CHAPTER 37
TRENT
Our bags are packed and propped by the door while Hunter and I eat one last room service meal. The eggs are rubbery, the bacon is burnt, and my heart is still breaking in my chest no matter how much I try to pretend that it isn’t.
I stare at Hunter while he spreads grape jelly on his toast. Kian never liked grape jelly. He always preferred strawberry. But he never ate toast either, opting for peanut butter and jelly. How many times did I lick the peanut butter off his lips before pressing my lips to his? Too many times to count.
Fuck, I cannot start comparing everything Hunter does to Kian, but that’s all I’ve done since I walked out of that suite last night.
Hunter was already in bed. And when I slid in beside him, still wearing the clothes from dinner, he didn’t say anything. He cuddled up to me, putting his head in my neck, and went right back to sleep. I’m waiting for him to ask me what happened, to accuse me, to yell at me. Just something , because I can’t take this silence anymore.
The only reason our bags are packed is because Hunter woke up before me. I woke up to a knock at the door, the hotel worker bringing us food that Hunter ordered. Both of our bags were packed and waiting, like an omen or some shit.
I should have said something then, as we still have two more nights here. But it’s obvious that I’m the only one who cares about staying here and not going back to the real world. Because the real world, the world in which I go back to Texas, doesn’t include Kian.
I’m so fucking pathetic. I really thought I could move on and love someone else? That’s not possible for me. The only person who’s ever been for me has been Kian. He’s my soulmate. My other half. The only person I want to wake up next to. The only person who I write love notes for.
I look down at my arm, the sleeve of tattoos mocking me every moment I’m alive. Random black line art mixed with memories of me and Kian. A sunset scene from a beach. A bouquet of flowers. A sun, a moon, and stars against a black background. The outline of Texas. A pair of eyes with slanted eyebrows, exactly how Kian would look at me when he was riding shotgun in my car. A million little moments inked into my skin to remind me of all that I’ve lost.
It’s not fair to Hunter. I’ve never been fair to Hunter, no matter how pure my intentions were.
I open my mouth to say something, anything. No words come out. Hunter looks up from his toast, probably hearing me trying to form words and failing miserably.
“Just the truth, remember,” he remarks, and he’s not upset. He’s… skeptical? No, that’s not the word I’m looking for. He looks like he’s bracing himself for something. But for what? For me to tell him I cheated on him? He probably would think that with my track record.
“I didn’t cheat on you,” I say, my eyes staying firmly on him, trying to get him to believe me.
“Okay.”
“I don’t…” I trail off, because I don’t know what to say. “I’m sorry,” is what I finally decide on. But sorry is starting to feel like a filler word with how often I say it. That’s the shitty thing about that two syllable word: it’s the only one I can say, but it can’t truly capture how gutted I feel right now.
“I know you are.”
“I still love him,” I whisper under my breath. Because that’s mine and Hunter’s agreement, only the truth. No matter how fucking bad it hurts.
His sharp inhale cuts through the silence, and I let the ache settle into my heart.
I’m taking a big risk here, choosing to go for the wild and crazy love. Not the stable love that relies on the truth and understanding. I’m a bit of a masochist, wanting to put myself through the same thing again. But Kian is it for me.
“Wow, um–” He clears his throat and tries to subtly wipe at his eyes. I want to reach across the table and comfort him. I want to take him in my arms and take the words back. But I can’t, no matter how much it hurts both of us. “The reason I packed our bags is because I thought you cheated on me. But I think it’s worse knowing that you’re in love with him, but here with me.”
“He doesn’t want me. Not anymore.” My sullen tone is like a sad song on repeat.
“I don’t think that’s true, and I doubt you truly believe that.” He’s upset, but still trying to be reasonable for my sake.
“What else can I believe? I can’t get my hopes up, only to be let down.”
“That’s the thing about love, sometimes you don’t know what’s going to happen. You just have to take that chance.”
“I’m scared,” I admit.
He comes around the table and wraps me in his arms, holding me tightly to his chest. “I know you are, but you’ll make it.” He strokes my hair, and the touch is so sweet it makes the tears flow faster down my face. He should be the one crying. I’m the one breaking his heart. And he’s comforting me. Because that’s who he is, an amazing human who deserves so much more than what I can give him.
“You deserve someone who would steal the sun because they don’t want anything to outshine you,” I say.
His smile is sad. “Would you do that for Kian?”
I would. I absolutely would. I want to steal the sun, the moon, and the stars. Kian is the brightest thing in this world and needs to be worshiped. I don’t need to answer out loud. We both know.
We stay like that, both of us soaking in the last few moments of our time together.
“Can we still be friends?” I ask in a small voice, when he goes to pull away from me.
“Not right now, Trent.”
My heart drops, but I nod. I respect him and his decisions, and no matter how badly I want to keep him in my life, he doesn’t need that.
The thought of upsetting him, his parents, Mitch, everyone, makes my stomach feel queasy. I hate letting people down, but I really hate letting Hunter go after everything we’ve been through.
He held my hand and asked me how my meetings were going. He made me dinner, and we watched new action movies every Friday night. What we had going for us was amazing, but for some reason it just wasn’t enough.
I know one day he’s going to find someone who loves him how he needs to be loved. And when that day comes, I hope I can still be in his life as his friend.