Chapter 29 Lucas
Lucas
I pulled into Mazzie’s mom’s house later that day after talking with Ryker about Shane Blackwood and my plan to pay him off.
I also stopped by Coach’s office to explain the situation.
He was flabbergasted and pissed when I walked in battered and bruised.
Nevertheless, I needed him to know what I was doing.
I didn’t want him to find out through his contacts he had at the casino.
I couldn’t ruin any chances of being benched for an entire season in the event something went awry with Shane. In addition, I needed his help.
On my way there, I’d reached out to Shane, but his voicemail picked up.
So I left a message that if he wanted his money, he should meet me on Monday at my house.
With my plan coming together, I felt more confident that after I paid off Shane, he wouldn’t bother Kurtis, me, or anyone in my family again.
After I cut the engine, I sat still for a beat.
I had no idea what I was about to walk into.
My thoughts were an ocean filled with what-ifs.
What if Mazzie was sick, as in terminally sick?
What if she was breaking up with me? What if she was moving to Ohio to stay with her dad now that her mom had been sentenced to a year?
Dude, you’re driving yourself crazy. Go in. That was my problem. I was suddenly scared to hear what she had to say.
It was now or never.
I climbed out the truck and stepped into a large puddle, remnants of the storm the day before. As I strode past Bailey’s Volvo, I felt as though I were walking to my death. My stomach dropped with each step like a plane falling from the sky.
Buck up. You take hits left and right. You were just beaten up by two men. And you’re a goddamn madman on the football field. Physical blows, I could handle. Emotional ones, not a chance in hell.
I knocked on the door, raking a hand through my hair. Seconds passed without her answering, and my heart slowed until it felt like it was barely beating.
Then the lock clicked, the door opened, and she appeared, her face tear-stained but pretty.
I had to ask. “Are you dying?”
She sobbed.
Fuck me. No. No. No.
My legs were about to give out. “Is that a yes?” I was desperate to hear her tell me something.
She stepped out of the way so I could come in. I was met with hot, sticky air and the realization that I might lose her. My pores were pouring out sweat as my anxiety climbed the charts. I would take beating after beating from Shane’s goons rather than deal with losing Mazzie.
The sound of the door clicking shut made me jump as I dodged boxes in the living room.
“What’s going on?” I asked, on the verge of bawling myself.
She hugged herself as she stood on the tile floor facing me.
I had to sit before my legs gave out so I sank into a chair. “Mazzie, if you don’t say something, I’m going to die.” I hated to exaggerate, but I couldn’t take the brick wall of tension.
The fabric of the chair felt hard beneath me as I fixated on her.
She wore a loose top that hung over her tight capris.
Her hair was up in a messy bun, her smooth skin along her neck and face were blotchy, and those eyes I loved were once again as red as an overripe tomato. She was stealing the wind out of me.
Several seconds—or minutes—of silence that felt like hours or even days increased the tension between us.
I wiped the sweat off my neck. “Midnight, talk to me.”
She chewed on a fingernail. “I… That day in Ryker’s sister’s room. Remember?” She frowned. “I saw a side of you that defied all the rumors I’d ever heard about the campus golden boy.”
Natalia had started her breakup speech in a similar way.
“I remember when you first looked at me—”
My mind felt foggy and groggy. “I’ll ask you again. Are you dying?”
“No.”
I stood up from the chair. “Then what is it?” I took one step toward her.
Her hand came out like a wild whip. “Don’t.”
My heart fell to the floor. “Mazzie, please say what you need to. I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been going fucking crazy.”
“If you would let me finish what I was going to say.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m listening.”
“In Leigh’s room, you were emotional. Then after our first night in your room, I couldn’t get you out of my mind.
But I couldn’t get sidetracked either. Yet I gave into the idea of love.
A feeling I never wanted to experience since I’d seen heartbreak after heartbreak with my mother and the men she’d dated.
” She paused to swallow. “I don’t want to ruin your future, Lucas.
Your dream of playing in the NFL. I don’t want to hold you back. ”
“You would never hold me back. We both have aspirations and dreams we want to achieve. But you’re not making any sense.”
She sobbed.
I had her in my arms in a nanosecond as the world righted itself on its axis. She smelled of hope and felt like home.
“Shh.” I rubbed her back as she trembled against me, or maybe I was the one shaking. “We can get through anything. I’m in this for the long haul.”
“I’m not ready for marriage,” she cried.
I silently swore at my mom because that word was gutting her. “Neither am I. We talked about this already.” I held her face in my hands. “Look at me.”
She lifted her watery gaze.
“I am so in love with you that nothing on this earth could take that feeling away. I want you, Mazzie. All of your flaws, your stubbornness—the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
“Even a baby?”
I stumbled backward. “What?”
She wrapped her arms around herself again. “I’m pregnant.”
The room spun. The heat multiplied, as did the sweat on my neck.
She turned and walked toward the kitchen, with me following as if I was in a daze. She went up to the counter, dug into her bag, and pulled out three pregnancy tests. She lined them up in a row. “If these aren’t proof enough, the doctor’s office confirmed the blood results late this morning.”
This was bigger than the NFL. Bigger than my past. Terrified didn’t begin to describe how I felt.
I shuffled over to her, and my entire body went numb, my vision narrowing to those three plastic sticks on the counter, lined up like evidence and ready to take me down harder than any hit on the field.
Pregnant.
That word bounced around my skull, colliding with every fear I’d ever had about becoming a father. Sure, I wanted kids one day. But I thought I would have time to prepare.
“Say something, Lucas.”
“I’m—” Words failed me.
What was I supposed to say? That I didn’t know how to be a father. That I could turn out like mine. That every time I imagined being a father, I saw my dad being led away in handcuffs. That I was twenty-two with NFL dreams.
“How?” I finally managed to say, though I knew the how of it all. “I thought you were on birth control.”
She created distance between us and sank onto the couch amid the boxes and packing paper, looking lost and panicked.
“I have the birth control implant. But because of a series of miscommunication between my doctor and me, my implant expired. At least that could be the reason. So could the fact that a small percentage of women get pregnant on birth control. I didn’t plan this, Lucas.
I promise that I’m not trying to trap you. ”
“I never said you were.”
She anchored her shoulder against the counter. “No, but I can see you’re thinking that.”
I laughed like a nutjob. “You want to know what I’m thinking. That I violated my rule to always wear a condom.” The one time I hadn’t had resulted in a baby growing inside her. I was furious with myself.
“I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I was the one who assured you that I was protected.” She reached out to touch me.
I moved away from her. I had to think. She’d had time to process this life-changing news.
“I wanted to tell you last night, but I didn’t have the test results from the doctor. Plus, you were dealing with your dad. I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me.”
I pulled out my keys. I needed air, space, time, something to clear the cobwebs from my head. Then again, none of that would change anything. She would still be pregnant come morning.
“I don’t know how to do this, Mazzie.” I left the stifling confines of the house before my lungs gave out.
But the Texas October air was just as oppressive. Nevertheless, it was better to be outside than to feel as though the room inside was getting smaller and smaller.
“Lucas, I don’t expect anything from you,” she said at my back. “I… You deserve to know that.”
Standing on the precipice of a world I knew nothing about, I pivoted on my heel and backtracked a few steps. That strength I’d seen in her was gone. In its place were fear and weakness.
I placed a gentle hand on her cheek, which was tacky and wet, and I could picture what our baby might look like—dark-haired with green or blue eyes or a combination of both colors like hers. And as that thought ran through my mind, terror had me on the verge of throwing up.
I loved her, without a doubt. I’d played a part in this.
I could’ve ignored her comment about birth control.
Hell, I’d done that many times with other women I’d slept with.
But Mazzie Meyers had me falling the damn second I laid eyes on her.
The night of the Wolf Howl after kissing her on the field, after hearing her tell me she needed me, I was already a goner.
I was as much to blame as she was. I couldn’t let her shoulder the burden.
That wasn’t me, but I needed time to think.
My brain felt like it was splitting in two.
One half wanted to run as far and as fast as I could from this responsibility.
The other was desperate to promise her everything would be okay.
A baby. Our baby was growing inside her.
I sat on the stoop, pulling on my hair.
She joined me. “Talk to me. Say something.”
I focused on the grill of my truck. “What do you want to hear? That I’m not ready to be a father? That I fear I could turn out like Kurtis? All I know how to do is play football.”
“Then leave. I can do this on my own.” Her emotions strangled her words.
Anger, hot and fast, reared its ugly head as I pushed to my feet, dragging my hand along my jaw, creating space from her. “I don’t run from my problems.” I raised my voice, firing my rage like a goddamn missile.
She rocked where she sat as horror, guilt, and hurt poured out of her eyes.
I banged on my chest to push out the burning sensation in my lungs. “And what do you mean by ‘I can do this on my own?’”
Trembling, she hugged her knees to her chest. “Neither of us is ready to raise a child.”
How would we? Money would be a problem. She lived with the Armstrongs.
Ryker was footing the bill for our rental.
I would have to get a job. Not a big deal, but whatever job I got would have to be part-time unless I quit school, and my mom would have my ass on a platter if I threw away my scholarship.
I wore a path in the sun-scorched grass in front of the duplex, moving my arms to keep from punching the porch railing. “You want to terminate your pregnancy?” I hadn’t heard my voice that high-pitched ever.
I didn’t know how I felt about that. My mom believed life was precious—a gift—and we should treat it with care.
Growing up without my father, I couldn’t count how many times I wanted him dead.
My mother had always reprimanded me, telling me I should never think like that.
That humans were put on this earth for a reason.
Whatever the reason was that had put Mazzie and me at this juncture was beyond me.
She threw up her hands. “I don’t know. I’m still in shock.”
“I love you. That’s not changing. But we both need time to absorb this before you make any decisions.” Despite my feelings, it was her body, her choice.
She nodded. “Agreed.”
I was more terrified than I’d ever been.