40. Max
CHAPTER 40
MAX
I insist on riding with Caine back home, because I know if he’s left alone, he’s going to go after Doogie and will kill him. There’s no doubt in my mind he would drive his fist into that man’s face and not let up until he stops breathing.
He would take out all the pent up rage he had against Carson, and now Doogie out on the one man. One that certainly deserves it, but I don’t want to lose him when it looks like we may get away with what I did to Carson.
After Caine climbs on the bike in front of me, I wrap my arms around his middle, pressing myself against his back tightly. I swear I feel the tenseness in his body soften at my touch, but I also may just be imagining it.
We end up getting to my house at the same time as Drew and Adam. There’s a tension around all of us, and I feel like it’s because of everything we just learned. They’re pissed, and so am I but I know right now we just have to trust Danner and the process.
We need to distract ourselves, especially Caine because he reminds me of a caged beast who’s been throwing themselves at the bars and the enclosure is seconds away from breaking. I keep myself plastered to his side as we walk inside, trying to ground him.
Once we are inside I feel like it’s safe to put a tiny bit of distance between us without him immediately bolting from the house. Of course when I try, he yanks me right back against him, growling in my ear, “Where do you think you’re going?”
I look up at him, the anger and some other emotion swimming in his bright blue eyes, I blurt before I can think about what I’m doing, “We all need to talk.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” Drew comments.
I shake my head. “No, not like that, I just, fuck .”
I feel like this isn’t how I should start this, but I can’t go on any longer without getting this confession off my chest. It may be ridiculous, and maybe I’m reading too much into everything. I’ve never experienced real love and attention, but right now I know that if I don’t say something soon it’s going to burst out of me at the worst time.
I know I should trust Danner, and I do. I also know, there’s always an opportunity for everything to get derailed and if I never get to tell them it’ll be the biggest regret of my life.
“Sit on the couch,” I tell them all, reminiscent of another time we did this.
I’ve never been good with words, I’ve always had to express my feelings in other ways. Dancing used to be my biggest outlet. The one way I could get out everything, and actually feel freely.
This may not be the most conventional way to express my feelings, but it’s mine. They’ve accepted me fully and wholly up until this point, and I can only hope they’ll accept me like this as well.
None of them argue as they sit on the couch, facing the pole that’s still up, though I probably should have taken it down. I’m glad I haven’t. While the thought of dancing has repulsed me since I got back, I want to now. I want to feel how I used to feel.
I want to take my power back.
Because it’s mine.
Their eyes are glued on me as I stand there, not doing anything, just looking at them. I quickly steel my spine and plaster a smile on my face.
“I want you all to tell me something. For everything you tell me, I’ll take something off.”
Caine doesn’t move, Drew tilts his head slightly, and Adam adjusts his position to sit up a bit straighter before asking, “Tell you what, baby girl?”
I toy with the hem of my shirt, the loose fabric hanging on my body and covering my sports bra underneath. I tease them, lifting it just slightly. “Tell me how you feel about…” My voice gets quieter, insecurity taking over with what I’m asking.
“About what?” Adam’s deep gravelly voice asks.
“About me,” I practically whisper.
“What do you want to know, killer? I tell you every fucking thing. The way I’m completely obsessed with you, that you changed my life the second you walked into it. The way I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you. The fact that I fucking love you,” Caine confesses almost too easily.
I practically lose my footing at his words. Hearing them, watching him say them. I thought I saw him mouth them after the end of his fight, but convinced myself that I hallucinated. There’s no denying right now that this is real and that those words just came out of his mouth.
“Your turn.” Caine gestures to my body. “Take it off.”
Because I can’t speak, I do just that. Removing the loose fitting shirt and dropping it on the ground at my feet. I step toward the men on the couch, kicking the fabric aside, stepping up to Caine and straddling him.
“Keep your hands to yourself. You’re not allowed to touch the dancers,” I tell him with a smirk. “And if you don’t, I’ll have to tie them up.”
“I may love you, killer, but I’ll break free of any restraint you try to put me in.”
I roll my hips against him, already feeling his hardness underneath his sweats and I groan. I’m very aware of the other pairs of eyes watching us, and that I want them to touch me too. I want all of them in a way I’ve never had them before. I want to be completely consumed.
I dip down, barely grazing my lips over Caine’s trying not to second guess what I’m about to say, not overthinking any of it. I just let the words roll off my tongue. “I fucking love you too.”
He tenses and I know he’s about to grab me, but I remove myself from his lap. He looks like he wants to come after me, but I hold my hand up. “If you ruin the game then you don’t get the prize.”
My eyes fix on Drew, moving closer to him, but back up near the pole. Once it’s at my back, I swing around it once with the back of my knee hooked around it. “Your turn,” I tell him.
“Fuck, little one. You don’t know what you do to all of us, do you? How you have me so fucked up, wanting things I’ve never wanted. Feeling things I’ve never felt. When you were gone and I thought I wouldn’t see you again, I didn’t know what to do with myself. You balance me. You fill all my missing pieces and if that’s not love I don’t know what the fuck else it could be.”
Hooking my thumbs in the waistband of my pants, I start to push them down, my heart racing at this entire game while keeping my gaze focused on Drew as I drop another piece of clothing onto the floor.
Repeating the same move I did with Caine, resting my knees on either side of his hips, resting my hands on his shoulders, I lean down to bite the lobe of his ear and whisper, “Remember the rules?”
“No touching this perfect body.”
I breathe out, “You’re such a good boy.”
He growls, his body tensing and I chuckle, letting my breath fan the side of his neck. But amazingly, he doesn’t grab me even though I know he wants to. I want to rile them all up. I know exactly what buttons to push. How to distract them, and get them to bend to my will.
Because I’m the one in control and we all know it.
Trailing my lips down his neck, I move to the other side, repeating the motion, working up the nerve to say the words again. The ones I’m feeling just as strongly for this man as the other two are sitting on the couch. I didn’t think it was possible to love one person, let alone three.
That’s why I’m able to whisper, “If that’s what it’s like, then I must love you too.”
He turns his head, capturing my lips with his, and I melt against him for a moment before pulling back and giving him a glare as I get off his lap. “That’s breaking the rules.”
“I think it’s a technicality,” he teases.
“Or maybe the good boy wants to be punished,” I taunt right back and he narrows his eyes at me. But I don’t miss the way he adjusts himself in his loose pants that are suddenly tented. He can deny that he’s a good boy, but he likes it just as much as I do.
“Keep it up, baby girl, you’re going to unleash two monsters if you aren’t careful,” Adam growls.
I turn my attention toward him this time. “Only two?”
He nods slowly. “I’m able to control my monster.”
I raise my eyebrow. “You think so?”
He nods again.
“Good thing it’s your turn then. Prove it.”
He shifts again, taking his time as his eyes rake over me. I’m only in a sports bra and a thong. He takes in every inch of my exposed skin. I watch as the snake tattooed on his throat bobs with a rough swallow, the only tell he has that there’s any sort of reaction to me.
I shift my own weight on my feet, trying not to feel uncomfortable by his staring. Though, I know it’s not uncomfortable. I like him staring. I like how they all look at me. I knew he would be the one that struggles the most with telling me how he feels.
I’m aware he may not, and that this could all blow up in my face. Even if I say something first, and with the way he’s looking at me, I just might. It’s like he’s willing the words from my mouth. Like he can force me to say them before he does. His brown eyes lock on mine and I open my mouth, but no words come out.
“Do you want to know how I feel, baby girl?” he asks finally. I snap my mouth shut and nod.
He nods toward the pole behind me. “You going to use that while I do?”
“If that’s what it takes,” I offer easily. It’s not like when Carson would make me dance for him. Right now I want to, if it’ll get him to say things he would never normally say. If it’ll keep him looking at me the way he is right now, I’ll do anything that needs to be done.
“Go on.” He nods toward it again, and I listen.
Holding onto the cool metal, I swing myself around slowly, my movements controlled and unpracticed while I get used to the feeling. There’s no music, but when he starts to speak, I don’t even need music. His voice and the words he’s saying are better than any song I could start playing.
“You’re the perfect woman, baby girl. Perfect for us. Perfect in every way. And you don’t even know it. You not only complete each of us individually, but as a whole. You bring us together. You’re the glue. You’re the only person who could ever get me to say so much at once. You’re the only one who could get me to admit how much I love you.”
My breath catches, for some reason hearing him say those words holds more weight. Knowing his history and the fact that he’s never known love just like me. This man who doesn’t handle some levels of physical intimacy well due to his past is able to let himself be emotionally intimate. With me.
Not only that, really it’s an emotionally intimate moment with us all together because they were able to tell me this in front of each other. This makes me feel like we’re all closer than ever. Another level to this relationship because it proves to us all that this is it. We’re all in it.
Together.
Even if it didn’t start that way, considering Caine forced his way into my life. Then, they all did in their own way. It’s all I’ve ever wanted but didn’t know I could have.
“Get over here, baby girl,” Adam demands and I realize I’ve stopped moving around the pole.
Stepping toward him, he stops me with the simple raise of his hand, and I listen, easily like my body is programmed to listen to him even if it’s nonverbal.
“Take something off,” he reminds me, and I’ve been so distracted I forgot that was even something I’m supposed to do.
I pull my sports bra off, tossing it somewhere in the room and I don’t know if I’ll find it again. Then, he drops his hand and I climb onto his lap, the same way I did to the other two, careful not to touch him in a way that will have me ruining the moment.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “Thank you for telling me; I know it’s hard for you. I know all of this is new for all of us. But this is why I love you. Because you trust me, and treat me better than anyone ever has in my life. You see me for who I really am, and have helped me discover who that really is.”
Adam shakes his head, cupping the side of my face. “No, baby. You discovered yourself all by yourself. That was all you, and always will be.”
I crash my mouth onto his to stop the sob that wants to come out, I didn’t realize how desperately I needed these words from all of them. It means more than I can even express. We’re all so imperfect, but together it doesn’t matter. We get to be imperfect together which is what I think makes us even better for each other.
He pulls me back, and I didn’t even scold him for touching me, which I’m sure is pissing off the other two a bit, especially Caine. It doesn’t matter because this is about us coming together. Right now, I want that in a whole other level. Which I’m going to get.
“Turn on some music, baby girl, and finish up your little show for us,” he tells me, and again it doesn’t feel like it did with Carson. I don’t feel forced. My body buzzes with the thought of dancing for them. I want to do this. I want them to watch me.
“Yes, Daddy.” I slide off his lap and see the flare in his eyes at my words because, just like the other two I want them unhinged as soon as I say. Because what I’m going to ask for is going to push all of our limits.
Yet, it only makes me even more excited for what’s about to come.