Chapter 11
11
SEPTEMBER 2013, DAY 94
I Feel You: Who was your first lover?
Cecilie sat in the library after closing on a Thursday night. She’d worked the morning shift, singing lullabies and lending books; spent an afternoon at the Hjornekafé, with just Gjertrud and Ole for company, and had come back to the library to help Fredrik lock up. Cecilie increasingly offered to help Fredrik lock up so she could talk to Hector on his lunch break. Now Fredrik had gone home to mindfulness and vegan Malbec with his girlfriend, so Cecilie sat in silence, staring at her screen. She typed:
Arctic Fox: Why do you ask?
She was shocked by Hector’s forthright question and looked around her to check no one could see over her shoulder in the empty library.
I Feel You: I want to know. It helps me draw you .
Arctic Fox: Draw me?
Yet again, Cecilie was disarmed by Hector’s honesty, and surprised by how relaxed she felt about answering his question. It had been a forbidden subject in her past. Talking about current relationships seemed to be forbidden too. But a wave of liberation made sparks fly as her fingers danced across the computer keypad.
Cecilie thought back to the music room at school. The sensation of hands brushing against each other as she sat next to him at a keyboard. Accusative looks from boys in registration. Envious glares from girls at the bus stop. An obsessed ex-girlfriend with a determined face. His ashen expression when he walked out of the principal’s office as Cecilie was summoned in. The shame her mother felt when the story went national.
Arctic Fox: His name was Mr Lind. Jonas. He was my music teacher at school.
Hector tried not to spit guacamole onto his sketching pad at his desk.
I Feel You: Your teacher? Wow.
Cecilie thought about her first time with her first lover. They’d been to see Walk the Line at the picture house and had walked back to his apartment with their hands in their pockets. He had so wanted to put his arm around her. She wanted to tear his jacket off. As soon as they’d closed the door behind them, Cecilie ran her fingers through Mr Lind’s messy quiff and kissed his thin lips frantically .
He was a good teacher. Passionate about music. Passionate about his job. As first lovers go, he was pretty wonderful.
Hector felt a stab of jealousy like he’d never known.
I Feel You: Did you fall in love with him?
Arctic Fox: Of course I did. It was a big deal. It got us both into a lot of trouble, so I wouldn’t have slept with him if I hadn’t loved him. I was a good girl, always reading, always playing my harp. Mr Lind was my first lover.
And my last.
Hector imagined a man with grey hair putting his hands on Cecilie, and wished he hadn’t asked. She continued typing.
Arctic Fox: He was 34, I was 17.
About the same age as me now. Puta madre…
Hector reimagined Mr Lind to look a little less grey, and let Cecilie carry on, glad for once that they weren’t talking on FaceTime.
Arctic Fox: But you can’t choose who you fall in love with, can you? We just had a connection. I felt it. In the music room, when he took me dancing. In his bed…
Cecilie wondered what Hector would make of this.
Hector pushed his lunch away and wiped his mouth on his arm.
I Feel You: What happened to him ?
Arctic Fox: He lost his job. Had to leave. He was disgraced. The story made the newspapers because my mum is kinda famous…
She wondered what Hector would make of that too, but carried on.
Arctic Fox: So he went travelling. To Thailand. To Cambodia. To Indonesia. I got the odd postcard, but it broke my heart.
I Feel You: Wow, I’m sorry.
Arctic Fox: Don’t be sorry, I’m glad it happened. And he’s married with little ones now and teaching in Oslo, so it’s all good.
Cecilie thought of the faded postcard in her harp case. A Buddhist temple with perforated stupas. A message saying she was worth losing his job for and he would love her forever.
Arctic Fox: What about you?
Hector couldn’t shake the feeling of nausea. He so wished he hadn’t asked. So he pretended he had a meeting to go to; he wasn’t as honest as Cecilie thought.
Cecilie felt maybe it was best she didn’t know anyway. It was hard enough trying to imagine the current girlfriend he barely talked about.
Hector didn’t tell Cecilie about the English girl who volunteered at the orphanage. How he had given the impression of being so much more worldly, but actually it was she who took his virginity, just before he broke her heart. How he feels bad when he remembers it. How he sometimes thinks about how the English girl’s life turned out.
I Feel You: Talk tomorrow, sorry, I have to go. Oscar’s busting my balls.
Arctic Fox: OK cool, you can tell me more about your drawings then…
I Feel You: Drawings?
Arctic Fox: Of me.
I Feel You: Oh, they’re beautiful. You’re easy to draw. I didn’t actually need to know about your first lover, I was just curious.
Hector couldn’t shake the image of a young Cecilie entwined with an older man, so he logged off and went to the water cooler to fill his plastic cup.
Cecilie typed ‘Goodbye’, with a familiar urge to do something forbidden.