Unlearning

CHAPTER 18

August 2018

Brandon, age 31

TW: Discussions of a suicide attempt.

I’d sometimes hear faint beeping, very faint, like it was coming from the room next door. Occasionally the door would open and close, and chairs would be moved. I strained as much as possible to hear but the voices remain hushed, unrecognizable. Sometimes my hand would be warm, and there’d be liquid on it. Sometimes it dripped on my face. I was antsy, like something was terribly wrong. It felt like I was forgetting something. What was it? I drifted in and out of this semi-aware state for some time, was it days? Weeks?

Once I managed to open my eyes, I was stunned by how washed out everything looked. Faded. Pale. Even the sounds were muted. I could smell the universal hospital smell, antiseptic, but nothing else, no indication who'd been in and out of my room, no smelling the weather or the covered food on the tray by the door. Something felt terribly wrong but I still couldn’t put my finger on it. I found that I couldn't really move – I managed to wiggle my fingers and toes and move my eyes to scan the room. A nurse entered, not looking up, and went to change the IV bag hanging next to my bed. Upon seeing my eyes open, she quickly pushed buttons and buzzed buzzers and made phone calls – soon the room was full of scrubs and white coats, poking and prodding me and asking all kinds of questions.

“Can you tell us what your name is?”

“Brandon Lane.”

“Date of birth?”

“May first, 1985.”

“Can you tell us the year and month we're in?” I furrowed my brows for a moment.

“2018. Month... June?”

“What's the last thing you remember?”

I really concentrated on trying to remember and then it hit me. Hailey leaving with the kids, the loneliness, the sadness, the despair, losing my family and all my hope, the wolfsbane – I gasped and tried to sit up but of course, couldn't.

“How the fuck am I alive?”

They all exchanged meaningful looks.

“We were actually wondering the same thing, Mr. Lane. Do you feel anything... different?”

“I feel... like the world is under water. The colors are really faded and the sounds are weak. My sense of smell hasn't fully returned either. Is that from the coma?”

The doctor glanced at her chart, almost guiltily. I couldn’t hear her heartbeat or smell her so it was impossible to gauge her honest reaction to my questions.

“We are still running some tests, Mr. Lane. We'll be back during visiting hours to talk to you and your family.”

“My family?”

“Your wife and your parents have been visiting you every day for the last two months. Your children have been by a few times as well.”

“Oh.” I didn't understand, why was Hailey here?

“We'll let you rest for now, Mr. Lane.”

“Thanks.”

Who called Hailey? I didn't want her involved in this, and I sure as hell didn’t want her to visit me out of pity or some misguided sense of marital duty. I also never wanted my children to see me like this. I just wanted to... not deal. The weight of my mistakes and the hopeless situation I put myself in just became too much to bear. I was never good at making decisions or correctly judging a situation, at choosing the best course of action or calculating the possible outcome of my actions. Over the last year, I’d truly come to terms with the fact that I was the weak coward my mate had claimed I was all those years ago. And I could now see that I had again chosen the worst possible cowardly “solution” to my problems. I didn’t know how to face Hailey or my parents.

???

“He's awake,” I heard my mother whisper-shouting before I fully opened my eyes. They were here - mom, dad, and Hailey, my wife. I looked at her and my heart threatened to explode with love.

“Hailey,” I said, my voice hoarse from sleep, and she burst out crying. Her whole body was shaking with sobs and I desperately wanted to hold her.

“Don't you “Hailey” me, you stupid son of a bitch,” she shouted once she managed to compose herself a bit. “What the fuck, Brandon? What were you thinking?” she was still yelling.

“I wasn't thinking, I was... I won't do something like that again. I'm sorry they called you. I didn't do it to get your attention or drag you back here. I am so sorry.”

“Oh Brandon,” she shook her head and was back to sobbing. My parents were just standing there, devastated and pale, my father holding up my mother who looked ready to crumple to the floor.

Right then, the doctors came in. Hailey adjusted the hospital bed so I was sitting up. I stole one more glance at her. She looked sad and exhausted, and I felt terribly guilty for putting her through all this. I kept ruining things for everyone around me.

“Mr. Lane, there is something we suspect happened during your suicide attempt,” I winced at his description, even though that was exactly what it was. “Can you tell me about our individual scents?”

What an odd question. I inhaled, taking in their scent, or trying to. Nothing. I tried once more. Puzzled, I turned to the doctors.

“I can't. I can't smell you.” They exchanged glances again. “What is going on?”

“Mr. Lane, can you feel your wolf?”

I froze. The thing that was terribly wrong. He wasn’t here. I couldn’t feel him. At all. It was a terrible empty feeling. He had been devastated and silent ever we’d seen Samantha the last time but now he was completely gone. I think I killed him, oh God. I started throwing up all over Hailey’s feet. The machines I was hooked up to started beeping like crazy. I could hear someone calling my name but I was struggling to breathe while dry heaving, was this what suffocating felt like? Someone jabbed me with a needle and then it all went black.

When I came to, I was alone in the room again. My mind was racing. I’d killed my wolf. My poor animal was already being punished enough while sentenced to being stuck with me. I denied him his mate, I only rarely let him out, and he and I were never in sync like I’d seen other shifters be with their wolves. My list of sins against him was long and now I could never tell him how sorry I was, how much I loved and appreciated him. How proud I was to be his human. I felt the hot tears streaming down my face. Was there anyone left I hadn't let down? I'd say my children, but I’d almost left them fatherless. Even if they didn’t know it, I had let them down. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I do anything right? The nurse that entered caught me by surprise – I no longer possessed enhanced hearing or sense of smell, and I felt crippled without it. This would take some getting used to. She saw my tears and her whole face softened. I could tell she was in the right profession, she seemed very kind.

“We will get you help, you know,” she said softly. “It is protocol, after a suicide attempt. And especially after what happened with your wolf. I am sorry for your loss, by the way.”

“Thank you.” She was the first person to acknowledge my loss in such a way and I appreciated it more than she would ever know. “Do you think,” I cleared my throat, “do you think I can be helped?”

“Of course! All you need is the proper tools to deal with challenges appropriately, whether emotional, mental, or pharmaceutical tools will be up to you and your doctor to discover together. You just have to want to change, to get better.”

“You know what, for the first time, I really do.”

???

“How are you feeling?” Hailey asked, looking me over and nodding slightly, seemingly satisfied. I'd been awake for a month now, and although I no longer had wolf healing, I was recovering nicely. Thanks to intensive physical therapy, the muscle tone that I’d lost in the coma was slowly coming back, my coordination was improving, and I’d managed to gain most of the weight back as well. The pack psychologist was helping me work through the loss of my wolf, and I was also having virtual sessions twice a week with a human psychologist in the city to deal with my suicide attempt. They had me on a low dose antidepressant for now, until I could work through the roughest part of it, just as a crutch. I found it empowering that I had the opportunity to work on changing myself. I'd come to realize that I'd been unhappy with who I was for a long time. Now I’d been given a chance to change that and I would not squander it.

“Much better,” I told her. “They're talking about discharging me next week.”

“Wow, already? What then?”

“They don't want me to be alone for the first month, so I'll stay with my parents and continue working with the pack psychologist. But after that I was thinking – and I actually wanted to talk to you about this first – I was thinking of moving to the city, to be closer to you and the kids.”

She sighed.

“Brandon...”

“Look,” I interrupted her, “I don't expect anything from you romantically.” For now, I amended mentally. “I just want to be close to you guys. I figure the pups are commuting to the pack school anyways, and I am still going to work at the pack for several years, so why not spend an hour in the car with them before school and an hour after school? It would also be easier for you that way, you’d get two hours of your day back.”

“I would,” she nodded thoughtfully and I took it as encouragement.

“Don't get me wrong, Hailey, I would absolutely love for us to be a family again. And as tragic as the loss of my wolf was, it has removed one of the obstacles that were between us. I'm in therapy now, working on removing all the other ones, on making myself worthy of your love again. I would also be willing to try couples' counseling if you ever feel like giving me a chance again. I’m aware it is too soon after everything that happened to jump into rebuilding our relationship, but I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to repair what I have broken. I know I haven't been the best husband and I broke your trust, and I am sorry. I am also sorry for breaking your heart with my suicide attempt,” she flinched a bit at that, she didn’t like remembering it, but a big part of my therapy was acknowledging the attempt and all of my faulty reasoning behind it.

“Hailey, you, Benjamin, and Hannah are my life. And I will spend all my remaining years proving that to you and being there for you three, regardless of how you choose to proceed with our romantic relationship. I also hope you know that you are the only woman I have ever loved, and the only woman I will ever love.”

“I think I know that now,” she whispered. “I have also been going to therapy these last months, first because I needed to deal with... what you did,” she averted her eyes. “But we quickly moved on to what caused the separation, and my insecurities, so I have also been dealing with some of my issues and I realized just how many things we managed to mess up during our marriage.”

I nodded sadly, and she continued:

“When the time is right with your recovery and when we settle into our new routines, I think we could try counseling together,” she shyly took my hand and I held it gently.

“I would love that, Hailey. Thank you for even considering giving me that opportunity.”

She smiled, and the light from the window was like a halo, framing her beautiful head and transporting me back to that library afternoon when I first saw her in all her beauty.

The pack shrink had been prompting me to come up with different scenarios about my wolf's death.

Seeing how the wolf side was supposed to be the stronger one, it made little sense that I would live and he would die.

One scenario I’d come up with was that he’d given up because he was too depressed to live without his mate.

Another one was that he’d wanted to do one good thing for his mate, the only one he would ever be able to, and set her free, so that she could love and mark someone else.

In this moment, watching my beautiful wife framed by heavenly light, I came up with another reason why my wolf might have died – maybe he’d made the ultimate sacrifice for me and my family, so that I would be free to love Hailey with all my heart, without anything holding me back.

I felt a burning in my nose and tears welling up in my eyes.

I would honor his sacrifice to my last day, whatever his reasons might have been, and I would not let it go to waste.

I would be a strong and honorable man for my family, and I would spend my life teaching my pups to be better than I had been.

I promise you that , I whispered to my wolf, wherever he might be now.