Chapter Six
Cameron sat on a quilt on the floor, grinning as the four puppies tumbled all around and over his legs, each vying for his attention. He laughed at their antics; it was a warmer and healthier sound, if still a bit garbled. He’d just gotten home, courtesy of Miri, who’d picked him up at the hospital and shuttled him and the dogs home.
“Do you have any idea how much of a mess these little monsters make?” Miri asked grudgingly. “I can’t tell you how much hair is all over my apartment.”
“I told you that you had to brush them.” Cameron laughed again as the dogs cavorted. “But they’re worth it. Did you ever remember their names?”
Miri rolled her eyes. “No. I called the yellow one No, the red one Bad Dog, the white one Get Off That, and the blue one Stop It,” she said drolly, referring to the colors of their tiny woven collars.
“That’ll do,” Cameron said as he picked up Saffron and cuddled her close.
“All right. Lunch,” Miri said to change the subject. “I brought several dinners from Jean-Michel, and he said if you want anything specific, anything at all, just call the restaurant, and he’ll send it over.”
“You all take such good care of me,” Cameron told her, preoccupied by being made into terrain by sixteen tiny feet. Miri smiled from where she stood at the bar and started unpacking the bags.
Cameron ran his fingers through the puppies’ soft coats as he leaned back against the couch, taking it easy. He was tired after the trip home. He could tell he was much improved, but he was under doctor’s orders to stay at home at least another week. He wondered what he’d do, besides Tuesday night and Friday.
That turned his mind to Julian. What Julian had said at the hospital bothered Cameron. He was concerned and a little afraid of the hints at some mysterious danger. It was so much easier to remain ignorant of what Julian did when he wasn’t around. Because when Cameron began wondering and asking questions, even if he never actually voiced them out loud, he grew tense and worried. Sometimes, though, he couldn’t help himself. What if what Julian did was illegal? Cameron already knew his job was dangerous, despite Julian’s assurances that he would be okay. And every time he saw Julian hurt, Cameron got a little more scared for his lover. And now, perhaps the smallest bit for himself.
Julian seemed fearless. If he was frightened for Cameron, shouldn’t Cameron be afraid as well?
He snapped out of his thoughts when the phone rang. The handset was just within reach, so he waved Miri off and stretched out to pick it up. “Hello?”
“How are you?” Julian’s soft voice questioned.
Cameron’s eyes flew across the room to check on Miri. She was busy in the kitchen, unwrapping things.
“I’m doing better now. Still taking it slow, though.” His voice warmed as he spoke. He’d missed Julian since their last visit in the hospital, where he’d ended up staying for a total of four days. Julian hadn’t come back to visit him, even on Friday, and Cameron had tried not to worry.
“That’s good. What are you doing right now?”
“Playing with the puppies while Miri fixes me some lunch. Jean-Michel sent over all my favorites, enough food for an army.”
The line was silent for some time. “She’s treating you well?”
While Cameron was mostly used to Julian’s long pauses, he was also accustomed to having Julian in front of him when they occurred. It was hard enough to decipher Julian’s emotions in person. On the phone, it was virtually impossible. So the pause and the question caught Cameron off guard.
“Yeah, she’s great,” he answered sincerely. “I could probably even get her to do my laundry.”
“Good.” The word had so many meanings when Julian said it, depending on the way he said it or the look in his eyes. Cameron realized this was the first time he’d ever spoken to his lover on the phone. He wasn’t sure he liked it.
“Uh-huh,” Cameron responded, shaking his head a little. “Any particular reason you ask?” he asked carefully.
Another quiet spell met Cameron’s query. “I’m afraid to tell you,” Julian mumbled.
“Why?” Cameron asked slowly. Their last conversation had been very emotional, something unusual for Julian, and Cameron still thought about it with some shiver of foreboding. He found himself wary of asking questions now, and when he did, more and more hesitant to ask anything that Julian might not answer.
“Because you’ll laugh at me,” Julian told him with a slight huff. “I’m jealous,” he admitted. “I can make soup,” he muttered. He sounded uncharacteristically cranky.
Cameron stayed quiet for a long moment as he reveled in the happiness those words gave him. Julian didn’t talk about himself much at all, and he rarely, if ever, admitted to many emotions or faults. “I’m not laughing,” he said gently.
“Yeah, you are,” Julian grumbled. “You sound better,” he added.
Cameron thought a smile was evident in his voice.
“I feel better,” Cameron agreed. “Except—”
“What?” Julian asked.
“I miss you,” Cameron said. “This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing you in months.”
“I miss you too,” Julian responded immediately, though he didn’t offer an excuse for his absence.
Cameron smiled happily. “Two more days to get through until Tuesday.”
The silence stretched on. Then finally, “I’ve got to go out of town Monday. I may not be back.”
The disappointment hit Cameron hard, like a physical blow. “As long as you mean may not be back by Tuesday rather than may not be back at all,” he said, a quiver in his voice.
“Of course,” Julian affirmed hastily. “I’m going to try, but... it could be very late.”
“Just be careful. Please. Better late than never, right?” Cameron said in a hushed voice as he gripped the handset.
“Of course,” Julian repeated. “Cameron,” he added hesitantly.
“What I do... I’m not the one in danger, usually,” he informed him softly. “You know that, right?”
Cameron closed his eyes, some little frightened part of him inside easing its grip around his heart. “I’d hoped so,” he whispered. “Didn’t know for sure.”
Again, Julian fell silent. It was frustrating, wondering what he might be thinking as the line buzzed with dead air.
“You tell Miri to take care,” Julian finally said. “And you. Be healthy when I get back.”
“I haven’t told her about you,” Cameron said reluctantly.
“Do you want to?”
Cameron looked up and across the room to where she puttered in the kitchen as the microwave hummed. He sighed. “I don’t know. I know you very much value your privacy.”
“My privacy is nothing to your happiness. If you want to tell your friend, do it,” Julian told him firmly. “All I ask is that you tell her I deal in antiques, if she asks.”
Cameron closed his free arm around himself, shifting uncomfortably. “I understand.”
“Do you?” Julian asked carefully.
“As much as I can, I guess,” Cameron said in resignation. “Can’t really give away something I don’t know.”
“Cameron,” Julian said quietly. “Are you okay with this?”
“Okay with what? Doing what I can to keep you safe?”
Julian was silent for another uncomfortably long moment. “I have to go,” he finally said regretfully. “Take care of yourself.”
“I’ll be thinking about you,” Cameron murmured.
“See you soon, love,” Julian said, and the line went dead.
Cameron’s breath caught when he heard the endearment. It had stopped sounding out of place when Julian said it, but it still made his pulse flutter. He sat there staring at the wall for a long time, only jumping slightly when the phone started beeping at him to remind him he hadn’t hung up. He thumbed off the handset, closed his eyes, and sighed.
He wanted Julian here now, not later. It wasn’t fair to have only two days a week to begin with. To have one taken away made it even worse.
“Cameron?”
He looked up to see Miri waiting with a tray.
“Is it ready?” he asked uncomfortably, hoping he hadn’t looked too distraught.
“Yeah, I heated up the goose. Something nice and fattening for you. You lost weight in the hospital.” She poked his arm as she sat down and handed him one of the two plates.
“Yeah, a little,” Cameron acknowledged softly.
They ate quietly for a few minutes. “So. Who was that on the phone that put that look on your face?” Miri finally asked.
Cameron looked up at her, trying to decide what—if anything—to say.
Julian stood on the sidewalk, ignoring the snow flurries and staring up at the window he knew looked into Cameron’s apartment. It was late, well past midnight. And it was no longer Tuesday. He wrestled with the fact that he was here at all. It would be all too easy for Cameron to get hurt because of him.
It still bothered him that Cameron discounted his warnings so quickly. Julian didn’t know what he could tell him to impress the seriousness of the situation upon him without telling him the cold, hard truth. And that would certainly drive him away. But as much as he wanted Cameron with him, Julian couldn’t bear the thought of seeing his lover hurt because of him.
He wouldn’t let himself think about how he would feel if Cameron actually agreed with him and ended their relationship. It was a hard place to find himself, trying to do the honorable thing while at the same time hoping it wouldn’t work.
Julian peered up and down the street indecisively and then slowly made his way toward the entrance to the building. When he got upstairs to Cameron’s condo, he knocked gently.
When Cameron threw open the door several moments later, Julian stood in the hallway, hulking and covered with melting snow, expression blank as he tried to hide the nerves that surfaced. What if Cameron had changed his mind and didn’t want to see him? He wouldn’t blame the man for it.
But Julian broke into a smile as soon as he saw Cameron. It was obvious he’d been waiting up. “Sorry I’m late,” he offered.
Reaching out to grab Julian’s arm, Cameron practically yanked him inside the apartment so he could shut and lock the door behind them. Then he turned and threw his arms around Julian’s neck, hugging him close without saying a word.
Julian wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. He rested his chin on top of Cameron’s head and closed his eyes. “You look better,” he finally murmured.
Cameron pulled back just enough to look up at Julian’s face. “You look tired,” he said as he pressed his palm lightly against Julian’s cheek.
“Well . . .”
Cameron shook his head ever so slightly. “We’ll talk later. Bed. Sleep.” He stepped back, pushing Julian’s coat off his shoulders. It fell with a soft whoosh to the floor, covering three of the four puppies, who continued to yip and romp playfully beneath the expensive material as the fourth sat and looked at the coat with her head tilted to the side.
Julian stood motionless, paying the dogs no attention. He met Cameron’s eyes seriously. “I’ve had a hard night,” he admitted.
Leaving the coat, Cameron looked Julian up and down, and Julian knew he was looking for any telltale signs of injuries. When he didn’t find any, he visibly screwed up his courage and said, “If you want to talk, I’ll listen.”
Julian was silent, frowning heavily. Finally, he gave a slight shake of his head. Cameron didn’t need to hear about any of the things that bothered him. He didn’t need to hear about how even Julian suffered from a guilty conscience occasionally. He didn’t need to hear about how handlers and assets were turning up dead left and right in other major cities. He didn’t need to hear that word was getting around that someone who knew the way the game was played had suddenly changed the rules. He didn’t need to hear about how it might very well be every man for himself soon enough.
“Bed sounds wonderful,” Julian said instead.
“C’mon,” Cameron said softly, taking Julian’s hand and leading him toward the bedroom.
Julian was tired, more so than usual after an out-of-town job. The job was hard enough when things went to plan. When they didn’t, innocent people got hurt, assets got exposed, things caught fire and occasionally blew up... It got messy. Julian wanted nothing more than to sink into bed next to Cameron and forget it all for a while.
“Did you tell your friend?” he asked softly as he dragged behind Cameron obediently.
Cameron looked over his shoulder as they passed the dividers.
“Yeah,” he answered. “A little bit, anyway.”
“How’d that go?” Julian asked wryly.
“Not so well,” Cameron admitted with a wince. “I wouldn’t tell her near what she wanted to know.” He stopped at the foot of the bed and started undoing Julian’s tie.
Julian placed his hands on Cameron’s hips and watched him ardently as Cameron fussed with his tie. If he had his choice, he’d never look away. “I’m sorry,” he finally whispered.
Pulling the tie free of Julian’s collar, Cameron started on the buttons of his shirt without saying anything. He glanced up at Julian and bit his lip. “You’re more important to me.”
Julian didn’t respond as he watched Cameron undress him. He wasn’t really sure what kind of declaration would pour out of him if he opened his mouth.
Cameron finished with his shirt buttons and took up one hand to unfasten Julian’s cuff. “She’d pretty much guessed it was you,” he said.
“It?” Julian asked with a raised eyebrow as he waited for Cameron to continue.
Cameron smiled. “What’s been making me so happy.”
Julian blinked at him in surprise and then smiled weakly. Happy. If only for a little while, anyway.
Cameron raised an eyebrow. “What? It’s true.”
“Good,” Julian murmured.
Cameron’s brighter smile and gleaming eyes transformed him, putting some more color in his pale cheeks, and he pressed himself as close as he could get to Julian, curling one arm around his neck, the other around his waist. It had taken Julian a little time to get used to the random and sudden hugs Cameron liked to steal, but he had grown to enjoy them quite a bit.
He slid his arms around Cameron and held him close, resting his chin on Cameron’s head again. “Some nights,” he said, “all I can think about is being here and holding you.”
“Nights you’re not with me,” Cameron whispered. “Too many nights,” he added sadly.
“Yes,” Julian breathed, regret tightening his chest. “I’m sorry.” He hated saying those words; he seemed to say them to Cameron all the time. But he couldn’t risk being here more than he already was. It might already be too much. Having a routine was a dangerous thing.
Tuesdays at the restaurant were already a dangerous game he played.
Soon enough, someone would uncover where to find him on Fridays as well. But to do it any differently would be to risk his carefully constructed house of cards to chaos.
Cameron pulled back enough to kiss him longingly as he pulled Julian’s shirt from his waistband. There was no point in saying anything else, and they both knew it. Julian was the only one who could change the way things were, and he wasn’t willing to do that.
Yet.
He reached for Cameron’s hands as they brushed along his back and stilled them gently. “I have... I have a slight injury,” he admitted softly.
“Injury?” Cameron asked worriedly, pulling his hands away.
“Just a pulled muscle, I think,” Julian told him. “My back. Missed a step in the dark,” he admitted with a slight blush. It had been a really long step, actually, with a very sudden stop. But Cameron didn’t need to know that either. “As long as you’re careful.”
Some of the tension invested in Cameron’s shoulders relaxed.
“Better than being shot,” he muttered, taking the time to push Julian’s shirt over his shoulders.
Julian smiled slightly. “I rarely get shot while dealing antiques,” he said, barely restraining a snicker.
Cameron rolled his eyes. “Antiques. How in the world did you come up with that? Is it even remotely close to what you do?” He moved around Julian, helping him remove the shirt so he wouldn’t have to twist.
“Remotely,” Julian answered defensively.
Cameron snorted and knelt down to start unlacing Julian’s shoes. “Remotely,” he repeated with a shake of his head.
“I deal with . . . old . . . things. Sometimes. I have an old gun,” Julian offered hopefully.
“Is the old gun a collector’s item?” Cameron asked cheekily.
Julian watched him raptly, his body tensing pleasantly as Cameron knelt at his feet. “No,” he answered gruffly as he lifted first one foot and then the other obediently. “Just old.”
Pulling off Julian’s Italian loafers and socks, Cameron knelt back on his heels and looked up at him.
“I don’t know that I have the energy to do to you what I want to,” Julian muttered with a frown.
Cameron slid his hands up Julian’s calves to settle behind his knees. “Which would be?”
“Unseemly, I’m sure,” Julian murmured in a slightly more hoarse voice.
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” Cameron slid his hands slowly to coast up the fronts of Julian’s thighs.
Julian closed his eyes and raised his chin, breathing out slowly as if trying to retain control. Usually, when Julian came home this tired, Cameron gave in gracefully and quite happily curled up in his arms and slept. But he’d obviously been starving to touch and be touched. Julian didn’t blame him; he felt the same way even with the extreme fatigue.
He shuddered as Cameron’s hands kept moving, just coasting over the fine fabric of Julian’s tailored trousers.
Julian’s hand slid into Cameron’s hair gently, almost unconsciously. He opened his eyes again and looked down at him, torn between wanting to touch him and simply wanting to collapse onto the bed.
Cameron seemed to sense it, though, and his hands went still.
Slowly, Cameron leaned forward and set his cheek against the juncture of Julian’s hip and thigh.
Julian ran his hand gently over the top of Cameron’s head as he looked down at him. It felt odd, standing there with the other man on his knees and hugging him. It also felt good, for a variety of reasons.
Julian felt like he was somehow protecting Cameron, even though there was no immediate danger. Julian rarely got to feel like that in other aspects of his life. It was one of the reasons he found being with Cameron so appealing.
After a minute, Cameron sighed and moved, scooting back and getting to his feet. His hands moved to unfasten Julian’s pants efficiently, this time with the simple goal of removing them. Julian still watched him unerringly. His dark eyes showed a whisper of arousal, but it was overpowered by exhaustion.
“C’mon,” Cameron said softly as soon as he had Julian suitably undressed, taking his hand and leading him over to the bed.
Julian’s fingers squeezed at Cameron’s. He didn’t know what to say, and he couldn’t let out the words that threatened. At this point they wouldn’t be very believable, no matter how true he himself believed the sentiment to be. They barely knew each other, but the connection between them, Julian believed, was real.
Stopping at the bedside, Cameron pulled down the quilts and sheet and shifted to urge Julian to lie down.
Julian stopped him and held his hand tightly, looking down at the bed as he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t mentally prepared to do what he wanted to do. That Cameron wasn’t prepared to hear it.
“Fuck it,” Julian finally breathed in annoyance. He reached for Cameron’s other hand and pulled until Cameron was facing him. “I believe I may be in love with you,” he blurted.
Cameron blinked at him several times—clearly surprised—too stunned to respond.
“I just... needed to say that,” Julian went on as he released one of Cameron’s hands and waved at his own head. “Outside of my head.”
“You think you might be in love with me?” Cameron repeated. “And you’ve been thinking it... already? Before now?”
“I’ve been thinking it since I first saw you,” Julian admitted softly.
“But now I’m actually sober, and I’m fairly certain,” he added as he felt his face flushing slightly.
“But... but when you first saw me, that was almost a year ago,” Cameron whispered.
“I can be a little slow,” Julian joked as he blushed further.
Cameron reached up to lightly touch Julian’s reddening cheek, his fingers brushing through the finely trimmed beard. “That’s astounding,” he said shakily.
“It really is,” Julian agreed. “Considering I’ve never thought it before.”
“Never?”
“I had a thing for my first-year maths teacher,” Julian answered with a straight face.
Cameron slapped lightly at Julian’s belly. “Goofball.”
Julian grunted and shuffled slightly, pleased that Cameron was comfortable enough with him to tease.
“You make me very happy,” Cameron said, leaning in to cuddle close against him.
“I’m glad.” Julian rested his chin against Cameron’s temple.