Twenty
TWENTY
DANA
Tears sprang to my eyes as I read Matthew 6 after youth group and my quick talk with Rhett. Once I got to the verses that say, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses,” I couldn’t hold back the waterworks and I let it all out.
This block I’ve had for weeks both with my own quiet time and preparing for the girl’s youth retreat has been lifted. But it only happened when I finally handed over everything to Jesus.
In so many of my videos on social media, I remind my audience that God has the final say and that He is ultimately in control. Before this past Wednesday, I was not walking my talk. All of it was lip service. Dillon’s message, Emma’s admission, pouring out my heart in song, and my small chat with Rhett brought me to my knees. Literally. The moment I stepped on my porch, I dropped to my knees and begged God to forgive me for my unforgiveness and to help me release my grudge to Him. God reminded me that I am not perfect and have been forgiven for so much more than Rhett asked my forgiveness for.
After finally giving it all up, then the floodgates opened. I highlighted verses, scribbled in the margins, and absorbed the words like a sponge. It rejuvenated my starving soul. It was exactly what I needed and had been deprived of.
For days, I’ve sat, read, and studied. I’d love to record it and share it online since I haven’t posted a new video in weeks, but this time in the Word isn’t about being a “Christian influencer;” it’s about me, Jesus, and using my dry season to create a lesson for the youth weekend. It’s going to be different than what I originally planned on sharing, but doesn’t God usually work that way? Outside of our expectations?
I took Sunday off to go to church and spend time in fellowship with Rosa, Crew, West, and Olivia. But this morning, I got up and went straight to working on the retreat.
So here I am in my office, doing what I love once more. My coffee sits beside me, and I sit with my legs crossed on my overstuffed office chair while I scribble down what feels like endless notes and ideas for the upcoming girls’ retreat. The excitement I originally had when Mrs. Woodhouse asked me to teach is back with even more intensity. I bite my lip as more and more comes to me, as God allows my mind and heart to absorb His Word and for me to apply it to my life and these lessons.
After another hour, my hands cramp up and I decide to take a break. Just as I stretch my legs out from under me, my doorbell rings.
My breath whooshes out of me the moment I open my door.
“If you’re still upset with me, I’d understand,” Rhett says as he extends a bouquet of sunflowers. “But I can’t go another day without seeing you and talking to you.”
I cross my arms over my chest, a pathetic attempt at protecting my heart. Yes, I have forgiven Rhett, but my emotions are still raw. I’ve remained silent, and he’s continued to give me the space I asked for. I needed the last few days of study, reflection, and prayer to heal not just from Rhett’s lies but from the grudge that I held onto with a vice-like grip.
I’ve prayed that God would show me when it was time to move forward with Rhett and He would allow me to be vulnerable with Rhett again. Something stirs inside of me, telling me that the time is now.
“Hey,” I say. “It’s a bit early to be groveling, don’t you think?”
Rhett closes his eyes before he can see my smile. The pretty bouquet of flowers falls to his side but is still held firmly in his grip.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a whisper. He hangs his head but lifts the sunflowers toward me.
This time, I take them. “Thanks. I’ll be right back.” With that, I go into my house, fill a vase with water, and set the bouquet on my kitchen table.
Rhett remains at the entrance, as if he’s afraid to enter without being invited.
“Oh, you’re still here?” I ask nonchalantly as I head back to the door and lean against the frame. I fight back a smile.
His smirk is roguish and unfairly attractive as he looks at me, seeing right through my act. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
“Who said I wanted to get rid of you?”
He lifts both dark eyebrows. “If you not inviting me in was any indication…”
I step out on the porch and close the door behind me.
There’s no more teasing glint in Rhett’s eyes. “I told you that I’d never give up on us. But that’s not true.”
My heart sinks. This felt like a really solid step in the right direction. Maybe I wore out my chances and he’s given up on me, and he’s giving me the flowers as a goodbye. It wouldn’t be the first time a man gave up on me.
He must read my expression because he quickly explains. “I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want.” He pauses, then carefully adds, “Or into something you’re not ready for.”
“And what do you think I may not be ready for?”
His dark eyes bore into mine. “The plans I want for us are not short term. I’m serious about you. More serious than I’ve ever been about anyone else. But you’re twenty-four and maybe you don’t want to settle down yet. If that’s the case, and you still want me, I’ll wait for you.”
My belly fills with butterflies, and I place a hand on my stomach to both calm them and ground me.
His Adam’s apple bobs and he closes his eyes. When he reopens them, there’s a vulnerability in them I’ve never seen before. “I was an idiot to not say goodbye and an idiot for not being honest about who I am…or was. If I could turn back time, I’d have told you from the start. I never would have left without explanation. You would have known exactly why I was leaving but would have been confident that I’d come back to you the moment I could.”
I knew he was sorry before, and this not only confirms it but it also tells me he wants more with me. More than bachelors one through three post ghosting-Rhett did. It didn’t work out with them because this whole time it’s been Rhett. I just needed to remain patient and trust that God had me and my future securely in His hands.
A gentle breeze sweeps through my porch, bringing hints of salt and sandalwood with it, rustling Rhett’s hair. He runs his hands through it and turns away from me but not before I see the look of uncertainty on his face.
He walks over to the side of the porch, planting his hands on the railing, then says, “The first time I met you it was like taking a deep breath of fresh air after being confined in an oxygen-free cell of my own making. You were light and sweet with just the right kick of sass. In those first few moments, I knew you were someone special.” His back muscles tense, and I have to fight the urge to go and wrap my arms around him.
“I felt the same way,” I say in a gentle whisper. He’s quiet for a few beats, and I wonder if he heard me. But when he turns around, there’s a blazing intensity in his eyes. The same one I noticed the moment before he kissed me. My insides warm at the memory.
“I’m sorry I kept my past identity from you. Every relationship I had before you was superficial. The women only chose me because of my fame.” His voice is deeper than I’ve ever heard it.
Tears spring unbidden to my eyes and I nod. “I can understand that. And sure, I crushed on RJ Hemlock as a teen from the moment I first heard his voice and watched him perform on TV. But I fell for Rhett the moment I laid eyes on him.” I can’t help my half smile. “I couldn’t help but fall hard for you.”
His lips turn down and he shakes his head. “You were a teenager when I was at the peak of my career. Don’t make me feel ancient. I don’t want my age to be another thing that should keep me away from you.”
I give him a sad smile. “Don’t let it.”
“Dana,” he says, his voice pained. “I don’t deserve you and I shouldn’t keep pursuing you.”
I grit my teeth, frustration quickly replacing the hope of what we could be. “Why would you say that?”
He looks away from me. “Because my heavy baggage will only drag you down.”
Angry tears spring to my eyes. “So, what are you saying? After all of this”—I wave my hands around—“this groveling and flowers and everything, you’re saying you don’t want me?”
His nostrils flare, and before I know what’s happening, he’s crossed the distance between us. He grips the top of the door frame and crowds my space, not hiding the longing in his eyes.
“You’re misunderstanding me.” He shakes his head. “What I’m saying is that despite not deserving you, I am far too selfish to let you slip through my fingers again. If you’ll have me, I’ll hold onto you with everything I have. I promise that you will never doubt my love or devotion.” He releases his hold on the doorframe, cupping my face with both of his big, calloused hands. “Whether you choose me or not, I am yours. Until my final breath.”
My chest rises and falls with his declaration. “And I’m all yours.”
His eyes search mine, then without warning, his right hand slides up to the back of my head, putting a barrier between the door and my skull. He presses his forehead against mine.
“You have no idea what a relief it is to hear you say that. Because without you…” Then his mouth is on mine, and he thoroughly shows me exactly what I’d be missing without him. I melt into him like soft butter melting on a hot pancake. It feels so good being in his arms, being kissed…being cherished by him.
I don’t know how much time passes as we kiss. His hands roam down to my lower back, and he drops them to my hips and gives me a gentle squeeze. He pulls away just enough to kiss the corner of my lips, then my jaw. His movements are fluid and precise, as if he can read what I want from him as his hands cup my face once more and he presses a lingering, tender kiss to my forehead.
He pulls away and stares down at me, leaving me beyond dazed. My eyes aren’t focused on anything besides Rhett. I slide my hands up to his shoulders, raising on my tiptoes to initiate another kiss. Rhett only allows a peck, so I lower off my toes with a pout.
“Oh, Little Siren, don’t worry, there will be much more of that. And I hate to break this moment, but there’s more I need to tell you. I want to lay everything out in the open before we continue. No more secrets.”
Reality crashes over me. “There’s more you’ve hidden from me?” I can’t mask the tremor in my voice.
He retreats a step and runs his hands through his hair. “It’s not something many people know about. Only the people who were there when it happened.”
“When what happened?” I ask.
He motions for us to sit on the hanging swing. I put a little space between us, but Rhett doesn’t allow it. He grabs my legs and rests them over his thighs.
“The last concert Phantom Echoes ever played, a woman died. And it was my fault.”
He’s silent for a few beats, and all the pieces of the puzzle click into place. “The woman who died backstage,” I say. He nods in confirmation. “But she committed suicide,” I argue. “That’s not your fault.” With exception of the breaking news right after it happened, the tragedy was kept under wraps. Phantom Echoes canceled all future concerts and might as well have dropped off the face of the earth.
“She’s the one who was in your nightmare, wasn’t she?” I ask, but he doesn’t need to say anything for me to know the answer. I knew that nightmare had to be awful for him to have the reaction he did. That was the memory that refused to give up when everything else—except his feelings for me—was swept away by amnesia.
He nods solemnly, then looks away. “She was in my dressing room when she did it. I watched her pull the trigger. I couldn’t stop her no matter how hard I tried. But I’m the reason she’s dead.”
“You can’t blame yourself for the actions of an unhinged fan.”
“She was going to shoot me. I should be the one who’s dead. Instead, she turned the gun on herself.” He goes silent for a long moment, and I can tell he’s gathering his thoughts. Rhett inhales a ragged breath and releases it. “I flirted with her, then rejected her, and my rejection brought on her death.”
I can’t hold back my gasp. His guilt rips my heart open. Without thought, I slide my way completely on his lap and wrap my arms firmly around him. The swing rocks forward and back, the motion soothing. Rhett doesn’t hug me back, but he doesn’t push me away either.
“It’s another reason why I know I don’t deserve you,” he whispers. As if disregarding his statement, he wraps his arms around me in a tight embrace.
RJ was known as the heartthrob of Phantom Echoes. He was the one women threw themselves at. According to the few articles I read about him in the tabloids, he took advantage of that attention. He’s probably been with so many women that it’s a number I don’t ever want to know. For his entire time in the band, he could have any woman he wanted. Something that’s mostly likely still true. I close my eyes, trying to rein in those thoughts because we’re not talking about any of those other women; we’re talking about a woman who took her own life in front of Rhett.
“So she was a groupie?”
He nods, and my stomach twists into a painful knot.
As if he can read my thoughts, he says, “Please know I am not that same man. This is why I wanted you to know me as Rhett, not RJ. You liked me for me and not who I portrayed myself to be. I’m sorry I lied to you, I really am. But I need you to know why I kept my identity to myself the first time. My life was so messy as RJ.” He releases a humorless laugh. “I wanted to pretend like he no longer existed. But those consequences still caught up to me.”
I know he’s referring to his son. “A child isn’t a consequence,” I say with conviction.
“You’re right, he’s not. But because of who I was, I never got to know him. Ashley tried reaching out when she found out she was pregnant. I ignored her calls, and she eventually gave up. I don’t blame her.”
“But you know him now.”
“Not like I’d like to. And he hates me.”
I rest my head on his chest. “I doubt that. He’s probably just lost and confused.”
“I know the feeling,” Rhett mumbles.
“Me too,” I whisper.
We sit like that for a long while, allowing the day’s warmth to cocoon us. I silently pray, thanking God for His goodness and how He brings beauty from ashes. I ask that He’d remove the weight of Rhett’s past from his shoulders and that God would bring Rhett out of his ashes.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,” I quote Matthew 11:28-30 out loud.
Rhett releases a gentle laugh. “I needed that.”
“It’s one I memorized years ago. After my first love broke my heart.”
He tightens his grip on me. “I hate that you experienced so many heartbreaks and that I was one of them. Never again. Your heart is safe with me.”
I pull back and stare into his eyes. Seeing nothing but sincerity, I say, “I trust you.”
“Good.” He leans forward and presses a kiss to my nose.
I rest my head on his chest and enjoy just being here with him and the feel of his black T-shirt, soft against my skin. The waves crashing against the shore provide the perfect backdrop. Rhett’s spiced cologne mixes with the salty ocean air, and I wish I could bottle it up and inhale it when I crave the peace I feel in this moment.
I’m so comfortable that I start to fall asleep. Just as I doze off, Crew’s voice breaks through my dreamlike state. “What’s going on here?”
I practically jump off Rhett’s lap.
Crew’s chest glistens with sweat, and he pulls his sunglasses away from his eyes. He’s apparently been on a long run; he doesn’t usually travel this far down the shore.
“Get out of here,” Crew grits out, staring down Rhett.
“I know what you’re trying to do, and I love you for it, but I’m okay,” I say, walking to the steps.
Crew’s expression softens. “You are?”
“Grudges are a cancer, and the only cure is forgiveness.” Suddenly, I realize that’s something I need to relay to Gracie the next time I see her.
“You’ve forgiven him? For everything?” Crew asks.
My answer is immediate, but it’s not mechanical—it’s honest. “If Jesus forgave me for all of my sins, past, present, and future, I think the least I can do is forgive those who’ve wronged me.”
Crew casually slides his sunglasses back over his eyes and addresses Rhett. “Well, if Dana has forgiven you, then I guess we’re cool too.”
Rhett gives me a cautious look. I shrug.
“If you’re free tonight, West and I are going to shoot pool at Reggie’s.”
It’s an invite I never expected Crew to extend. But I’m grateful for it all the same.
“Yeah, that sounds like fun,” Rhett answers.
And just like that, the man of my dreams and my best friend are forgetting the past and moving forward.