Chapter 26 An Unhinged Wedding #5
“Well, Kent, honey, what in the world—” Her eyes widened in fear as Kent reached forward and gently stroked her shoulder. He stared at her with a terrifyingly calm smile.
“If you don’t pull yourself together, I swear to God, I’ll drown you in the nearest puddle and steal every penny you have so that your pet cat gets nothing when you’re gone.”
“Can we maybe cool it with the attempted murder talk, Half-pint?”
He snapped his head to the side and gave me the iciest glare I’d ever seen, “I’m topping you tonight, Gray. Do you really want to make me angry?”
I clenched. And then … well, not that it’s terribly gentlemanly to say, but then I unclenched and shuddered at the thought, covering my crotch with my hands and coughing. Kent was radiating power by way of threats of physical and socioeconomical assault, and I couldn’t lie—it did things to me.
Kent’s reached for the candlestick on the makeshift altar ahead of us, and I caught him with only inches to spare. I like to believe I saved Elmyra Foote’s life that day. Unfortunately, Elmyra paid me no mind, choosing instead to power through.
She turned around, facing the crowd. “Dearly beloved.” She raised her hand and waved, nodding at the crowd. “Well, would you look at that. Little ol’ Sarah Thistle is here.” She lifted her hand and waved. “Yoo-hoo, Sarah!”
Kent let out a gasp and squeezed my hand so hard, I almost fell to the floor. He lunged forward and stared into the crowd, searching for Sarah.
“Oh dear, no. I’m so sorry. No, that’s just a billboard with a supermodel on it.
” She reached on top of her head, feeling for her eyeglasses.
“Really traded down, didn’t you, Gray?” Pulling her glasses down, she turned around to offer us an apologetic smile that died on her lips when she glanced at Kent’s waist. She scrunched up her nose in disgust and pointed at Kent’s cummerbund.
“Well, that was certainly … a choice. I just hope the fallen angel Lucifer enjoys rhinestones, because he’ll have them in spades when you two make it down there. ”
Kent remained unphased, but I was ready to unleash holy heck on her. Before I had a chance to call her out on her blatant homophobia, she winked at me.
I didn’t know why I kept falling for her schtick. She’d made the whole “Satan’s going to have his hands full with you two,” jab every time we saw her, and I allowed it to rile me up. Then she would wink at me, indicating she was just kidding around, and my cheeks would burn with embarrassment.
“People, citizens of love and light, we gather today for a truly special occasion.” She paused, tapping her finger three times on the notecards she held in her hand.
“The Pick-n-Save has their saltines on sale, four for fourteen dollars. A truly monumental day.” She paused again, her eyes spanning the crowd.
Letting out a sigh, she pulled a pen from behind her ear and scratched something off the notecard.
“So much for that one. Sheesh. It killed when I told it down at the local Bingo hall, last week. I guess the homosexuals just don’t know good comedy when they hear it.
” Taking in a deep breath, her smile returned in full form.
“We’re here to celebrate a love we’ve all borne witness to.
Now, some of you might not condone what they have.
Heck, you might even think it goes against your spiritual beliefs, but I think we can all agree on one thing.
” She turned around, smiling widely at us.
“We’ve watched you kids grow. We watched you leave, Kent.
We watched as Gray tried to fool us into thinking he was straight—”
I almost choked as the words left her mouth.
“And then we watched as he tried to push Kent away. Watched Kent make a fool of himself, like a clingy stalker—”
“I will literally kill you if you don’t move this along, Elmyra. I’m not even joking,” Kent said. And, for a moment, I believed he just might.
Without missing a beat, Elmyra swallowed and wiped sweat from her brow, flipping over to the next notecard. “Dearly beloved,” she announced again at full volume.
The entire audience groaned, and Kent marched forward, yanking the cards out of her hand, flinging them into the air.
Sheriff Gold, who was sitting in the center of the crowd, stood up and crossed his arms. “I hope you plan on picking those up. I won’t abide littering, son.”
“Abide with this,” Kent said, grabbing his crotch.
Sheriff Gold glared at Kent, tapping his index finger on his forearm.
“I’ve locked people up for a lot less than that, son.
” He pulled off his aviator glasses and made a big show of staring down at the discarded notecards.
“You know … you two don’t really act your age.
Honestly, I’m tempted to blast you on social media for fun.
Maybe I could point out that the love interests in this metaphorical novel act like twenty-year-olds, not men claiming to be in their late-thirties. ”
“And to that, I would say that you—and anyone else making such a ridiculous claim—have never spent more than five minutes with a late-thirties, flamboyant gay man. Sorry I don’t fit your cookie-cutter image of an adult, gay male.
We don’t all walk around poised and stuffy all the time.
We sparkle. We shine. We radiate passion.
One might go as far as saying we burn beautiful.
What do you burn? Lackluster fumes—that’s what. Stay triggered, y’all.”
“Well, that was certainly a detailed response. It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder, son.”
“Perhaps I do. Or, perhaps you’re simply an asshole.” Kent turned and stared at me. “Did you invite him? Was this your doing?”
When Sheriff Gold reached for his handcuffs, I sighed, walking over to the notecards and picking them up. I handed them to Elmyra and patted her on the back.
“Listen, we really appreciate you trying, but I think we’ve got it from here.”
Caterina grabbed Elmyra’s wrist and tugger her out of the way as Kent and I took our places, front and center, staring at each other. He gazed into my eyes, unphased by the ridiculous antics that had already transpired.
“Beerly Deloved!” Elmyra shouted again, directly into Christian’s face.
“I think this is the part where we do our vows, Ms. Foote. You got yours ready, Half-pint?”
He nodded, his head bobbing up and down quickly.
“Yeah. Yeah, got them done. Ready to say them. Want you to hear it.” Kent took a step forward, his smile spreading even wider.
He reached for me, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips.
“Two-liter,” he said, his voice light and airy.
“We made it.” Blinking back his tears, Kent took another step forward and reached toward me, stroking my cheek.
“You beautiful, delightful, delectable little man. Coming home was never something I planned. Because of Trevor …” He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.
“And because of you.” His hand trembled in mine, and I squeezed him, trying to pour a little love into him.
“When I saw you for the first time, I was at my rock bottom. I was yelling at a waitress and hiding behind a sticky menu, just trying to avoid you. After I screamed at you in front of everyone, I went home that night thanking the stars that I’d never have to see you again—”
I grinned, and risking possible death by strangulation, I laughed. “And then I cornered you in the bathroom.”
Kent snorted and squeezed my hand. “You stared at my junk, and then you tried to bribe me to stay away. But I couldn’t.
I could never stay away from you. I told myself I was doing it out of foolish pride.
That I wasn’t going to let you win whatever the hell game we were playing.
That I wouldn’t let you run me out of town.
I chalked it up to my over-inflated ego, but that wasn’t it, was it? ”
“It wasn’t?”
He shook his head. “I knew. I saw you, and I saw that look in your eyes, and dammit, Grayson, I was home. Right where I belonged. When I talked to you on the phone the next morning, I was primping in the mirror, trying to make myself pretty for you—”
“You’re always pretty,” I said, squeezing his hand even harder. “You’re the most beautiful—”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Elmyra said, breaking the grip Caterina had on her and making her way toward us, completely ruining the moment.
“I know that homosexuals haven’t had much time to learn the art of wedding vows, and with the way the country is going, you might not even need to bother trying before the right wing takes away your rights, but goodness gracious.
Have either of you even attended a wedding before? ”
Kent glared at her. “Land the plan, Foote.”
“Plane?” Elmyra stared up into the sky, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand.
“Not seeing any planes, sweetie.” She lowered her gaze back to us.
“Like I was saying, these things you’re blabbering on about, those aren’t wedding vows.
You’re just having a conversation. No one came to hear all of that.
” She balled her hand into a fist and delivered an uppercut into the air for emphasis.
She put a bit of heft in her voice, bellowing out, “You gotta hook ‘em. Keep ‘em wanting more.”
“What the hell is she talking about?” Kent asked me, as if I was fully versed in the methods behind Elmyra Foote’s madness.
Elmyra sighed. “I’m just saying, people come to weddings to feel the love.
They didn’t come here for idle chit chat.
” She looked back at the crowd who were all staring at us with confused looks on their faces.
“Why pay more for less? That’s the saying isn’t it.
That’s all I’m saying. One in the hand is worth two in the jugular. ”