23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Reactions to pregnancy announcements can be varied, to say the least.”
A Young Woman’s Guide to the Joy of Impending Motherhood
Dr. Francine Pascal Reid (1941)
“ W hat the hell?” Morgan breathed as soon as she ushered me downstairs. “You’ve been holding out on me, Case.”
″It was just that one time,” I muttered, sinking into the couch. I felt sick, really, truly, physically sick. That did not go as I’d planned, in fact, how could I have possibly planned something like that—me getting pregnant by J.B., of all people? Who could have ever expected that to happen?
Obviously not J.B. or myself.
″When?” Morgan goggled at me. She sat down beside me, and before I could say anything, gave me a sharp slap on the arm. “That’s for not telling me earlier.”
″Ow. You can’t hit me—I’m pregnant,” I complained.
″Yes, you are!” she said gleefully, this time pulling me into a hug. “You’re pregnant! You’re having a baby! Oh, Casey, I’m so happy for you! Are you—are you maybe a little happy?” she asked when she pulled away and noticed my eyes were filled with tears. “Oh, Casey. It’s what you’ve always wanted.”
″But not like this,” I sniffed. “I thought if I ever told a guy I was pregnant, he’d be happy and excited, just like me. Or I thought lately, there wouldn’t be anyone to tell. I didn’t think it would be J.B. and he’d be so pissed with me!”
″He’s just upset. You kind of surprised him.”
″You think?” I asked bitterly. “Am I not as surprised as he is?”
″Yes, but you wanted this, and it was the last thing J.B. ever expected, so of course there might be a difference in the reactions. But I’m sure once he gets his head around it, he’ll be fine,” Morgan assured me. “He’s just freaked out.”
″And suddenly you know him so well?”
″Well, no, but we did talk a lot last night,” Morgan admitted. “When he came home, I was still awake, and we had a drink and talked. That’s all, just talk. And mostly about you.”
″Well, that won’t happen again. I’m sure J.B. won’t want to hear anything to do with me for a while.” I got up to start stalking across the room. “And he won’t be going anywhere near me with a ten-foot pole, not that I want him to. Asking if it’s really his! Asshole!” I kicked at the couch as I stomped by.
″That was rude, and I’m not taking his side, but you really blew him out of the water—and it’s not like you haven’t been involved with anyone else. He doesn’t know who you sleep with, does he? As far as he’s concerned, you might have been doing the nasty with Mike all along instead of waiting like a good little girl, and well, there’s David. You’ve been so closemouthed about that even I don’t know what’s going on there.”
I stared at Morgan with disbelief that she could consider David as the dad, but then I remembered I hadn’t told her that David is gay, or any of the other stuff. But now wasn’t the time to get into that.
″I’m sorry I thought you slept with J.B.,” I told her instead.
″Well, now I can see why you got so upset,” Morgan laughed. “I would have ripped your head off if the situation was reversed.”
″I overreacted, and I’m sorry.” I suddenly dropped back onto the couch beside her. “Still be my friend?”
She threw her arm around me. “Of course. But you still have to tell me when it happened.”
″It was after Ethan’s wedding when I caught Mike. I got drunk; I got upset—”
″You got laid. It’s completely understandable.”
″Yes, but it was the wrong person!” I laid my head back against the couch. “Even though I don’t know who the right person is. ”
Morgan put her head on my shoulder. “But that doesn’t matter now, does it? You’re pregnant! Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
Not five minutes after Morgan left, I heard the sounds of Cooper’s footsteps coming down the stairs. Emma wasn’t with him, so this must be serious. Was he going to read me the riot act, kick me out, call me an irresponsible slut who took advantage of his best friend, or most shockingly of all, be happy for me?
“Please tell me…” Cooper began helplessly, standing in the doorway. Obviously, J.B. had gotten to him first.
I shrugged. “What do you want me to say?” I had a horrible feeling I was going to lose Cooper because of this.
″It’s true? You’re really pregnant? And J.B.—he’s really the father?”
″Given his reaction to the news, I really don’t want to call him that,” I said coolly. “But, yes, it was J.B. who got me pregnant, despite what he may think.”
″What’s that supposed to mean? He thinks he got you pregnant, and he’s flipping out.”
″Good for him.”
″Hang on a sec; I don’t think I got the whole story. Casey, what’s going on?”
″Ask the guy whose ejaculation accidentally impregnated me.” And then, of course, I began to cry again.
″C’mon,” Coop said, holding out his arms.
″No. I don’t want you to take sides, because then you’ll take J.B.’s. I don’t want you stuck in the middle.”
″I’m not going to be stuck anywhere.” He reached forward and pulled me into a hug. “I’m just going to congratulate you. You are pregnant, aren’t you? And this is what you wanted, isn’t it? So you should be celebrating, not crying. J.B.’ll come around soon enough.”
By the time I showered away the traces of tears, the phone was ringing. “Morgan just called me. How could you possibly let yourself get pregnant at a time like this, when you’re going to be so occupied by my wedding?” Brit raged. Her irritation at my news came across the phone lines loud and clear. “You’re maid of honour, did you forget? That’s a huge responsibility, did you forget? How are you supposed to give your position the energy it deserves when all you’ll be thinking about is baby names and throwing up all the time? And if you dare throw up anywhere in the vicinity of my wedding dress, so help you, Casey Samms, you’ll wish—who’s the father anyway?”
″J.B.”
″Really.” There was a blessed pause as she took in the news. “Well, at least you’ll have a pretty good chance of having a good-looking kid with him as the daddy.”
Emma gave me quite a few hugs and told me tearfully she was so happy for me. Also that J.B. would eventually grow up, but I might have to wait a little bit for that. She told me not to give up hope.
″How could you possibly not realize you’re already pregnant?” David asked with amazement when I met him a couple of days later.
″How could you not know you were gay when we were together?” I shot back. “It’s not like my egg throws a party in my uterus after she’s attacked or something.”
David pursed his lips in an attempt not to smile. “Sarcasm. That’s new.”
″So is me being pregnant.” I laid my forehead down on the table beside my glass of cranberry juice. No vodka for me for a while. So much for me easing off gently. It’s cold-turkey time now. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
I honestly couldn’t believe things had worked out this way. All I ever wanted was to be pregnant, and now that I was, I couldn’t even be excited since absolutely no one I cared about was happy for me. Oh, sure, Cooper and Emma and Morgan said they were pleased, but I knew all three of them were totally blown away that the baby was J.B.’s.
And now David—who, being the sweet guy he is, was putting on a pretty good show—I knew I’d disappointed him as well.
It was a week after he’d asked me to have his baby and five days since the pregnancy test that rocked my world. When I called and asked David to meet me tonight, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him over the phone that I was already pregnant. But seeing his face trying so hard to mask his anticipation was even worse.
I fully expected to have my hormones all out of whack being pregnant. I’d heard tons of horror stories and read even more in all the pregnancy books I own, which I now had a right to read. But I felt like a ping-pong ball all the time—I wanted to giggle, laugh with delight, cry with relief one minute, and the next I was about ready to scream with frustration. I didn’t want J.B. to get me pregnant. I thought in time J.B. would prove to be an amazing father, but not now. Maybe when he was ready and willing to grow up a bit, but not now. I so wished it wasn’t him. I felt like he’d ruined everything for me. And then I felt like I should be grateful to him for getting me pregnant, and then I got all confused. It had been a bad week.
″I thought this is what you wanted.” David sounded confused.
″I did. I do.” I sat up. “But not like this. J.B. won’t speak to me—he’s convinced I got pregnant on purpose to screw him over. Brit keeps moaning about how her wedding will be ruined with a pregnant bridesmaid. I told her I’ll only be three months and probably won’t even show, but she hates me too.”
″Poor Casey. But I still don’t understand how you didn’t know,” David repeated. “I mean, you must have known there was a chance of this happening, right?”
I shrugged. “I just never thought. I’m on the pill, but sometimes I forget to take it. And we used a condom.”
″Well, then I have to ask, are you sure it’s J.B.’s?”
I nodded reluctantly. “It has to be his. He was the only one I—let’s just say it’s been a while. And the condom we used—let’s just say it was laying around for a little longer than it should have been.”
″How long?”
“I had two in my bedside drawer. The one that was leftover had an expiration date of 2019 on it,” I admitted, shamefaced.
“You haven’t had sex since 2019!” David exclaimed a little too loudly for my liking.
″No! I said a while, meaning about four months. I don’t normally bring my boyfriends back to my place,” I told David. “And I can’t believe I’m talking about my sex life with you of all people.”
″I think I’m the perfect person,” David grinned at me. “I know all the ins and outs, but have no desire to rediscover any of them.”
″Thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel good.” I made a face at him, and he laughed .
″Seriously, though, Casey, what are you going to do?” David asked, with his brown eyes full of concern.
″Seriously? I’m going to have a baby!” I raised my glass of juice. “And poopy on anyone who doesn’t like it.”
″Real mature,” David grinned, but he clinked his glass against mine.
″I’m sorry,” I told him. “I feel like that’s all I’ve been saying since I found out. I’m sorry it wasn’t you.”
″Me too,” he admitted.
″I think I was okay with the idea. I was still getting my head around it… but I think it would have worked. But now…”
″Maybe things work out for the best,” David mused.
″I can’t see this being the best.”
″I mean me.” He took a drink of his beer. “Marco called me the other day.”
″Marco? Italian Stallion Marco?”
″The one and only. He wants me to come and visit. He says he misses me. I told him I wasn’t sure. I thought I might be needed here.”
″Because of me. And now you’re off the hook, so you can be together!” In a strange way, the news made me feel better. Oh, not altogether better, because there was the twinge of thinking of David with a man, even an Italian stallion named Marco, and the surge of self-pity of being reminded how everyone in the world, including my gay ex-boyfriend, could find someone to love, but it did make me feel better about disappointing David. I didn’t feel so bad about that now.
″Well, not exactly.” David leaned across the table and took my hand. “Even though it wouldn’t be my baby, I’d still be willing to raise it with you. If you wanted me to, that is. If things don’t work out with you and J.B.”
″I don’t think things are going to work out,” I said, my eyes filling with sudden tears. “You’d, you’d do that? You’d want to do that?”
″I would.”
“You must really want a baby!” The burst of laughter wasn’t appropriate but gurgled out of me.
″I do. But I also care a great deal about you.”
″But it’s been so long since we…”
″It doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you. You care about me, don’t you? Enough to consider having a child with me, right? Same goes for me. ”
″Wow.” I surveyed David across the table. “I really let a good one get away. But I guess not so good, considering the whole homosexual aspect.” I gave my head a shake. “Why does it have to be so complicated?”
″It doesn’t need to be. If you need me, I’m there for you.”
I sat there holding David’s hand and considered this. I recalled J.B.’s anger and Morgan’s shock and Cooper’s surprise and thought how warm David’s hand was and how nice it would be to have someone on my side.
But it didn’t feel right. J.B. might not want this baby, but the fact remained that it was his baby and I couldn’t see him being okay with another man raising it. He might not be okay with the situation now, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t come around someday.
I had to believe that.
I didn’t want the fairy tale—I don’t need that. I know what J.B. is like, and I know he doesn’t want the happily ever after. And even if he did, he might not want it with me. So I’m not expecting anything from him. But it might be nice if he would acknowledge the baby as his, and maybe love it a little. Obviously not as much as I love it—because this thing hanging out in my uterus may only be a collection of fast-multiplying cells, but I, wow, I already love it a whole bunch. So there’s no way of anyone else’s love even beginning to eclipse it, but it might be nice if J.B. could possibly begin to love it. Her. Or him.
So I gave David’s hand a squeeze. “You should go see Marco,” I told him quietly. “See what happens there.”
″So you think J.B. will change his mind?”
I shrugged. “I have no idea. But it is his baby. Maybe if I like the whole being pregnant thing a lot, you could come back and knock me up!” I joked. David gave a weak smile. “But I think I should just see how things go.”
″Let me know if you change your mind,” was how David left it.
I think I’m making the right decision, even though it scares me to think of raising a child alone. But then I remind myself that’s what I was signing up to do had I gone ahead with the anonymous donor route. It’ll just be like that, just with a different father. A father I know quite well, but who doesn’t seem to want to know me any longer.