Chapter Four
M atthew sat in the wingback chair, his eyesight blurring, his shoulders aching. He was caught in a haze of sleeplessness, and he didn’t remember when he’d eaten last. Nor did he care. The black pit of his existence surrounded him, the darkness pushing away everything, save an endless sea of weariness.
His bedroom door swung open, and he jerked at the noise. There she stood, a vision in white. Lily’s golden brown hair was combed back to a knot at her nape, and she carried a basket in one arm. Her cheeks were flushed, as if she had hurried on her way to see him. And in spite of his melancholy, he was glad to see her. She disrupted the darkness, pushing back the shadows.
“May I come in?”
“You’re already inside,” he pointed out. “A few steps more won’t matter.”
She smiled at that, and something stirred within him. Her hazel eyes warmed to him, and she cracked the door behind her. “How are you today?”
“Alive. And quite disgruntled at the world and everyone in it.” He didn’t bother hiding the truth from her, and Lily didn’t seem to mind. In a way, it felt good to be brutally honest with someone.
“Are you angry with me?”
He stared at her for a long moment. “No, not angry. But I do know that I’m behaving like an ill-tempered dragon.”
“You have a strong reason for being ill-tempered.” She sat down and put the basket upon a side table. “But I did promise to love you in sickness and in health.” Her mood was different this time, as if she were no longer afraid of him. Still, she kept her distance. For a moment, she studied his bedroom. “It is rather dark in here. Do you prefer it that way, or shall I open the drapes?”
“I don’t care what you do.” He lacked the desire or the energy to move just now. But his curiosity was piqued by the basket. He thought he heard a rustling noise. “What did you bring me?”
“Strawberry tarts,” she said. She pulled aside the drapes, and the sunlight pierced his eyes. Matthew shielded his face, and in the meantime, he heard the rustling noise again. What on earth was it?
He tensed, his hands tightening upon the arm rests. His gaze shifted to the breakfast tray he’d ignored earlier and the silver cloche upon it. Had a mouse managed to get inside the basket? He started to ease his hand toward the cloche, wondering if he could trap the mouse beneath the tray cover.
“You seem a little better today,” she offered. “At least, you haven’t demanded that I leave you.”
“Yet,” he emphasized.
“I feel certain you might, perhaps within the next minute.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “But I will take the risk.”
Those hazel eyes studied him, as if she were trying to understand him better. “I’ve been thinking a great deal since I left you last. And you’re right…we cannot simply pick up where we left off. You’ve changed, and you are not the same man anymore.”
“Neither of us is the same,” he agreed. “And our reasons for the…unconventional marriage are no longer valid. I cannot undo what happened in the past, but I can give you back your future.”
Her expression dimmed, but she gave a nod. “I thought you might say that. But what you need is someone to help you out of the darkness. You need a friend.” She extended her hand to him, but he didn’t take it. “Let me help you, Matthew.”
A tightness filled up the emptiness within him. He was so weary of living. She might want to be his friend, but he had nothing left to give.
“I won’t ask that of you.” He kept his voice frosted, needing her to go away. Didn’t she understand that the man she had once loved was gone? He wasn’t that man anymore, and he refused to try. He eyed the door and added, “Now would be a good time for you to leave.”
But instead of rising from the chair, she reached for the basket. It reminded him of what he’d seen earlier.
“Wait,” he warned her. “Something is moving within that basket. And I highly doubt my strawberry tarts are…alive.”
“Oh, that.” Her demeanor turned guilty. “I brought you something else, along with the tarts. It may not have been a very good idea. But I’ll show you nonetheless.”
She went over to the basket and unlatched it. A moment later, he spied a gray and white kitten emerging from the basket, covered in strawberries and crumbs. When Lily saw her ruined tarts, her expression grew pained. “Oh dear.”
Matthew got up and went to inspect the animal. The kitten was just large enough to fit in his hand, and he picked it up. The feline stared at him with wide eyes. Its fur was matted with sticky strawberries, and he brushed off the crumbs.
“I suppose you won’t be having a strawberry tart.” She winced. “I thought I had wrapped the tarts safely in napkins, but the kitten managed to get into them.”
Matthew eyed Lily. “And what are you expecting me to do with him?”
A hint of a smile slid over her lips at his remark. “Well, I didn’t intend for you to eat him, that’s for certain.” She reached out for the kitten. “I suppose I should wash him off. He’ll be quite cross with me.”
“Isn’t he too young to be separated from his mother?”
“He’s a few months old, so he’ll be fine,” Lily said. “At least, I think he’s a boy.”
Matthew couldn’t help but ask, “Why did you bring me a kitten?”
Lily shrugged and thought a moment. “Because you’re unhappy. You’ve endured so much, that I thought you needed something to lift your spirits.” She lifted her gaze to his. “He might help you to live in the present instead of dwelling in the past. And besides, I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t like kittens.”
Lily picked up the kitten and brought it over to a basin. She poured water inside it and gently washed the strawberry filling from the kitten’s fur. The animal squirmed while she cleaned him, letting out a high-pitched squawk. When she was finished, the kitten appeared indignant.
“There, now.” She picked up one of Matthew’s fallen shirts and wrapped it around the animal. “You’ll dry off. It’s not so bad.”
“That is my shirt you’ve used as a towel,” he felt compelled to point out.
She dried off the kitten until it resembled a knotted ball of damp fuzz. Then she held him out. “Here, take him.”
Matthew hesitated but finally accepted the animal. It began squeaking, eyeing him as if he were at fault for the bath. And despite his earlier mood, he softened. “He seems quite angry with us.”
“He’ll get over it.” Lily picked up the basket and examined the contents. “Oh, look—there’s still one of the tarts wrapped up in a napkin. I don’t think he touched this one.” She pulled out a white linen cloth and unwrapped it, revealing a small pastry with a red filling. “Do you want it?”
The kitten sank its claws into his arm as it climbed up his shirt. Matthew gently lifted it onto his chair, and it crouched into a hunter’s stance before it pounced at a pillow. It struck him that this was as close to an ordinary day that he’d had in some time. The kitten’s antics were a distraction he’d never anticipated, and it wasn’t unwelcome.
Lady Lily took a step closer, holding out the tart. A few strands of brown hair framed her face, and he didn’t miss the shining hope in her hazel eyes.
God above, he shouldn’t have let her in. This had been a big mistake, and he had to make it clear that he could not be her friend. Not with his life in such a tangled mess.
“Lady Lily, I don’t think—”
She lifted her hand and cut him off. “I know you’re going to send me away. But before you do, taste this.” In her hand, she held out the strawberry tart.
She clearly wasn’t going to give him a choice. And why on earth it was so important to her, he didn’t know. But he accepted the pastry and took a bite. The sweet taste of strawberries flooded his mouth, and Matthew blinked as it evoked an unexpected memory.
The last time he’d eaten a strawberry tart, Lily had been with him. He had shared it with her, kissing her hard until the taste mingled with her tongue. He had been desperate to touch her, and the memory of her hands upon his skin struck hard.
The deep sweetness of the berries conjured the taste of her lips, the memory of her head falling back as she arched beneath him. Her hands had clung to his hair as he kissed a path down the softness of her neck, down to her rounded breasts. He had taken a nipple into his mouth, the erect tip rising as she cried out in pleasure.
Matthew set down the strawberry tart, shaken by the vision. He could not deny the arousal of his body as memories flooded through him. He had pleasured her until her body had convulsed against him in ecstasy. He gritted his teeth to force back the unexpected memory.
“Do you like it?” she asked.
He couldn’t answer, still caught up by the daydream. Lily had done this deliberately, wanting him to remember the past. She’d brought him strawberry tarts and a kitten, hoping that he would care for her again.
He forced himself to harden his emotions toward this woman. She didn’t understand how broken his mind was, and he didn’t want to drag her down into his own private hell. After months of torture and pain, he didn’t know how long it would take to recover.
Lily believed that time and friendship would bring him back…but he couldn’t believe that. If he lost himself to a vision again, he might hurt her without meaning to. He was barely holding on to sanity, and he couldn’t take that risk.
And though it was cruel, he needed to cut the bonds between them and free her from the past. This was his battle to face alone.
“Lily, whatever memories we had are in the past. The truth is, I took advantage of your innocence, and we were never legally married. I don’t want or need your help, and you must accept the fact that we cannot be man and wife. It’s best for both of us.”
It felt as if Matthew had struck her in the heart. Though Lily had braced herself for this, it hurt far worse than she’d imagined. She set aside the tart on his breakfast tray, turning her face away to hide the unshed tears.
She should have known that the past could not be fixed so easily. She’d been such a fool to visit, raising her hopes, only to have them dashed into pieces. The urge to leave came over her, so strong she could not deny it.
But a knock at the door interrupted. She had nearly forgotten about Lady Falsham and Matthew’s mother, Lady Arnsbury. The last thing she wanted was to see them right now.
“Your mother and godmother are just outside the door,” she informed him, tucking the napkin back inside the basket.
“I suppose you’ll have to let them in.” He sat down in the wingback chair, and the kitten crawled into his lap.
With reluctance, Lily went to the door and opened it. Lady Arnsbury and Lady Falsham stood there, but she noticed the absence of Dr. Fraser. Perhaps he’d decided to stay behind in the drawing room.
“Come in.” She braved a smile she didn’t feel at all.
The two women eyed one another before crossing the threshold. Lady Arnsbury studied Lily as if to ensure that she had not been harmed. Matthew’s godmother, Lady Falsham, moved across the room to him, stopping short when she saw the kitten. “Why, Matthew, what’s this?”
“Lady Lily thought I needed a companion.” He picked up the damp kitten in one hand and gave it over to her. “We had to wash him, since he was covered in strawberry tart.”
The viscountess was startled when the kitten climbed up her arm, sinking its claws into her gown. “Well, he is a darling thing, isn’t he? What will you name him?”
“I’ve no idea.” Matthew leaned back against the chair and turned to Lily. “Have you any suggestions?”
She hadn’t given it any thought. Right now, her thoughts were scattered as she tried to determine what to do now. “No.”
His brown eyes locked upon hers. “Perhaps I should call him Beast. For that is precisely what he is.”
Lily tightened her lips, knowing he spoke of himself. She had wanted to try again, to help him recover from his ordeal. But he kept pushing her away. He didn’t want her help, and he didn’t want her. The very thought broke her heart.
She sank into a chair, hardly knowing what to do now. Should she continue to visit with him, if only for the sake of helping him recover from his wounds? Or would it cut too deeply to be near a man who no longer loved her?
Lily barely heard the conversation between Lady Arnsbury and Lady Falsham. The air was suffocating, and she stared back at Matthew, wondering what to do now. But his emotions were shielded like armor.
Lily reached for her basket. “I wish you well with your Beast. Good day.” She needed time to be away right now, so she could bury her face in a pillow and sob her heart out. Never in her life had she imagined he would shut her out, refusing to let her help him.
She started to leave the room but heard his footsteps behind her. She had no desire to speak with him, not when he didn’t want her in his life anymore. She couldn’t bear to look upon his face and remember what was lost between them. But he was well aware of her misery.
“Lady Lily.” Matthew caught her wrist in the hallway and stopped her from leaving. “It’s better this way. Go back to the life you knew before me.”
She turned to face him and this time didn’t bother to hide the tears slipping free from her eyes. “I only wanted to help you, Matthew.”
“You can’t. It’s not your battle to face.”
Her battered emotions were bruised, and she had no words that would change his mind.
Before she left, she removed the chain from her neck that held the gold ring. She slid it free and held it out. “This belongs to you. I should have returned it sooner.”
His sobered and slid it onto the smallest finger of his left hand. “I hope you find happiness, Lady Lily. It was never my intention to hurt you.”
His handsome face was haggard, worn down from all the sleepless nights. She reached up and traced the outline of his face, and in his eyes, she saw regret. Whether it was guilt over ruining her, she didn’t know. But she couldn’t heal a man who didn’t want her help, any more than he would let her love him.
She needed to gather up the fragments of her life and decide what to do now.
And with that, she turned away, leaving behind the shadow of the girl she’d once been.
Lily sat in the empty dining room with a decanter of brandy and a glass. She had never before tasted spirits, but tonight she intended to become well and truly foxed. It was nearly ten o’clock at night, and she’d ordered the servants to leave her alone.
She poured the brandy into the glass and took a small sip. It tasted like liquid fire, burning through her stomach, and she couldn’t stop herself from coughing. But the second sip went down easier.
She toasted an invisible Matthew. “To a marriage that never should have happened,” she whispered. The brandy had a smooth taste that warmed her from the inside.
Moses jumped onto the dining table and nosed her with his head. “Go away, kitty.” But he flopped across the wood, staring at her.
Perhaps it was foolish, but she decided the cat was as good a confessor as any. She rubbed his ears, and he began purring.
“I was a silly, selfish girl,” she informed him. “It was all my fault. I fell in love, and I used the poor man to avoid a marriage I didn’t want.” She poured herself another glass of brandy, and the cat batted at her fingers.
Her mood darkened, and she bit back tears. “I should never have forced him into it. And now, I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him, the way he wants me to? Or should I stay?” The cat rubbed himself up against her hand and she whispered, “He’s been so badly hurt. I don’t want to abandon him…but he doesn’t want me there.”
The door to the dining room opened, and Lily glared at the blurry intruder. “I do not wish to be disturbed.” But then her eyes adjusted and she realized it was Rose.
“Oh. It’s you.” She toasted her sister and took another sip of liquid courage. “Cheers.”
“Lily, what are you doing?” Rose leaned upon a cane, taking careful steps until she could sit beside her at the table. “It’s very late.”
So it was. And she found that she hardly cared. “I’m not sleepy at all. You can retire for the night if you wish. I will remain here.”
Rose reached for her hand. “Was it so terrible paying a call upon Lord Arnsbury?”
“He doesn’t want to see me again.” With an unsteady hand, Lily poured herself another glass of brandy. “Do you want to drink with me, Rose?”
“No, thank you.” Her sister’s expression grew pained. “I’m so sorry, Lily.”
“So am I. And now, I intend to get so intoxicated I won’t even remember Matthew’s name.” She lifted her glass in another mock toast and drained it. The velvety brandy slid down her throat in a light burn.
My goodness, that was nice.
But Rose took the glass from her and set it aside. The room swayed, and Lily was surprised to find that the table was moving, too. How fascinating.
“What happened? What did he say?”
“It’s over,” she told her sister. “My marriage that never happened.” She tried to reach for the brandy decanter, but Rose took her hand instead.
“What do you mean? Did Matthew hurt you in any way?”
“Only my heart. It’s empty now, you see?” She blinked at the brandy, noticing that there were three different decanters. This time, she reached for the middle one, and her hand closed over the crystal.
“What are you going to do?” her sister asked. Rose had a way of listening and making her feel as if she would support her, no matter what choices she made. And with her question, she had cut to the heart of the matter.
“What can I do? I suppose I’ll remain on the shelf and never marry anyone.” She reached out for her glass and this time, Rose allowed her to take it. The brandy no longer burned her stomach, but instead filled her with a pleasant buzzing sensation.
“Lily, I’m so very sorry. I wish there was some way I could help.”
As her hand clenched the empty glass, she turned back to her sister. “Then you know how I feel about Matthew. I know he’s hurt. I know they broke his body and his mind, but he wants me to walk away from him. How can I do that?” She traced the edge of her glass. “I can’t leave him behind when he’s suffering so badly. And it hurts so much that he wants me to go.” Tears flowed over now, and she admitted, “I don’t know what to do. He’d rather shut me out and keep me at a distance.”
Rose squeezed her hands. “A wounded man will do or say anything to avoid appearing weak, Lily.”
Her sister’s words sliced through her sadness, and she wondered if those were his reasons. “Perhaps. But I just…wanted to start over. I wanted to be his friend, to show him that I still cared.”
She didn’t even know the sort of woman she was without Matthew. Her life felt as if it had little purpose. And no amount of brandy would show her what she was meant to do with her life.
Moses got up and arched his back, nuzzling against her before he hopped off the table. She stared at the amber glass, feeling broken and lost.
“Do you want me to help you to bed?” her sister asked.
“No. I want to sit here a little longer.”
Rose stood from the table and balanced herself against her cane, embracing her. Lily hugged her back, and a rise of dizziness washed over her. “You are strong enough to overcome this. I have faith in you.”
She only wished she could have that kind of faith in herself.