9. So this is what disappointment feels like.
Chapter 9
So this is what disappointment feels like.
Amelia
“ Y ou smell like sex?” Nova blurts out as soon as I shut the car door behind me. Hadley crawled into the back seat so I could take the front.
I glare at Nova. She’s always had a tendency to say what’s on her mind, whether it’s appropriate or not. It’s a quality that I normally love about her, but right now, I don’t need it.
Hadley reaches forward from the back seat and slaps Nova on the shoulder. “Not the time, lady.”
“What?” Nova looks confused. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Oh, my God,” I sigh and drop my head back on the seat. “I thought you came to get me out of here, not drill me about how I smell?”
Nova tosses her hands in the air in exasperation. “Fine. Deny me the juicy details. See if I care.”
“Nova!” Hadley yells, and I snap my head around in surprise. She rarely raises her voice to anyone, least of all to us. “We’re here to support Lia, not probe her about her sex life.”
“But sex talk is fun.” Nova waggles her brows. “Especially when it’s forbidden.”
“We’re not talking about my sex life at the moment.” I groan and drop my face into my hands to stifle a scream. Now I’m the one that’s exasperated. “Will you just drive?”
“Buckle up!” Nova says as she tosses the car in reverse.
I grab my seatbelt. I got in the car so quickly I didn’t even realize I hadn’t put it on yet.
“So, how did your brothers take the news?” Hadley asks.
I snort. “Let’s just say I’m surprised Christian is still alive. Me too, for that matter.”
“Sounds about right,” Nova says. “Didn’t look like Christian had a black eye or busted lip as he was walking away from your car, though.”
“My brothers may not be the smartest men in town, but they’re not that stupid. They weren’t going to touch him with half the town watching and all seven Mutter men present. Not if they wanted to walk out of there in one piece.”
“Forget about your brothers,” Hadley says with a hint of excitement in her tone. “I want to know how Christian responded.”
I let out a puff of air and stare out the window. It’s dark and I can’t make out much more than the shadow between the buildings. But I stare at the darkness all the same. How do I answer that question?
Christian clearly freaked out over my confession of love. Almost as much as he freaked out over me being pregnant. Despite that, he defended me like I was the most important thing in the world to him. He also fucked me like that too. It leaves me even more confused than I’ve ever been before where he’s concerned.
“His reaction was not ideal,” I finally say.
“Did the sex come before or after the pregnancy bomb went off?” Nova asks.
Hadley tsks . “Why does that matter?”
“It matters a whole hell of a lot.” Nova insists. “So, which was it?”
I sigh. “It was after. He followed me to my car and we … you know.”
“Did the nasty where anyone could see?” Nova’s smile is so wide it causes her eyes to crinkle. “You’re a closeted bad girl. I love it!”
“Will you just make your point?” I glare at her.
“So impatient tonight.” Nova turns at the red light that will lead us away from town and toward the highway. “My point is, if he fucked you after the bomb exploded, then he couldn’t have reacted that poorly.”
“Will you stop referring to my pregnancy as a bomb?”
“Hey!” Nova looks offended by my comment. “It’s the news I’m calling a bomb.”
“Well, stop that too. I’m not in the mood for humor tonight.”
“Okay.” Nova tosses one of her hands up in surrender. “Forgive me for trying to lighten the situation.”
“Thank you,” I mumble and sink back into my seat. I’m emotionally drained and still feeling nauseous.
God, what I wouldn’t do to curl up under my covers and bury my head in my pillows. That sounds absolutely divine right now. But home is the last place I can go. I’m sure my brothers have already told our parents about the news. Hell, their phone is probably ringing off the hook with people hoping to be the first to tell them the gossip or offer their condolences.
Condolences . I shake my head and roll my eyes. What a stupid way to feel about a pregnancy. This should be joyous and exciting news for us to share. Instead, I feel publicly humiliated and shamed for entering a relationship with Christian. The last thing I feel when I think of him is shame. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s mine.
I glance out the window just as we pass Koch’s Pit Stop. “Where are we going?”
Nova shrugs. “Nowhere in particular. Cruising the backroads, maybe. Just driving until you tell us what you need.”
“What I need is a reality check.” I sink back into the seat and sigh. “How could I be so stupid?”
“Honey,” Hadley squeezes my shoulder. “You’re not stupid. Why would you even say such a thing?”
“Oh, I’m stupid alright. Only an idiot would let herself fall in love with Christian Mutter and announce it to the entire town.”
Nova slams on her brakes and we skid to a stop on the gravel road she turned onto. “Wait a minute.” She holds up her hand. “Did you tell him you loved him?”
I nod. “It just came out when my brothers were yelling and threatening to hurt him. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
“Well, not much you can do about that now,” Nova says. “Did Christian return the sentiment?”
I shake my head. “He went really quiet and turned almost white like he had just been delivered the worst news in the world.”
“Well, shit.” Nova slams her hand on the steering wheel.
“Maybe you caught him off guard, is all.” Hadley reassures. “A lot was going on. And we all know he doesn’t think very highly of himself. He probably didn’t think a woman like you could ever fall in love with a man like him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I turn and glare at Hadley. “I thought you were on my side?”
“I am, and that’s not what I meant. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him.” She quickly adds. “It’s just what I think he would think about himself. And let’s not forget that you two are the least likely couple imaginable. A recovering addict and the town’s pride and joy. Come on, Lia. Even you have to admit that’s an unexpected pairing.”
“I am not the town’s pride and joy.” I scoff.
They both snort.
“Sure, whatever you say Lia.” Nova chuckles.
“It’s true. I’m just likable. That’s all.” I stare out the window, unable to look at either of my friends. “Besides, it doesn’t matter now. Everyone is going to judge me and say Christian is going to leave me. From the way he looked, they might be right.”
“You don’t know that,” Hadley says. She’s always the optimist in our group. I love that about her, but this time I don’t know if she’s right. “He’s a man. They always take longer to adjust to change than us. Give him time. He’ll come around.”
“Hads, you didn’t see his face when I said it. He looked worse than when I told him I was pregnant.”
“Honey, this is a lot for him.” Hadley reaches around the seat and hugs me as best as she can from the back seat. “Any man in Christian’s situation would struggle with this news. But he’s got a lot more trauma in his past. It could take him longer. You’re going to have to be patient.”
I pat her arms and lean into her embrace. “I hope you’re right. I really do.”
“Of course I’m right.” Hadley gives me a big grin that looks far too fake. “He wouldn’t have followed you to your car and, you know—”
“Fucked her for the world to see,” Nova supplies.
“Do you have to be so vulgar all the time?” Hadley asks.
“Yep.” Nova smiles. “It’s part of my charm and why you two love me.”
I playfully punch her arm and smile. “You’re not wrong.”
“So, where to?” Nova asks. “Do I keep driving around, or are you ready to face the parents?”
“Oh God,” I groan. “My parents are probably freaking out. And I hate to think of what my brothers have told them.”
“You can stay with me if you prefer.” Nova offers. “I’ve got a room for you.”
I reach over and squeeze her hand. She may act tough and crude most of the time, but she’s got a huge heart. “I know, but I think I need to go home. I’m gonna have to face my parents eventually. Might as well get it over with tonight.”
“To your car? Or straight to Mom and Dad’s?” she asks.
“I’ll worry about my car later. Depending on how this goes, I may be too upset to drive.”
Nova drives us around for another thirty minutes before she pulls up to my parents’ house. We didn’t talk much. That’s what’s great about our friendship. Talking isn’t always required. Just being present for each other is enough.
“Do you want us to come in with you?” Hadley asks after Nova puts the car in park. It looks like every light is on inside the house. I can see several shadows pacing in front of the bay window on the front. If I had to guess, it’s Dad and Linden. Maybe even Tanner. If Jason and Aaron are here too, they’re probably sitting to the side watching the chaos unfold.
If I know Mom, she’s got her face buried in a pillow, crying. She always cries when things don’t go her way, or she thinks something is a tragedy. And me getting knocked up by a Mutter is definitely a tragedy by my family’s standards.
“Yes, definitely yes,” I say. “There’s no way I can face this alone.”
“We got you,” Nova says as she opens her door. “Let’s go see how the Mom and Dad are doing. Maybe even cause some trouble.”
I can’t help but laugh at her. She always handles tough situations with a heavy dose of sarcasm.
“Yes, let’s!” Hadley claps and bounces on her heels as I get out of the car. She’s way too excited, given the circumstances.
“Alright.” I take each of their arms and we walk linked together toward the front door. We pause just outside and listen to the loud voices coming from inside. They’re debating my future without me. It’s laughable that they think they have a say in what I do about this pregnancy.
I take a deep breath and reach for the doorknob. “Family, do your worst.”
As soon as I open the door, silence falls. Dad and Linden glare at me. Jason has a smirk on his face and Aaron looks bored. Mom stares at me in disbelief, then she sobs. From the way she sounds, you’d think one of her kids died.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Dad yells.
I force a smile and meet my dad’s angry glare. “Hi Dad.”
“Don’t hi Dad me, young lady.” He growls. “I can’t believe you’d do something like this to us. You’re an embarrassment to this entire family.”
“Oh, why don’t you tell me how you really feel?” I say with way more sarcasm than he’s used to hearing from me.
His words shouldn’t surprise me, but they do. He’s irrational and talking out of anger and hurt. But knowing that doesn’t change how his words cut.
“Just tell us this is some huge misunderstanding.” He demands. “You can’t be pregnant by that … that … God, I don’t even know what to call him. He’s the worst of those Mutter trash.”
“He’s not trash. None of them are!” I yell back. I never yell at my parents, and it causes my dad to take a step back.
He furrows his brows and growls. “What’s gotten into you? The Mutters are our enemies.”
“No, they aren’t. They’re good people just like you guys when you don’t have your heads stuck up your asses.”
Mom and Hadley gasp. Nova chuckles and squeezes my arm as if to say she’s proud of me. Linden, Tanner, and Dad stare at me like I grew two extra heads, and Mom cries out like she’s in pain.
Jason is silently laughing from his corner of the room, and Aaron is staring at me with raised brows. He’s trying hard to keep his expression neutral, but I think he’s hiding a smile.
At least two of my brothers don’t appear to hate me.
“Young lady, you’re not too old—”
“I’m not a young lady, Dad. I’m twenty-nine years old. I can make my own decisions, and I don’t care if you like them. This is my life.” I stomp my foot, punctuating my point.
“Where … where did we … go wrong?” Mom asks through several sobs.
I roll my eyes and sigh. “Don’t be so dramatic. You should be excited. You’ve been saying you want grandkids for years.”
This only makes her cry harder.
“Not Mutter grandkids,” Dad says. “Why couldn’t you have found yourself a good man? Someone like Badger. That man wants nothing more than to be your husband. Now that’s a smart match.”
Just the mention of Badger’s name has my body shaking. I hate that my family can’t see him for what he really is. Then again, that’s partly my fault for never telling them what he did, and still tries to do to me.
I take a deep breath and look my dad in the eyes. “Badger is not a good man. I hate him.”
“He is too!” Dad yells.
“Don’t talk about my friend like that.” Linden steps toward me and points his finger in my face. His expression is feral. “He’d give you a good life. Still will, even with this monstrosity growing inside you.”
I pull myself free from the security of my friends and get in Linden’s face. “I will die before I have a life with Badger. I. Hate. Him. And don’t you dare ever refer to your future niece or nephew as a monstrosity. Do you hear me?”
Linden stares at me in shock. I can’t blame him. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to any of them like this before. “Why do you hate him so much?”
His question surprises me. Not once has he ever asked me why I dislike Badger. He’s only ever pushed him on me like he’s the prize husband in three counties.
“He’s a piece of shit who doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.”
“That’s enough!” Dad stomps his foot in anger. “I will not listen to you bad mouth good people while you go behind our backs and sleep with trash like Christian Mutter. He’s a drug addict, Lia.”
“ Recovering addict, and you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I don’t wait for a response. I run upstairs to my room to grab some of my belongings and get the hell out of here. I can’t stay in this house as long as they’re this angry with me. It’ll be far too stressful.
“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you,” Dad yells as he follows me upstairs.
“You’re not talking, Dad. You’re yelling and ordering me around like I’m a toddler without a brain.”
“Well, you’re acting like one.”
I spin around and face him, tossing my balled-up fists in the air out of frustration. I really want to hit something, but I know that won’t solve anything. “Do you hear yourself? I knew you’d be furious about this, but come on. You know me better than that.”
“I’m beginning to think we don’t know you at all.” He sounds angry and hurt at the same time.
I open my mouth to yell at him, but snap it shut just as quickly. There’s no use defending myself against him right now. He won’t hear reason until he’s had time to process this. And who knows how long that will take? Instead, I grab my suitcase from the closet and start tossing my clothes in it.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He grabs my suitcase and pulls it out of my reach.
Growling, I pull my suitcase back and move it out of his reach. “I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.”
“You’re going to stay right here!” He points at the ground like that will somehow glue me to this spot. “You will not be moving in with that man.”
That command makes me laugh. I square my shoulders and rest my hands on my hips as I address him. “You should know that Grams is excited about this baby. She didn’t seem to care one bit that I’m a Koch. You could learn a thing or two from her.”
“I don’t give a damn how that woman reacted. You’re my daughter and you will not live with those people.”
“I’ll live wherever the hell I please!”
“No!” He shakes his head and waves his arms in front of him in an X motion like that will somehow make all the difference.
I start to respond but Nova speaks first. “She’s staying with me.”
“The hell she is,” Dad barks. “She’s staying right here where we can keep an eye on her.”
“No, I’m not.” I look at my dad like he’s crazy. “I’m not a dog that you can lock up because you don’t like my behavior. It’s best we all get some space from each other until the shock wears off.”
“The shock will never wear off,” Dad says, much softer than before. When I look at him, there are tears forming in his eyes. “I can’t have a grandbaby that’s a Mutter. This cannot come to fruition.”
I chuckle and go back to packing up my clothes. “Too late, Dad. I’m already knocked up. Christian is the father, and we’re keeping the baby. This is happening whether you like it or not.”