Undeniable Love (James County Fire Rescue #3)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

Kate

“Hawthorne. Tough call.” The emergency department charge nurse slides a cup of brown sludge that’s supposed to be coffee onto the counter in front of me, a symbolic condolence for losing my patient.

Leo is tied up restocking supplies for our ambulance while I complete the incident report; otherwise, he’d be the one suffering idle chitchat.

Maybe if we could’ve gotten her stabilized sooner…

“Yeah.” I should feel more of… something in this moment. More sympathy for the family that lost a loved one. More dissatisfaction over losing a patient. More frustration about our delayed response time because we were coming clear across the county since every other ambulance was occupied.

This job has made me so callous. The loss of a patient has become just another day in the office, a regular part of the job.

And after five years, I’ve seen so much that I’ve become numb to the tragedies I respond to and don’t even recognize the woman I used to be.

My emotions are clogged up for a thousand and one reasons.

“How’s her son doing?”

The nurse’s question brings me back to the present. To the incessant beeps and hums and the constant motion of the emergency department.

“Still mad and raising hell. Threatening to sue everyone.”

I scribble my signature at the bottom of the page and let the pen drop.

Of course it rolls off the counter and onto the nurses’ station desktop.

Once we go back in service, there will be another call and another patient we may or may not help.

Rinse and repeat for another twelve to eighteen hours. This double shift is kicking my ass.

“Par for the course.”

“Kate, you can’t blame yourself,” she says, and I realize that in my exhaustion, I must’ve spoken aloud. “Heard there was a crowd that hindered your response time.”

I lift a shoulder. “I don’t blame anyone. It was just her time,” I reply, letting the weight of the past hour roll off, shoving it aside so I’m ready for the next emergency. “At least she wasn’t alone.”

I’d made sure of that. When it became evident that we’d lost her, I stayed behind, stroking her fine hair, murmuring soft kindness over her until a nurse came to clean her up for the family.

It was in those moments that I reverted to a time when I’d been a caregiver having to say goodbye.

The kindest thing in the world you could do for someone was to let them know they weren’t alone.

I’d want that if it were my time.

I want that, period.

Fuck, I’m so tired of being alone.

“So, I heard a rumor that we’re going to be seeing less of you soon,” the charge nurse says under her breath, like my moving to fire recruit school is some big secret.

I tap my paperwork together and store it in the box of my clipboard. “Where’d you hear that?”

“Your partner might’ve been grumbling about it earlier.”

The corner of my lips tilts up in a sad smile. “Yeah, he’s not very happy with me right now. I’ll still be with the department, though, so don’t think you’re getting rid of me. But hopefully I’ll be in a different role.”

“You done gabbing?” the very man we are discussing grumbles behind me. My partner of two years is a big, burly guy with a gruff exterior and a heart of gold. He’s the only part of being on the bus that I’ll miss.

“What’s the world coming to? Thought you two’d go down together,” she jokes. “Guess you guys are living up to your crew name.”

Leo stops in his tracks and shoots her a glare. “Crew name?”

“Yeah, they call y’all the Titanic crew. You know, Kate and Leo?”

“Har har,” I deadpan, scooping my board under an arm and grabbing the now tepid coffee. I take one sip and shudder. “Come on, Leo.” I brush past him, waving over my shoulder at the charge nurse. “Let’s go get some real caffeine.”

We drag ourselves out to the emergency bay, where our ambulance gleams under the fluorescent lights. The night is unseasonably warm for this early in the spring. “Reckon how many times we’ve left this bay at…” I check my watch. “Two a.m.”

“Enough times that my wife is glad you’re gay.”

I sputter as I climb into the cab. It’s nice and cool because Leo, bless him, kept the engine, thus the air conditioner, running after restocking.

“Dude. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a lesbian?” People assume that because I work in a predominantly male field and dress like a man when I’m on duty, it automatically means something about my sexuality. “You know I was dating Pollock until six months ago.”

That jackass is now living off the grid somewhere out west since dipping his wick into other random women was more important than being with me.

I swipe at my eyes. This shouldn’t still hurt. He’s not worth any tears.

“Yeah, well. I thought you were lying. No one ever met him.”

I buckle my seat belt as Leo pulls out of the emergency bay, hopefully headed toward the station via somewhere that sells decent coffee.

He’s got a point. Our crew at the station has been together for the better part of a year now, and Leo and I have been together longer than that, but the few times Pollock was in town, I didn’t invite him to come to the station.

Everyone else had brought their special someone at least once to meet the rest of the crew, yet I barely introduced Pollock at our deputy chief’s wedding reception.

“Yes you did, at the Collinses’ reception.”

“What happened with him, anyway?”

“Just a difference in life goals.” Like commitment, monogamy. Parenting. Thinking about Pollock makes my heart hurt. Not for him specifically, but for all that happened before he left.

“My parents had that love of a lifetime kind of thing. A love so deep that once my mom passed, my dad went soon after. I want that for myself. And I didn’t have that with him.

” The reality of who he turned out to be smarts.

Makes me think I liked the idea of the relationship more than the man himself.

All I really wanted was to have someone in my life. A person of my own.

A mistake that almost broke me in the end.

I heave a sigh as the melancholy tries to set in.

“Just so you know, I thought he was a cover at the reception. That’s what I told my wife, anyway. And I’m not telling Tamara that you’re straight. She’s got a thing about females being in the station.”

“She jealous?” I grin at his grunted response despite my exhaustion. I love pushing Leo’s buttons. I’m gonna miss the big lug when my schedule changes and I start fire recruit school.

“Nah. Not really. How’s your new roommate?” Leo changes the subject as we pass through downtown Senoma.

Twinkle lights still adorn the ornamental trees that the Main Street Committee insisted on years ago, interspersed between lampposts that hold potted hanging plants.

All is quiet in the wee hours of the morning as we pass Maggie’s bakery and Jules’s coffee shop.

For a heartbeat, I wonder what it would be like to work a regular day job instead of the hustle and bustle of public safety.

At least I’ll have a tiny taste of regular life during rookie school.

“Gus is as cantankerous as ever.”

“It’s working out? You living there?”

“I guess. The hardest part is making sure he’s eating right and taking his meds correctly. I can handle the attitude, mostly. At least the 911 calls have stopped. I really do think he was just lonely and calling us to help relieve that loneliness.”

“And what do you get out of it? Is it worth a free place to live having to put up with that attitude?”

I shrug. “It’ll help once my pay is reduced for the three months while I’m in class.” Not to mention giving me someone to focus on rather than wallow in my grief.

Leo says nothing as we pull into the station, then into our bay.

He’s solemn as he climbs out of the rig, so I follow him through the bay and into the locker area that stores the gear for the off-duty firefighters.

He’s never been one much for chatting about feelings, but there’s a weight to his silence this time.

I nearly stumble into him as he pauses before entering the living quarters section of the station, turning to face me.

“You’re really gonna go through with this rookie-school thing?” His glare holds me hostage while he searches for the lie.

Poor Leo. “Yeah, I am.” I soften the truth as much as I can.

He’s asked me at least once a shift since I told him I’m coming off rotation to attend fire recruit school.

And since we’re nearing my last two weeks of us being permanent partners, time seems to be speeding up.

I know these next two weeks are going to be bittersweet.

With his throat bobbing on a swallow, he mutters, “Guess I don’t get why you feel like you need to.”

I wish I knew too. How do you tell someone that where you are just isn’t enough? I don’t think he’d understand that I want more than this, especially when he loves this job. And I used to, but now I’m unfulfilled. There’s got to be more to life than this.

“I need a change, Leo. I’m tired of the endless calls where it feels like we’re not making a difference. At least on the fire side, it’s something other than running back and forth to the hospital. They get to actually help people.”

“And we don’t?” he counters.

“Doesn’t feel like it lately.” I wish he could understand where I’m coming from, but Leo’s been a medic for nearly twenty years and can’t comprehend why I want to try something different.

Plus, he has no idea of all that’s changed in my life in the last few months that led me to make this decision.

None of my crew know the whole story. “You gonna miss me?”

“No.” But it’s a little too quick and a touch too defensive.

Giving him a shoulder bump with mine, I rest my head on his thick arm for half a heartbeat. It’s the closest I can get to the hug I want to give him. “I’m not gonna miss you either. Now open this door. You need your beauty rest.”

Only five and a half shifts until I begin my next adventure. Maybe then life will feel like it means something again.