43. Roman
CHAPTER 43
ROMAN
Walking away from Carson and Margot was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I had a shift. I’d kissed Margot’s head, stared into Carson’s eyes, and said, “Call me.” He’d agreed, and I’d walked out of the room, looking back over my shoulder at the door. I sighed, stepped out of the room, and went to work.
Now, hours later, I headed to my car after my shift. Carson messaged me when they stuck him on the shuttle bus from the hospital to the airfield. Then again, just before they lifted off. He’d promised to text when they landed and to call when he got home.
Clicking the key fob, I unlocked the car and sank into the driver’s seat. My head dropped forward, hitting the steering wheel between my hands. The pain was nothing compared to the gaping hole where my heart should be. I’d known for years that Carson Wilcox owned me, heart and soul, but the reality of it blew me away.
To say half my heart flew off to the U.S. and the other half would be gone come morning was putting it mildly. Once Margot was born, I’d felt like part of my soul walked around outside my body, and since Carson and I got our heads unstuck, it now felt like my heart, soul, and reason for being were no longer mine, that they lived elsewhere.
I was fine with that when we were together, but with Carson gone, everything felt disjointed and out of sync.
My phone buzzed in my pocket with an incoming call, but I ignored it. The only person I wanted to talk to was Carson. The buzzing stopped, only to start back after just a few seconds. Pulling it out, shock struck me when I saw his name on my screen.
I swiped my thumb across the screen, eager to hear his voice. I didn’t know how I’d get through deployments or missions, but I’d figure it out because he was worth it.
“Hey, Ensign.”
“Hey, yourself, doc.”
“I didn’t expect your call for another hour.”
“We had great tailwinds, and the flight crew seemed in a hurry to get home.”
I chuckled. Some of the Air Force pilots I’d flown with over the years flew their planes like they manned the cockpit of a fighter jet and not a transport plane.
“How’re you getting home?”
“Foster picked me up. We’re heading back to Vah Beach now.”
“Good. Are your parents on the way?”
“Don’t remind me. Mama blew my phone up while I was in the air. If she has her way, she’ll fatten me up to the point I’m not deployable.”
“Yeah, I don’t see that happening, but remember, you need to be careful. That leg needs to be babied, still.”
A deep voice rumbled in the background, and Carson chuckled. “Roman just said the same thing.”
“Tell Foster I appreciate the backup.”
“Yeah, no. I don’t need the two of you ganging up on me. So, are you still working?”
“No. I just got off.”
I facepalmed when he burst out laughing.
“Don’t say it.”
His laughter grew until he snorted. “That’s a big ask, doc.”
“You’re an ass.”
“Yep. Best get used to that.”
“As long as you’re my ass.”
“Yours and only yours.”
“Damn straight. Okay, change of topic because driving with a hard-on is uncomfortable.”
“Damn. I was going to ask to speak with my girl. How is she?”
“Ecstatic. Mama and Margot spent the day packing. I’m heading home to them now.”
“Awesome. Foster’s having a cookout, so she’ll get to meet his boys.”
“How many does he have?”
Carson laughed. “Five. I keep waiting to hear Julie’s pregnant again.”
Another deep rumble and Carson said, “Foster said he likes his junk where it is, and he’s afraid Julie will give up sex indefinitely if he knocks her up again.”
Five kids. I couldn’t imagine. There were days when Margot ran me ragged all on her own, and I said as much.
“Yeah, I don’t know how my brothers and Foster and Julie do it. By the way, Foster mentioned something I hadn’t thought of.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Margot’s going to be here for Easter?”
“I know. It’s fine. I’ve gotta work.”
“Yeah, but I don’t have a clue.”
I laughed at him. He was taking getting to know her so seriously. “What’s there to worry about? It’s a basket filled with candy and toys. You got one every year from your mama.”
“So, there’s no weird traditions I should know about?”
“Nope. Take her to an egg hunt and set the basket out. We’re not churchy so the religious aspects don’t factor in too much.”
His sigh of relief was so deep and loud he could’ve been sitting next to me.
“Besides, both our mothers will be there. They’ll make sure you don’t screw anything up too bad.”
“Hey!”
“Don’t get offended. How do you think I’ve gotten through the years since Margot was born? Mama was there holding my hand and making sure I didn’t screw up. You’ll be fine.”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll quit worrying. You get home safe.”
“You do the same. Later.”
“Later.”
We hung up, and I made my way to the gate. The phone call with Carson delayed me enough that traffic off the base wasn’t nearly as thick as usual.
When I got home, I found Mama and Margo in the kitchen, cooking up a storm. Steam billowed from several pots. The aroma coming from the oven made my stomach growl, reminding me I’d survived the day on a ham sandwich and several cups of coffee.
“Hello, ladies. What are you up to?”
“Daddy! Nana and I are going to vagina!”
“Virginia, punkin.”
“That’s what I said. We’re going to vagina to see Carson and Misser Cal and Mrs. Georgie. Nana says you’re useless in the kitchen so we’re pricking food, so you don’t eat junky.”
Vagina?
Pricking?
Mama doubled over, laughing silently. I squatted in front of Margot.
“Margot, I think you meant to say Vir-gin-ia, not va-gina, and it’s prepping, not pricking.”
“Are you sure?”
Mama snorted.
“Yes, punkin. I’m sure. Can you say them for me?”
Her little face screwed up as she worked to pronounce the words correctly, mastering them without too much effort. I would need to tell Carson what to expect and how to react in case she came off with something odd. The first few times she said truck, Mama smacked me upside the head.
“Are you packed up and ready for your plane ride?”
“Yep. I gots my toys, and colors, and color books. Oh, and Nana and I made snacks, too.”
“What about clothes? Did you pack any of those?”
“Daddy, you’re silly.”
I kissed her forehead and hugged my mother.
“Mama, I can cook or eat on base. There was no need for you to put so much on yourself.”
“Pshhh. You hush. Besides, I’m trying to wear the Little Miss out, so she sleeps on the plane.”
“Gotcha. Is any of this to eat tonight?”
“You didn’t eat today, did you?”
“We had a couple of pretty complicated cases come in.”
“Go get changed, and I’ll put something on the table for us. That way, you and Margot can eat together.”
I kissed her cheek and headed upstairs to do as she said.
Carson
Made it home.
Roman
How are you feeling?
Carson
Good. Long flight, so I’m stiff and not in the way I’d like to be.
Roman
Your head’s in the gutter again.
Carson
Yes, and it’s likely to stay there.
I have years and years and years of celibacy to make up for.
Roman
True. I look forward to helping you play catch up.
Carson
BTW what time should I be at the airport to pick up my girls?
Roman
I’ll text you the flight info when I get back downstairs, but your dad messaged and said they’d pick them up.
Carson
That works. It means I have the house to myself for a bit.
Roman
Speaking of Margot...
Carson
Is she alright?
Roman
She’s fine. I just wanted to give you a heads-up.
She’s very excited to go to Vagina to see you. Also, she and Mama have spent the day pricking food, so I don’t eat junk food.
Carson
I’m sorry, but what?
Roman
Welcome to the world of preschoolers.
Carson
I’m hoping vagina is Virginia, but I’ve got no clue about pricking.
Roman
They’re prepping meals for me. When she first learned the word truck it wasn’t truck that she said.
My phone rang. I answered, but he was speaking as soon as the call connected.
“She said fuck didn’t she.”
“Yes. She was a tiny, adorable two-year-old with the tiniest little pigtails walking around yelling fuck every time she saw a pickup. Then there was the time we ran into my commanding officer in Houston. He drove this huge, jacked-up truck, and Margot walked up to him and said, “You have a huge fuck”.”
I didn’t mention to Carson the guy and I were fuck buddies, and he had smirked at me when he said, “Yes, I do.”
“You screwed him, didn’t you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“You screwed your CO?”
I groaned. So much for not divulging stuff that would make him feel a certain kinda way.
“Yes. We were fuck buddies for a few months. Nothing more.”
He kept quiet for several minutes, and as much as I wanted to say something, I already felt like the hole I dug was knee-deep, so I kept my trap shut.
“How’s that work?”
Confused, I asked, “What? The CO thing or the buddy thing?”
“The buddy thing. I’m assuming he was hot and gay, so even though he was your CO, y’all clicked or used that radar thing.”
“Gaydar, and yes, we bumped into each other at a gay club. As for the buddy thing, it’s two people who are attracted to each other and want to fuck but aren’t looking for a relationship.”
“Like a booty call?”
“Hmm. Kinda. A booty call is a person who’s down to fuck, but who you don’t normally hang out with. A fuck buddy is a friends with benefits kinda thing. We weren’t really friends, but we did have a relationship outside of sex. We fell in the middle of a booty call and fuck buddies, so maybe he’d be better classified as a standing booty call.”
“I think I’m going to need a dictionary.”
“I’ll send you one.”
“There’s actually such a thing?”
I tried to keep the laughter out of my voice. He was a badass in everything but his sexuality, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I definitely didn’t want him to think I was laughing at him.
“Yeah. There’s a book. It’s called The Joy of Gay Sex. It’s not all-inclusive, but it’ll get you started.”
“You can laugh, doc. I’m not going to be offended.”
“I don’t want you thinking…”
“And appreciate that.”
“Daddy! Nana says it’s time to eat.”
“Go eat with our girl. I’ll talk to you later.”
His calling her our girl filled me with so much elation that I couldn’t hold that in.
“I love that you feel that way.”
“Good, I’m glad. Now go. And don’t forget to send me their travel info.”
I chuckled and hung up the phone even though it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do.
I walked back downstairs to the kitchen, pausing at the door to watch Mama and Margot. They were setting the table with Mama’s good dishes. Margot walked in front of Mama, who handed her plates and silverware, then helped her place it in the right spot. She’d taught me the same way. Carson and his brothers had learned, too, once I met them all, and they started coming over for dinner.
I would miss them so much, but I felt deep in my soul they needed to be with Carson. Or rather, Carson needed them to be with him. Or maybe it was six of one and a half dozen of another. All I knew was I would be on my own, and everyone I cared for would be half a world away. Talk about FOMO.
“Daddy, I’m helping.”
Margot’s bright, smiling face shone. My girl was a helper.
“I see that, punkin. You’re doing so good.”
“That’s what Nana says, too.”
We sat down to eat, and I spent the rest of the night listening to them talk about all the places and people they were looking forward to visiting while they were in Virginia. It made me question whether bringing them to Germany was the right call. I’d missed a year of Margot’s life while deployed, so I jumped at moving them across the pond, but had it been selfish.
“Roman?”
I shook my head and looked around. Margot danced from the room, singing to my mother. “Yeah?”
“Do you want to give her a bath?”
“Yeah. I do. Thanks.”
I stood to follow my daughter, but Mama called out, stopping me. “Are you okay, Roman?”
“Yeah, Mama.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Roman.”
My eyes widened at her curse.
“Just second-guessing some decisions, that’s all.”
“What decisions?”
“All of them?” I laughed mirthlessly.
“Margot or Carson?”
“Do I have to choose?”
“What mistakes do you think you made?”
“That list is too long to get into, but mostly, leaving Carson a decade ago instead of telling him how I felt, and after listening to the two of you, did I make a mistake by uprooting you and Margot.”
“Yes and no.”
Scoffing, I asked, “What?”
“Yes, you made a mistake a decade ago. But, bringing Margot to Germany wasn’t a mistake, Roman. She needed you, and you needed her.”
I sighed, “Thank you for that. I agree with you about the first one. We missed a decade together because I was a coward. As for Margot… I’m not sure I agree. Either way, Carson needs this time with Margot, to forge a relationship with her. It will be so much easier now while he’s undeployable.”
“I’m glad you guys have figured things out.”
Chuckles burst from me as I rubbed the back of my neck. “They’re definitely not figured out, and we still have to keep things on the down low, but we want to be together.”
“If you could, would you marry him?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
“DADDY!”
“Be there in a minute, punkin!”
“Okay. Me and my toys are in the tub.”
“Margot, you cannot take a bath with your clothes on.”
“I know, silly. I’m nakey.”
Mama and I both laughed. One day, I knew I’d miss her antics, but there were times she was too much.
“Go before Little Miss Independent floods the bathroom.”
I kissed Mama’s cheek and made my way upstairs.