3. Present Day
3
PRESENT DAY
Calypso
B reath wheezed out from my chest as I lowered another cardboard box to the floor of my closet. My trembling hands ripped off the clear packing tape to dig through as fast as they were capable. My bloodshot eyes found the small crack of the closet doorway and landed on the tall fae admiring one of the paintings of various wings on my bedroom wall. My eyes hesitated only a moment before returning to the disheveled closet floor. I quickly added a few more things to the leather duffel bag that waited at my feet. My heart—the half I still had anyway—beat like an overused drum. I needed to hurry. It was getting late, and Eli had promised we could go today.
I heard once that if you are angry about something, it was really because you were sad about it. Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t. All I knew was that I was always angry, but if I let myself think about the reason why, I would cry until my tears drowned every bird in the sky.
What would it feel like to not have anything but a hollow cavern inside?
I should have been happy. I’d slayed the dragon. I’d checked the last box. Now I would finally get to go to my family.
My family.
“You know you can’t take all of this, right?” The deep voice skittered over me, startling me from my thoughts.
My eyes closed for a second, then I opened them once again to refocus on the man looming over me, smiling with the most contagious, charismatic smile that was ever created.
Eli is here.
I’m the only one that gets to call the large fae by this name. Prince Aurelius of the Seelie kingdom—or something similarly pompous-sounding—is what everyone else has to call him. But I’m his best friend, so I could (and frequently did) call him all sorts of things and get away with it. I claimed the right when we first met, ages ago, as kids. I could never say his long name correctly, and after many laughing attacks of shouting Or-ell-ee-usssss later, we both agreed Eli was better.
It was also special. Something we had had just between the two of us that no one could take away.
The closet light reflected off his dark-honey eyes, almost making them glow.
“Cal? You okay?”
Eli’s tan skin and blond hair stuck out against the white walls of my cabin. He looked so out of place here.
“I’m nervous. I know how much the fae still hate humans, and it feels weird to finally be going. I can’t wait to see where you went every time you two…left me.” I shook my head and choked down the words, not wanting my thoughts to go there right now.
I was barely keeping it together as it was. I was so close now. Soon everything would be made right.
My eyes absently took in the room past Eli’s large frame. I had enjoyed this house the most out of all of them. My entire adult life was nothing but relocating town to town in search of the luna moths.
The luna moths were attracted to the fae portals, especially the Unseelie portals. It made a lot of sense, as I later found out from the…from him . The luna moths were the chosen symbol of Unseelie—their mark, if you will.
The rare moths were meant to guide me toward a portal so I could complete my final test of loyalty. The last big task that needed done before I was able to go to Seelie and be with my family again. Everything had depended on it.
I had done it all for her.
Looking back, I occasionally wondered if Saracen wasn’t testing me more on how long I’d continue to persevere, despite my wasted efforts, before I gave up. Perhaps that was the true test of loyalty after all. The moths were the crumbs to follow until I found my next—my last—mark. The last ordered kill I would ever make. The fee I was required to pay to become an official Seelie and be rejoined with my family.
My temples pounded painfully—too many internal wars.
The memories from just a few short weeks ago flooded me, impatient from being constantly pushed to the side.
The cold dungeon. Brown rat… Walter helping me escape.
A genuine smile touched my lips at the thought of the shifter. I was so lucky to have met him, but my smile was short-lived remembering him being pushed to his death from the castle’s rooftop.
The gravelly voice of the Unseelie prince calling me his pet. His mother bonding us against my will, in preparation for a marriage ceremony, one that thankfully never happened.
The velvety feel of his tongue between my legs.
The way he saw through what I was the entire time and still wanted me. He saw so deep into my soul, it shouldn’t have been possible. A connection we should never have had but couldn’t stop.
Among the flood of memories was the drowning stare of his eyes widening when I stabbed the dagger into his back and killed him.
The box of seed envelopes in my hand fell to the floor with a rustling slap as my body fought against my brain, wanting to collapse onto the floor along with the seeds. None of this was as easy as I’d thought it would be. The effort of breathing felt too hard…too painful.
You don’t love someone full of hate and depravity.
But most of all, you don’t kill someone you love.
Even monsters didn’t do that.
I bent down and collected the envelopes from the floor, biting the inside of my lip to stop the tears from coming, the spot in my mouth raw and tender from the familiar action. Copper-tasting saliva coated my tongue, and the tears remained in their bastille.
Bleeding for me already?
The box dropped to the floor again as I spun around so fast, I fell back into the wall of the closet.
That was his voice.
Just like when…
Eli was in front of me before I could blink.
“What’s wrong? What is it, Caly?” Eli scanned the small room, his amber eyes flashing with the quickness and ferocity of the fox he was capable of shifting into.
“I-I… You didn’t hear anything?” I asked, shaking myself free from whatever delusional fog had just tricked my mind into hearing voices.
Malum Mendax couldn’t talk to me through our bond. It was impossible…because I had killed him.
And killing him was the only reason I was granted passage into Seelie tonight.
“No, nothing.”
“I’m so fucking nervous, I’m hearing things,” I grumbled.
“Well, it’s been a chaotic few weeks since you’ve been back from that forsaken land. Suns knows you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since your return. Every night I wake up on the couch hearing you pacing about your room, mumbling. It sounds like a ghost is in the house.” He chuckled softly.
Every hair on my body rose.
I had slept like a rock since my return, always waking up in the exact spot I fell asleep in. It wasn’t me that he heard.
The dreams were the only thing that soothed me anymore.
My fae best friend moved in for a hug, and my whole body tensed.
Our eyes locked as he stepped back quickly, noting the small display of black smoke that rose from my exposed forearms.
It had been happening since I awoke in the hospital.
Every time Eli got close enough to touch, the onyx smoke seemed to whisper a dark warning. We had decided it must have something to do with my being bonded to Mendax and him dying, but neither one of us could fully explain away the oddity. Every time it happened, I didn’t miss the millisecond of sadness that filled Eli’s eyes, as if he knew something I didn’t.
“Once I’m in Seelie and Saracen mends together the other half of my heart, all of this darkness will be over. All of the thoughts of him will end, and I will finally, finally feel at peace again. I will finally get to be with them,” I whispered, needing to believe it. Whether he deserved to die or not didn’t matter to me. I wished I hadn’t had to kill him, but if it got me to Seelie, I’d do it all over again. I’d do anything to get to Seelie.
Mendax was nothing more than the dragon that needed slain to get to my treasure . He didn’t love me; he didn’t even know me…and I didn’t love him.
I don’t.
People like us couldn’t love—or not in that way. It wasn’t love.
It just wasn’t. Lust, most likely.
Maybe if he’d have let me orgasm instead of edging me to the point of death, I wouldn’t be thinking about him so much.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t love.
This had been my mantra since leaving the hospital. I had berated and chastised myself a thousand times already, but none of it mattered.
I still missed him. Painfully so.
No one had ever seen the real me—all of me—and it was a horrible irony that when I did actually, willingly allow him to see the real me…I was pressing a dagger into his back and killing him.
What had that made me?
What kind of a monster had I become?
My jaw felt stiff and tight.
Sometimes you become the monster for the ones you love.
“You’re thinking about him,” Eli remarked.
I flinched, immediately wishing I hadn’t said anything out loud.
I shook my head, unsure of what to do other than continue hoping that the memory of Mendax would stop haunting me for five fucking minutes. I ought to be thinking about how I was finally going to be with my family. It had been years since I had actually seen Eli; I should have been enjoying this.
I smiled, pushing aside everything else and suddenly feeling a swell of elation in my chest. I had gotten good at that. Ignoring things I shouldn’t.
“We should head out tomorrow morning, as soon as the sun is out,” Aurelius said.
I nodded. I was anxious to get to Seelie and feeling a little awkward with Eli in my space. There were still parts of my personality I hid from him, and he wasn’t the same teenage boy I used to play in the stream with. His charming, handsome, comfortable presence was definitely not helping to sort out my whirlwind of emotions.
“I can’t wait to see Saracen,” I said, a little giddy at the thought of seeing the small blonde woman. “I’m going to hug her so tight when I get there. Will I be empowered as an official Seelie tomorrow?”
He moved to lean against the wall, crossing his large arms in front of him. He was muscular and trim, but nothing like Mendax. Malum Mendax’s body had been built for war, muscles coiled and waiting for an attack, wanting it. Eli reminded me of an athlete, still large and muscular, even powerful…but missing something.
“Cal…”
My eyes snapped up. “Aurelius,” I said as I waited for whatever was coming. We hadn’t spent much time together as adults, but I recognized the tone immediately. His face had somehow roughened over the last three seconds. A muscle jumped in his sharp jaw, and he suddenly looked unrecognizable to me. The normal golden-retriever best friend was replaced by a fierce defender I had never met as he stared out my bedroom window, completely frozen.
I rubbed my arm in an effort to soothe the hairs standing on end while I stepped out of the closet to see what it was that had caused the change in him.
A single pale-green luna moth fluttered calmly on the screen of my bedroom’s open window.
For half a second, blinding hope swallowed me whole, before it disintegrated into the dust-speckled air.
“It has to be the bond,” Eli said, still staring out the window. “The smoke, the moths…they must still be following his magic, not realizing he’s dead. They will stop soon.”
Our eyes locked together.
“What if…what if…” I began, feeling my pulse pick up.
“It’s not him, Caly. You’re safe. And it’s not another Unseelie. They were forbidden access to the human realm after King Thanes—” He paused, shaking his head, suddenly looking a little angry. “The Unseelie were allowed access long, long ago and still find it occasionally, I suppose. Those powerful enough to get through the veil sometimes find a way, but it’s rare. The Smoke Slayers have broken through before, but because of you, there is only one remaining who won’t risk leaving the throne.”
My stomach tightened.
“King Thanes?” I asked cautiously.
Getting information out of Eli and Saracen had always been a bit tricky. As much as they trusted me, they were still hesitant to tell my kind anything. There was only so much they would ever share until I was in Seelie, as one of their own.
Eli’s eyes flickered at the mention of the old Unseelie king, Mendax’s father. We both stared, waiting to see what the other would say. The air felt suddenly heavy.
“No, King Thanes wasn’t a Smoke Slayer. He was an Impeller, and they would never let him cross. He’s the reason they are banned from entry,” he said with a familiar look. A look I had seen frequently as the queen’s personal assassin—one that I only got when they were trying to hide something.
I looked at the red nail polish peeking up through my white socks. I couldn’t look him in the eye.
Mendax had been a Smoke Slayer, like his mother. Only unlike the Smoke Slayers, he had also been blessed with the ability to impel your mind, like his father. It never quite occurred to me how dangerous that combination really was until this moment.
Eli was still talking, so I shook away the ever-present thoughts of Mendax.
“I still don’t understand why I couldn’t just sneak into Seelie. You could have told me where it was. I’m the fae killer of the human realm. Did I really need an escort?” I grumbled.
“You wouldn’t have gotten past the sentries, even if you had managed to find the Seelie portal on your own. They would have killed you on entry. The royal guards are nothing to mess with.”
He was right. This was not the time for me to be angry about being kept from Seelie—foggy smoke rose around me, confirming that thought. These powers were weird. I was suddenly grateful for my own abilities.
“What are you going to do with all of this stuff?” he said, waving to the plethora of things I was unable to take with me.
My fingers reached out to touch a framed luna moth painting. Eli watched as I lifted it off the wall and smashed it to the ground with a crackling shatter. My hands grabbed for more.
“What are you doing?” Eli shouted.
“What does it matter? None of this is really me, is it?”
My hands landed on my prized microscope. The most expensive thing I had ever owned. The one possession that had felt like a piece of hope. Something that had let me escape myself and all my obligations for a little while.
But it wasn’t ever me, was it? What good would human science be in the fae realm? Science had been the only escape my mind had, but I needed to adapt. There were new things in Seelie I needed to learn. More important things. Science was a tool I had used.
A warm tear ran down my cheek as I opened the case. The snap popped with a solemn sound. Nineteen years. Nineteen fucking years, this had been the plan.
The darkness that fought to consume me was getting harder to tame. Weighty, lurking thoughts that would only settle for one thing.
It was a part of me that Eli could not see .
Something touched the top of my bare foot and caused me to jump back with a kick, sending whatever it was at least a foot away.
“What the—” I said, grabbing Eli’s arm.
As tiny as a daisy, the little field mouse looked up at me with glistening black eyes.
“Oh my gosh!” I cried out, hurrying to the ground to scoop the little mouse up.
I may hate most people, but I had a soft spot for animals. They always reminded me of my little sister, Adrianna. I could never hurt an animal because of her.
Just people.
Without hesitation, the tiny mouse nuzzled against my hand, rubbing its white belly to my skin as she pressed a large, rounded ear to my palm.
Instantly I felt better. The anger ebbed from me, replaced with comfort. It made me feel close to my family.
“She’s so sweet. It’s like she knew I was upset,” I mumbled as I continued petting her.
Silence caused me to glance up and catch Eli watching me, an odd expression cloaking his features.
Agh. Could he know?
My sandwich from lunch turned in my stomach. Well, this was all going to happen eventually. This was the plan.
He snapped out of it and smiled. “How do you know it’s a she?” he said.
“I don’t know,” I said with a laugh.
I gently rubbed the tiny mouse against my cheek as all my worries seemed to get further and further away. Just for a moment.
“I just feel like I can tell. I guess that’s weird, but…” Once again, I trailed off, noting the way he was watching me. I refocused on the sweet animal in my hand as I moved to open the front door.
“Caly, where are you?—”
The warm, humid air hit my face. I inhaled, closing my eyes. The night air smelled like summer—fresh-cut grass and nearby bonfires.
I moved to the side of my house, where I kept the buckets of bird feed. The mouse began to skitter about nervously on my hand.
“Ssshhh, it’s okay,” I whispered softly.
The smell of smoke was stronger on this side of the house. Woody and smooth like burning cedar or juniper.
She must not like the campfires. I scanned my mind, trying to think of who could be burning so close. There was a campground a ways off. I opened the metal trash can a small crack and set the creature on top of the bird seed that filled the inside.
“Thank you. Stay under the lid until morning and eat as much as you would like,” I said, giving her one last pet.
I turned around and slammed into Eli’s chest.
How had he gotten behind me so quietly?
“Fuck!” I shouted. “I didn’t even hear you.”
“Sly as a fox,” he said with a grin.
I snorted and moved to his side, where he tucked me against him and returned to the open front door.
Three luna moths were on the screen door.
“They must be attracted to you,” Eli said as he shooed me inside and closed the door behind us.
After Saracen and I had made our deal, I knew I had to go to Unseelie and kill whoever the son of the queen was, but I had known nothing other than they had been hated by my family. And I didn’t care about anything other than finishing the job. I hadn’t even been certain how to get there. Saracen would only tell me to follow the luna moths and that she would send word when it was time.
I took the old leather book from my desk and threw it in the fireplace to burn with the next stack of wood.
“You’re throwing out the opus?” Eli asked.
“I don’t need it any longer. You and Saracen won’t have to send me letters through a magical book. I’ll be right down the hallway,” I said with a smile.
“I’ll kind of miss writing you letters,” he replied with a frown. “What else am I to do in the evenings now? How am I ever going to gossip with you about Chef Samuel’s crush on the new stable master? Or the horrid perfume Tarani insists on wearing? Honestly, you think I’m kidding, but it smells like seahorses.”
I turned from the fireplace, wishing more than anything I could laugh about perfume and gossip.
“She sent me to die in Unseelie, Eli,” I said as I walked back into the bedroom.
“You’re her assassin. Isn’t that what you signed up for, technically? She knew you could handle it,” he replied as he took a stance at the window.
“Assassin or not, she knows I’m human,” I said as I watched him like a hawk.
“You know how she is. This was the only way. Believe me—I tried to think of any other possible way. But Seelie rules are different, and you don’t understand them. She loves you, whether you believe it or not. Mother knew you were the only one out of all of us who could outsmart those particular monsters. She knows how strong and clever you are. Tartarus, why do you think she trained you the way she did? You were being trained to kill him since the beginning.”
Interesting.
As far as she was concerned, I was a weapon indebted to her, and she used me to extinguish her enemies while they were in the human realm. Only the most powerful fae could even get in here. She couldn’t kill them in Seelie without breaking rules and appearing just as dark and evil as her enemy, the Unseelie queen. I didn’t know much about the fae realms, but I did know the Seelie were supposed to be good and wholesome.
And I also knew that wasn’t true.
They were the “good side” so to speak. But that didn’t mean Saracen didn’t have enemies, or that people weren’t after her crown. And if they were sent to the human realm and a human took them out, the queen’s hands were free of blood.
They all hated humans, so it was easy to blame us.
I rubbed my temples, trying to stop the headache that had taken residence. God, this hurt. All of this was taking a toll on my body that I hadn’t suspected.
I had known our deal. I had suggested it. I owed Saracen a lot for taking me in when my mom and sister died, and as soon as I got to Seelie, I would repay her.
I was a part of the Seelie royal family now.
I turned and walked back to the main room of the house, taking one last heavy breath before picking up my most prized possession. The thing that embodied me. The prize of all my hard studies as a scientist searching for those sherbet-green moths.
I hurled the microscope against the tile floor. My eyes couldn’t stop the tight squeeze shut when I heard the delicate pieces shatter.
How often had I driven to my biology courses, crying because I missed Eli?
I turned around and scanned the mess I had created. Strong arms pulled me in against a hard chest that smelled like mandarin oranges and sunshine.
“She loves you so much—we all do. We are your family, Cal. I don’t pretend to understand half of what or why she does what she does, but I promise you, we want you to be with us as much or more than you can imagine. You are my best friend, and I can’t wait for you to come to Seelie. I’m sorry I haven’t been a part of your life these last several years. I hate it, but it’s over now. We will go first thing tomorrow morning, and Mother will explain everything.”
He squeezed tightly, and though something in my gut sent up warning flares, I relaxed into the hug. He felt so warm—almost too warm.
“Is there anything else you need to grab?” he asked.
Eli released me from the hug. The glittering gold feathers caught the light as he unfurled his right wing and began sweeping the shards of broken glass toward himself and away from me.
“I need to grab my sister.”