11. Cameron
Ava Decker drove me wild. She always had. At least, she always had ever since that first summer I noticed her as something more than a girl, or Isaiah’s little sister. She was trouble and beauty and sass and charm. She was sweet and lovely and smart and beautiful.
I waited while she gathered her things, her hands trembling and her face flushing as she hurried to shove everything back into her canvas tote bag.
“How’d you know I was here?” she asked as we were walking out of the library. I went to lead her to my truck, but she turned right on the sidewalk.
“Went to Millie’s. Asked if she’d seen you. My truck’s the other way.”
“I figured.” And yet she kept walking, taking a left that led us by the square, headed toward Tom’s.
“Said I didn’t want this conversation in town, Ava.”
“I know.”
She pulled her shoulders back and tilted her chin up. Her long blonde hair fell in loose curls down her back, and I tried hard not to reach for her, not to force her to stop and fucking talk to me.
Weeks I’d tried to contact her, only to finally realize she’d blocked my number. Then there was more time where I bugged the shit out of Isaiah, where he assured me she was fine, but that was all he was allowed to say.
He didn’t even ask why I cared so much, which would be odd, but it was Isaiah. He didn’t think too deep into much outside of work.
Training camp kicked my ass like it always did. This year, our team had a chip on our shoulder. Yeah, we’d lost the Super Bowl last year, but that only meant this year our expectation was to win it all. To become one of those teams always in the running for it. To create a legacy.
I spent half the time worrying and thinking about Ava and the other half phoning in my play on the field that both the quarterback coach and head coach called me in to ask if there was something I needed to talk about. That wasn’t nearly as bad as the looks I was getting from some of my teammates, especially those closest to me.
Finally, I heard from Mom that Ava was back in town. “It’s so nice seeing her around again. Lovely girl.” She’d said it in passing. I’d latched onto it and called Gavin.
He knew more than anyone in my family what happened in town since he lived and worked in it.
He confirmed she was back, but that was all he knew.
First chance I got, I headed straight to town.
Now I was following her down the street, taking another left, and she was stepping up to a porch that had her silver Civic parked right in the driveway.
What the hell?
“You renting this place or something?”
It was small, but cute. Obviously recently redone with a new gray and white paint job and recently painted dark gray deck boards.
Ava didn’t answer. She dug into her tote, pulled out a set of keys, and opened the door.
Guess that answered that question, but why?
“What’s going on, Ava?” All the questions I had for her flew into the background.
No one had told me she was back in New Haven to stay. Fucking hell.
“You’ll see.”
She stepped inside, and I followed, making sure the storm door didn’t slam behind me, and then I blinked. Blinked again.
There were two chairs and a large rug on the floor. A couple of lamps and side tables, but that was it as far as furniture. Beyond the living room, there was a view straight to the back of the house where there was a round dining table and a vase filled with wildflowers taking up the space in the middle.
“What in the fuck?”
“I don’t have couches yet, but they’re ordered and should be here any day now.”
There was a thump, and I turned to her. Ava had dropped her bag on the hardwood floor and crossed her arms over her chest. “You wanted to talk?”
Talk. I did. There was a shit ton to say, but now…
“Maybe you should go first,” I said. “Explain all of this.”
I waved my hand out.
“It’s my home.”
“So you are renting it.”
“No.” She shook her head. “This is my house.”
“You bought it? You’re living here now? Staying?”
What in the holy shit was happening?
“Want something to drink?” She spun, heading straight toward the kitchen.
Hell no, I didn’t want a drink. I wanted this to make sense.
I stopped in the doorway from the living room into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and pulled out two bottled waters.
She held one out to me, and it trembled in her hand. My little sunshine might have been acting bold and blasé, but she was nervous.
“Tell me what’s going on.” I forced myself to soften my tone and rested my shoulder against the doorway. “You have a job in Denver. An apartment.”
“I told you I was taking time to figure out what I wanted. I made my decision.”
Again, with the emotionless response. Fuck that. I shoved off the wall and stepped toward her. She retreated before planting her feet and steeling her spine against my advance.
There she was. My little fighter. “Ava, drop the bullshit and the attitude and fucking talk to me.”
She pressed her glossy lips together, glanced around her kitchen, and sighed. “The only thing I ever wanted to do was raise a family in New Haven. I went to college, got a job, met Kip, and suddenly I was in Denver, and I hate the city. But I was doing it. Living a life, and I think the day Kip asked me to marry him, I realized how much of that life I didn’t actually like. I was waiting…” She trailed off, stared into my eyes, and there was emotion in them now. Sadness. But more, pain. And she only had that look when she looked at me. “Anyway, I think I was waiting for a different dream, but I finally realized that this small dream of mine is enough for me. The other one was too large, too impossible. It’d never work, so Lydia and I went to Florida and did a lot of talking. I did a lot of thinking, and I came up with a new plan.”
Something sparked. Something about her dream and being too small or too large. Something niggled at the edges of my memory as she spoke, but every time I reached for the connection, I missed it.
“Your dream was never too small.” I’d told her that in the truck that day on the way here.
“I know. It also never fit into the larger one. They were too different.” As she said it, she swallowed thickly. With a sniff, she then took a gulp of her water. “It was time to let that dream go to chase the one I could have.”
There was that pain again. Something I couldn’t place. I still had questions.
“What about your apartment?”
“It was a popular building, and they had a wait-list. I only had to pay one month’s rent and they found someone else to take it.”
“And your job?”
“I’m working remote. Traveling occasionally. They approved it since there’s a store in our county, so I can still go in there for content.”
I chewed my lip. Considered everything she said. But that didn’t explain… “So you bought a house?”
She was slipping away from me, right when I finally thought I could make my move. I felt her slip through my fingers.
I refused to let it happen.
“My parents gave me my inheritance early. Dad surprised me with the house.”
“That’s… that’s incredible.” And baffling. Wonderful. At least for Ava. Completely shitty for me. I tried to work up the courage to be happy for her, but it only made me angry.
“So that’s it? You’re done with Denver? Nothing you’ll miss?” I wanted her to admit it. Admit she felt something for me.
“No.” She shook her head, and with tears in her eyes, she shrugged. “There are things I’ll miss.”
I took a step forward. Closer. So close I could reach out and tug at a lock of her hair that was draped over her shoulder. It was the heat of summer, and she was in cutoff denim shorts and a tank top that showed a sliver of skin on her abdomen. Florida. She’d been in Florida. No wonder why she was so tan. It looked good on her, although everything looked good on her.
She blinked at my approach, lips parted. It was exactly how she looked at me the last time I saw her. Right before I kissed her.
“And me?” I asked, closer now. So close, I reached out and cupped her cheek with my palm. She flinched from the contact and closed her eyes. “Will you miss me?”
“Cameron…”
The name slipped from her throat on a whimper, and when her eyes opened again, they flared with anger. Pain, mostly, but there was so much anger in them, I stepped back. “You remembered,” she finally said, and shoved her hand to my chest. “Step back.”
“No.” Hell no. If I put space between us now, she’d bolt.
She glared at me.
I glared right back.
“Move.”
I shook my head. My heart was racing. My heart thumped so powerfully it thundered against my rib cage. In all the years I’d thought about this moment, I’d never prepared myself for how awful it would feel. So much worse than any other time she screamed at me over the years.
“I…” Shit. “You need to know what I meant when I said I remembered.”
She stared up into my eyes, and I couldn’t pull mine off hers. Her chin trembled as she swallowed thickly.
“Tell me,” she rasped, the weight in her tone so heavy that my heart sank straight to my gut.
Fuck. Fuck! God, I hated that I had to do this and wanted to run from it. My arms started shaking from the strain, and I mirrored her heavy swallow. “I never forgot that night we spent together. I remember every single, beautiful moment of that night.”
Pain flashed across her face like I’d whipped her. She turned, closed her eyes. Nostrils flared.
“Get away from me,” she whispered, but it was hoarse. Gravelly.
“Ava—”
“Shut up.”
“Listen to me.”
“I hate you,” she rasped.
I’d always known she would. Hearing it this time with the pain so thick in her throat, it unraveled me. “There were reasons I acted how I did and only one of those is because I was young and dumb. Please, Ava. I’m sorry. I really am, but I need you to listen.”
“Get out.”
“Your brother almost saw us. He knocked, and I barely got to the door before he opened it, and I hid you from his view, but he almost saw us, Ava. He asked if I had someone in there for him to have.”
God. I still wanted to throw up when I thought about that. Isaiah had never even been a pig like that, just in a bad spot at the time. The fact that was what he asked when it was his sister…
“Get out,” she whispered again.
She needed to look at me, and I went to reach for her, to touch her, but she slapped my hand away and glared up at me. Flaming arrows shot from her eyes, but it was the tears in them that made my knees buckle.
“I meant to talk to you about it. I wanted to. Swear to God, on your life, on Grams, on everybody’s in this town. I wanted to explain it to you later. Apologize. I’d just freaked that morning, but I thought we’d agree no one would know, and I was leaving.”
She clamped her lips shut, swiped at her tears. I fought the urge to brush them away for her. My touch would be unwanted.
I waited for her to say something. Anything. To rage at me or push me or tell me to get out again, but she stayed silent.
“I saw Grams the next day. She’d already seen you. And somehow, I don’t know how, Ava, because I know you didn’t say anything to her about me, at least, but when I saw her, she told me to leave it. We were young, I was leaving, and we had growing to do. I tried to tell her that I wanted to make it right with you, but she told me to let it be.”
“Grams?”
I nodded. Her brows wrinkled as she blew out a breath.
“I swear. I would have said something to you, or at least talked to you about it, but I was worried I’d make it worse, and Grams was on my ass to stay away from you, to let you grow and heal and figure out who you were. You didn’t need me muddling your head.”
She huffed a cold, vicious laugh. “You listened to Grams.”
“I was a kid, Ava. And I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I never came clean, but I’ve loved you since you were fourteen years old, and that was way too young for anyone to be loving anyone, but I swear to you, you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted. The only woman I’ve ever loved.”
There. I’d done it. I’d finally admitted, out loud, everything I’d felt for her. The reason behind my lies. I’d expected to feel lighter.
The opposite happened.
As the blood rushed from Ava’s face and the pain returned tenfold, I didn’t feel lighter.
Her hands went to my chest again, and this time when she pushed, I stepped back. I pleaded with her with my eyes to understand.
“You loved me,” she whispered and jumped off the kitchen counter.
“For years before then, but I couldn’t move on it then, not when we were young, not when?—”
“Shut up.” Her hand came up between us, she held it there while she stepped back. “You loved me.”
“I did.” A small kernel of hope grew in my chest. She wouldn’t hate me. She’d understand. “I do.”
Tears were still running down her cheeks, but she’d understand. She’d have to.
“You loved me, and you took my virginity, and the next morning, you looked right through me and treated me like I was nothing. No one, and now you think an explanation is acceptable?”
“I know. I know that hurt, and I shouldn’t have done it. I panicked. Isaiah was standing there, and you had just crawled out of my bed, and I couldn’t… I fucked up. I knew it then.”
I was losing her. It was stamped all over her face, not only the pain I’d caused for so many years, but everything I’d done to make it worse.
And when she straightened her back and stepped away from me, the floor beneath my feet shifted. Her eyes narrowed, and a tear dropped down her cheek.
“Fuck you, Cameron Kelley.”
“Listen. I know you’re?—”
That hand was still up, and it fell to her thigh with a slap that made me jolt as she took another step back. “What? Upset? You know I’m upset? Or hurt? Or mad? You’re goddamn right I’m all of those things, Cam, because for my entire life, you’ve been the only man I ever wanted, and stupid me, even after that night, I thought there was a chance I could get you to see me as something else besides Isaiah’s sister, because you’d been drunk. I’d taken advantage. I’d gone into your room for my own motives, and that was because I’d been scared and realized something that was precious to me could be taken, so I wanted to give it to someone who mattered, and then you forgot. I gave you something of me. Not my body. But me. And you fucking forgot, but you didn’t. You knew.”
She twisted, clawed at her scalp with her hands, and was shaking her head. Her entire body trembled, and I was paralyzed. “God. It was one thing to know you’d forgotten. That hurt enough, but to hear that you didn’t? To know you listened to Grams on what was best for me instead of talking to me? You don’t love me. I’m something you’ve enjoyed toying with, showing up in my space even when you knew it hurt me, and you can’t say you didn’t know that, and you knew exactly why you were hurting me. That’s not love. I don’t know what that is, but it’s not love.”
“I know I fucked up. I know it, Ava. But please, let me?—”
“Get out. This is… of all the fucking things. Of all the fucking times for this? You’ve had years to tell me the truth. And now, now what? Now that I’m finally moving on, living my own life instead of waiting to be invited to be a part of yours, now is when you open up? Now, when I’m finally working on my dream?”
Tears poured down her cheeks, and tears grew in my own eyes. She had it wrong. Well, mostly right, but also, she was so dead wrong.
“I wasn’t ready,” I admitted.
She whipped around, hair flying behind her. The heat in her stare was enough to burn me to the ground. “Then you didn’t love me. Because if you had loved me, you wouldn’t have needed to become ready to love me properly or at least be kind to me.”
“And when I was ready, you had Kip.” She was with him for three years. There was never an indication she wanted that from me. Not then. “I’d thought you were happy.”
She barked out a cold laugh before her hands curled into tightly balled fists at her side. She leaned in a hairsbreadth closer. “Get the fuck out of my house and stay the hell out of my life.”
“Ava—”
“Now!” She screamed so loudly the chandelier behind her shook, and she stomped her feet. “Can’t you see you’re hurting me? You’re doing it all over again, and you’re so much more concerned about your side than you are of taking care of me. Get out of my fucking house and let me be!”
She crumbled to the floor. Her knees slapped the wood floor so hard she cried out in pain, and then she was a ball, head burrowed into her lap, and fuck.
I was killing her, and I knew it, and I knew she’d hate me more for it, but I didn’t leave. I went straight to her.
I picked her up, and she was crying so hard, so upset and out of it, she didn’t fight me. Thank Christ.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ava.” I kissed the back of her head, carried her through her house, and quickly found her room. Thank God there was a bed in there.
As soon as her side touched the mattress, she rolled in the other direction. There was a throw blanket at the end of the bed. I grabbed it and draped it over her.
“I’m so sorry, Ava. So sorry for hurting you, but I do love you. And I know you want me out of your life, but I can’t make that promise.”
She was still crying, still sniffling.
“But I will leave you for now. I won’t get out of your life, not when you’re the most important part of mine.”
She made a choking sound and curled herself tighter.
I left her room, left her house, and went to the porch.
Grabbing my phone, I pulled up Lydia’s contact in my phone.
“What’d you do this time?” I wasn’t surprised at the hatred in her tone. Lydia was nothing but loyal.
“I need you at Ava’s house. Immediately.”
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
That was Ava’s to share. I wouldn’t further break whatever trust I might be able to salvage by telling Lydia anything. But I wasn’t leaving her alone, either.
“Just get here. Please? Fast as you can.”
“Okay. Okay. I’ll be there. Let me get things settled here. Ten minutes?”
“Five,” I told Lydia.
I hung up. Called my brother Caleb. He and Emily were living in their newly built house on my parents’ land. When shit hit the fan, it was my twin brother I always turned to, but I wasn’t sure even he could help me dig myself out of this hole.
Fuck.
I’d totally fucked up.