Under the Texas Sky

CHAPTER 22

TRENT

Journal Entry- Day 365

Hi Freckles

It’s been three hundred and sixty-five days, two hours, and thirty-seven minutes since the moment I realized you were gone.

Time is a finicky thing. Because while it seems like it was just yesterday you walked away, the pain reverberates in my bones every moment I have to exist without you. How can I ever recover from losing a love like ours?

There’s no right answer. No one way or another makes the most sense. I can’t live without you, but I can’t live with you either. Everything is black & white, there’s no gray. No color. My life has never been bleaker without you bursting into rooms. A bright ray of sunshine on a cloudy day and spreading happiness that costs nothing but is worth millions.

Mitch doesn’t talk to me, not like he used to. And that’s my fault. Because one day, after long hours out in the sun, the only thing I wanted to do was come home and relax. I sat down on the couch by him, like so many times before.

He slipped your name into a conversation and I lost it.

I locked myself in the bedroom for four days. I was perfectly fine to wither away and leave nothing of me on this earth except my bones.

He wouldn’t let me.

I understand it. It’s the same concern you had. Worrying about finding me dead. But I’m selfish, I always have been. I always will be. I can accept that now. I’ve always seen it, but I’ve never taken the steps to work on it.

I’m working on it now. It’s too little too late, and I know writing this in my journal is a coward's way out, but these pages hold words that I can never speak out loud.

Maybe one day, our love will come together again. Until that day, our love will live in between these pages, holding on to hope that’s foolish to have.

I can’t move on from you.

I won’t.

You’re it for me.

In this life and every life I live.

You’re the stars in my universe. Shining so bright, but always out of reach. And by the time I see you in the sky, you’re already burnt out.

You were mine once and I was yours. I’ll still always support you and your dreams. You always deserved more than this town had to offer, more than I had to offer. Watching your social media is hard, but I do it anyway. I watch your life from the sidelines. Enjoying the scenic views of the oceans and mountains and old architecture. Your whole life is an adventure now.

Sometimes I dream that I’m standing behind the camera. Snapping pictures of you from every angle, making sure the sunlight highlights those freckles I love so much.

It hurts.

But as long as you’re loving life, I can stand being able to watch you and never have you. Because any piece I can get is better than nothing.

There’s so many things I could say to you–that I want to say.

The main one is, I’m sorry. I was dumb, an idiot, whatever name you want to call me. I should have done better. I should have been better.

I don’t blame you for leaving. I never did. I hated that it came to that, but I never hated you.

I miss you.

I miss the way that, when you first wake up in the morning, you smack your lips and slowly crack your eyes open.

I miss the way you scrunch your nose when a song comes on the radio that you don’t like.

I miss when you would lay on the couch, under a heated blanket no matter how hot it was outside, and watch reruns of old TV shows. I especially miss when you would randomly quote them in conversations with me and roll your eyes when I didn’t understand it.

I miss the dimple in your chin when you would smile, and the sound of your laugh when I would tell you how much I want to bite it.

I miss you, so fucking much.

My dependence on alcohol had nothing on my dependence for you. I’m living without alcohol now. I have been since that day I showed up at Mitch’s with my overnight bag. That night was one I will regret for the rest of my life. And I never want a repeat of it. Without it, I’m a better person. A better worker. A better friend. I might never get the chance to prove it to you, but that’s okay. I made my bed, and now I’m forced to lie in it, with the ghost of you.

I love you. Yesterday. Today. Always.

Yours forever,

Trent.