Chapter 1
Jane
I t’s here. The day I thought might never come.
My thirty-third birthday.
It’s not like I expected to die young, but there’s some small part of me that couldn’t fathom living to be thirty-three when my mom didn’t make it to this age. How can I be older than she ever was?
It seems impossible, yet it’s now reality.
As I get ready for the workday, my thoughts drift to the spring of 2020. When we were more or less locked down, Evan Mok and I made a marriage pact. I was a little drunk, and somehow, it just made sense. We even shook on it, as best we could.
I didn’t expect anything to come of it. I figured Evan—who’s objectively more lovable than I am—would be in another long-term relationship by this point. When he started dating Graham a year ago, I assumed this was it.
I was more disappointed than I ought to have been.
I knew I should be glad that my friend was happily in love. It’s not like I’m in love with Evan; I’ve known him for fifteen years, and in all that time, I’ve never had a crush on him. But marrying a friend really does seem like a solid plan. Dating is far too painful, yet for some reason, I’ve always secretly thought I’d get married. And it’s not because I have some old-fashioned notion that this is what you do if you’re a woman.
No, I just like the idea of long-term companionship and commitment, and nothing made it clearer to me than the well of loneliness that consumed me early in the pandemic.
I’m tired of being alone.
So, after Evan and his boyfriend broke up, I start thinking more about that Zoom call. In October, when we were enjoying lunch outside on an unseasonably warm day, I reminded him of our pact. I said I wouldn’t hold him to it if he wasn’t interested, but…
He was.
For the first time in ages, I felt a flutter in my chest. The kind of flutter that people normally associate with romance, but that wasn’t the reason; it was just the thrill of taking my life into my own hands. Making things happen, rather than waiting for them to happen to me.
Yes, I’m getting engaged tonight.
Evan sets the bakery box on my kitchen table and lifts the lid with a flourish.
“You didn’t!” I say, laughing.
“I most certainly did.”
Inside the box is a small cake with “Will you marry me?” written in chocolate.
“Yes,” I say, “I most certainly will.”
There’s no ring—I told him that I didn’t want an engagement ring—and no kiss. Kissing on the lips is against our rules. I said I’d appreciate casual touches, like the sort we already do, and perhaps cuddling during movies, but nothing more.
Evan leans forward and envelops me in a hug, one that lasts a little longer than our usual hugs. Then he pulls back. “I guess we should eat dinner before we dig into the cake.”
I nod and help him set out the containers of food from my favorite Thai restaurant. I’m about to start serving myself when my phone buzzes. I pick it up, feeling a foolish burst of hope.
An unknown number.
I put the phone aside, annoyed with myself for even looking.
As we start eating, Evan turns to practical matters. “When should we tell our families?”
“I was planning to tell them when I’m in Calgary.” It can be such a hassle to fly at Christmas, so I don’t always go, but I’m going this year for four nights.
“Okay. I’ll do it then, too.”
The last time I was in a relationship, our interactions were rather combative, especially near the end. It was exhausting.
But I can’t see that ever happening with Evan.
Marriage might not always be smooth sailing, but I think this will give me what I want.
As soon as dessert is over, Peyton and Kaden pull out their phones.
That’s fine. They don’t need to be paying close attention when I make my announcement. It’s not important news to them.
Evan is telling his family tomorrow, but I’m doing it on Christmas Eve, my first full day with my family in Calgary. Outside, it’s dark and miserable, but in here, it’s warm…though I can’t say it’s particularly cozy.
“I have something to tell you.” I look around the table at my father, my stepmother, and my teenage half-siblings.
My stepmother gestures for me to continue.
I’ve always called her Suzanne. Nobody has ever tried to make me call her anything else, which I appreciated. Nobody has ever expected us to be close. But maybe if we’d been closer, my dad wouldn’t have forgotten about me. He would have seen me as part of his new family, rather than an inconvenient reminder.
I don’t know. Our relationship had started disintegrating before then.
I take a deep breath. “I’m engaged.”
“Congratulations,” Suzanne says, and my father echoes her a moment later.
Kaden looks up from his phone. “You’re not wearing a ring.”
Peyton rolls her eyes. “You don’t need a ring. When men get engaged, they aren’t expected to walk around with a symbol that they’re taken, but women are?”
This morphs into an argument about something else, but then Suzanne says, “Not now,” accompanied by a meaningful look, and Kaden returns to his phone.
“Congrats,” Peyton says to me. “When are you getting married?”
“This summer,” I reply.
Peyton is in her last year of high school. When she was born—before the move to Calgary—I was a year younger than she is now, and I wasn’t particularly interested in having a baby sister. As with Suzanne, we get along well enough, but I don’t feel like we’re family . I’m the outsider here, the one who doesn’t belong.
“Who’s the man?” my father asks.
“His name’s Evan,” I say. “I’ve known him since university, but we only started dating this past summer.”
My father nods, his face impassive.
There are no comments about how I never told them I was seeing someone, how could I be in a relationship without them knowing? I’m not disappointed; it’s what I expected, even if it’s accompanied with a blank feeling that matches my father’s expression. After all, I’ve only talked to my father twice in the past six months. He didn’t even call or text on my birthday, which wasn’t a surprise—he never does. Yet a part of me had still hoped, especially since it was a rather significant birthday for me.
Evan and I discussed what to tell people, and we agreed to pretend we’ve been dating for a little while—not too long, though, because he and Graham broke up in June. Easier to pretend we’ve been in a relationship than to explain the situation to everyone. Where we live, young people don’t usually get married because they’ve given up on finding romantic love and don’t want to be lonely.
And I wouldn’t get married just so I didn’t have to be alone. Better to be single than to tie yourself to the wrong person, but Evan and I are good friends, and I’ve thought about this rationally.
After we get up from the table, my father beckons me to his office, which is on the first floor. My family has lived in this house since they moved out west when I was eighteen. I know it well, but it will never feel like home to me, unlike the house we shared with my mother.
My father sits down at his desk and writes me a check.
A large postdated check.
I don’t have a checkbook, but my dad is old-fashioned in some ways. Peyton likes to tease him about it.
“For your wedding—or a down payment,” he says. “It’s dated for January because I need to make sure I have the money in the right account.”
I nod. “Thank you, Dad. This is very generous.”
And not unexpected, to be honest. My dad and I might not be close—not like we once were—but he paid for most of my schooling and gives me money every Christmas. It’s the only way he shows that he cares about me now. I feel like an obligation.
I put the check in my wallet, then help Suzanne in the kitchen. When we’re finished, I tell her that I’m going for a walk, and she seems a little puzzled as to why I’d willingly go out in this weather, but she doesn’t ask.
I head down the driveway, and the sting of the cold wind on my cheeks is a nice change. Inside that house, I just go through the motions. I’m not really myself.
I wonder when I’ll come back here for Christmas again. Maybe never. Evan will want to spend the holidays with his family, and to be honest, I’m looking forward to it. Some people dread dealing with in-laws, and I harbor no illusions that we’ll be super close. But I look forward to having family of some kind in the Toronto area, a mother-in-law and father-in-law who will occasionally invite us for dinner.
I met his whole family once, many years ago. It was my second year of university, and my family had just moved to Calgary. I wasn’t going to fly out for Thanksgiving; I planned to stay at school. But then Evan asked if I’d want to come to Toronto with him.
So this is what it’s like , I thought as we stepped inside and Evan hugged his father. I was an outsider in that situation, too, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed seeing him with his loved ones, and I didn’t feel the need to shut down emotionally so I didn’t get hurt.
I assume that tomorrow, when he tells his family about our engagement, it’ll be very different from when I told mine.