Unlearning

CHAPTER 13

January 2017

Samantha, age 27

“Can I at least unpack first?” I eyed him impatiently. I’d just gotten back from Christmas break and I hadn't even had a chance to shower off the airport grossness before I was dragged into the Alpha's office. James was being weird.

“No, this can't wait.”

“Come on, has the place fallen apart after I've been gone for two weeks? There couldn't have been that much paperwork over the holidays!”

“It's not work,” on hearing that, I sat down immediately.

“What is it? Did something happen? Oh God - ”

“Samantha.”

I stopped speaking.

“I want to... ask you something.” I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Next time we go to Crescent City, would you go out on a date with me?”

We were both silent for a while. I couldn't say that I'd seen this coming. Things had been changing between James and I for several months now, and it wasn’t like I hadn't secretly hoped for something like this, but I'd like to know more about what his reasoning was.

“Why?”

“Why should you go out with me or why am I asking you out?”

“Why are you asking me out?” I clarified.

He leaned back in his chair, his interlaced fingers resting on his stomach. He then tilted his head back and looked up to the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought.

“I've kind of liked you for a while now – I mean, what's not to like? You are kind, highly intelligent and capable, funny, enthusiastic about many things that I am also passionate about, me and my wolf both love spending time with you, and last but not least I am insanely attracted to you,” here he smiled and looked at me again. “The two of us also have a realistic chance of being in a long-term relationship with each other although we’re not fated, if we are both interested and if it turns out we are compatible. You have to admit that is rare for our kind. I would like to explore that further. I know it's not an easy thing, and I know some of your rules about dating shifters but I was kind of hoping you can see how I don't exactly fit into your widower category.”

I thought on this a bit, and realized he was right. And I loved that he was being frank and laying out all his reasons for me to analyze. But at the same time I was worried that this was a practical, rational decision on his end, born purely due to our circumstances.

“While that may be true, it sounds somewhat cold when you say it like that. I worry that this is some sort of marriage of convenience arrangement.”

James had heard me discuss romance novels enough to know exactly what I meant.

“Samantha, my job is managing the administrative side of these Parks, I should not be going on patrol or doing rounds, and yet how often have I gone with you since you've started working here?”

“About twice a week,” I blushed. I suddenly understood Carter's teasing.

“And how convenient is it that we’re always together on patrol? When you're not paired with mated wolves or females, that is. It's almost as if I was the one in charge of scheduling these things and I loved spending most of my time with you,” he smiled smugly, like the cat who got the cream.

“Okay, I get it, I feel really stupid now for not finding that suspicious by the way,” I frowned, and I meant it. But I wanted to deal with one thing at a time. “You know you can never mark me though? Unless... you know, death of certain people occurs,” I grimaced.

“I'm 35 years old, Samantha, I know what I want, and I've had enough time to consider this from every possible angle. Since I was 18 years old, I haven't been able to even fantasize about the idea of a happy long term relationship with a she-wolf. I've always considered it impossible and unattainable. I would happily be with you if you allow me, mark or no mark. Plus, you can mark me,” here he smirked, smirked ! at me. “I would proudly wear your mark, and it would probably trigger some half-bond for us anyway.”

He had nothing but clear honesty and determination on his face. I, however, was lost in a whirlwind of questions and concerns. He seemed to sense my conflicting thoughts and added: ”I won't lie to you, I am also terrified of starting something like this. I've wanted to ask you out so many times, but my ultimate hang up has always been that you have a mate out there, one who can change his mind and come back groveling, trying to get you back. He has something that I can never offer you, and you leaving me would absolutely destroy me if it were to happen after we'd been together, after I'd dared to dream and hope,” he was now breathing heavily, as if someone was filling his lungs with fluid. I could see his canines beginning to descend, so I quickly reassured him:

“I can honestly tell you, that as long as I live and am of sound mind, I will never be with that male, bond or no bond. I will spend my life on the run if necessary. I may not be able to sever the bond or remove the chemical attraction that happens when our bodies are close to each other, but by God, what I can do is not put myself in that proximity. I can work hard not to be physically or technologically available to him. I have been doing so for 7 years. I've sacrificed being with my family, watching my sister's pups grow, spoiling them, living in my birth pack, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it means evading Brandon. I will always work to the best of my ability to distance myself from the temptation and I would rather die trying than succumb to the bond with someone like him. I truly don't respect him, I dislike him, and I want nothing from him.” I took a deep breath, stopping myself from taking a detour into a longer tirade against Brandon as a mate.

“We should give this,” I gestured between the two of us, “a try. I really like you and enjoy spending time with you. So far we've managed to communicate well and solve our problems through dialogue and I hope we'll continue doing so. You've said you'd never been in a relationship, and I've been in only one, with a human, so it's safe to say that there will be a lot of trial and error for both of us,” I chuckled. “But yeah, let's try and see if we can push this from coworkers who are friends to partners slash lovers,” I winked at him to cover up my fear about making the leap, but James abruptly got up from his seat, came over to my side of the desk, sat down on it and pulled me up to him so that I was now standing between his legs.

“I may know nothing about relationships, but I know how to work hard for what I want. You know this about me. And you've already pushed this from coworkers slash friends, for me at least,” he said, gently mocking, his lips inches away from mine, “the moment you entered my car smelling of your pleasure many months ago.”

I swallowed hard, feeling a tiny jolt of warmth travel down my belly, and tried looking everywhere but his eyes. James then pressed a feather-light kiss to my lips and said, “That's settled then,” before leaving me in his office to wonder how the hell that happened.

???

Three weeks later, I was at the Crescent City apartment getting ready for our first date. Since asking me out, James had been more gentle and more affectionate than ever, like he'd decided to clue me in on another facet of his personality, one I was willing to bet no one had seen before. I’d constantly find little notes from him tucked into my desk, in my locker, or shoved under my bedroom door.

Thinking of you.

Went elk hunting with Carter tonight and my wolf wanted to give you the first bite, stuck to a Tupperware container full of raw venison.

This reminded me of your eyes, accompanied by a tiny forget-me-not flower.

We sat together at most meals, and James would fill my plate, fill my glass, gently touch my knee when asking me questions, it was almost as if he couldn’t help himself when it came to touching me. Meanwhile, I probably looked like a sunflower, with the way my head just followed his movement wherever we were. I was being drawn deep into his web, this male captivated my attention in the best of ways. I spent almost all my time at my desk daydreaming about all the things he might say or whisper or write or moan to me in the future, and it was the perfect mix of excitement and fear, like right before jumping into cold water on a hot summer day. I craved it, I craved him.

The female in the mirror was someone I hadn't seen before. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes wild, and her lips painted red. I'd chosen a black dress that was fancy enough for a first date but would not betray the effort put into deciding what to wear. He knocked and I stepped out of my room to meet him. He looked me up and down, pupils wide, then took several steps towards me until my back hit the door. He kissed my shoulder and proceeded to trace my neck with his nose before inhaling deeply – we both shivered. Our bodies were pressed against each other and when he wedged one of his legs between mine, my thighs gripped it immediately. Shamelessly. He squeezed my waist. “Samantha,” he said hoarsely, still just nuzzling my neck, not taking it any further. I could hardly breathe, and my nipples were trying to rip through my dress. His scent was intoxicating.

He stepped away, with his hands fisted at his sides, and looked deep into my eyes.

“Fuck, you're beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I responded, still slightly dazed.

“Shall we?” He grabbed my hand and we stepped into the night.

The restaurant he chose was cozy and romantic. Our table was separated from others with the help of a beautiful olive tree which I couldn’t help but admire while James was fidgeting with some papers he was trying to discreetly stuff back into his pocket. I quickly grabbed them and sneaked a peek before he managed to get them back from me.

“36 questions to fall in love? What is that?” Right there before my eyes, my Alpha and boss, James Woodward, blushed, and I mean really b l u s h e d.

“I was looking at some stuff online in preparation for our date, and these seemed like interesting talking points,” he cleared his throat before taking a sip of his orange juice.

“So you really prepared for this date?” I eyed him incredulously.

He straightened in his chair and met my gaze proudly.

“You're damn right I did. I want this to go well.”

I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms.

“Fine, we'll answer your questions. But first I have to let you know that I am truly upset about how you manipulated my patrol schedule.”

He had the good sense to look sheepish.

“It started out as simply protecting you from persistent guys. Ashley came to me and told me that some of them had a hard time understanding the word no ,” he said darkly. “And since I couldn't fit all the changes into the schedule nicely, I went on a few patrols with you just until I could iron out the new roster. I never expected to enjoy your company so much that I couldn't bear to deprive myself of it,” he said, not a hint of embarrassment on his face now. I, on the other hand, felt a blush creeping up my neck.

“How come I've never met you back in Lupinus Argenteus? I used to visit for a month every summer, from ages 7 to 20.”

“Well, when you were 7 I was 15, so I would have been visiting my aunt's pack until I'd shifted. Then I was being sent to do these alpha-born training camps every summer. And after starting university, I rarely went back to my birth pack, with, you know, all the memories,” he swallowed.

“How did you decide to major in environmental science?”

“My dad gave me these aptitude tests to fill out - ”

“No way! Alpha Frank gave those to me as well,” I interjected excitedly and he laughed.

“Sorry to burst your bubble but I am starting to think those are a lie. I can almost bet you that they pull those career paths out of their ass. Like, the pack will need a doctor and they'll send the valedictorian off to med school,” he chuckled and then frowned. “I actually wouldn't be surprised if my brother had intentionally steered you my way. With the choice of major, and later the job recommendation.”

“I wouldn't mind if he’d done that,” I shrugged. “This job is a dream come true for me, and you're not too bad to look at,” I winked.

Over entrees, I asked him whether he manipulated any other aspect of my work day to fit his stalker agenda.

"Am I a stalker if you've always seen me watch you?" he mused jokingly. "I moved your office ‘cause I wanted to be closer to you. Got them to put your favorite coffee in the vending machine so you’d have nicer breaks. I attended the educational tours because I wanted to watch you play with the children. Nothing too crazy."

I just narrowed my eyes at that.

"Let's see those questions of yours," I motioned for him to give me the paper. For the next hour, we went through them one by one, and I had to admit, they were great talking points.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

"My family," I was quick to respond, and he nodded thoughtfully.

"You miss them very much." It wasn’t a question. I simply nodded, not wanting bitterness to set up camp in my lovely evening.

"What about you?"

"You," he said sincerely. "And maybe Jonathan Franzen."

"The guy who wrote The Corrections ?"

"For me he is the guy who wrote Freedom. It’s an amazing novel, with strong environmentalist themes. I will lend you my copy if you're interested, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it."

"Sure, then we can discuss it during our next hike, or will those stop now that I'm onto your sly tactics?" I teased.

"Never," he held my gaze, completely serious, and God help me but I smiled.

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Hard no from both of us. James said all the people wanting to talk to him combined with city smells would give him migraines daily. I said I’d be too worried about slipping up and revealing myself as a shifter.

What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?

I pondered this one a bit.

"In my life as it is now, without adding anything I don't already have, it would be a summer barbecue with my family in Redwood, swimming after that, a campfire, sleeping under the stars," I sighed dreamily.

"And what if you could add things?" he asked, curious, and I played with my fork before answering.

"I'd probably add two or three pups to the mix, and someone to spoon me to sleep under those stars," I admitted shyly and his whole face softened and brightened through some internal, kind light. "What about you?"

"More or less the same, only it doesn't have to be in Redwood, it can be anywhere as long as it’s nature. Surrounded by loved ones, with someone to spoon to sleep," he reached for my hand and enveloped it in his, not letting go as we continued going through the questions.

Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

I twisted my mouth and hummed.

"Love for nature, a tragic past, reading as a hobby."

He grinned, apparently agreeing, and added: "We're both dedicated, competitive, and sexually frustrated."

I choked on my drink. He wasn’t wrong, but I still shot him a stern look, although not managing to squash my smile completely. He stretched out his legs under the table and caged mine in between them.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

"Flying, no doubt," he said between bites. "It would be amazing to watch the world from above. Plus, it's a badass way to leave places," we both laughed.

"I would like to be able to teleport wherever."

"That's also a good one, more practical than mine."

What is your most terrible memory?

We quietly agreed to skip that one.

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

"That’s a hard one. I can tell you one thing though, I wouldn't overthink things between us, I would jump in headfirst and enjoy it while it lasts, without preemptively thinking of how I would survive another heartbreak," the words just poured out of me and we both seemed equally stunned by my admission.

"I like that answer, thank you for your honesty. Considering that one realistically can die at any moment, would it not make sense to live like that now? Why worry about a future that's not guaranteed?"

I didn't know how to answer that, so I said nothing.

After I finished my dessert, he reached over to wipe off a bit of chocolate cream from the corner of my mouth, then sucked the finger. I felt the sucking motion on my clit somehow, and he knew it, judging from his heavy lids and seductive gaze.

"Let's do the rest of the questions on our walk back," he offered.

I took his outstretched hand and we headed home.