89
Lillian
Sasha’s lying. Somewhere in me, I know they’re lying.
But I want to believe they’ll be right back.
So I just ignore it.
90
Sasha
I look out into the crowd.
Christensen’s busy at the bar.
There are excited people everywhere wearing Monochrome Stoplight merch, with a few wayward Wavelength shirts.
Emelia’s close to the stage with an Initialism lanyard and a heavy camera around her neck.
She’s talking to the handsome guy who’s taking video.
I see Jasper in the crowd leaning close to a tall girl with a low ponytail to hear what she’s saying.
I pick out two of my downstairs neighbors at the bar.
All around me, backstage and in front of it, there are people I’m excited are here.
By the entrance, Taylor is IDing people and checking tickets.
But no door is closed to Heather Erin.
She sees me first. I can feel her eyes on me. By the time I find her, there’s no pretending we haven’t made eye contact.
She’s standing by the Wavelength merch, not wading into the crowd. If I make her come here, she’ll do it with her elbows up and apologies that make people feel like it’s their fault for blocking her path and getting hit.
She’s proof that beauty standards are about selling things. No part of her is inexpensive or accidental. No part is left to chance.
She points at the Wavelength shirts and shakes her head. And I know I was wrong. I can’t shelter my friends. I know if I perform tonight, she’ll find ways of ruining everyone in Wavelength. Then she’ll ruin Christensen and Initialism and see if she can hurt Monochrome Stoplight too.
She gestures toward the door with her head and mouths, Now, Alexander.
It’s worse than I imagined. It’s colder and more threatening. I will not be forgiven for the trouble I’ve caused her and the Channel.
So I leave everything behind, even my phone lying on the stage. Nothing to tie me to my friends. A clean cut to keep them away from this ruthlessness. I love them too much to do anything else. There’s only one last thing.
I step down from the stage beside Emelia.
“I need your help,”
I say.
“Do you still know the parts?”
“Most of them. Why? What’s happening?”
“I have to leave,”
I say.
“But this is Lillian’s dream, and Wavelength needs another voice. Sing for me?”
“Sasha, where are you going?”
I’m crying now, my makeup getting washed to pieces.
“It’s time,”
is all I can manage.
“Please sing for me.”
I push into the crowd, heading for the door. I’m up against a power you can’t fight or run from.
I try to picture Lillian’s face as she meets Liv James. Quinn’s smile. Cyprus’s energy. I take that much of them with me.