27. Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Fathers often express apprehension over the impending baby. Some may even appear to resent the changes the baby will force them to make. But any anxiety or resentment the new fathers may be feeling will undoubtedly disappear when they are able to hold their newborn child in their arms.”
A Young Woman’s Guide to the Joy of Impending Motherhood
Dr. Francine Pascal Reid (1941)
D avid came over the next Saturday afternoon to say goodbye before leaving for Italy. I was feeling very ambivalent about the whole thing. Of course, I wanted David to be happy and I was so glad that he’d found someone to love, but there was a teeny tiny part of me that was still bitter that it was not me he was in love with. Getting back with David had been a huge recurring dream for years. And then he walked into my life like he did? I could have easily believed it was fate, but then he had to go throw a wrench into it with the whole gay thing. And not only the gay thing, but the Italian lover named Marco that he’s willing to move all the way to Italy for. It’s not fair, but these days it seems like nothing is, so I just have to deal with it.
“So what happens if it works out with you and Marco—when, sorry,” I asked David as I was saying goodbye to him after his visit. “When you decide you have to be together, and there’s no way either of you can stand being apart for one more single day? What are you going to do then? Move to Italy? ”
″Casey, the romantic,” David teased. “We’ll have to see what happens.”
″I never thought I’d be living vicariously through you,” I laughed.
″Bet you never saw this one coming. But, look, I’m so happy we hooked up again. Having you back in my life means a lot to me. It’s really the only thing that’s giving me second thoughts about going and giving Marco another shot. Part of me wishes I would just stay put in the city and take care of you.” David gave me a wistful smile, his brown eyes looking sad.
″That’s sweet, David, but I’m not about to be an excuse. If there’s even the slightest chance you can be happy with Marco, then you have to give it a try. I would never forgive myself if you didn’t go because of me.”
″I know, but I feel bad leaving you—alone and pregnant…”
″And almost thirty-six years old and perfectly capable of taking care of myself, even if I don’t know when I ovulate. Really, I’d love to have you looking out for me, but I really think that might lead to some unsuitable feelings on my part.” I smiled at him to take the sting out of my words. “Really, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Just concentrate on wooing.” I gave a visible shudder, and David laughed. “Can’t get used to that image yet—I’m trying, though. You go woo Marco. And tell me how it goes.”
″You, too,” David urged as he gave me a hug.
″Who am I wooing?”
″Keep me posted about the baby,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Things aren’t finished with you and the big guy, so let me know what’s happening there.”
I rolled my own eyes. “Whatever.” It had been three weeks since I’d found out I was pregnant, and I had to assume J.B. was still trying to get his head around the idea of being a father. It was like he’d gone into hiding. I’d hardly said two words to him since that night he proposed. Not that it could be considered a real proposal. Did I regret turning J.B. down? No way. I know I did the right thing. I’m not sure others will think that, which is why I’ve kept it so quiet.
″So you haven’t said what’s going to happen? Will Marco come back here?” I asked hopefully, not wanting to get into a discussion about J.B.
David shook his head ruefully. “I doubt it. I think if there’s any relocating to do, it’s up to me to be doing it. But I’ll go over and see what happens, and then come back and sort things out if I need to.”
″I’m going to miss you,” I told him sadly .
″Me too.” He wiped a hand under his eyes. “God, this is worse than breaking up with you the first time. You can come visit, you know. We can go to Lake Cuomo and stalk George Clooney together.”
″Sounds great,” I sniffed.
David gave me another hug. “I’ve got to go, or I’ll never have time to finish packing. Walk me to my car?”
When we opened the door to the hot July afternoon, I felt my stomach clench. But it was not nausea this time—J.B. was in the driveway playing basketball with three of his friends. I didn’t know how I’d missed the steady thunk-thunk of the ball or loud male voices as they continually ribbed each other. I don’t think I would have been so eager to walk David to his car if I had known they were out here.
″Hey, Casey,” Ben, one of J. B.’s friends, called out as soon as he saw me come out the door. But it was nothing like the usual exuberant greeting I got from him. The other two—Clay and Will—said hello, but they also seemed unnaturally subdued.
″How’s it going?” Clay said, but his eyes trailed back to J.B. before I could answer. J.B., of course, hadn’t said a word. He didn’t even look at me. I watched as he took a shot and felt partially vindicated when it bounced off the rim.
″Hey, guys,” I said weakly. It was awkward just standing there, so David took my hand and led me across the lawn to the street, where his car was parked. If he hadn’t, I think I might still be standing there in the doorway.
″They didn’t even talk to me,” I said softly to David. “They always talk to me. I know those guys; I like them and I thought they liked me, but if they’re treating me like a pariah—”
″He told them he got you pregnant,” David said under his breath as soon as we were out of earshot. “They don’t know how to act, because it’s clear he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”
″Well, that’s obvious.” Damn this—I was close to tears. Being shot down like that hurt more than I thought was possible. I was so mad at myself for letting it bother me. It was so much easier just being mad at J.B.
″No, it’s obvious that J.B.’s going to come around if he’s telling his friends about it,” David said reasonably. “If he wasn’t, you’d be his dirty little secret, and he wouldn’t have said two words about it to them.”
″Maybe I don’t want to be anything to him,” I said stoutly. “I don’t need him. ”
″No, you don’t, but it’s going to be hard telling your heart that. Poor Casey,” David said, wrapping his arms around me. “Poor, pregnant, little Casey.”
″I’m not going to be little for long.” I hugged him tightly in return.
″Take pictures. I can’t wait to see the belly.”
I stood on the curb waving until David drove out of sight. Then I stood there for another few minutes, getting up my courage to walk past the gaggle of hot, sweaty men playing two on two in the driveway. I prepared myself to be shot down by J.B.’s icy glare.
It was just my luck that the basketball got loose and rolled toward the street as I was walking up to the house. I stopped it with my foot and picked it up. Ben came loping up to get it from me.
″Hey,” he said with a warm smile. “How’s it going?”
″Good,” I said stiffly. I passed the ball over to him.
″That your new boyfriend?” he asked with a frown. “I thought…”
“No, that’s David. He’s just a friend. He’s leaving for Italy, so he came to say goodbye…” I trailed off, uncertain of why I was explaining things to Ben. Ben’s a nice guy and I’ve known him for a few years, but it was silly to think he was concerned with my life.
“Ball, dude!” Will called to him. Ben passed him the basketball but remained beside me.
″Look, Casey, J.B. told us that…” He grinned sheepishly at me. “How’re you feeling?”
″Not great,” I told him truthfully.
“Yeah, Maura was sick a lot, too, in the beginning,” he commiserated. He’s been married for almost ten years, and he and his wife have two little boys. “It’ll get better.”
″I can only hope.”
″Listen, she sent over a bunch of books for you to read,” Ben said in a low voice. “All that getting-ready-for-baby stuff that scared the shit out of me when she made me look at them. But I’m sure they’ll be helpful for you.”
″Thanks, Ben, that’s really sweet of you.” I was so touched at the gesture I didn’t tell him I probably already owned most of the books published on the subject. “Thank Maura for me.”
″No prob. And Casey, take care of yourself.” Ben smiled at me before rejoining the game.
I was almost to the door before J.B. deigned to speak to me. “What did he want?” he said in a voice reminiscent of a growling dog. I almost snapped back with a none of your business, jerk-off, but then I decided to be polite.
“David? He’s leaving for Italy, so he came to say goodbye. I don’t know when he’ll be back. I don’t know when I’ll see him again.”
″Oh.” J.B. looked taken aback. “I thought you and he—”
″No, it was never going to work out. We’re just friends. He’s gay—now,” I told him needlessly, unsure of why I was telling him this when I could barely tolerate speaking to him.
″What?” J.B. goggled. “You’re kidding!” The others had resumed the game, obviously trying to give us privacy.
″Things obviously change in twelve years. You told me that.”
″But I thought—you said—” J.B. stammered. I couldn’t look into his eyes, afraid to see whether there was still anger there, so I stared at his chest instead. His broad, muscular chest covered by the grey T-shirt with the sweaty patches sticking to him. Most of his hair was tied back in a stubby ponytail. Even hot and sweaty, J.B. is still a helluva good-looking guy. It makes me feel that even if David weren’t gay, he wouldn’t have stood a chance.
″I guess I was wrong,” I told him stiffly.
″I thought you were together. That he was going to—the whole baby thing…” J.B. was saying.
“He asked me to have his baby,” I explained slowly. “And I might have done it, but then it was too late. I was already pregnant. So now he’s going to Italy to try to make it work with the man he loves. He’s disappointed because he does want a baby—and a baby with me. And I’m still pregnant, whether you want to acknowledge that fact or not. Have fun with your game,” I told him shortly and continued into the house.
I forgot all about the books Ben’s wife sent over for me until the next day, but when I looked in the hallway where I assumed J.B. put them, they were nowhere to be found.