16. Mila
16
MILA
I shouldn’t be surprised.
I shouldn’t .
Vitaly is a snake. He’s always been a snake. He’s never cared for another human being in his life, never given another person a second thought.
So why, when his lips press against Alexa Volcov’s— Gruco now—am I surprised? She embraces him with such intensity, like she’s been waiting all nine years to be in his arms. It sickens my stomach. I feel it drop. Nausea swirls in my gut and pushes up my throat.
It had to be her. Of all people.
Of course it was her. The traitor. The deserter. The poor girl who managed to bag herself a don. What is it about this woman that attracts power? What makes her so special?
Alik is quiet beside me while we watch their embrace from the shadows. Alexa leads Vitaly inside the bathroom like the harlot she is while the nausea pushes farther up until my throat feels thick.
I swallow and breathe through my nose. When I speak, I work hard to keep my voice even. “Well, I guess that confirms it. He didn’t come back for me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
I peer over at Alik who stares at the bathroom like he’s developed x-ray vision. There’s nothing to see. Certainly nothing I want to see. But from his intense gaze, I can tell we’re staying put.
“He’s been here forty-eight hours and is already shacking up with the Italian’s whore.” I scoff and glare at the bathroom. “Maybe he came back for her .”
Maybe they’re lovers.
He’s the one who told me you should never show your hand. Maybe this is what he’s hiding. I’ve just been the decoy.
Why does that thought make my stomach cramp?
“We don’t know that they’re fucking,” Alik says. I know he isn’t saying it for my benefit—because why would I care who Vitaly fucks?—but still, his skepticism is unusually comforting.
“Somehow, I doubt they’re catching up for old times’ sake.” I laugh dryly and catch the bitter edge to it. “What, did they have a thing for each other in high school or something? Do you think they could be lovers?”
My pitch raises as I speak, but if Alik notices, he doesn’t mention it. Doesn’t turn his eyes away from the bathroom.
Why? Why do I care about my enemy’s past, or present for that matter? I don’t want him. I have no claim on him. If the traitorous slut wants him, why should it matter to me?
Who cares that he thought so little of me when we met yet somehow sees this woman, this traitor, as worthy of his time? He’s a deserter, a traitor himself. They were made for each other.
“Everyone had a thing for Alexa in high school,” Alik replies. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I feel shorter all of a sudden. “But much of that had to do with the fact that she was … virtuous . As far as I’m aware, she never gave Vitaly a second look.”
“Seems things have changed,” I mutter.
He’s quiet for several seconds, long enough that I think that’s the end of the conversation.
“He’s infectious, isn’t he?”
Alik’s words are filled with scorn. I’m surprised he doesn’t just kill Vitaly to end the misery seeing him brings. I don’t know if there’s anyone who understands that pain more than me.
It makes me wonder if it wasn’t Alexa Vitaly was meeting with, but a man , someone Alik resents, if Alik would be the one battling this unusual feeling of inadequacy.
Alik is spot on… Vitaly is infectious. When he enters your life, you can hate him. You can be devoid of respect for the snake, gag at his presence. But when he rejects you, it still stings. You’ll find yourself wishing he chose you and wondering what’s so wrong with you that he didn’t.
Or maybe that’s just me.
Vitaly steps through the door to the bathroom and strides across the grounds toward the church. Alexa stays in the bathroom, and I imagine her reapplying her lipstick, preparing her alibi for her husband.
“Go,” Alik nudges me. “Find out what they were doing.”
My face pinches with confusion as I peer at Alik. “You realize that’ll give us up?”
“He already knows we were following him. Just go. Now.”
My mouth opens, but I don’t voice my protest. Alik is in charge. If he thinks we should give away that we’re following Vitaly, I don’t care to question him. Maybe if I was Alexa, I’d have a voice.
Fucking bitch .
I start to turn but pause at Alik’s words.
“Make sure he knows how hurt you are.”
My spine steels, but I’m hesitant to respond. I’m afraid I’ll snap. I know I’ll snap if I don’t calm myself.
“ Hurt ?”
He doesn’t reply.
“I’m not that good of an actress.”
“ Exactly . Now go.”
When I don’t move, Alik gives me a light shove, and I start toward the parking lot of the church.
I hope Vitaly’s gone. I hope I waited too long, missed the shot I never wanted to take, and I hope it pisses Alik off. Unlike Nikita, there don’t seem to be serious consequences for disappointing Alik, so I truly don’t care right now what he orders. Fuck him. Fuck Nikita.
Maybe I’ll think differently tomorrow, but right now, nothing would make me happier than for none of these men to get what they want.
When I reach the parking lot, my wish has come true. Vitaly’s Jeep is gone.
I let out a sigh of relief and let myself stand in it for a few moments. There have been so few moments of peace lately. Even this, I wouldn’t call peace, but I feel lighter. Just a tad lighter.
When I turn to head back toward Alik, weight topples on my shoulders.
Vitaly stands with his hands in his pockets, leaning against the brick wall of the church. His face is blank as he watches me.
“Nikita sent you ? Really?” Vitaly shakes his head. “Does he ever stop being cruel?”
For once, it isn’t defensiveness that flares. My cheeks inflame with embarrassment while I stand in shame.
Nikita pushed it too far tonight. Vitaly’s right, it was cruel. But even worse than that, it was for nothing. He only wanted to humiliate me to show Vitaly that he can’t be stopped. That I belong to Nikita. It was his fucked up way of marking his territory. But he didn’t need to because Vitaly would much rather fuck the blonde, married traitor than think of me.
“Was it hard for you to see him be mean?” I mockingly frown. “Is that why you needed to fuck your troubles away?”
He sighs and takes me in. I’m wearing black pants and a black turtleneck sweater, an outfit so obvious of my intentions to spy, I wouldn’t bother lying even if Alik hadn’t told me to give myself up.
“I think…” Vitaly begins then hesitates. “It would be harder to watch him hurt you if you weren’t an active participant in his games. As it stands, it’s mildly displeasing.”
My composure was hardened, impressively so, but hearing his words makes it snap like a boulder falling on a twig.
My shoulders sink, along with the tiny bit of pride I’ve kept close to my heart. It dissolves into the puddle of melted sorrow on the concrete.
Nine years. Nine years of heavy sorrow fills the bottoms of my feet then rises like water until I’m submerged in it.
I’m strong. I’m so strong. I know I am. I’ve forced myself to be, but something about this man makes me feel so weak. So pitiful . So much worse than Nikita could ever make me feel, and he doesn’t even need to use his fists.
For nine years, I’ve been trying to get over the pain he made me feel when he rejected me, but in a split second, he picks me up and places me back in time.
The back of my throat aches. My nose starts to itch. Telltale signs of tears to come that I nearly forgot how to spot because it’s been so long.
I won’t let them fall. I swore to myself I’d never let them fall. But it’s so pathetic that Vitaly can make me want to let them. Especially when Nikita never has. Never . At least his cruelty makes sense to me. At least I can see it for what it is. At least it isn’t indifference.
“Why her?” I ask, my voice low and pained.
Vitaly’s face softens, but he doesn’t reply.
“We have a house full of girls. You could have anyone you choose, anyone , but you pick Settimo Gruco’s wife. Why? What is it about her that makes her so special?”
Still, he doesn’t respond.
“That isn’t rhetorical.” I laugh, throwing up a hand as my vision blurs from moisture coating my eyes. “Does she have something the rest of us don’t that makes her so worthy of you entitled, chosen bastards?”
Vitaly pushes off the wall and slowly walks my way. When he gets close, I back up until he stops.
“I’m not entitled, nor am I chosen for anything,” he says, his voice soft, giving off the illusion of kindness before he delivers his next inevitable blow. “I’m a soldier. Remember?”
I roll my eyes. “Just answer my question.”
“Alexa is an old friend. There’s nothing magical about her that you can’t see.”
“ Bullshit ,” I sneer, following it up with a bitter laugh.
“Mila…”
“Just tell me why.” My tone sounds more like a plea than a command as I find myself taking a step closer to Vitaly. My chest aches as my lip trembles. “Why wasn’t I enough for you? How could you tell in only a few seconds that I wasn’t good enough, but two different heirs to power have seen Alexa Volcov as worthy? Am I not pretty? Am I?—”
“Mila, stop.” Vitaly takes my arms, but I jerk away from his touch.
“Just tell me!”
His eyes are wide, like I’m worrying him. I can feel myself diving into hysteria but can’t stop it. I can’t stop the rush of emotion from sweeping me there. When my mouth opens, Vitaly covers it with his palm and holds me firmly while I try to pry him off.
“ You were too young .”
My hands pause before lowering at my sides. I’m no longer fighting him, but Vitaly keeps his palm over my mouth.
“And I resented the idea of marriage to begin with,” he hisses in my ear. “I was entitled. I considered you a burden before I ever laid eyes on you, and when I saw how young you were … I panicked. I’m sorry my actions hurt you that day. I wasn’t at the time, and because I know you want my honesty, I’ll even say I wasn’t truly sorry until right now.” He pulls back from my ear and slowly removes his hand from my mouth, like he thinks I may scream. His eyes search my face. “I had no idea how badly I hurt you.”
I scoff but have to look away from the sincerity on his face. “You know how things work. I got one shot. Nobody would have wanted me after I’d been rejected by your family… My father never even tried.”
“I did know. And I didn’t care, but that’s not what I’m talking about.”
His rough palm cups my jaw and moves it to face him, the warmth from his touch a pang in my chest. The first tear I’ve shed in nine years slips from my eye, breaking my vow to myself. It makes me hate Vitaly just a little more, but somehow, also a little less.
He catches the tear with his thumb and rubs it into my cheek. “Mila, there is nothing wrong with you.” His eyes move to my lips as he lets out a heavy breath. “You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You’re tenacious . Loyal to a fault… You can throw knives and beat the shit out of grown men.” He chuckles lightly, his lips lifting higher on one side.
When he pushes back hair behind my ear, another tear falls, but I’m not so sure I feel sad. I don’t know what I feel. But I know I want him to keep talking.
“You’re a warrior ,” Vitaly continues, his lips flattening to match the seriousness in his voice. “I’m so sorry I didn’t give you a chance to show me who you were… But at the same time, I’m grateful you didn’t have to see who I was.”
“I heard all about you,” I whisper, though I’m not sure why. He flinches like all the stories must be bad, must reveal the monster he believes he was. Or is.
Nikita blames him for his brother’s—Vitaly’s father’s—death.
Does Vitaly?
I frown. Of course he does.
“People say you were sickeningly charming. And funny. And sure, selfish, but impossibly fun to be around. Basically, the opposite of me.”
He seems to try to smile, but it’s sad. “I wouldn’t say that description fits me anymore.”
I know. We aren’t friends, and I didn’t know him before, but I can see that he’s hardened. So am I. And though I never knew him before, I can guess that I like this version better. Or at least I can tolerate this version better.
My eyes wander past Vitaly as I think about Alexa. About what she must think. Does she like this version better?
“We didn’t have sex.”
I bring my eyes, narrowed in confusion, back to Vitaly.
“Just like everyone else, she wanted to know why I came back. Apparently, Nikita isn’t a peach to work with. She offered me the Italians’ support.”
“What did you tell her?”
“The truth.”
I search his amber eyes for exactly what he just said… The truth. When I find it, my breath catches. All at once, it makes sense to me why Alik said to show my pain. For this. For this look in his eyes. For the truth .
And all at once, I hope with everything I have that Alik isn’t watching. Can’t hear the words I speak next.
“You really did come back for me.”
He nods without hesitation.
“But…” I shake my head. “You don’t even know me.”
“My father believed he did,” Vitaly says, his voice certain, like that’s truly enough of a reason. “And for once in my life, I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
He didn’t want to disappoint him.
My heart squeezes, but it isn’t for myself. It’s for Vitaly. All the pain I swim in is reflected in his eyes. He looks achingly handsome, but he also looks like he hasn’t had a full night of sleep in a decade. He told me this reasoning once before, but I didn’t believe him. Now I don’t know how those eyes could ever lie.
“That’s noble,” I whisper, meaning it. “But I’m never going to leave the Bratva.” My eyes lower to his chest, and I tell myself it isn’t out of shame, but still, my ears heat. “I know you don’t understand it, but?—”
“I understand.” He takes my cheek and caresses it until I look at him, my heart beating quickly.
“This is your home,” he says, matter-of-factly. As if he hasn’t questioned my sanity every day. “Where else would you go?”
Alekseevs don’t run away.
They don’t just leave . They don’t desert.
He understands? Truly?
He runs the pad of his thumb along my lower lip. “I think this is my home too.”
“No,” I say immediately. “Nikita is just waiting?—”
“I know.” Vitaly nods. “But I’m not going to leave you here. If he’s going to try to kill me, I hope he does his best. I won’t lay down.”
I take a step away from Vitaly, a shudder running over my shoulders. “I’m not on your side.”
There’s fear in my voice, but I don’t know what exactly I’m afraid of. I don’t want him to misunderstand me.
“You’re right about me,” I say, trying to lighten my tone, as if this is funny. “I’m loyal to a fault.”
He smiles a small, kind smile. “I know.”
With a tip of his head, he gestures to his Jeep parked a little way down the street. “Come on. I want to take you somewhere.”
He starts toward his Jeep then stops to hold his hand out for me.
“Where?”
“Don’t you trust me?”
I snort. “No.”
He lets out a soft chuckle before stretching his arm farther toward me. “Fair enough, but come with me anyway.”
Biting my lip, I look around, searching for Alik in the shadows. It feels like a bad idea to leave with Vitaly. It could give Alik the wrong idea.
Then again, manipulating Vitaly is what I’m supposed to be doing. Even if it’s the last thing I want to be doing.
Turning back to him, I take his warm hand, feeling a shiver run up my spine at the touch.
I tell myself it’s nerves. Maybe even a recoil. After all, this is my enemy.
But I know it’s a lie.