While We Waited (Smuggler’s Hideaway #3)

Chapter 27

Slow down – not going to happen if Hudson has anything to say about it

Nova

I wake to Hudson’s arm banded around me and his giant hand on my belly. This is everything I ever wanted. A man I love, a baby I love. A family.

I cuddle into Hudson’s warmth. I have a family who I love.

Love.

My chest tightens and breathing becomes impossible as panic seizes me. Love. I can’t love Hudson and the baby. Everyone I love dies.

I should leave. I should run away.

I lift Hudson’s arm and start to scoot away.

“Where are you going?” He growls and I startle.

I think of a lie as fast as I can. “Bathroom. Baby Sprog makes me have to pee.”

He pats my ass. “Hurry back. I have plans for you this morning.”

I shiver at the promise in his voice. Hudson is very good – exceptional actually – at keeping his promises.

“Okay,” I squeak and rush toward the door.

He sits up. “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom.” And now I’ve said the word twice, I really do need to go. I dance from foot to foot.

He points to his attached bathroom. “The bathroom is right here.”

Mermaids on fire! How could I forget about the whole moving into his room thing? Probably because I was panicking about loving him. About getting everything I’ve ever dreamed of. About what happens to all the people I love.

My heart races in my chest and my breathing increases until I’m fighting for air. I can’t answer Hudson. I can’t speak.

I rush out of the room to the guest bedroom and bathroom. I slam the door to the bathroom behind me and lock it before sinking to the floor.

I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

I repeat the words over and over until my heart slows and I can finally breathe. I wipe the sweat from my forehead before standing. I grip the edge of the vanity and switch on the water. I splash cold water on my face.

What am I going to do?

Obviously, I can’t move into Hudson’s bedroom. Maybe I should move back home. Maybe I should end this relationship with Hudson before it gets serious.

I place my hand on my baby belly. Before it gets any more serious, I should say.

Before anyone gets hurt.

Mind made up, I jump in the shower for a quick wash. I don’t bother drying my hair, though. I need to pack and move home. I can’t wait. If I wait, I’ll fall deeper in love with Hudson.

I hurry into my bedroom. Where is my suitcase? Is it in the walk-in closet? Or—

“Why didn’t you come back to bed?”

“AH!” I scream at Hudson’s question. I clutch my chest. “What are you doing in here?”

He stands from the chair and prowls toward me. “Wrong question.”

My brow wrinkles. “Wrong question? How can a question I want an answer to be wrong?”

He stops in front of me and crosses his arms over his chest. Since he’s not wearing a shirt, I get to watch as his muscles bunch with the movement. I nearly lift my hand to touch him before I remember.

I need to leave.

“We agreed you’d move into my bedroom last night. But now you’re showering in the guest bathroom.”

“All my stuff is in there.”

“Why are you running scared?”

“I’m not scared.”

He palms my neck and squeezes. “It’s okay to be scared. Moving in together is a big deal.”

It’s the opening I need. “I think we should slow down. Get to know each other better before we take the next step.”

He cocks an eyebrow. “Get to know each other better? We’ve known each other our entire lives.”

I’ll play his game. “You think you know everything about me?”

“Not everything but I know the important stuff. I know you’re the best salesperson, Five Fathoms Brewing could ever want. I know you love to swim but hate the feel of sand between your toes and salt drying on your skin from the ocean. I know you’re loyal to your friends. I know your smile lights up the room. I know you still grieve for the loss of your parents – your mom especially – but you don’t let the grief overwhelm you. I know you’re going to be the best mom our child could ever want.”

My chest warms. He does know me. It’s almost as if he loves me the way I love him.

“What I don’t know is why you’re panicking and running away from me when you should be running to me whenever you feel panicked.”

The warmth disappears as ice fills my veins at his words.

“I’m not panicking,” I deny. I am not discussing this with him. This is my secret I’ll take to my grave with me.

He places a hand on my cheek. “You are panicking, Sunshine.”

I open my mouth to deny it again but he places a finger over my mouth to silence me.

“No, Sunshine. You aren’t denying what is obvious to see. You think I don’t know what someone having a panic attack looks like?”

“How—”

“No. We’re not discussing my experience with panic attacks. You’re not putting me off any longer. Why are you panicking?”

“Maybe it’s none of your business.”

“It sure as hell is my business when you’re planning to run away from me.”

“I’m not running away.”

He scowls. “You were muttering to yourself about your suitcase when you came dashing out of the bathroom.”

“Maybe I need my suitcase to move my stuff into your bedroom.”

He lifts an eyebrow. “I never pegged Nova Myers for a coward.”

I glare at him. “I’m not a coward! How dare you say I am!”

“If the shoe fits…” He shrugs.

My nostrils flare. How dare he? I am the furthest thing from a coward. He’s not a grump. He’s an asshole.

“I am not a coward. A coward doesn’t hold her mother’s hand as she dies. A coward doesn’t go to school the next day despite knowing everyone pities her. A coward doesn’t get up every single day and smile at life despite how life has kicked her down time and time again.”

My chest heaves as I fight to keep myself from hyperventilating.

“If you’re not a coward, why are you running away from me? From the life we can have together?”

“Because I don’t want you to die!” I scream as tears burst from my eyes and course down my cheeks.

Hudson wipes the tears from my face. “I’m not going to die.”

“Yes, you are! Everyone I love dies.”

He wraps his arms around me and hauls me to him. I cling to him. I shouldn’t. I should push him away. Now that he knows the truth, he won’t care if I leave.

“I’m sorry about your mom and dad. I can’t imagine how devastating it was to lose them at such a young age.”

“It was horrible,” I blubber. “I miss them so much.”

He guides his hand up and down my back as he sways me from side to side. “I know you do, Sunshine. I know you do.”

“Our baby won’t have my mom as her grandmother or my dad as her grandfather. They’re missing everything.”

“We’ll tell them about baby Sprog. And we’ll tell the baby about your parents. We’ll make sure Sprog knows how wonderful they were.”

We? He doesn’t get it. There can’t be a we. I push away from him.

“We aren’t going to do anything because I’m leaving.”

“You are not leaving,” he grumbles.

“You can’t keep me here!”

“I’m not keeping you here. You want to be here.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. I can’t be here. Don’t you get it? Everyone I love dies. I’m saving you.”

“Not everyone you love dies.”

“Really?” I start counting off on my fingers. “One. My dad died before I was ten. Two. My mom died when I was in high school.”

I wave my fingers at him and he catches my hand.

“One. Sophia is still alive. Two. So is Chloe. Three. As is Maya. Four. And Paisley.”

“They don’t count.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Should I tell your friends you don’t love them? You don’t consider them family?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“What about Jack and Lily? Did they not step in to become your pseudo parents when your mom died? Did they not invite you to every family gathering? Did they not make you feel like family? Should I let Lily know you don’t consider her family?”

“I do but…”

He palms my cheeks. “Not everyone you love dies.”

“But…”

“I don’t blame you for having this fear. I’d be a complete basket case if I was orphaned in high school.”

“I’m not a basket case.”

“No, you’re sunshine and happiness and the light of my life.”

“The light of your life?”

His lips tip up and I can’t resist lifting my hand to touch his lips. “Why do you think I resisted you for so long?”

My brow wrinkles. “Because I’m the light of your life? I’m confused.”

He chuckles. “No, because I didn’t want to dim your light. I’m a complete grump who ruins everything he touches.”

“I’m even more confused now. Ruin everything you touch? What have you ruined thus far? Did you forget you have two Super Bowl Championship rings? Or maybe you forgot you have a successful resort so popular guests need to reserve a year in advance? Or what about the mounds of money in your bank account?” I snort. “Ruin everything you touch, my smuggler bottom.”

“If I agree I don’t ruin everything I touch, you have to agree not everyone you love dies.” He holds out a hand. “Do we have a deal?”

I start to reach for his hand. “I’ll agree you made some valid points I will think about more later.”

“And you’ll move into my bedroom and live in this chalet with me as a couple.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “You can’t change the deal after offering your hand.”

“You know you want to stay with me.”

I roll my eyes. “I do, do I?”

“Yep. Because I’ll give you multiple orgasms every night, make you soup whenever you want, hold your hair back when you get sick, drive you wherever you need to go, open every door for you, and be your champion when you’re feeling down.”

“You’re supposed to be a grump. Not a romantic man.”

He grunts. “Not romantic.”

He has no idea. He’s romantic and oh so very tempting.

“You’re not scared, are you?”

My nostrils flare. Scared? I’ll show him. I slap my hand into his. “Fine. Deal. But if you die, it’s your fault, not mine.”

“I’m not going to die.” He kisses my forehead. “Promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I don’t, Sunshine. I don’t.”

I blow out a breath. I hope he’s right. I hope my bad luck doesn’t extend to him. Because if he leaves me, I don’t think I’ll survive.