Chapter 30
30
I walk out toward baggage claim, following the spread-out mass of people who just disembarked from my flight. My duffel and tote drag my tired shoulders down, feeling like thousand-pound weights. Coupled with the heavy thoughts I’ve been trapped with the last few hours; I trudge toward the crowd of people waiting to grab their bags and meet up with their loved ones. Scanning for Axel’s height and messy hair, I stand still, knowing he will find me faster and growing anxious the longer I don’t see him. When my frayed nerves hit their tipping point, I start walking around the large warehouse room, aimlessly, trying to find him in the scattered crowds of people.
The weight of my duffel bag suddenly disappears as someone lifts the strap and I whip around, ready to yell at whoever is touching my stuff, only to find Axel’s sad smiling face. I instantly relax seeing him, wrapping my arms around his waist and throwing myself against his chest. He drops my bag at our feet, wrapping me up in his arms and holding me tight. I sniff to try to clear the prickly feeling in my nose and throat, closing my eyes against the slowly pooling tears.
Axel’s cheek lands on the top of my head and he rubs a hand up and down my back. “I’m sorry, Blue. I wanted you here for break, but not like this.”
I nod, digging my fingers into the back of his shirt.
“I brought something that might help.”
I lean back, looking up at him. He swipes his thumbs under my eyes, leaning down to kiss the tip of my nose quickly before pulling back entirely and turning to the side. Layla stands a few feet behind me, smiling.
I laugh, running over to her and hugging her around the waist. She hugs me back, laughing for a second as we sway from the impact. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you’re seeing my brother.”
I pull back fast, looking at her smiling face for a second before turning my head to look back at Axel.
He stands behind me, duffel now over his shoulder, and shrugs. “She overheard us on the phone. Pretty sure she would have figured it out when I showed up with you at the house.”
I turn back to Layla, chewing my lip. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It was really new, and we wanted to get more solid before we?—”
Layla pulls me back into a hug. “I know, Axel explained. I’m not mad. To be honest, I’m a little jealous you have two boyfriends.” She chuckles. “Don’t get how my idiot brother fits into things, but I'm happy if you’re happy.” She pulls back, placing her hands on my shoulders and looking me in the eye. “He told me about your mom and Christopher too. I’m so sorry she did that.”
I sniff. “She called me ungrateful. As if I haven’t gone along with everything she’s wanted me to in the last five years. I dated Christopher because she wanted me to!” Layla nods, squeezing my shoulders.
Axel’s hand lands on the small of my back. “Let’s go get in the car and you can fill us in on everything that happened.” I nod, taking his hand as Layla lets go of me and takes my tote bag from me. We walk out together, heading across the street to the pickup lot and get into Axel’s sedan.
As we’re pulling out of the lot, I start telling them about what happened when I got home. Axel’s hand stays on my knee, and I turn in my seat, looking at Layla in the back as I talk. Layla cuts in with disbelieving anger, but Axel just tightens and loosens his hand on my knee, not speaking once through the whole thing.
“And then I left. I just walked out and headed down the street, not really sure where I was going to go until you texted me.” I look at Axel and he glances over at me before looking back at the road.
“What a bitch,” Layla exclaims, arms crossed over her chest as she leans back against the middle seat disgruntled. “To not even listen to you after you said you were seeing someone else and that you didn’t want to be with Christopher. I can’t believe that’s the same Aunt Sandy who used to let us dress up in her clothes and steal cookies from Mom’s baking trays for us before dinner.” She shakes her head, and I look outside the car for the first time.
We’re still at least ten minutes from the Clifford’s house, but already I can recognize the streets around me, even under the dim streetlights. Things have changed, but the old is still there around the new. The road that leads down to my elementary school. The carwash Dad used to take us to every other weekend that had a huge gumball machine. The currently closed ice cream place right next to the park. I stare out the window, seeing it all again after so long. Seeing Dad around me again after so long. Axel’s hand starts to rub my knee and I realize tears have spilled down my cheeks again. Layla leans forward and puts her hand on my shoulder.
“I would see her everywhere too. Especially right after the accident. It was like every place we ever went held her ghost. It still hits me sometimes, remembering Mom’s laugh at Tina’s Diner or how mad she got outside Target that time we jumped into the puddle in our suede boots.” I laugh, swiping away more tears as I remember that trip. Mom had calmed her down, laughing at us and reminding Aunt Tati that they had sprayed them with water resistant stuff for precisely this reason.
“I still remember Uncle Levi the most at Tigerland up the road,” Axel says, voice thick. “He and Dad would take me mini-golfing and we would play laser tag when you guys had your ‘girl's days.’” He smiles, still rubbing my leg.
We turn off the main road, into the residential area that starts my old neighborhood. I grip the door, realizing I'm going to have to come face to face with my old house. In the whole four-hour trip from Georgia to here, I never once thought about what I would feel staying at the Clifford’s and looking across the street to where my old life used to be. I thought about what Mom said, what I wish I had said to her, what I wish I had told her all these years, and what it would be like to see Uncle Jack again. If he would get mad at me for showing up out of the blue after five years of radio silence.
Axel turns down the street that his and my old house are on and the first thing I notice is the missing tree on the corner.
“It’s gone,” I whisper, head turning to look at the clear patch of grass with a stop sign at the corner.
“Yeah, they got rid of it after a big storm while we were in high school. A few branches fell down and blocked the road so after they cleared it up, Mr. Burgen had it removed,” Layla says, looking at the spot with me.
“So, kids just stand in the rain when they wait for the bus now?” That tree had sheltered us countless times from a deluge of water coming down in the early morning while we waited for the bus. Not to mention the snow. Mom or Aunt Tati usually would drive us if it was bad enough, but there were a few times I remember being huddled under there together, waiting in the cold dawn.
“I don’t think I've ever seen anyone out there when it rains. Parents probably drive them,” Axel says with a shrug.
We slow down, getting close to the house and then I see it. And I freeze. My old home. We turn the corner, Axel heading into the driveway, and I stare at it in the side mirror as he pulls up next to a silver van. The car stops and I keep staring, stuck for a moment as I stare at my past in the mirror.
Axel squeezes my knee. I turn to find him looking at me. “You okay?”
I nod, grabbing the door handle and getting out. Layla already has the trunk popped and I head back to help her carry my stuff in. Looking up at the Clifford’s house, I smile. Nothing has really changed with the facade. It still has copper red siding, black shutters and trim making it look unique from the white and beige houses lining the street. The same bushes and trees dot the front yard and walkway area, covered in a light dusting of snow. Uncle Jack must still spend his weekend mornings outside keeping everything clean and shoveled.
“Come on, Blue,” Axel says, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the door. He grips my duffel in the other hand and jogs up the steps, not even pausing as he opens the door and walks in. “Dad, we’re back.”
My heart starts to thump in my chest, feeling like it’s attacking my skeleton from the inside. Everything looks exactly the same. We walk in on the top floor, the house being built into a hillside. The open living room expands beyond the door, stairs leading down to the first floor on my left. The same white leather couch and matching loveseat sit in the same pattern around the wall-mounted TV on my right and past that, the sliding glass doors that lead out onto the dark wood second floor deck. I can see the backyard in the distance, sprawling out to meet the tree line of the wooded area behind the house.
And every inch of wall space is filled. Pictures upon pictures upon pictures crowd frames, some singular, some overlapping with multiple photos scrapbooked inside. My young face stands out in several, smiling at various locations with Layla, Axel, and Gwen all around in different patterns. Dad’s face hits me next, finding him in a lot of the adult group photos as well. Lastly, my eyes snag on all the photos of Mom and Aunt Tati, arms around each other every time as they take their traditional vacation photo in different locations. A lot have beaches in the background. One shows them both pregnant and laughing, a cabin in the woods the backdrop behind them. My eyes fly over the photos, getting caught up in the way I’ve seen all of them a million times, but this feels like the first time I've focused on each of them individually.
Layla walks in behind us, kind of shuffling the two of us forward as she shuts the door and toes off her shoes.
“Janette’s here?” Uncle Jack’s voice comes from downstairs. I hear shuffling and see Gwen jogging up the stairs, a big smile on her face. And then behind her, Uncle Jack appears, looking down at his feet as he races up just as fast.
Axel pulls me to the side, making room for his sister and father as they get to the top. Gwen races forward, snagging me in a tight hug that I return breathlessly. Uncle Jack makes eye contact with me over her shoulder and his eyes start to water behind his thick rimmed glasses.
“Oh, sweetie,” he whispers. “You’ve gotten so beautiful.”
Gwen releases me, stepping aside as Uncle Jack comes forward, pulling me against his chest and shaking as he hugs me. I breathe in his scent, burrowing my face in his shoulder as my own tears start up again as well. He always smelled like coffee and wintergreen mint, drinking several cups a day and then trying to throw off the scent by chewing gum.
Suddenly, I’m thirteen, hugging him in the hospital as we waited to find out if Mom would be okay in surgery while he grappled with the loss of his wife and best friend and suddenly becoming a single parent to three kids. While he grappled with being the one to walk away unscathed but changed forever all the same.
“I missed you,” I whisper. And then I’m talking too fast. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the funerals. I'm sorry I wasn’t here.”
“Shhhhh, it's okay. That wasn't your fault.” He runs his hand over the back of my head, holding me tight. “I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for you.”
I shake my head, pulling back. Gwen stands in my periphery, clutching her hands in front of her mouth and silently crying as she watches us. “How much do you know?” I ask, looking at her and Uncle Jack before turning to glance at Lay and Axel. Axel leans against the back of the couch, smiling warmly at the two of us while Layla leans against his side with a similar expression.
“They told us why you needed to come stay.” I turn back as Uncle Jack speaks. “When Sandra left with you, I figured she just needed time, but to hear that she’s still running from who she was…” He shakes his head, taking his glasses off to rub his eyes one handed. “I should have tried reaching out to her more.”
I shake my head. “She wouldn’t have responded. Probably would have blocked the calls or messages. She doesn’t talk about anything Maine, anything Dad. I was surprised she even let me apply to the Coast when I brought up the idea.”
He nods, a guilty look behind the smile he flashes. “Are you hungry? I was just prepping for tomorrow, but we have plenty to eat. Come on.” He waves me toward the stairs, starting to walk ahead. “Axel put her stuff in the guest room.” I look back at Axel, but he nods toward the stairs.
“I’ll be down in a sec, go on.” He heads toward the hallway leading to the bedrooms, and Layla hooks her arm in mine, towing me toward the stairs.
We eat some cheese and crackers, snacking while Layla preps her cobbler around Uncle Jack who asks me a million questions. Gwen makes mugs of rich hot chocolate and adds a bunch of marshmallows, just like her mom always did and I smile, answering everything asked.
“How are you liking school?”
“It’s fine.”
“How are you doing in your classes?”
“Good so far. Three As, an A-, and one B on my midterms.”
“What’s your major?”
“History. I want to go on after my undergrad to the fellowship program and get my master’s and then PhD with the six-year track.”
“Just like Levi and I did. So, you want to teach at a university someday?”
“Yeah.”
“Does your mom know that’s what you’re going to school for?”
“No, she didn’t really ask about school once she paid the application fee.”
He nods quietly to that, cutting up some carrots and tossing them into a bowl. “My parents and Tatiana’s mom and sister will be coming tomorrow. I hope you don’t mind?”
“Of course not,” I say quickly, putting my mug down after a fast sip. “I’m the one intruding here. You don’t have to make any adjustments to accommodate me.”
“You’re not intruding,” Axel says, squeezing the hand he holds between us on top of the table.
“Axel’s right,” Uncle Jack says, pointing his knife at me over the countertop. “You are welcome here whenever you need. That invitation will never be rescinded.” I smile, my heart warming at the words to match my hot chocolate filled stomach. “So, you and Axel?” He waves the knife at our joined hands before going back to chopping. “Can’t say I’m surprised. Axel did always seem to follow you around when you were kids. Always wanted to share his toys with you. And he hated sharing otherwise.” Layla snorts at his wording, covering it up with a coughing fit when Axel narrows his eyes at her. Uncle Jack pats her back with the hand not holding the knife.
“Okay, Dad.” Axel stands, collecting my empty mug with his. “I think Janette’s probably tired from all her travel. We should let her go to sleep, so she’s not exhausted for the circus tomorrow.”
“Of course. Sorry if we kept you up, sweetie. Go sleep. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” He ushers us toward the stairs, taking the mugs from Axel as we walk past.
Axel takes my hand and drags me toward the hall when we make it to the second floor. “Dad was very adamant about you sleeping in the guest room, but since that’s right next to my room, I figured I could sneak in later if you want?”
“Axel!” I hiss, whispering, “I am not having sex with you in a room that shares a wall with Uncle Jack’s!” We turn into the guest room, and I drop his hand to go to my duffel sitting on the nicely made bed.
Axel’s arms come around me from behind. “I just meant so I could hold you while we sleep. I don’t want to leave you alone tonight.” He kisses the side of my head. “Unless you want to be alone right now?”
I shake my head, pulling out my cotton pajama set. “No, I don’t want to be alone. I want you here as long as we don’t get in trouble.” I turn around in his arms. “Have you heard anything from Bent? I figured I didn’t hear anything because I was on the plane, but then nothing came through when I turned my phone back on.”
Axel shakes his head, pulling his phone out to check. “No, I haven’t heard anything either.” He bites his lip before glancing at me and throwing on a fake smile. “I’m sure he just forgot because he’s so busy catching up with his parents right now.”
My stomach turns and I run a hand through the ends of my hair, picking apart a few curls. “I’m going to look up his flight and make sure it made it okay.” He nods, moving to sit down on the edge of the bed beside my bag. “Does your family know about him and us?” I say absentmindedly as I google Bentley’s flight information.
“I told Layla after she overheard me on the phone. I didn’t tell Dad or Gwen though. Seemed like too much to try to explain on top of telling them you were on your way here and why.”
I nod, finding the information I need.
“His flight got in no problem. You must be right.” I toss my phone on the bed. “He’s just busy getting settled in,” I tell myself.
“He might not be calling because of the time difference? I sort of called him right after you called me and left a voicemail telling him everything you told me.” Axel rubs the back of his neck, looking up at me through his lashes guiltily.
I nod, moving in between his legs and letting my hands rest around his neck. “That’s okay. It would have been a lot to try to go over everything again, so I don’t mind.”
Axel nods, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around me. “How are you feeling?”
I shrug. “I think I’m feeling too much to really feel any of it at this point, you know? It’s been a long day and I’m just really tired now.” As if to prove my point, I yawn above him.
He nods, leaning up to kiss the side of my neck. “I think you should sleep then, and we’ll have a great day tomorrow stuffing our faces.” He pulls back, moving his hands to either side of my face. “And after that, when you’re ready, I think you should call your mom and tell her all the stuff you said in the car with Layla and me.” I purse my lips. “You deserve to tell her how you feel. And Lay and I will be right there next to you if you need us.” He stares up at me, eyes imploring. “I love you.”
I nod between his hands. “You’re right. I’ll try to call her in a couple days. I love you, too.” He pulls me down to kiss him, smiling under my lips.
“Let me get out of your way so you can sleep.” He gets up, moving his hands to my waist and looking down at me. “I’ll come back in an hour or so when Dad has gone to bed, but I'll be right next door if you need me, okay?” I nod, yawning a second time. He chuckles and kisses my forehead. “Goodnight, Blue.”
“Goodnight,” I say as he steps around me and heads out of the room, closing the door behind him with a wink.
I stand there for a minute, holding my PJs to my chest. Exhaustion settles into my bones, and I sluggishly drag my clothes off to change, knowing I’ll be asleep long before Axel comes back. Once I’m dressed, I toss my duffel on the ground, pulling back the covers at the same time. I check my phone one more time, opening my messages with Bentley to make sure I didn’t miss anything and feel a pang when the same messages I’ve read stare back at me. I decide to text him, adding a heart at the end before sending it.
Hope you had a good flight! Made it to Maine without issue. Have a great Thanksgiving
Shutting off my phone, I turn off the bedside light and lay down, hoping Bentley is just having too much fun to pay attention to his phone right now and ignoring the stab of nerves in my gut.