Unlikely You (Sapph in the City #5)

Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

Bren

The night had changed drastically. One moment I’d been sitting at the bar and moping about Honey and then there she was. The kiss had also been completely and totally unexpected and had altered my fundamental chemistry. I hadn’t known that kisses could do that, but Honey’s kiss had. If I went to the hospital and they told me that all of my internal organs had been rearranged, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Her kiss had changed me.

My life was now split into two sections: before the kiss and after the kiss. Now that I was in my AK, After Kiss era, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I found myself standing outside of Sapph and then turning in the direction of my car.

“Wait. I didn’t drive here. Did you?” I asked her. I hadn’t planned this very well. I hadn’t planned this at all. I just knew that I wanted to get her someplace quieter so we could talk and figure this shit out and I could maybe have a panic attack in a safe environment.

Because I was absolutely going to have some sort of attack when I realized what the hell I’d just agreed to.

“Bren. I can drive us,” Honey said, squeezing my hand hard enough to get me to focus. It had started to rain just a little bit, making the sidewalk shiny.

“What?” I asked, too busy staring at the way her lips formed the words than what she was actually saying.

“I can drive us. Just give me directions.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

Honey’s car turned out to be a truck that she’d parked pretty far away from the bar.

“It’s hard to find street parking, but I need my truck,” she said, patting the passenger door. She opened it for me and gave me a hand to get up, even though I didn’t need it.

“Thanks,” I said.

The interior was clean and organized and the upholstery smelled like her. I inhaled and closed my eyes as she hopped into the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut.

“Okay, where are we going?” I put the address into my phone and set it in the holder on her console. The truck was older and didn’t have any bells or whistles except for a CD player.

The detached voice of the GPS told Honey where to go as I fidgeted in the passenger seat and tried not to freak the fuck out.

Honey reached over with one hand and squeezed my thigh.

“Take a deep breath with me.”

I looked over and she flashed me a smile, her teeth bright in the headlights of an oncoming car.

“Inhale for one, two, three, four, hold for one, two, three four, and exhale for one, two, three, four.” We did that a few times and it did help a little bit.

“You looked like you were going to open the door and try to escape,” she said as she reached a stoplight.

“I wasn’t,” I said, but I couldn’t lie and say it hadn’t crossed my mind. Not seriously, of course. I’d never do something that dangerous or dramatic to get away from her. And it wasn’t her, necessarily, that I wanted to get away from. It was everything else.

The word “relationship” kept banging around in my brain. That word scared the shit out of me. I’d never done the relationship thing, and for a good reason. Relationships were messy and they could hurt and wreck you and I’d had more than enough of people disappointing me and hurting me already in my life. I didn’t need to take on more of it.

Being by myself was comfortable and safe and I had my damn cat.

What more could I need? Financial security would keep me warm at night.

And then Honey had smashed into my life in two different ways, attacked me on two different fronts.

Now we were driving to my apartment.

“I’m not bringing you to my place for sex,” I blurted out. “In case you thought that was what this is. It’s not.”

Honey let out that low laugh that made me think about her naked.

“Let’s start with talking first. Getting naked would complicate things and I’d rather lay everything out on the table first, you know?”

That made sense.

“Yeah,” I said, and she squeezed my leg again. We’d reached my apartment, and Honey drove down the street to find a parking spot for her truck.

“You okay?” she asked me when she turned the truck off and we were left in silence together.

“Uh huh,” I said, but my voice sounded like it came from someone else.

It was still raining, but Honey reached into a bin she had in the back and pulled out an umbrella.

“Wait right there.” She got out and came around my side to open my door and be there with the umbrella to shield me. She was always thinking of things like that. So considerate.

“Shall we?” She gave me her arm like she was a gentleman and I was a lady wearing a dress that she was helping step over a puddle.

I led us both toward my apartment and then up the stairs to my door. Honey shook off the umbrella and left it beside my door. Someone was probably going to steal it.

“I have a cat,” I announced after I’d unlocked the door but before I opened it.

“You do? I have a few cats, but they live in the main house with my siblings, along with the dogs.”

Oh. Right. I’d warned Honey about my cat just in case she was scared or allergic, forgetting that she literally lived on a farm with many animals.

I opened the door and Arson was right there, screaming her displeasure at being left alone.

“I know, I know, calm down,” I said, sticking my leg out so she didn’t dart into the hallway. That had happened a few times and I’d had to trap her and remind her what happened to bad kitties who escaped from their apartments. Just because she’d been a feral kitten didn’t mean she could survive the city streets.

Once I moved Arson back from the door, Honey dropped down to a crouch.

“Oh, hello gorgeous,” she said in a soft voice, holding her fingers out for Arson to sniff.

“Her name is Arson,” I told her, and Honey laughed softly.

“Good name. Bibliofile didn’t tell me about the cat.” I hadn’t, and I didn’t know why. Too personal.

Arson cautiously approached Honey, giving her fingers a little sniff before bonking her head against Honey’s hand.

“Oh you’re just a little love, aren’t you?” Honey said, and Arson totally melted, coming over to rub up against her legs before rolling onto her back.

“Wow, she normally doesn’t do that with strangers.” Arson was a spicy cat on most days, but with Honey here she was a furry little orange marshmallow.

“That belly looks like a trap, so I’m not going to touch it,” Honey said, stroking Arson’s head before getting to her feet again.

“Smart,” I said, suddenly hit with the fact that Honey Holloway was in my apartment.

Staying near the door, I watched as she took in the space. It was a little cluttered due to the fact that it wasn’t just my home, it was also my office and warehouse and sewing room.

“This is so cool,” she said, stepping over to where I had my sewing machine in the window.

She turned and beamed at me, as if she was pleased.

“You’ve got it so organized, but I’d expect nothing less.” Arson abandoned me and went to twine around Honey’s legs.

“Did you, uh, want a drink?”

I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I’d had someone else at my apartment. You were supposed to offer people drinks, right? Drinks and food?

“Oh, sure. Whatever you have is fine.” She leaned closer to inspect my row of printers.

“You do the bookmarks and stickers yourself too?” she asked.

“Yeah. It gives me better quality control. And I can make new designs or print as many as I need right away. It made much more sense to invest in my own printers. I only had one at first, but as the business grew, I added more.”

She seemed interested so I showed her more. My fabrics and the folded pieces of the waterproof padding that went into my ebook and book sleeves. Honey even sifted her hand into my button basket, letting them tumble through her fingers.

“It must be hard keeping all this nice with a kitty around.” Arson chose that moment to make her presence known.

“There’s a reason I keep everything in bins with lids. I know that the chances of someone getting a little cat hair with their order is pretty high, but I hope they don’t get mad.”

I’d even made little Arson stickers saying PACKED BY ARSON that I used for some of my orders, and she featured prominently in my social media posts. People on the internet loved cats.

I’d forgotten to get Honey a drink, so I went ahead and poured some mango passion fruit juice into two glasses.

She’d taken a seat on the couch and was now eyeing my bookshelves.

“It’s so weird being here in your place. I pictured Bibliofile’s house a ton of times.”

The couch was small enough that I couldn’t sit on it without being incredibly close to her, but I guess I didn’t mind.

“And does this match up with what you pictured?” I’d pictured Melliferal’s place too.

“Sort of. I definitely knew you’d be organized. That was a given. And I knew you’d have books, obviously.” She gestured to my shelves that were organized by author’s last name, except for my Tbr shelves, which were in order of which book I was going to read first. I also had a spreadsheet on my computer with all of them. Just in case.

“I didn’t lie about the books,” I said. I hadn’t lied about anything with her, actually.

Honey sipped from her drink and met my eyes.

“I didn’t lie to you about anything either. I still can’t believe you’re Biblio. We’ve been talking for, what, a year?”

I nodded. “A year.”

Honey leaned back on the couch and Arson jumped into her lap. She rubbed Arson’s head, causing her to purr loudly. Honey charmed everyone, human and cat alike. No wonder she was the one who went out and rescued the bees. I bet they all loved her too.

“I can’t believe you’re a real person,” she whispered. “I mean, I knew you were, but here you are. I never thought I’d see you in person. You made it pretty clear that it was never going to be a possibility.” She frowned.

“I’m real. And I never thought I’d meet you either.”

Honey pressed her full lips together. “Are you disappointed?”

No. Whatever else I was, I wasn’t disappointed.

Slowly I shook my head.

“But you’re not happy it’s me,” she said.

“I’m…I am still struggling to process this, Honey. To process everything.” We shouldn’t have kissed. That just added a wild wrench into the works.

Honey kept petting Arson, who had fallen asleep.

“You—” I started to say and then couldn’t finish. “I don’t know how to do this.” I gestured between the two of us. “Honey, I don’t do relationships. I don’t do complications. I don’t even do people in my house .”

Honey sat and listened to me, her eyes riveted to my face.

“I don’t do this for a reason. People are complicated and messy, and they want things I can’t give them, and they need things I can’t give them. I don’t have it to give, Honey.” I was desperate to make her understand. That I wasn’t worthy of her. That she should give her attention to someone else. Anyone else.

Honey listened and nodded.

“I’m hearing what you’re saying. But it’s at odds with what just happened at Sapph. And the way you kissed me and held me. I think you’re scared. But if your fear is stronger than what’s between us, then fine. I’ll go home and you can go back to ignoring me. I’m not going to beg you, Bren.”

I knew she wasn’t. Her words still made me feel sick inside. She couldn’t possibly know the conflict that warred inside me. About the conflicting desires to protect the life I’d built and my desire for her.

Fuck, I wanted her so much. It had made me shake at Sapph and I was trembling now with the need to grab her and hold her and kiss her and touch her. But I stayed where I was.

“Don’t get up,” Honey said, getting to her feet and setting the drink on a coaster atop the coffee table.

I stood up anyway, reaching out for her. To stop her. Arson had woken up and started meowing about it.

“Honey, wait,” I said, and she pivoted around.

“Yes, Bren?”

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“Hey,” she said, her voice soft. “It’s okay.”

It wasn’t okay. She couldn’t leave like this. I couldn’t let her leave like this.

“Honey Bea,” I said, my voice breaking. I knew, even if she absolutely ruined my life, that if I let her walk out, I would never forgive myself.

“Come here,” I said, pulling her toward me. She came, with halting steps until her body was pressed up against mine. One of my hands gripped her side, sinking into her curves and the other went into her hair and circled the back of her neck. Holding onto her made everything better.

“Bren?” she asked.

“Just kiss me,” I breathed before I did exactly that. It wasn’t a conscious choice to kiss her. It was a necessity. A basic need.

Honey made a little sound of surprise and then kissed me back, eagerly matching my energy as I struggled to taste all of her at once. Her tongue, her teeth, the insides of her cheeks, her lips. I wanted to swallow her whole.

Honey seemed to be of the same mind as she drove her tongue into my mouth, reaching and searching and taking.

It was a battle of a kiss and it was perfect.

At some point I’d pressed her up against my door, driving my hips toward hers, crushing my body against hers.

“ Bren ,” she breathed when we both gasped for air.

“I’m sorry,” I said, not even sure what I was apologizing for.

Honey lifted her hand and tucked some hair behind my ear, tugging gently at my lobe.

“What are you sorry for?” she asked, her kiss-swollen lips forming a smile.

“I attacked you,” I said.

Honey laughed softly. “Did you hear me complaining?”

No. But I still didn’t want to push her too much. Honey was sweet and soft and didn’t need to be kissed like that.

I decided to kiss her again, this time with more restraint. Soft, deep kisses that were no less mind-altering.

She pulled back and gave me a quizzical look.

“What was that?” she asked.

“Kissing you? What do you mean?” Honey stroked the back of my neck and I wanted to lean into her touch. God, she was touching me, and I couldn’t get enough.

“You were kissing me differently,” she said. “Why?”

I licked my lips, almost moaning at the taste of her. No doubt she’d taste incredible everywhere. I couldn’t wait to bury my face between her legs and make her scream until her voice went hoarse. Until she was crying and telling me she couldn’t come anymore. Until she was so worn out she couldn’t even move.

“Because you should have what you deserve,” I told her.

Honey’s brows drew together in confusion.

“And what’s that?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” I was getting irritated with this conversation. Why was she interrogating me about kissing? “Because you’re…you.”

Honey put a hand on my chest and gently pushed. Immediately, I stepped away from her, even though every cell in my body screamed not to move a single inch.

“Hold on. We need to talk for a minute.”

I let out a frustrated sound and then looked down to find Arson standing there and blinking up at us.

“Why do you think I didn’t want you to kiss me the way you were kissing me?” she asked.

“Because you’re…” I gestured at her and she started laughing.

“What the hell does that mean, Bren?” She seemed to relish saying my name and I adored hearing it from her lips.

“I don’t think we want the same things. You don’t want what I could give you. What I’m capable of giving you.” Honey still seemed puzzled, putting her hands on her generous hips.

“And who decided you were the authority on what I want? Was there a vote, an election, a poll? Because I don’t recall getting a say and I think my opinion is the most important, don’t you?”

I opened my mouth to argue with her, but she just raised her eyebrows and stared at me.

Oh .

“If I don’t like something, I have no problem telling you that. And I feel like you’ve created a version of me that doesn’t exist. If you want to know what I want, just ask me.”

“That’s too logical,” I blurted out, making her laugh.

“Oh, Bren. We’ll figure it out.” She stroked the side of my face and I pressed into her touch. It just felt so good . Maybe there was something to that data that you needed so many hugs per day. I honestly couldn’t think of the last hug I’d had with a human. I hugged Arson as much as she’d allow, which wasn’t often.

“I’m scared of hurting you,” I told her, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Why do you think you’d hurt me, Bren?” Honey asked, her tone so gentle.

“Because of the things I want. And then there’s…there’s something else. But we maybe don’t have to talk about that.” The idea of telling Honey about the second thing was too mortifying to even consider.

“Okay, I’m hitting the pause button for right now, Bren. I think we need to take a time out, hmm?” That was probably a good idea.

“Yeah.”

She continued to run her fingers through my hair and then scratched her nails against my scalp.

“Ohhh, that feels good,” I said, my voice part moan.

Honey chuckled. “I could stay here and touch your hair all night. It’s beautiful.”

No one had ever said anything particularly positive about my hair. Her compliment made me feel like I was glowing from the inside out. What was this woman doing to me?

“Okay.” I wanted to rub up against her. I wanted to touch all of her skin with all of mine. I wanted to wrap every single appendage I could around her and let her caress me however she wanted for however long she wanted.

“Bren?” she asked, and I surfaced from wherever I’d drifted to on an ocean of endorphins.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to leave, but I’m afraid if I stay that we’ll go too fast too soon.”

As much as I hated it, she was right. There were things about me she needed to know before we got physical.

Every other time I’d been with someone it had been just a physical thing and the only words you really needed were “there” and “more” and “yes.”

Honey was different. I wasn’t going to treat her like that. Honey deserved more.

“Yes,” I said, agreeing. “Do you want to just…come and sit with me? We could talk or read or something.”

Honey’s smile was cute and made her dimples appear. I still wanted to lick them with my tongue, but that would have to come later.

“I’d love that.”