Chapter Fifty-Three
Dear Mia,
Grief is strange.
For some people, it’s an explosion—fast, chaotic, over in a flash.
For others, it’s a slow simmer—gradual, escalating torture of being slowly burned alive.
That’s me. The latter.
For the last month, I’ve been seeing a therapist. Her name is Marybeth Connors.
She’s a mentor and someone I trust. I told her everything.
About you. About the silence in our house since you left.
About our parents still processing their grief but not saying it aloud, because that would make it real.
About how I tried to live my life for both of us, to be the perfect daughter because they had already lost you.
About how I buried myself in work because I didn’t want to miss the signs again.
About how I wanted to save everyone.
The backs of my eyes burn as I sit at my parents’ dining room table and scribble a letter to my dead twin, something Marybeth recommended in our last session. Some people are better at saying their thoughts out loud. Others are better at writing them down.
I told her the truth I hadn’t admitted to anyone until the cruise.
Deep down, I was unhappy. I wasn’t truly living. I was performing a life I thought others needed me to live.
In the past, Olivia Lin didn’t really exist. She was your twin. She was our parents’ dutiful daughter. She was a rising-star psychiatrist who had it all together. She played it safe. Always.
But that stops now.
Rex taught me that. With him, I felt like I could breathe for the first time.
I felt worthy of being me.
Marybeth didn’t judge me, and I didn’t expect her to. I’ve sat across from patients and listened to their darkest confessions before, knowing life is rarely black and white. Sometimes, good people make the wrong choices.
The condemnation came from within me. I broke my own rules.
I should’ve recused myself the moment my emotions changed flavor, when they became more than professional concern. But I didn’t.
I should’ve protected Rex by finding him the proper care so he could get the diagnosis and treatment sooner. I was blinded by my emotions.
Loving someone doesn’t mean fixing them. Healing through pain doesn’t happen through control.
But that’s life. We all make mistakes. And that’s okay.
I don’t regret loving him though, and I think if you’re up there looking down at me, you are probably cheering him on because he’s a daredevil, just like you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you sent him to me.
A chuckle escapes my lips as my tears dot the paper. I imagine Mia laughing when Rex scared the shit out of me after I leaped off the cliff in Dubrovnik. Or how she’d snicker when she saw me white-faced, stumbling out of the racecar after Rex cosplayed as an F1 driver.
The last two months have been painful, but necessary. I’m finally letting myself feel everything I used to bury.
Anger—because you left me behind without telling me why. Not even a note, Mia? Really? You didn’t think I would be a mess with you gone? You were my best friend.
Guilt—because we were always together before. I should’ve known something was wrong. But as twins, you were probably as good at hiding as I was. I wish you would’ve talked to me.
Grief—because of all the milestones you’ll miss. The tattoo I’ll be getting someday. Joining Lexy to swim with sharks in Hawaii for her bucket list. Falling in love. Getting married. Having kids. And later, grandkids.
Acceptance—because I know I’ll miss you forever, but I don’t need to carry your absence like a punishment.
I have to let go and just…be.
You’ll always be a part of me, but I need to live the part you couldn’t.
So, this isn’t just goodbye.
This is me choosing to keep going.
Choosing to be me.
I’ll miss you and love you forever, but it’s time.
It’s time for Olivia Lin to shine.
Always your dearest sister,
Olive
Sometimes, there is no why in life, or if there is, the answers are hidden. Sometimes, grief and acceptance are best friends, sitting quietly side by side, and your only choice is to survive and thrive.
Sniffling, I wipe away my tears and stuff the letter into a plain envelope, which I’ll take to the cemetery later. The ache deep inside my chest lessens a little.
My phone buzzes on the table, and then it rings.
Snatching it up, I glance at the caller ID. A video call from Lana.
“Happy birthday!” she screams into the receiver when I pick up. “Thirty years old. Welcome to the cool club!”
I snicker, my earlier melancholy vanishing. “You look like you’re going to a New Year’s Eve party.”
The woman even has on a gold cone party hat and a noisemaker.
“I would be flying over and taking you to party in person if it weren’t for—ouch!”
Five more heads pop onto the screen, all of them wearing the same identical party hats. They look like they’re gathered at the Anderson Estate.
“Lana! Seriously, zip it.” Taylor playfully smacks her on the head.
“So violent, sorry, Lana. Tay is only graceful in the ballet studio.” Grace grins at the now scowling Lana.
“What’s going on?” My brows furrow. “I’m confused.”
The girls swivel their attention toward me, their eyes comically huge.
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” Alexis blinks as if a stray lash fell into her eye.
Suspicious. They’re up to no good.
“We want to say happy birthday and tell you we’re thinking about you today,” Belle says. “We miss you on our girls’ nights.”
“You just want to party it up without little Levi.” Millie snorts and plops a gummy bear into her mouth. She loves those things, and Ryland buys them in bulk for her.
Belle grabs a fistful of gummy bears and chucks a few at her. Millie squeals.
“What are your plans for today? Hope you’re doing something nice for yourself,” Lana says.
“Going to visit Mia at the cemetery, then spend my day at a bookstore. I might even try to squeeze in a facial.”
“You coming back soon?” Grace asks. “Any updates from OPMC?”
A bowling ball settles on top of my chest. The last update was this morning via email, a simple “Dr. Lin, we have concluded our investigation and will rule on your case soon.”
It’s nerve racking, not knowing if I even have a career to return to.
I shake my head. “No. Not yet. I think I need to find a Plan B. Go into academia like you, Millie. But who would want a disgraced faculty on their roster?”
“Things will work out. If I believe it, who’s to say it isn’t true?” Alexis quips.
I smile. This is one of her many positive mottos and I love her for it.
“You’re right.”
“Keep your chin up,” Lana says. “I have a feeling everything will work out just fine.”
The mysterious, secretive smile is back, and once again, my hackles rise.
“What are you hiding, Lana?”
She jolts, her face flushing, and the girls groan.
Taylor grabs the phone from her.
“Oh look, uh, we’re late for an appointment,” she stammers. “Gotta go. Love you. Happy birthday, girl.”
Then the line goes dead.
What the hell?
Befuddled, I stare at the black screen when I hear footsteps behind me.
Ma and Ba idle in the doorway, smiling at me. Ma, her salt-and-pepper hair tied back in a low ponytail, holds a small steaming bowl in one hand and a plate in the other. Ba, standing tall and dignified as always, clutches a red envelope.
“Happy birthday, sweetheart,” Ma says, and sets the bowl and the plate onto the table.
I look at the bowl first.
Noodles. In particular, rou zao mian, otherwise known as minced pork noodles.
My eyes mist with tears because I understand. I hear what they aren’t telling me.
“You have to eat on time,” Ma whispers, her eyes tearing up, “and it’s not a birthday without noodles, right?”
In our culture, eating noodles on your birthday means longevity. But this isn’t just noodles, she fixed me minced pork noodles.
“I don’t know how to make that fancy Italian dish you like, but I looked it up online. Boar ragu is like our minced pork, or at least, it looks like it.”
“Ma.” My voice shakes as I stare at the small bowl. Dammit, why am I so emotional?
She squeezes my shoulders and slowly enfolds me in a hug. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Your ba and I love you so, so much, and we miss your sister a lot. But we never realized how much we’ve hurt you by not recognizing you as you. We’re lucky to have you, our wonderful daughter.”
“But aren’t you disappointed? The scandal? I might not be a doctor anymore.”
Ba harrumphs, and I glance at him through my blurry vision. He takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes. “Doctors are a dime a dozen. My Olivia can do anything she wants.”
A teary smile curves my lips, and I blot my tears with a tissue. “That’s not what you said when I graduated from Harvard.”
“I was young then. I didn’t know any better.”
I arch my brow.
“Fine. Not young, young. But we never stop learning, Olivia, you hear me? We make mistakes, fall down, and we get back up. Your ma and I will never stop believing in you. We are your mountain. We will block the winds and storms. You are always welcome here.”
He shoves the red envelope into my hands. “We didn’t know what to get you for your birthday. Use the money to do something nice for yourself. Something you like.”
“Thank you.” I stand and throw my arms around them.
From their gasps, I know I’ve surprised them. Physical affection isn’t their thing, but I know they love just as hard.
Ma murmurs, “I fixed you some cookies too. Not almond. You tell me which ones you like the most, and I’ll make more.”
I glance back at the table. The steaming noodles and the plate, which I now see, holds an assortment of cookies, from chocolate chip to gingerbread.
With my heart full, I say, “The noodles look delicious. And the cookies look perfect. I have a feeling I’m about to find some new favorites.”
Three hours later, I walk down the quiet paths inside Mountain View Cemetery, holding a large paper bag carrying the things I need for later.
The weather is balmy. I’m thankful the skies are overcast, so I won’t be subjected to the wonderful but hot Southern California sunshine.
The soft breeze caresses my skin and I brush my hand through the knots in my hair before giving up.
Letting my hair down means it’ll get messy, and I accept it because it feels good.
Birds chirp overhead, and a squirrel dashes up a tree when he sees me approaching.
A few minutes later, I’m in front of Mia’s grave, a place I can count on one hand how many times I’ve visited in the last twelve years. I read the words inscribed on her marker.
Mia Shuwen Lin
Beloved Daughter, Sister, and Friend
Carpe Diem, Live Every Day Like It’s Your Last
I wasn’t ready before…not like I am now.
Slowly, I set down my bag and pull out a checkered picnic blanket.
Then I take out a glass container and open the lid, revealing a small slice of vanilla cake with rainbow sprinkles.
Her favorite. I prefer chocolate but today isn’t about me.
It’s about us; the end of one journey and the beginning of another.
A sad, bittersweet smile tilts my lips as I take out a small metal can and place my letter inside.
Grabbing a lighter, my pulse ratchets up as I look around, because what I’m about to do is probably illegal. Wildfires are a real threat in California.
But sometimes, it’s okay to break the rules.
Not recklessly. Not carelessly.
But because some moments in life are meant to be felt fully.
Because sometimes, living fully means bending the edges.
Suddenly, I hear the crunching sounds of twigs snapping behind me. The distinct, familiar footsteps. The heated presence and scorching intensity.
I freeze, goosebumps forming on my arms.
“My naughty Olive, what will Smokey Bear say when he sees you starting fires in the wild?” a deep voice says.
I smile.