Walking on Sunshine

Chapter 1

I already felt like I had negotiated my fair share of challenges since Dad died eighteen months ago – funeral arrangements, probate, the family house sale, the sharing of Dad’s possessions between me and my older brother, Zack, and my thirtieth birthday to name a few – but now I was in the midst of what I considered to be some Even Bigger Ones.

Having had my fill of the nine-to-five routine, working as an HR manager for a business that would have been far more successful had the owners been truly invested in the welfare of the staff I had helped them recruit, I had worked my notice period and, with my worldly goods, along with most of Zack’s, all safely in storage, I was now heading to the village of Willowell in the Suffolk countryside to complete a task that was destined to feel like yet another ending, ahead of flying to Spain to spend a few restorative weeks of the summer with my brother.

‘Tilly!’ Zack’s familiar voice filled the car as I pulled into a convenient lay-by and answered his call. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I should think so, too.’ I pretended to scold him as I turned off the engine.

Though actually, I was genuinely a little frustrated that he’d gone off grid right at the point when I needed his brand of brotherly encouragement and rousing pep talks the most. ‘I really could have done with you these last few weeks.’

‘I truly am sorry for disappearing,’ he said sincerely. ‘You know what my work environment can be like. But you have done it, haven’t you? You have finally left that job you’d long fallen out of love with?’

‘I have,’ I confirmed, feeling proud that I’d stuck to my guns, stopped fretting about the loss of a regular pay cheque and made the break even without his rallying cries from the sidelines of my life.

‘And I’ll never have another like it again.

I’m done with being stuck in an office for forty-plus hours a week. ’

‘Good for you, Sis!’ Zack laughed. ‘But it hasn’t really been that long since we last spoke, has it?’ He sounded unsure.

‘Yes, Zack,’ I said patiently. ‘It has. Check your bank account if you don’t believe me. The last time we were in touch was the day we received the money from Dad’s estate. Three weeks ago, today.’

So much had happened in those twenty-one days that it felt like even longer to me.

‘You know, I’m still not comfortable—’

‘Yes,’ I quickly cut in before he got into his stride. ‘I do know you’re still not comfortable about it, but it’s what Dad wanted. What I wanted, too. A split of everything he left shared equally between us.’

Zack hadn’t been happy with Dad’s will from the moment it was read. He thought that I, having been the one who had looked after our father because he worked and lived abroad and had done for years, should have received the lion’s share of the money, but Dad hadn’t wanted that and neither had I.

It was Zack, five years older than me, who had helped Dad pick up the pieces after Mum had died when he was in his teens and I was still at primary school, and that, as far as I was concerned, meant between us we’d done our bit.

Heartbreakingly, we had lost both our parents to cancer but we’d done everything we could, and that our ages and circumstances allowed, to emotionally support one another through the trauma of it.

‘But—’

‘Never mind but,’ I cut in sternly. ‘Now, tell me exactly where you’re calling from. You are still in Spain, aren’t you?’

He was silent for a second.

‘Zack?’

‘No,’ he confessed, and I could tell he was grimacing and feeling guilty because he was only now getting around to filling me in. ‘I’m not. You haven’t booked your flight yet, have you?’

‘Funnily enough,’ I told him, because I was used to him relocating at a moment’s notice, ‘I haven’t. I thought I’d better wait in case you moved again. So, where are you now? And more importantly, can I still come and see you?’

‘I’m on my way back to Bali, and yes, you can still come and see me.’

I let out a breath and had a quick think. Bali was a world away from Spain and I wasn’t sure I was in the mood for a long-haul getaway.

‘Remind me again what the project in Bali is,’ I stalled, while I tried to reconcile my mind with joining him there.

‘Mangrove restoration,’ he said concisely. ‘The project is well underway, but I’ve been asked to go back and check its progress. I’m going to be there for at least a couple of months.’

‘I’ve heard that before,’ I teased, surprised he’d be staying in one place for more than two seconds together.

When Zack and I were growing up, we’d both been adamant that our adult jobs would revolve around spending as much time out of doors as possible.

Zack had caught the horticultural bug from Mum, and our annual summer camping trips to Willowell with Dad, which were classic Enid Blyton-style adventures, had inspired me, and we had both dreamt of pursuing our passions into adulthood.

Zack had succeeded admirably and travelled the world setting up and monitoring a whole host of plant-based conservation projects.

I, however, down to a need for security which I now wondered if losing Mum at such an impressionable age could have accounted for, had set my childhood dreams aside and as an adult made completely different choices.

Unlike my brother, I had settled for the reassurance of structure and routine.

I could see now that losing Mum hadn’t impacted on Zack in the same way as me; he hadn’t lost his ability to make brave choices, but then we weren’t the same person and the age difference between us probably explained a lot.

However, thanks to a couple of things that had serendipitously happened to me during the last year and a half, I was finally, slowly making my towards the life I’d always secretly wanted, but for a long time, hadn’t had the courage to embrace.

‘I know,’ Zack sighed. ‘But I mean it this time. I’m staying put for as long as I can.’

‘Of course you are.’ I nodded.

‘I’m tired, Tills,’ he said, and I realised he genuinely sounded it. ‘And I can’t bear to even begin tallying up my carbon footprint. All these flights…’

‘Just keep focusing on all the good you’re doing,’ I encouraged him as his words trailed off. ‘And if it’ll make you feel any better, perhaps I won’t come out. That’ll be one less trip to add to our combined number of miles spent traversing the globe.’

Not that I’d done all that much criss-crossing. Not compared to him, anyway.

‘No, you must,’ he insisted. ‘Now you’ve jacked in your job and have finally remembered how amazing it feels to spend more time outdoors than in, I want to help you keep going. Were they upset to lose you at the charity you’d been volunteering with?’

‘They were, actually.’ I swallowed, thinking of the wonderful people and the beautiful place I’d left behind at the wellbeing charity, Woodland Adventures. ‘Those woods and the people connected to them are what I’m going to miss now I’ve moved on. My weekends won’t be the same without them.’

Along with everything else, I’d also given up my room in the house I’d short-term shared with two other people, but never really bonded with, after the house I’d lived in with Dad had been sold.

So, along with my HR job and the colleagues there who I had little in common with, and my partner, Lee, who I’d parted company with when it became obvious that the rediscovered outdoorsy me wasn’t the version he wanted to be with, my ties to my old life were well and truly cut.

With the nest egg from Dad sitting safely in the bank, I now had space in my life to embrace a new adventure, and it was that that I forced myself to focus on, rather than feeling upset about leaving the team at Woodland Adventures behind.

The end of my romantic relationship had been no loss – I had no desire to squeeze myself back into a shape that had never been the right fit, and especially for a man who couldn’t accept the new me – but the day I left the woods for the last time had broken my heart a bit.

‘It’s time for a new adventure,’ Zack said stoically, astutely echoing my thoughts as he often did, but I wondered if he meant just for me or both of us. ‘And at the risk of sounding like a cracked record, I’m sorry I can’t be with you this week.’

‘It’s fine,’ I said, as I glanced at the packed cardboard box on the passenger seat. ‘We’ll be fine.’

‘Tell him I’m really sorry, won’t you?’

‘You can tell him yourself, if you like.’ I smiled. ‘He’s right here next to me.’

‘Seriously?’ Zack laughed.

‘It didn’t feel right putting him in the boot,’ I said, shifting a couple of things so that I could check that the wooden box containing Dad’s ashes hadn’t become dislodged.

It was packed in with a hat, a couple of small photo albums and childhood holiday journals that I hadn’t wanted to put into storage and had been planning to take to Spain.

‘That feels weird,’ Zack said, but I could tell he was smiling. ‘Though if I was transporting him, I daresay I would have let him ride shotgun, too.’

‘Of course you would.’

‘Are you going to let him go tonight?’

‘Yes.’ I swallowed. ‘I don’t want to put it off and as it’s the solstice, it feels fitting.’

‘Crikey, the solstice,’ Zack sighed. ‘The mid-point of the year. Where are the months going?’ He sounded wistful again. ‘I really should have been back more…’

‘I keep telling you, it’s okay,’ I reminded him, because I didn’t want him feeling even worse. ‘Honestly. But this is the right time to do it, isn’t it?’

‘Absolutely,’ Zack confirmed. ‘The solstice is the perfect time for transitions and change, so ideal. And I’ll raise a glass to us all, wherever I happen to be tonight, your time.’

‘Oh, Zack,’ I whispered, as I felt a lump form in my throat and the prickle of tears that were still quick to gather, even though I was moving on with my life.

‘I’d better go,’ he said, and I could hear his voice was thick with emotion, too. ‘Let me know how you find Willowell, won’t you? I hope it hasn’t changed.’