Chapter 32
32
F amily surrounds me and I sit quietly in the middle of it all, just taking in the feeling. Uncle Jack sits at the head of the makeshift table, made up of the Cliffords’ six-seater dining room table and a long folding table set at the end to extend the seating room. The folding table falls about an inch under the wooden table, leaving a little drop off in the middle underneath the mismatched tablecloths I helped Layla set up this morning to try to make it seem like one joined table. Bowls and trays of food cover every inch of the tables, our plates and glasses crowded in by the salt and pepper shakers, butter platter, gravy bowl, covered bowls filled with way too many Hawaiian rolls, and Axel’s hot sauce, which he has put on everything including the mashed potatoes.
I sip my glass of lemonade, hiding a smile in it as I laugh at Layla complaining that Axel cheated when he won the longer piece of the wishbone a few minutes ago. Their grandparents outright laugh across the table from us, and Uncle Jack tries to look stern at the head of the table, suppressing his own smile with a cough. Bentley shakes his head, hand holding mine in his lap as he leans back with another hand on his distended stomach. Gwen throws a roll at her brother when he starts telling Layla that she should have practiced all year like he did. Aunt Tati’s sister, Beth, sits beside her, leaning back and holding a glass of red wine.
Beth smiles happily at the twins, and I startle a little at how the fondness on her face reminds me of her sister. When I was younger, I thought she looked nothing like Aunt Tati. With her hair cropped short and dyed blonde as well as her shorter, slight frame, she looks almost like a complete opposite to the dark featured and willowy tall woman I grew up around. But as the day goes on, I've noticed little things that remind me of Aunt Tati. The way she holds the wine glass against her chest. The set of her mouth. The way she brushes her bangs off her forehead every now and then.
Her mother is the spitting image of an older Aunt Tati. I met her a few times when I was a kid, but she lived in Florida then, so they were rare occasions. Layla told me in an early email that she moved up to Maine after Aunt Tati died, wanting to be closer to them and help Uncle Jack. Her demeanor is the major difference between her and Aunt Tati, sitting quietly and only sharing comments here or there rather than feeding the energy of the room like Aunt Tati seemed to always do.
Axel’s arm lands across the back of my chair and he leans over to kiss my cheek. His grandmother practically has stars in her eyes, watching the gesture.
The three of us talked about what we were going to do today and if we were going to hide the fact that all of us were together in front of Axel’s extended family. No one, not even Axel, was sure what the right move was here, and it was Layla who overheard us and told us all we were being stupid debating it. She said if we were going to all be together there’s no point in hiding it now since everyone would find out in the long run and then rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.
So, we just decided to be how we always are. And it has been surprisingly easy to just act on what we naturally feel, sitting together at the table and sharing small touches here and there. And Beth and Axel’s grandparents have been nothing but nice to Bentley and me, Axel’s grandmother going so far as to tell us we all looked good together and swoon every time she caught a sweet moment between us.
Snow drifts to the ground through the window beyond the table, and the doorbell rings suddenly upstairs. We all turn to look up the staircase set into the middle of the room, the last step marking the separation line of the kitchen and dining room.
Uncle Jack stands up, wiping his hands on a napkin before heading toward the stairs. “This better not be another one of my son’s partners.”
Axel raises both his hands while we all chuckle. “I don’t have any more, I swear.”
His grandfather leans across the table to ask Bentley about what his plans are for after college, but I don’t hear anything after my ears pick up Uncle Jack’s voice.
“Sandra?” he says in disbelief.
“Hi, Jack,” my mother’s voice responds, sounding off. The tone is almost sheepish, but I can’t imagine the woman I lived with in Georgia ever sounding anything other than perfectly poised outside of our house. “Is Janette here?”
I get up, scraping my chair back in the process. Bentley and Axel each turn in their chairs to look up at me, the whole room suddenly quiet. Buzzing rings in my ears and I start to head toward the stairs without realizing I told my feet to move. Two chairs scrape on the floor behind me and I turn, finding both my guys at my back.
I shake my head. “I’ll be okay. Promise.”
Bentley nods, stepping back, but Axel grits his teeth, eyes on fire. Bentley puts a hand on his shoulder to hold him back and I nod to him, mouthing if I need you to him. He nods once, clenching and unclenching his fists.
I walk up the stairs, Mom seeing me past Uncle Jack when I'm halfway up. I hold her gaze, pulling on all the strength I know the guys would give me if I asked them to. She chews her lip, leather gloved hands pulling on the hem of her coat sleeves. I walk up next to Uncle Jack and start to pull my coat off the hanging rack next to the door. Uncle Jack places a hand on my shoulder and I turn toward him.
“You okay?” He looks right at me, my mother watching the two of us. I nod and he searches my face before patting my shoulder and turning back to Mom with a hard look. “Sandra,” he says with a single sharp nod before turning around and heading back downstairs.
I slide on a pair of boots, not even sure whose they are, stepping out of the house and onto the porch and shutting the door. Mom steps back to put more room between us, still watching me carefully. Folding my arms to keep myself warm I squint at her in the sunny glare off the piling snow. “What are you doing here, Mom?”
She sighs, wringing her hands together in front of her. “I wanted to come talk to you. I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened yesterday.”
I glance behind her, seeing our old house across the street and feeling a sharp pang in my chest. “Yesterday was a long time coming. Five years in the making really.” Mom flinches, looking down at her shoes and nodding.
“I know,” she whispers. “I realized that today.”
A long pause wanes on between us before she takes a deep breath.
“I wanted to come talk to you, try to explain some things and apologize for others.” She glances back at the house, bottom lip starting to tremble. The pang in my chest starts to throb as she continues. “I never meant to cut you out, Janette.” Mom looks back at me, eyes shining. “When your dad…when they…” Closing her eyes, she takes another deep breath, shaking out her shoulders.
I squeeze my hands together.
“After the accident, when I woke up in the hospital, and they told me what happened, I fell apart. It felt like I couldn’t stop, like I would always be breaking over and over again. And then eventually I went numb.”
She closes her eyes, leaning against the porch rail before turning and staring at our old house once again. I turn to face it as well, finally letting myself take in the facade. The paint looks fresh, the blue door I remember replaced by a dark black metal one.
I can barely see it as it is now around the memories flashing across the outside though.
Dad mowing the lawn every Sunday morning. Layla and Axel and I having a snowball fight in the yard while the adults shovel the driveway. Mom making chalk drawings on the sidewalk with me in the summer.
We both stare at the past across the street, trapped in different memories.
“I tried for a few days,” she whispers. “I forced myself to get out of bed, make you food, live.” She looks over at me again. “But it hurt just doing that. And I got frustrated. Tati always said I was too impatient for my own good.” She laughs lightly, tears breaking out over her bottom lashes. “I just wanted to skip to the part where everything felt normal again, but I would break down every morning when I woke up and Dad wasn't there.” The tear streams get thicker and her nose crinkles up. She wraps her hands around each of her upper arms, twisting the toe of her shoe into the porch as she looks down.
“Your grandfather called me. He heard about everything. I still don’t know how.” She laughs looking up at the sky. “He hadn’t spoken to me since I introduced him to Levi. He didn’t approve.” She shakes her head, but I lean back, never knowing why Mom wanted to return to her hometown in Georgia. I never met her parents, and no one ever told me why. Until now.
She looks over at me. “He told me to come home. And it just felt like it would be easier. Levi and Tati were never in Georgia. And he said he had a job lined up for me in the Senator’s office. I could take you and leave and never look back. It was cowardice, but it felt like the only way to survive at the time.” She tips her head back again and sighs, closing her eyes and tightening her arms around herself.
My memories of those few days are fuzzy, and I try to remember noticing her struggling. But the only thing I remember is struggling myself.
“When I took the job, I just needed something to do every day, some way to make money to support us. Your grandfather offered to pay for us, but he never approved of Levi and I and he didn’t even want to meet you.” She rolls her eyes, shaking her head and staring out at the street again. “We argued about it, but in the end, I took his job offer and that was it. I got us a place and I started going to work for the first time in years.” She looks at me, our eyes meeting. “I spent your whole childhood at home, and I loved it, honey. I really did. But in Georgia, I felt like I needed to get out of the house, needed to be constantly moving. If I sat still, I would think about…” She sighs.
“You have to understand,” She says and steps closer to me, reaching out for a moment. Her hand drops though as she shakes her head. “It wasn’t to get away from you. I never wanted to leave you behind. I just wanted something to distract me, something to put my focus on so that I didn’t have to think.” She shakes her head again, folding her arms back over her chest. “The Senator saw my potential, saw an opportunity for me to use my degree since he was stepping down, so I just went with it. And the further I got, the less time I had to think about anything else. I don’t know when it started to slip into obsession, but I can see now that it did.” She starts rubbing her hands over her arms, trying to keep warm. Her eyes meet mine now, a hollow despondency echoing between us. “I know I changed after Dad and Tatiana died. I thought I needed to. I thought I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of them. And that included me.”
Mom steps toward me, unwrapping her arms to place her hands hesitantly on my shoulders. I flinch a little, cold tears clinging to my cheeks as I blink them out of my eyes. She winces at the reaction, but steps closer to me still. “I never wanted to change toward you, Janette. My career, our address, our life, sure, but I never meant to change us. It’s not an excuse, but my grief drove me to become a different person and I'm so sorry it took me this long to realize it.”
I stand still in front of her for a few moments. The sound of my breathing rattles around in my head, heart thumping along to the rhythm. “I lost them too,” I whisper. “And then it felt like I lost everything else when we moved to Georgia.”
“I know, honey. I’m so sorry.” She pulls me into a hug and her voice sounds as caring as it did when I skinned my arm after falling off my bike, the memory choking me with the backdrop of our past behind her. A flash of her fake syrupy voice when she called me honey yesterday sounds in my ears.
That wasn’t my mom, that was the person she made herself be.
This is my mom.
I hug her back, limbs shaking a bit, and close my eyes.
After a few minutes, we pull back, arms still holding each other. “I want to do better. I’m done running,” she says, shaking her head and looking back over at the house. “I’ve asked Pietro to find me a grief counselor to work with. It’s going to take a while to deal with my buried issues and move forward, but I want to try.” She looks at me, smiling. “I want to get to know you. I feel like I just woke up to notice everything I've been missing, and I want to catch up.”
I nod to her, smiling back as a resounding warmth blankets my ribcage.
“I don’t even know what your major is at school. Or who you’re in love with!” She shakes me a bit, eyes alight with excitement, but still red and tear rimmed.
“Well, they’re both here, so you could come in and meet them.” I watch her reaction, wondering if my impulsive words just thrust us out of the pan and into the fire too soon.
But Mom just laughs, shaking her head. “You always were so easy to love,” she says, smoothing a hand over my hair. “I would love to meet them, but I think I need to talk to Jack and see if it’s okay with everyone else first.”
I nod, turning back to the door. We step back inside, the warmth instantly enveloping us as I take off my coat and boots. Uncle Jack comes up the stairs, startling a little when he sees Mom standing there next to me on the welcome mat.
“You okay?” he asks me again.
I nod, touching Mom’s shoulder as I head for the stairs. “You guys should talk,” I say to Uncle Jack, and he nods once at me before looking over at Mom by the door. I head down, finding Bentley and Axel’s eyes as they watch me descend, both leaning against the kitchen island facing the stairs.
I walk up to them, smiling and folding my arms over my chest. “Have you guys been standing here like guard dogs the whole time?”
“Yes,” Layla calls from over at the table and Axel glares over at her.
“We just wanted to be ready in case you needed us,” Bentley says, placing a hand on my waist. “How are you feeling?”
“Better,” I say as I exhale deeply. “Mom apologized and explained why everything changed so much. She wants to go to therapy and deal with Dad and Aunt Tati’s death and try to move forward.” Bentley nods and Axel crosses his arms. I lean toward him, placing my hands on either side of him on the island. “She wants to meet the men I’m in love with.”
Axel searches my eyes, hand coming up to tangle in my hair after pushing it behind my ear. “I’m not done being mad at her,” he says carefully.
“I know. You don’t have to be. She broke your relationship too. It’s on you guys to fix it or not.” I shrug. “It won’t affect my relationships with you or her.”
He nods, shoulders sloping with a release of tension. “Okay, good.”
I look over at Bentley too. “You’re allowed to be wary toward her too. Everything’s not just ‘forgive and forget’ right now. We’ll need to work on things from here on out and she’ll need to prove she means it, so it’s okay if you don’t want to trust her yet either. I’m not fully sure I do one hundred percent, but I’m hopeful.”
Bentley nods, running his fingers down my cheek. “That’s enough for me, right now. I’ll form my own judgement as we go, but I’ll take your lead from right here, sunshine.”
“I’m still going to be mad at her too,” Layla shouts over at us, making Axel roll his eyes and Bentley smile.
Footsteps descend the stairs behind us, and I turn around to find Mom first, Uncle Jack right behind her. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she says quietly, looking over at the table. Layla goes red, eyes wide as she freezes in her seat. Gwen swallows hard, sitting back and matching Beth’s posture beside her which turns rigid.
“I know I owe you each individual apologies, and it might not be possible to repair all of our relationships,” Mom says, looking at everyone at the table. Uncle Jack puts a hand on her shoulder, still standing behind her. She takes a deep breath. “But I would like to try.”
Aunt Tati’s mother stands up, face blank as her chair scrapes against the floor. She comes around the end of the table, standing in front of Mom who seems to cower under her gaze. Only a second passes before Axel’s grandmother leans forward and folds Mom into a tight hug. “You’ve been missed, darling.” She pulls back, patting Mom’s cheek before looking back at the table. “Tatiana wouldn’t want us to hold a grudge against her best friend. Not today.”
Layla ducks her head, grabbing a roll and taking a bite. Uncle Jack’s parents smile and nod sadly. Beth sips her wine after taking a deep breath and Gwen smiles at Mom. “I’ve missed you, Aunt Sandy.”
Axel’s grandmother walks Mom over to the table, pulling out her vacant seat for her and then going to grab one of the extra folding chairs by the wall and setting it up in an open spot by her daughter. Uncle Jack walks back over to the table, tapping Axel on the shoulder as he passes through the kitchen on the way.
I take each of my guys’ hands. “Ready?” I ask, looking between each of them.
Bentley nods before looking over at Axel with me. He pauses, breathing slowly for a second, then nods, determined. We walk over to the table, taking our seats again, with Mom now sitting across from Axel. She looks between Axel and Bentley, eyes landing on me with a raised eyebrow and humor in her eyes.
“Mom, you’ve met each of them, but,” I say, squeezing both of their hands tighter before I continue, “these are my guys, Axel and Bentley.” I tip my head toward each of them as I introduce them, holding Mom’s eyes while my stomach overflows with prickly nerves.
“Hello again both of you,” Mom says, smiling at each of them.
“Nice to meet you again,” Bentley says politely with a nod.
Axel takes a second, seeming to taste something sour on his tongue. “Hello again, Aunt Sandy,” he finally says, immediately reaching over the table to take a sip of his drink afterward.
Conversation starts to flow around the room again, Gwen, Axel, and I helping Uncle Jack clear the table and pack up leftovers while Layla goes to get some games to play before we dig into dessert. Bentley speaks with Mom and Beth about our history project, and I watch them laugh at something together as I scrape one of the plates into the trash.
Axel’s arms come around my waist, and a kiss lands on my shoulder. “Grandma was right. Mom would have liked that she’s here now.”
I turn and smile at him. He’s still been cool to her, but I’ve seen him smile at a few of her jokes and watching his sisters and dad interact with her again. I kiss his lips quickly, stepping out of his arms and placing the plate next to the sink for Gwen.
“Thank you,” I say to him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he returns his around me. “For playing nice for me. I know you wouldn’t otherwise, so thank you. And thank you for being there for me.”
“Always, Blue.” He pecks my lips again quickly, conscious of his family all around us, and then leans his forehead against mine. “Now all we have to do is rock these next two weeks and we can spend the whole break together here.”
I laugh. “We’ll see. Bentley might want to go back to his hometown for a bit and see his friends and family.”
Axel shrugs. “I doubt he’d be against us coming.” He pulls back, eyes gleaming. “Plus, his parents already invited us over to meet them.”
I swallow, remembering Bentley’s words from last night when he blurted that out. Axel laughs, unwinding his arms from around me and using one hand to tip my chin up toward him. “It’ll be fine. They probably won’t like me out of the two of us.” He shrugs.
I push his shoulder, folding my arms after. “Of course, they’ll like you. Everybody likes you.”
“True,” he says over his shoulder with a wink and walking back to the table ahead of me.