Chapter 31 Mazzie
Mazzie
The fluorescent lights of the visitors’ room at the Lakemont County Jail buzzed overhead and cast a sickly glow that made the people waiting to see their loved ones appear yellow and ill.
Maybe it wasn’t due to the lighting but rather the antiseptic smell mixed with a musty odor that hung in the air.
The scent was definitely making me queasy, or maybe it was the start of morning sickness.
Christ, I was pregnant. I’d spent last night pouring out my feelings in a journal, the words tumbling out faster than I could write them.
Jotting down my thoughts had always been my way of untangling the mess in my head, especially when I was facing a monumental decision.
Accident or not, the baby would be born out of love. Pure, unadulterated love.
As Kaylee and I waited to see our mom, I texted Lucas.
I wasn’t expecting much from him since it had been less than twenty-four hours since I’d told him I was pregnant.
He’d reacted the way I had thought he would—angry, scared, and shocked.
How could he not? I was feeling the same way.
But this was my fault, and the guilt was eating at me worse than anything.
I’d had four days to reel in my thoughts and feelings. One fear I had was of Lucas running from me and not looking back. Washing his hands of me and what I was about to face. I wouldn’t blame him. I’d told him I was sure I didn’t want him to wear a condom.
Like me, my mom had carried guilt during both of her pregnancies.
She’d sworn she’d been religious about taking her birth control pills, blaming the antibiotics she’d taken around the time she’d slept with my dad.
With Kaylee, the story was hazier. Mom’s alcohol consumption often made her forget to do things.
Regardless, here I was, dealing with the same situation my mother had. I was my mother’s daughter. I would like to think that I wasn’t anything like her, but she had fight in her. She could’ve chosen to terminate Kaylee and me, but she hadn’t.
The noises coming from the game Kaylee was playing on her phone slowly yanked me from my thoughts.
“Do you think Mom will be okay?” Kaylee glanced up from her game.
I reached over and grabbed her hand. “I hope so.”
I was anxious to see my mother. She could always read me well, and with my puffy face from all the crying I’d been doing, she would know something was terribly wrong.
“And you? You’ve been sad for the last couple of days. Did you and Lucas break up? Please tell me you haven’t. I really like him.”
I gave her a warm smile. “Lucas and I are great.” I couldn’t tell her I was pregnant, not yet. Not until I could make sense of it, anyway.
“Then why are you sad?”
I leaned closer to her to whisper. “I’m trying to work something out. Once I do, I will tell you everything. But not to worry. Okay?”
I’d spent years trying to be my sister’s stable rock, the responsible one who had it all figured out.
Here I was falling into the same shoes as our mom.
Truth be told, the more I thought about telling Kaylee, the more afraid I became.
It wasn’t that I thought I would fail her but that I was a liar and imposter.
I was perpetuating the same cycle as our mother.
Pregnant, working multiple jobs, barely keeping my head above water—just like Mom had early on in my childhood.
“As long as you’re not going to tell me I have to move out of the Armstrong house.”
I tapped her on the nose. “That won’t be happening.”
Come to think of it, I might have to move out. I couldn’t burden Mrs. Armstrong with my pregnancy. The door opening echoed through the visitors’ room, stopping the spiral that was about to consume me.
Kaylee and I perked up. Three women entered and found their families. A guard held the door open, but no other inmates appeared.
For a split second, my heart plummeted at the thought that our mother wasn’t coming. She’d been very clear that she didn’t want Kaylee and I visiting her.
“Maybe she doesn’t want to see us.” Kaylee hugged herself, hurt draining the color from her face.
I was ready to check with the guard when our mother walked in, dressed in tan scrubs. Her brown eyes were clear, and gone was her ashen skin.
She beamed when she saw us, looking as though she’d spent several days at a spa.
“It’s good to see you both.” Mom gave each of us a hug, which was allowed at the start of visits and at the end.
“I miss you,” Kaylee cried to Mom. “But you seem happy.”
I couldn’t recall any time that I’d seen my mother without the weight of the world on her shoulders.
“Being confined in a small cell isn’t fun, but I’ve accepted my penance.” Mom sat across from Kaylee and me. “The last twenty-seven days, I’ve been forced to think and decompress. Things will be different when I get out. That’s for certain.”
Any other time she’d said she would change, she never had. However, I actually believed her today.
“I spoke to Mr. Furlong this morning,” I said. “He mentioned that it’s possible you could only serve six months of your sentence with good behavior.”
Mom rested her forearms on the table, clasping her hands together. “Actually, five. They’re counting the time I’ve already been in here toward my sentence. Enough about me. Tell me about you two. How’s living with the Armstrongs?” She regarded Kaylee.
“It’s really nice.” Kaylee was trying not to be overly excited for fear that Mom would be hurt.
“I’m so appreciative of the Armstrongs,” Mom said. “And I love your outfit.”
My sister wore a cropped knitted sweater over a pretty flowered summer dress. Her hair was pulled into a side ponytail, and she had a very light dusting of blush on her cheeks. Mrs. Armstrong wanted Kaylee to look her best for our mother.
Mom’s eyes snapped to me, narrowing with that familiar maternal radar. “You’re pale. What’s wrong?” The question carried the weight of years of reading my moods.
Heat crawled up my neck. Surely, she didn’t sense the secret growing inside me. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, meeting her probing stare head-on, searching for what to say without lying, but I had nothing.
“The last time you looked like this was when you thought your dad didn’t pay your tuition. Did he forget again?”
“Mazzie has a boyfriend,” Kaylee announced innocently.
I braced for impact.
“Boyfriend?” Mom’s eyebrows shot up, surprise lifting her voice an octave.
My sister was beaming and bouncing in her enthusiasm. “Lucas is handsome and super nice. He’s a football player. He might go into the NFL.”
Mom’s shoulders sagged as her expression crumpled to something that looked like dread. “A football player?” Mom’s voice dropped to a whisper, but her disappointment rang through the visitors’ room like an annoying school bell.
That familiar surge of defensiveness rose in my chest. Of course she’d jump to conclusions like she always had. The irony wasn’t lost on me that I was sitting across from her in jail while she judged my life choices.
“Is he like that Josh character?” she asked, disgust ringing through her questions loud and clear.
“Josh? You hardly met him.”
She leaned forward. “I pegged him the first time I did, didn’t I?”
He was one guy that my mom and I agreed was a jerk through and through.
“Too bad you didn’t read the men you dated,” I mumbled under my breath, pinning her to her chair.
“There’s that sass,” she said. “Tell me about this football player.”
“There’s nothing to tell, except he’s far from like Josh.” My fingers curled into fists under the table.
“She loves him,” Kaylee bragged—or tattled.
As if my mother had been punched in the face, her head jerked backward. “Love? You’ve never been in love with a boy.” She studied me too long and too hard.
The baby growing inside me suddenly felt impossibly heavy. And at that moment, it carried more than just physical weight. It held every fear she’d ever planted in me, now growing roots.
I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat. “There’s a first time for everything.”
She sat back, her gaze penetrating like she knew. “Then why do you look like you’re not happy or…?”
The acid in my stomach swished from side to side. “I have a lot on my plate, Mom.” I steeled my voice. “Kaylee and I wanted to see you before they moved you to the state jail. Do you need anything? I’m packing up the house and will talk to the landlord about breaking the lease.”
She kept silent as she continued to sweep her gaze over my face.
“Mom has that look that you two are about to fight,” Kaylee said.
I gave my sister a sidelong glance. “We’re not.” Then I took inventory of the people at other tables.
I could hear one lady arguing with a man.
Mom’s lips were mashed into a thin line, her attention never wavering from me. “You’re hiding something.”
“I have nothing to hide.” Liar. “Can we talk about you? When are they moving you to the state jail?”
The longer I sat here, the quicker she would figure it out. My mom couldn’t read a man’s intentions to save her life, but when it came to Kaylee and me, her perceptiveness got five gold stars.
“I know you’re not upset about me. And if it’s not your tuition payment, then did the football player break up with you?” She was going to keep probing until she found out.
“He didn’t,” Kaylee said then regarded me. “Or did you break up and lie to me?”
For the love of God. “No, Lucas and I are fine.” I couldn’t lie to my sister.
My mom angled her head. “Then unless you’re dying… Mazzie, I’m going to ask you this once.”
The air in my lungs dissipated. “Don’t.”
“Are you pregnant?” Mom hissed, her voice low enough only Kaylee and I could hear.
I jerked my head at my sister. This wasn’t how I wanted to break the news to her.
“You are?” Kaylee asked, her eyes wide as could be. “That’s why you’re sad. You’re trying to work it out?”
“I didn’t want you to find out like this,” I said to my sister, blinking one tear away then two.
“Jesus Christ, Mazzie.” Mom slumped back in her chair, her newfound lease on life evaporating. “After watching me struggle your entire life?”
I couldn’t argue with her. I’d told her many times that the only way I would ever get pregnant was if I was married.
Disappointment colored Mom’s face. “A football player, of all people? You’re smarter than this. What about medical school? Being a doctor? A future? Not diapers and day care while this guy chases his NFL dreams.”
“I didn’t plan this.” I kept my voice as low as I could. “My implant expired. I didn’t get the first notice they mailed me, which I could blame on you. You always got the mail.”
She wagged her forefinger. “No, you don’t. You’re not putting the blame on me.”
Our voices sounded loud in the visitors’ room, but others were absorbed in their own problems. Even if they weren’t, my mother was not about to ignore this.
“I didn’t get the first notice,” I continued. “I got the second one, but it was too late. And don’t you dare start in on me about protection.” I waved my hand between Kaylee and me. “We’re products of your poor decisions.” I wasn’t trying to be mean, but she didn’t have any right to judge me.
Kaylee scooted her chair closer to me and snaked her hand in mine, as if to say I got you.
I wanted to bawl my eyes out, but I refused to in front of my mother. I was stronger than her.
“I don’t want this for you.” Mom came closer but didn’t touch me—rules and all. “Look at me.”
My eyes filled with tears.
Kaylee squeezed my hand. “I’m happy for you, Maze. You and Lucas are going to be great parents. And I will be the best aunt.”
My steel armor cracked, and I couldn’t keep the tears at bay any longer.
“Do you want to keep it?” Mom asked.
“Yes, she does,” Kaylee answered for me. “Maze, you do, right?”
My breathing was all over the place. “I’m still processing this. But… yeah, I want to keep it. Before you ask, Lucas knows.”
Kaylee bounced with happiness.
Tears cascaded down my mother’s cheeks. I’d seen my mother cry but never over me, and that gutted me.
Mom held her head high. “Listen to me. I know I don’t say this enough. But you’re intelligent, strong, and a kick-ass woman. And you will be the best mother on this planet.”
I dragged a hand under my nose. “What’s with the change of heart?”
“You’re not me, Mazzie. Do I want you to be burdened with a baby? No. And if this Lucas loves you, you two will have a fighting chance.”
“Lucas is the best, Mom,” Kaylee said. “He will not leave her or hurt her. He knows if he does, he’ll have to deal with me.”
I choked out a laugh through a sob.
The other inmates were starting to leave their loved ones.
Mom checked the clock on the wall. “I guess I have to go.” She rose. “I love you girls. I’m going to make sure I get out in five months. I want to see my grandchild born.”
I hugged her for a long minute. “I love you.” I hoped she came out a better mother, as she’d stated, because I would love for her to be part of her grandchild’s life.
“Promise me you won’t give up on medical school,” she said.
“Never, Mom.” It might take me an additional year, but I wouldn’t give up on my dream.
Kaylee hugged her, and when Mom finally crossed the room, her shoulders were shaking as she cried.
“I’m sad,” Kaylee said.
“Me too. Come on, lil’ sis. We need tissues.”
We stopped in the bathroom on our way out, and after freshening up, I stood behind her at the sink and fixed her ponytail.
“Are you sure that you’re cool with me having a baby?” I eyed her through the mirror.
“I would never be upset with you over that. I know it will be tough for you, but Lucas isn’t going to leave you.”
“I was worried you would think I was like Mom.”
She turned and flashed those big brown eyes up at me. “I love Mom, but you’re not her.”
As we walked out into a beautiful October day with a blue sky and puffy white clouds, I felt lighter, freer. It was time to step out of the shadows of my mother and write my own story.