13. Family is a state of mind.
Chapter 13
Family is a state of mind.
Amelia
M y eyes slowly open as the morning sun peaks through the slots on the blinds. I roll over and stare up at the ceiling. It’s been a week since Christian returned, and in that time, I’ve moved into the homestead with him while he’s having the cabin renovated and expanded.
It’s a huge project and it’ll take several months to complete, but Christian isn’t wasting any time getting it done. He says he’s ready to create a home for us and our baby. He wants it ready long before our little nugget is born.
We agreed on a design for a new home, and he immediately lined up a contractor to get it started. The land around the cabin has already been cleared and the expanded foundation is poured. The walls started going up two days ago.
The whole thing makes me excited and nervous. I want this life with Christian, but the nagging voice in the back of my head keeps telling me he’s not ready for all of this.
He’s told me he wants me. That he needs me. That he doesn’t want to lose me. But he still hasn’t told me that he loves me. His actions say he loves me—at least I think they do—but the words have still never exited his lips.
I keep telling myself that actions speak louder than words, but doubt keeps creeping in.
It also doesn’t help that my family is still being difficult. Mom is trying, though she can’t keep her opinions about Christian to herself. Dad still hasn’t spoken to me. When I stopped by the house to get some of my things, he snuck out the back door and hid in the garage the entire time.
Linden and Tanner, however, are determined to make my life a living hell. They come by the flower shop every couple of days just to give me shit. They always bring Badger with them too. Christian would lose it if he knew.
Aaron and Jason are supportive. They’re confused by the whole thing, but they love me and want me to be happy. Even if it is with a Mutter.
Jason took me to lunch a couple of days ago. He did it to make me feel better about how the family is acting, but it ended up making me feel worse. I could care less about how my brothers feel—they’ll get over it—but I hate that this is taking such a toll on Mom and Dad.
I’ve taken care of them for so long, it feels weird not helping them now. Jason assured me he’s got everything covered, but that does nothing to ease the guilt I’m carrying.
I let out a deep sigh and toss the covers back. It’s way past time for me to get out of bed.
Even though it’s Sunday, Christian’s working on a custom build this morning. He said he only needed a few hours to get it completed. He’s behind on work after being gone for so long.
The flower shop is closed today, but I need to run in and wrap up the inventory before we run out of supplies. I got most of it done yesterday, but I still have a few things to finish.
But first, I need food and a shower.
I glance around his room before heading over to the closet. It’s small and sparse, but very clean. Christian doesn’t have much in here besides his clothes. No décor and only the bare minimum of furniture. A bed, one small dresser, and a round table that serves as a nightstand. The closet is mostly empty too. All my clothes will fit in there fine.
Long term, this room would never do for us. Maybe if I fixed it up a bit and made it less depressing, it wouldn’t be so bad. But Christian insists we won’t be here that long. He wants me to focus my energy on making the cabin a home.
After tossing on a pair of sweatpants, I head downstairs. The house is quiet except for the sound of Grams cooking in the kitchen. She’s always cooking. Her grandsons do a lot to help and keep the house in order, but she’s always in the kitchen making something. It leaves me feeling guilty for adding more work to her plate.
Grams gives me a huge smile when I step into view. “I was wondering when I’d see you this morning. Just made a fresh pot of coffee and warm biscuits are on the table. Would you like some eggs?”
“Thank you, but you don’t have to cook for me. I can make my own eggs.”
“I don’t mind.” She beams.
“You already do too much.” I insist but she ignores me. She waves me off and cracks two eggs before I can even take another step into the kitchen.
“Nonsense. Sit. Scrambled with cheese? Is that right?” She grabs an old cast-iron skillet and turns on the burner before I can even get my next words out.
“No use arguing with her,” a familiar deep voice says from the table. I jump because I didn’t realize anyone else was there.
I stare at Chase. He sounds so much like his twin, it’s eerie. Being identical twins, many people find it impossible to tell them apart aside from how they dress. Not for me, though. Their physical differences are apparent to me.
Their eyes are not the same. They’re the same color and shape, but the look within them is drastically different. Same with their mouth. Chase almost always has a hint of laughter behind his eyes and lips. Not Christian. There’s hardly ever any laughter in his expression.
“Good morning,” I say before I head over to the coffee pot and make myself the one cup that I’m allowed. My body is still adjusting to the decrease in caffeine, but if I drink too much, I get severe heartburn. And by too much, I mean more than one cup of coffee.
“You sleep okay?” Chase asks.
I feel his eyes on me as I sit down opposite him at the table. None of Christian’s brothers have been mean or treated me like I’m not welcome here, but that doesn’t make it any less awkward.
I take a sip of my coffee before answering him. “Yeah. Still adjusting to the change.”
He nods while he chews and swallows the bite of food in his mouth. “I’m sure all this is just as weird for you as it is for us.”
I snort and lift my hand, holding my fingers millimeters apart. “A lil’ bit.”
“You’re brave. I’ll give you that.” He shakes his head before taking a sip of his orange juice. His words are kind enough, but I sense he’s not all that happy with me being here. Or maybe he’s not happy with Christian. Either way, I fear this conversation is taking a turn in a direction I’d rather avoid.
He leans forward on his elbows and narrows his gaze like he’s getting ready to inspect me. Yep, my gut instincts are correct.
Refusing to give into his intimation tactics—at least I assume he’s trying to intimidate me—I hold my gaze on his, waiting for him to speak. This is the kind of bullshit my brothers would do.
After several uncomfortable beats, he finally speaks. “How long have you known he’s owned that cabin?”
His question causes my pulse to speed up. No one in Christian’s family knew about the cabin until now. They expressed a wide range of emotions when Christian told them we’d be moving out there as soon as some of the renovations were done.
My instincts are to tell him it doesn’t matter, but I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with anyone in Christian’s family if I can help it. It’s hard enough dealing with the rejection from my family. I don’t want it from his family either.
“Um, I guess about two years,” I admit. “We’ve spent a lot of time out there ever since we started dating.”
“Dating?” His expression turns to confusion. “Is that what you call it?”
I jerk back and furrow my brows. I don’t like his tone or what he’s insinuating. It puts me on the defensive. “Yes, dating. Just because we kept it a secret doesn’t make it any less real.”
Chase opens his mouth to speak, but he’s cut off by Grams before he gets his words out. “Don’t pay any attention to him. He’s just jealous you knew something about his twin that he didn’t know.”
She sets a plate of eggs in front of me and my stomach growls. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until smelling this food. Thank goodness it’s not making my stomach turn. I never know what food will agree with me anymore.
Chase sits back in his chair and sighs. I focus on my food and do my best to ignore him, but I feel him watching me. Studying my every move.
“Grams is right,” he admits. “Christian has never kept a secret from me before. Even when he was using, he was honest with me. I’m jealous you knew something about him that I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” I say even though I have nothing to be sorry about. Old habits, I guess. “I’m sure he had his reasons.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” He goes back to eating his breakfast as if he’s done with conversation. I take that as my cue that it’s safe to eat my breakfast. But before I can take one bite, he continues. “Can’t be easy living with the enemy, though.”
I furrow my brows. “I’ve never seen you guys as enemies. I don’t care about the feud.”
He raises his brow and for the first time since I sat down, one of his typical charming smirks lifts his lips. “Maybe not, but your family sure as hell does.”
“Yeah, well.” I point my fork at him before I stab a few pieces of egg with it. “No one ever said my family was smart.”
Grams takes a seat at the head of the table. “Fear will make people do and say stupid shit. Give ’em time.”
“Have you met my brothers?” I deadpan. “We could give them a century and I still don’t know if it would make a bit of difference.”
Grams chuckles, and then reaches across the table to pat my hand. “No matter what happens. From this point on, you will always be family to us. Family isn’t about blood. It’s a state of mind. A connection. And you, my dear, will always have that with us.”
Tears well up in my eyes and I drop my face, hoping neither of them sees her words are about to make me cry. I never imagined Christian’s family would welcome me so easily and readily. It makes me even more sad that my family is struggling so much with this. Hopefully, the day will come when my parents can accept Christian even half as much as his family has accepted me.
I clear my throat and take a sip of my coffee before I speak. “Thanks. That means so much to me.”
“Of course, dear.” The smile on Grams’s face suggests she knows exactly what I’m thinking. “Now eat. Those eggs won’t be nearly as good cold.”
After finishing up the inventory, I stop at a grocery store in Waverly rather than shop at the small one in Beaver. I’m not in the mood to deal with a store where everyone knows my business almost before I know it myself.
Waverly is a small city, but it provides enough of a buffer from Beaver that not everyone knows who I am. And if I am recognized, it’s usually because of the flower shop and not the ridiculous feud that has made my family insane.
Besides, I’m excited to shop for ingredients to cook dinner tonight. I don’t want anything to spoil my good mood.
It took some convincing, but I arranged to make dinner tonight for the Mutters. Grams argued with me on that point for several minutes before I finally convinced her to let me contribute. She only gave into my request when I agreed to let her bake something for dessert.
It took me forever to settle on what to make. Grams is such an amazing cook, and I want to please her. It’s silly, but I don’t want to give her any reason to think less of me or my family. Overcoming the feud is a hard enough battle. I don’t need other faults added to it.
It’s a well-known fact that my mom is also a great cook and baker, but she’s never been able to beat Grams in any of the local baking contests. Grams is a tough cookie to beat.
I’ve always loved to cook alongside Mom, but I’ve never joined any of those contests. I’m not a very competitive person. Plus, I’m not as good as my mom, but if I practiced more, I think I could be.
I decide to keep the menu simple and stick to something I do really well—fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and a mixed green salad. It’s my family’s favorite meal, so I’m hoping the Mutters like it just as much.
Now I just have to decide how much chicken to buy. There’s twice as many Mutters as there are Kochs. Especially when I add in the girlfriends. Grams assured me everyone would be there since it’s Sunday, so be prepared to cook a lot.
Assuming the Mutter men eat like my brothers, I double up on the chicken. Better safe than sorry. If they don’t eat it all, I’m sure someone will eat the leftovers for lunch.
Now to decide on how much produce to buy. I head in that direction when a hand reaches out and grabs my cart. It surprises me and I jerk to a stop. When I look up, I groan.
“Tanner.” My shoulders sag and I feel my good mood slipping away. “What are you doing here?”
The guilty look on his face says it all. He’s following me. He pulls his eyes off me and looks inside my cart. His guilt fades into a disgusted scowl. “What’s all this?”
I cross my arms over my chest, ready to stand my ground. “Chicken.”
His eyes snap to mine. “I see that, smartass. What’s it for?”
“What do you think it’s for?” I roll my eyes and continue pushing my cart. Maybe if I keep walking, he’ll get the hint.
“You cannot cook for them!” He demands.
I spin around and give him my best death glare. It must work because he rears back in surprise. “You don’t get to tell me what to do, Tanner. I’m a grown woman and am more than capable of making my own decisions.”
“Clearly not!” He yells, and it draws the attention of several other shoppers.
“Lower your voice.” I hiss.
He steps closer to me and leans down. I think it’s because he’s actually going to lower his voice, but he doesn’t. “You need to come home where you belong? Dad is sick with worry.”
I snort. “Yeah, he’s so worried he won’t even talk to me.” I shove my brother back to pass him, but he doesn’t budge. “Move!”
“Not until you see reason. This is killing our family.”
“Don’t be so dramatic. No one is dying.” I force my way past him. I don’t need or want to listen to this kind of talk. My family is going to have to come around at some point. They can’t shut me out forever.
“We had to take dad to the doctor yesterday,” he calls after me. “We thought he was having a heart attack.”
I spin around. “What?”
His expression shifts to something much more reasonable and human. He actually looks worried. “Yeah, it scared all of us.”
“Is he okay?” I press my hand to my chest. My heart rate increases, and my lungs feel tight.
“Hey, you found her,” Jason says as he walks up to us. “I guess I went in the wrong direction.”
“Yeah, I found her,” Tanner grumbles. Then he pushes my cart in disgust. “Caught her buying groceries to feed the enemy.”
Ignoring Tanner, I grab Jason’s arm and pull him closer. “Is Dad okay?”
He furrows his brow. “He’s fine. Why?”
“Tanner said you all thought he was having a heart attack yesterday.” I struggle to keep my voice calm. If my dad is sick, I need to know. He’s not perfect, but he’s still my dad and I love him.
Jason drops his head and rubs his forehead before he turns an annoyed glare at Tanner. “You’re a real asshole, you know that.” Then he turns to me. His expression is much softer. “Dad is fine. Aaron came over and checked him out. He had a panic attack. That’s all.”
My worry immediately shifts to anger. I reach out and bang my fist against Tanner’s chest. “Oh, my God. You asshole. I can’t believe you did that. That’s a new low, even for you.”
“What? I didn’t lie.” He doesn’t show the least bit of remorse. “We thought it was a heart attack, and he saw a doctor. That’s what I told you.”
“You’re unbelievable.” I grab my cart and practically run toward the produce. Unfortunately, they follow me.
“Lia, please!” Tanner calls out. He rushes past me and blocks my cart. “Why him? Of all the people you could date. Why did it have to be him?”
“I’m not explaining myself to you.” I shove my cart forward, but he grabs it with his hands and holds it still.
“Please.” His eyes are filled with pain. Out of all my brothers, he’s the one that hates Christian the most. They were in the same grade in school and always gave each other the most shit about the feud. It also doesn’t help that Christian is the one with the most troubled past.
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “It’s not like I set out to fall in love with a Mutter. It just happened.”
“But how?” He demands. “Did he approach you? Or was it the other way around? I don’t understand how you two could even connect.”
Anxiety fills me as the memory of that dreadful night rushes to the front of my mind. The horrible night that bonded me to Christian Mutter forever. My breathing turns shallow, and I feel my legs tremble. The world around me spins as darkness consumes me.
The next thing I know, Jason has his arms wrapped around me and my face is buried in his chest. “Breathe, Lia. Just Breathe.”
He takes in slow, even breaths. I clear my mind and focus on that, doing my best to match his breathing. It takes me a few minutes, but once I get it under control, my head clears.
“I’m fine.” I pat his chest and pull back. “Just got dizzy.”
He frowns. “Is it the baby?”
The worried look on his face makes me smile. “No, just the stress from my unsupportive family.” When I look at Tanner, my smile fades. “If you don’t mind, I have more shopping to do.”
“You sure you’re okay?” Jason asks again.
I nod. “Promise.” Then I point at Tanner. “Can you get this one out of here so I can finish? I’m going to run out of time if I don’t get back soon.”
Jason stares at me for a moment like he doesn’t want to comply. My fainting spell has him worried. I have to give Tanner credit too. Even he looks worried now. Whatever anger or hurt he showed a moment ago is gone.
“If you’re sure,” he says, clearly not wanting to leave me alone.
“Yes.” I give him a reassuring smile. “I just need to eat. I’m still adjusting to the pregnancy. That’s all.”
The lie slips out so easily, and I hope the stress of the situation hides the conflict on my face. I’m not a good liar and it often shows in my eyes.
“Okay.” Jason pulls me in for a tight hug and kisses the top of my head. “I’m here for you if you need anything. No judgement.”
“I know.” I hug him back. I needed this hug more than I realized.
“Love you, sis.” His words cause my eyes to sting with tears.
God, why can’t all my family be like this?
“Love you too.” My voice cracks as my emotions run away from me. This entire encounter has been too much. I squeeze my eyes closed and take a few deep breaths. Thankfully, that’s enough to stop the tears.
“Hey,” Tanner calls out. I look up and meet his gaze. He looks remorseful. “I just want to know how this happened. You’re telling us nothing.”
Before I can answer him, he turns and follows Jason out of the store.
Unfortunately, there’s not an easy answer to that question. I’d have to tell them what Badger did before they’d understand.
And that’s not a story I’m ready to tell.