels of my palms into my eyes until I see stars.
After a few deep breaths, I lean back and, with as much patience as I can muster, ask her, “Please come here?”
Without hesitation, she climbs into my lap, resting her cheek on my shoulder. We’re worlds apart, and I know what I need to do. It doesn’t matter that Ethan is next to us. Some of what I’m about to confess, I’ve told him during our therapy sessions.
With my voice low and arms wrapped around her, I say the words I’ve run through my mind hundreds of times.
“I’ve thought a lot about us and still can’t place where my regret begins. Maybe as early as the day we met, and I brought you into my fucked-up world thinking I could lead a double life. Either way, there’s nothing I regret more than hurting you.” Tears blur my vision, and I blink them away. “I never recovered from the night Emily took you to Kyle’s party, intending to show you who I truly was. That’s no excuse, though. I ended up harming you, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
Bile rises in my throat. Emily’s plan sure as fuck worked, but the ricochet was severe.
“I should’ve stopped then, but the shame was unbearable. I made promises I couldn’t keep and only worked harder to hide my addiction. I was in denial and barely functioning, and you never abandoned me.” Agony splinters through me. “I was killing you, Aurora. When I left and told you to stay, I meant it. You deserved it. I was the problem.” My head spins, and I breathe through it. “I never intended to return. I got your messages and calls. I watched on the door cam as Emily helped you move out. I didn’t spend that time with anyone. I spent it alone in Kyle’s pool house, where I knew no one would search for me.” I swallow the painful lump in my throat. “Trying hard not to wake up.”
Her heart pounds against mine. She tries to lift her head, but I embrace her tighter.
“Let me finish. Okay?”
She weaves her fingers through my hair, always comforting me.
“I emailed my lawyer to give you everything. He must have contacted Kyle, because the next thing I remember is fighting him, LAPD, and EMS, and then waking in UCLA Medical. By the time my seventy-two-hour hold was lifted, you had blocked me, and I knew I needed to leave you alone.”
She trembles in my arms, and her body racks with quiet sobs—my sweet girl.
What I can’t tell her, or anyone, is that after I was in the hospital, Kyle was up my ass worse than ever, worried he’d lose his paycheck. My mental instability and addiction made it easier for him to control me, and I wasn’t bringing Aurora back into that.
I only broke my vow to distance myself when I saw her with Ethan, and I had been drinking. Through it all, I never stopped. Why would I? My life was more miserable than ever.
Until Ethan.
Until he restructured the team, put Kyle in his place, and gave me hope.
Now, it’s all being ripped away from me. Again. “My life is empty without you. I understand what you need and want to give it to you, but I don’t know how without losing my fucking mind.”
She stays silent and, lost in thought, I watch the city go by.
Her fingernails graze my scalp. “It’s golden,” she plays with my hair and mumbles.
She hums the lyrics, “All of you, all of me, intertwined,” a song more about her than me. It’s everything she is to me, and I shut my eyes and focus on her soft voice. “Daylight, daylight, daylight,” she sings.
My rigid muscles relax, and I can breathe easy again. I’m no longer drowning.
When she speaks, she doesn’t mention my confession or my meltdown. One thing I love about Aurora is her big heart. Believe me, I know I don’t deserve it.
“What if you were more involved? Come home with me. Meet with my agent. I’m sure she knows I’m pregnant by now. She’s called several times. Be there with me. We planned to do this fake dating charade anyhow.”
I steer clear of situations and places I can’t control, especially when it comes to Aurora. That aspect of me remains unchanged; I’ve simply discovered more effective strategies.
Exhibit A: The house and penthouse I purchased to corral her into a living environment dependent on me. Again.
Exhibit B: The bodyguard I hired to oversee any other area of Aurora’s life I’m not privy to. I’ve also done something similar in the past without Aurora knowing
Yeah, I’ve yet to learn some lessons—perhaps never will—and her letting me have a say in her career gives me the sense of control I need right now.
Because I don’t have a choice. She’s going to New York either way.
“Fine, but Ricky goes with you, and you agree to move into the Santa Monica house.”
Sitting up, she cocks her head to the side, her gaze twinkling with mischief. “What bedroom do I get?”
Her sinful eyes and smile drag me out of my dark mood. “Whichever one I’m in.”
Of course, Ethan has to chime in. “I hope you plan on getting a bigger bed.”
“I hope you plan on seeing a lot of my dick.”