Chapter 18
Grief – doesn’t work on a time schedule
Nova
I inhale a deep breath and blow it out before entering Five Fathoms Brewery. Today is my least favorite day of the year. But I’m not going to let it get me down. Mom would be mad at me if I did. And I hate to let her down.
I open the door to the restaurant and Sophia, Chloe, Paisley, and Maya rush to me. They engulf me in a group hug and my resolve to remain strong dissolves. I allow the tears to fall.
Once I feel I’ve got myself together, I push away and wipe my eyes.
Maya hands me a tissue. “You didn’t have to come in today.”
I use the tissue to dry my face. “I know.”
My girlfriends are the best. They’re always supportive. Whether it’s the anniversary of my mother’s death or another trip to the hospital because of my hypochondria. It doesn’t matter. They’re there for me.
“Did you tell Hudson?” Sophia asks.
“Why would I tell him it’s the anniversary of my mother’s death? I’m merely a human incubator to him.”
Paisley pushes her glasses up her nose. “You’re not using the term incubator correctly.”
“You know what I mean.”
Chloe raises her hand. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Maya scowls. “She means Nova’s afraid to take a chance on her relationship with Hudson.”
“Hudson and I don’t have a relationship. He doesn’t want me. He wants this baby.” I place my hands over my stomach as if I can protect baby Sprog from my words. I wish Sprog could have two parents who love each other, but it’s not to be.
“He stares at you as if you hang the moon each night,” Maya claims.
I roll my eyes. “You’ve been reading too many romance novels again.”
She sighs. “I do love a grumpy hero.”
“Especially if the grumpy hero happens to resemble Hudson. Hubba hubba.” Chloe waggles her eyebrows.
I wag my finger at her. “Don’t let Lucas hear you drooling over another man.”
She grins. “Lucas doesn’t mind.”
Sophia giggles. “He does mind but you enjoy it when he punishes you.”
Chloe doesn’t deny it and, despite myself, I’m intrigued.
Maya clasps my hand. “What do you want to do today? Anything you want, we’ll do. Mermaid midget golf, Mermaid Mystical Gardens , boardwalk, beach. You name it.”
I squeeze her hand. “It’s sweet but I think I prefer to be alone.”
She frowns. “Why did you come into work then?”
“Because she didn’t want to tell Hudson about today,” Paisley guesses.
Sometimes it’s really annoying having a smart friend.
“If you’re not ready to tell Hudson, you don’t have to,” Maya says. She hands me her car keys. “But please don’t speed, and make sure to avoid Sammy.”
I accept her keys. “How can I avoid Sammy? The seal goes where he wants.”
“You could download the Sammy spotting app.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m a Smuggler. The app is for tourists.”
Since Sammy has become a celebrity due to videos tourists have posted online, the local tourist board developed an app for him. Tourists can add in sightings of the seal, but most tourists use the app to find Sammy.
“At least promise you won’t run him over.”
I gasp and clutch her keys to my chest. “I would never run Sammy over.”
“I don’t like this,” Paisley declares. “Nova shouldn’t be alone today.”
“Thank you for your support, Paisley, but I want to be alone.”
“It doesn’t mean you should be alone.”
“I promise I’ll be back in a few hours. I just need…”
I trail off. I don’t know what I need. It’s been more than a decade since Mom passed away but on each anniversary of her death, my grief feels fresh. I’ve learned to live without her but the pain of the loss is especially sharp today.
Maya hugs me. “Go. We’ll be here if you need us.”
I suck in a breath to keep the tears welling in my eyes from falling and step out of her arms. “Thanks.”
I wave as I exit the brewery. Maya’s car is parked in one of the owner’s spots. I beep the doors unlocked but before I can get inside, the door to the brewery flies open.
“If you’re gone for more than four hours, we’re coming after you.” Maya doesn’t give me a chance to respond before going back inside.
I’m not surprised she gave me an ultimatum. There are limits to my friends’ patience. I switch on the engine and back out of the spot. When I turn around, I notice all four of my friends are standing at the front window watching me.
Four hours? I’ll be lucky if I get two before they send out a search party. In the previous years, they’ve dragged me to the Rumrunner for shots of whiskey. But not this year. This year I have little Sprog.
Sprog. A child my mom will never meet. She’ll never meet her grandchild. Tears flow down my cheeks and I let them. I know from experience there’s no stopping the grief on the anniversary of her death.
I drive aimlessly around the island for a while until I find myself in front of the cemetery. I’m not surprised I’m here. I visit Mom and Dad at least four times a year, if not more.
Guilt swamps me when I realize I haven’t visited since my night with Hudson over two months ago. I hop out of the car and make my way to the flower shop next door where I buy a bouquet of pink tulips for Mom and a bunch of wildflowers for Dad.
Mom loved tulips. Dad bought her a bouquet at least once a month. But there was no schedule as to when he’d come home to surprise her with her favorite flowers or a box of fancy chocolate.
They were deeply, madly in love. I want what they had. Even if I can only have it for a short time like they did. I don’t want to compromise and be with someone who’s only interested in me because I’m having his baby. It doesn’t matter if I’m falling for him. A one-sided relationship is certain to bring misery.
I carry my flowers into the cemetery and wander the paths until I reach their graves. Leo Myers and Stella Myers.
I sweep some debris from their graves before leaning the flowers against their headstones. I sit on the grass in between them.
“Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.”
Thirteen years. I can’t believe it’s been thirteen years since I last saw my mom. Another eleven years on top of those since I saw Dad. I miss them so much.
“Sorry it’s been a while.”
I pluck on the grass while I try to figure out a way to tell them what’s happening.
“I’m having a baby,” I blurt out. “And, no, I’m not married.” I clear my throat. “Actually, I’m not in a relationship with the father’s baby. It’s Hudson by the way. You remember Hudson Clark? Big football star in high school who went on to be a professional in the NFL. He ruptured his Achilles’ tendon a few years back and came home.”
“I feel bad for him. It must be horrible to watch your dreams go up in flames. Although, he’s not doing too bad now. He established this super luxurious resort on the other side of the island. You should see the chalets. They’re to die for. With plunge pools on the terraces. You know how much I love pools.”
I realize I’m rambling and pause.
“It was a one-night stand. I know. I know. I shouldn’t have given into temptation but have you seen Hudson? The man is a walking, talking wet dream.” I cringe. “Sorry, Dad.”
“How do I feel about him?” My smile is wistful. “I think I’m falling in love with him.”
“I wish you were here to talk to. I wish I could ask you how it feels to fall in love. I wish I could hear you tell me the story of how you met one more time.”
Too many wishes that will never be fulfilled.
I realize I’m crying and wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
“We won’t be a family in the traditional sense but I will have a family. The baby I’ve always wanted. I wish Sprog could meet you. You’d be the best grandparents in the world. You’d spoil him rotten and I’d have to be the mean mom every time he came home from visiting you.”
“Nova!”
I glance over my shoulder. Hudson is barreling down the path toward me.
“What are you doing here?”