13. Cameron
“So, I need to go scrub the vision out of my brain of you and little Ava Decker doing the nasty,” Caleb groaned and squeezed his eyes closed.
“I tell you all of that, and that’s your response?” Jesus. I wasn’t sure how helpful he’d be, but I didn’t think he’d be useless.
“In his defense,” Emily said, “that was kind of a lot, and I don’t think either of us know where to start.”
I hadn’t fully planned on Emily sticking around for the conversation, but when I said it was about a girl, she shoved her thumb in Caleb’s direction and asked, “You think he’s equipped for this?”
Fair point, considering he’d screwed up during the beginning of their relationship, too. Fortunately, they were now married. A wedding done quickly, and a wedding Ava hadn’t come to. They spent their off-season on the ranch, in a home Caleb and Emily built so she could be close to family, so Landon could grow up close to a family he hadn’t known existed for almost the first four years of his life.
“I know, but fuck.” I scrubbed my face and flinched at the scrape of my beard. I never grew this shit out, but shaving was the last thing on my mind while I fumbled my way through training camp. This was only going to be my second year as a starter, and I’d taken my team to the Super Bowl last year. There was a lot riding on me. On my future success this year, and I needed to focus on that.
And yet, for the last month, all I’d thought about was Ava. If she was safe. What she was doing. How I could get her to listen to me, and talk to me, and somehow, forgive me. The first shot I had, I blew it.
“Tell me more about Grams,” Emily said. She sat back in her chair and brought one leg up, tucking her feet beneath her other thigh. We were in their living room, bright and white and neutral with specks of green in plants and other greenery sprinkled throughout the house. It was open, airy, and void of all colors except tan, white, and green. “Why did Grams get involved? What’s her motive in all of this? I mean, the woman is old, and I know everyone says she’s wise and all, and I don’t know her, but it seems like she’s the one who made this harder for you.”
“Back then, all I was thinking about was what Isaiah would do if he found out. How pissed he’d be at me. And I was leaving anyway. I was thinking I’d already hurt her, and Grams asked if being honest would make it worse.”
“I’m not sure honesty ever makes anything worse.”
“Yeah.” No shit. I knew that. Now. “Except back then, I was barely eighteen and leaving in a few weeks for school. What in the hell was I supposed to do? Tell her I was sorry, that I’d liked being with her, but there was no chance of anything else ever happening so she should forget about me? Either way, I was a dick.”
“So Grams said to leave it alone? To not make it worse?”
“She didn’t want Ava to spend time waiting for me, hoping we’d get together when I came back home on breaks.”
“Well, sure seems like she’s moved on,” Caleb huffed.
“Fuck you,” I told my brother. “Grams wanted us both to grow up. Then, by the time I was ready and she told me to get my head out of my ass, I hesitated. She was with Kip. I figured she’d done it and moved on.”
“So why be a dick to her for all that time?”
“I wasn’t trying to be a dick.” I wanted to see the fire in her eyes. I wanted her to show me she cared. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but if all I could have from Ava was her anger, then I would do whatever I needed to keep it.
“I fucked up. Huge. I know that, but now she’s here, living here permanently. She’s not in Denver where I can even try to make something work. I don’t need the lecture on how I screwed up, I need advice on how to fix it. On how to get Ava to forgive me and let me make it up to her.”
I knew I should have stayed away. Knew the second I saw her curled up on my couch and sleeping, I should have let her leave. It was selfish of me to tell her to stay. Selfish of me to take her suitcase and tell her she wasn’t going anywhere. Everything I’d done had been selfish, except giving her the chance to grow and find her own path.
And now that path she’d found was going to keep me away from her nine months out of the year.
I turned my pleading eyes to Emily and then to Caleb. “I’ll do anything to fix this. Anything to be able to love her the way she deserves. But I don’t know how.”
“I’m not sure that can be done in a day, Cam. She’s hurt, and based on how you said you left her, I think she needs some time.”
“I don’t have time.” I had my first preseason game on Saturday. I’d hauled my ass out to New Haven as soon as our practice was done that morning, and I had tomorrow off, but I had to be back in Denver by nine in the morning on Wednesday for practice.
I only had tomorrow.
“Sleep on it,” Emily said. “It’s already late anyway. Give her the night to take it all in, and maybe in the morning, things will be clearer.”
“What she said. Sounds good to me.” Caleb pointed at his wife with a stupid, dopey grin on his face.
I scowled at him. “Thanks. You were a lot of help.”
I barely slept. Tossed and turned all night, and in the morning, nothing was clearer, except for the fact there was only one person who could help me now.
And I was truly starting to believe she was the one who’d screwed this all up in the first place. At least, after I caused the initial stab wound.
By the time I showered, poured coffee into a travel mug, and headed into town, the sun was barely rising. I resisted the urge to head my truck straight to Ava’s and instead drove through town, taking a left at the combined middle school and high school building, and into New Haven’s retirement community.
Grams was going to help me fix this. Out of anyone, she was probably the only person Ava would listen to anyway. If even that were possible anymore. I could be wrong about that, too, after what I told her yesterday.
I handed my driver’s license to the receptionist’s desk even though Darlene Shudabaker had known me my entire life.
“Busy day today,” she muttered. “Lotsa company coming.”
My brows tugged in as she said it, and then I let it go. It was a Tuesday. It couldn’t be that busy.
She handed me back my license, and I tucked it into my wallet. “Thanks, Mrs. Shudabaker.”
“Have a good time. Behave yourself.”
I shook my head. She was a trip. She was also a resident there, but she’d only recently moved in after falling and needing a new hip. Her home was too much for her to take care of, so she moved into the retirement home and started volunteering in the front office.
I rounded the corner and headed down the hallway to Grams’s room and stopped when I got close to it.
Her door was cracked open, and from inside, a voice trailed out.
Ava.
“I can’t forgive him for this, Grams. I can’t. Do you know how much it hurts? And I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it.”
“You were too young. He was too wild. You both needed time.”
My feet froze, and then slowly moved closer so she couldn’t see me. And shit. I should leave or announce my presence, but curiosity kept me in the hallway, begging for more of Ava even if she couldn’t see me.
“And now what? What did you think would happen when I learned he’d been lying to me for so long? Did you think I’d what? Throw myself into his arms and thank him for all the times he hurt me?”
“No. I knew you’d be upset, but you’re forgetting what I told you recently.”
“When? Because I am not helping Morty Jones salsa dance.”
I bit down a laugh. Grams was silent, and then said, “Think. Wasn’t that long ago I told you life was short. You only get one shot at life—living with someone you love, and I wanted that for you.”
“Yeah, well, you also said that was what you wanted for me, and yet you’ve apparently schemed to keep that from me.”
“When you wanted to run, I also told you that boy was closer than you thought, to listen and think. Instead, you hauled your fanny off to Florida and now you’re sulking here.”
“I’m not sulking. I’m living the dream I wanted. That’s what you told me to do too, and you know what? Fine. I ran. But I’m not running now. I’m here, living the dream I’ve always wanted, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I want to be here, in New Haven. I want my kids to grow up some day with Lydia’s, and I like knowing everyone in town, even if they’re in my business or bossy.”
Grams chuckled, and I imagined Ava pointing a finger directly at her.
“But that’s been my dream. So I’m doing it. And Cam, his dream is too big. Too large. He might have been part of that dream I wanted all of those years ago, but he’s not now. He’s too big for it, Grams.”
A memory sparked. Flickered. I pressed my back against the wall as they continued on, mostly Ava ranting and Grams correcting her, but it wasn’t long until it all made sense. What Ava had said yesterday…
“I was waiting for a different dream, but I finally realized that this small dream of mine is enough for me. The other one was too large, too impossible.”
And then.
That note.
The words that had never made sense to me.
Go live your huge life.
Jesus. She thought that? That a life in a small town raising a family was what… beneath me?
I’d heard enough. I stepped into the doorway, and since Ava was in a standoff, facing Grams in her recliner, it was Grams who saw me first.
Her tired eyes widened at my appearance, and then she looked at Ava. “Maybe it’s time you listen,” she said.
Ava turned slowly, shoulders pulling back as she did, and damn, twenty hours, well, less, had not at all dulled the pain I caused.
My knees weakened at the sight of her. The swollen, puffy eyes. The redness in them. The fact she didn’t have on makeup, and her hair was in a ponytail. She hadn’t taken the time to get all dolled up like she usually did before she came here. It looked like she’d rolled out of bed after a shittier night of sleep than I had.
“It hurts me to see you hurting when I know I’ve done that. It hurts me even more to hear you talk about how you think your dream is too small for me when you’re the only dream I’ve ever had.”
Ava’s mouth fell open, her red eyes widened in shock. Behind her, Grams hid a smile behind her hand.
“You can’t mean that,” Ava said, and her voice wobbled. God, I hated that sound.
“Doesn’t mean I’ve always done the right thing, and I know that, but if you give me a chance, I swear I’ll make it so you don’t have to ever be afraid of me, or doubt me again.”
She stood there, and for a moment, there was hope. There was a softening in her features, a slump of her shoulders. Until she blinked, and everything in her stiffened all over again.
Ava scoffed, bent down, and snagged her purse. “I don’t believe you.”
“You will.”
I was still in the doorway, and she faced me. All five feet, four inches of her, fuming all over again. It was less now, though. Like my arrow had landed, made her less mad.
“Move,” she growled.
“I feel like we’ve been here before.” God, I was a dick. It couldn’t be helped. Even now, when I knew I should have let her go, I couldn’t not be a smart-ass.
Her eyes flared with anger, and her lip curled back.
I leaned in before she could say anything. “Come talk to me. Listen to me. Give me a chance to make this right.”
Behind her, Grams yawned. It was loud, obnoxious, and totally fake, but she closed her eyes and laid her head back. “I need some rest. You two should go.”
I glared at the woman. “I’m not through with you yet, either.”
She opened her eyes long enough to wink at me. “Didn’t think you were.”
“I’m not going anywhere to talk to you.”
I could have been the nice guy. The guy who backed up and let her leave, but that wasn’t me. I didn’t have time to play it that way. “You agree to come with me, or I’m throwing you over my shoulder and hauling you out of here, straight to my truck.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Wanna bet? With Shudabaker at the front desk, I figure she’d enjoy seeing that. Thrill of her day.”
Ava’s eyes narrowed, nostrils flared, and I was pretty sure there was a puff of steam rising from the top of her head. “Where?”
“The creek. And I’m following you, so don’t think you can outrun me.”
“Have a lovely day, you too,” Grams called, hiding another yawn. “Enjoy the sunshine.”
Ava twisted her neck and glared at her great-grandmother. All the fight left her when she spun back. “Fine, but I’m not staying long.”