CHAPTER 34
KIAN
That mother-freaking-trucker. I yank at the hair at the nape of my neck, relying on the bite of pain to keep me grounded so I don’t blow a gasket right now.
To see the two of them together was worse than anything I imagined. It’s not rational, I know that. Because I’m the one that left, and he moved on with his life. But even knowing that doesn’t help the dark pit brewing inside of me.
I want to take a baseball bat to every piece of glass in this hotel so I don’t have to see myself. Because the thought of looking myself in the face and admitting I’ve lost everything is too much to bear.
Klaus is trying to hold my hand, but I keep pulling away from him. I don’t want him to touch me right now. I want him to go back to wherever the hell he came from and leave me alone to cry in peace. Because that’s what I want to do. I want to get in the shower and let the water cascade over me so I can sob without the fear of other people seeing me crumble.
We were supposed to have reservations for this quaint restaurant downtown, but as soon as the car pulls into the pick up lane for me and Klaus, I can’t get in it.
I can’t go back up to the room either, because Willow is there. Doing whatever she does to keep herself entertained. Or I could…
“Wait in the car,” I tell Klaus. He looks like he wants to argue, but then he must think better of it, because he gets in without a word. I pull my phone out of my pocket to call Willow.
“What’s up?” she answers, and I can hear the TV going in the background.
“Can you get ready quickly and go to dinner with Klaus?”
The TV pauses and I can hear her rustling around the room. “Of course I can, what’s going on?”
The concern in her voice makes my chest ache. For all the times we butt heads, she really is my best friend.
“I saw Trent,” I say, and she gasps loudly. Then it’s silent. I pull my phone back from my face to make sure I didn’t accidentally hang up on her. “Are you there?” Silence. “Um–”
“I’m here, I’m here,” she says. “I was just having a minor freakout and didn’t want to stress you out more. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here with you?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. We already made the reservations, and there’s a charge if you miss it. I don’t want to waste the money,” I tell her.
It’s not about the money at all, though. I could not give less of a crap if I lost out on a hundred dollars because I didn’t show up to eat overpriced small dishes. But I need them both out so I can have my own crisis without listening ears.
She comes downstairs, bringing with her a whirlwind of pink and vanilla perfume. She looks gorgeous, but she knows that. She always does.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks. “I can stay with you and we can watch old movies and order snacks from room service.” She pushes a strand of her blond hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ears where the expensive diamonds I got her for Christmas are sitting pretty.
“I’m sure, go! Have a good time. I just need a little time to myself,” I say, mustering a sad smile.
She wraps me in her arms, holding me tight. “Call me if you need me, and I’ll leave. I don’t care if it’s the middle of one of Klaus’ annoying stories.” She winks, because we both know how he is. As soon as he starts talking about himself, good luck changing the subject to something else.
“I will, love you.”
I press a kiss to her cheek, and she presses one to mine. Then Willow waits for the chauffeur to open the door to the car before she steps outside.
Time to go wallow in pity by myself.
???
The whiskey doesn’t even burn anymore as it goes down my throat.
I took the first shot as soon as I got back to the room, and it went downhill from there. At least the liquid quenches my desire to do something crazy. Like go ask what room Trent is in, and demand him to leave his boyfriend and take me back.
But what do I have to offer him now? It’s like we’ve traded places. I resent myself every day, feeling the pressure of the outside world to always be “on.” The happy persona I’ve been building since I left Texas is crumbling under my feet. I’m not happy. I’m not this person that people think they know because they’ve seen pictures of my dick on the internet.
I’m the same scared kid I was in high school, but in an adult’s body. I’m constantly worried about what’s going to come next. How I’m going to keep living like this, when it gets so hard to breathe sometimes that it feels like my lungs are submerged in tar.
I worry about Mitch and if he hates me. He should, because I left without a goodbye or even a thank you for all he did for me. If it hadn’t been for him, me and Trent wouldn’t have made it out of that car. We were barely hanging on by a thread. Mitch was there to grab that thread, and protect it by weaving other threads around it.
But now I’ve pulled those threads until they’ve frayed, and there’s nothing connecting us anymore.
I want to hate him, though, for never reaching out to me. He never once called to check on me, to see how I was doing or if I was still alive. How could he claim to love me so much and never talk to me again?
Is it hypocritical since I have his and Trent’s numbers blocked? Probably. But they could have tried other avenues of communication.
I tug on the hair at the nape of my neck, hoping the bite of pain can stabilize the emotions coursing through me.
Trent is a whole different story, but somehow I always come back to him. No matter how hard I try to push him to the back of my mind, he’s always there like a headache that never goes away.
Trent and his stupid brown eyes that looked golden when we woke up and the sunlight reflected off them.
Trent and his stupid new tattoos that definitely do not make him more attractive.
Trent and how he would hold me tight, even after we would fight, and he would wipe my tears and reassure me that we were okay. That we would always be okay. That we would always be together.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
I wish I never pushed him away that day.
I wish I had let him comfort me.
I wish I never saw that video.
We would still be together, living in our own house by Mitch’s, and taking our kids over there to visit. But that’s not how life works. Life isn’t pretty, and not everyone gets a happily ever after.
I’m one of the people that don’t get a happily ever after. Because while Trent is building his new life with his new boyfriend, I’ll be stuck thinking over the “what ifs” until the day I’m lowered into the ground.