3 - Lucien
3
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Lucien
When I painted, my world was in order. Reality blurred behind a thick layer of acrylic paint and became a reflection of my dark side. As bizarre, dark, and obscene as the paintings became, every brushstroke had a calming effect on me and felt like a caress. I could concentrate on details for hours and shape them.
I relied on my intuition while working, but at a certain point, I became a perfectionist and found it difficult to complete my project. It was usually an exhibition that forced me to finish, even though I could have spent hours on it. But I needed these moments because without them, I would have lacked an anchor in my life and, sooner or later, I would have been lost at sea.
Despite studying art, I had managed to create a foundation for myself over the last year and a half so that I could make a living from art––without selling myself for anything. This was something I was proud of, as it was something pure. I wouldn’t allow that to be taken away from me again for anything in the world. My art was my lifeline, and without it, I might have ended up in the gutter. Everything else I tried to do ended in disaster, and the fact that Martin hadn’t thrown me out the door yet was nothing short of a miracle––or perhaps due to his faith. Love thy neighbor and all that.
Martin didn’t believe in my theory about happiness. He insisted I simply had talent and should, therefore, take this path. And not only did he believe in me, but he also cared and continued to support and encourage me.
“Lu!”
A voice broke through the roaring metal sound, clear amidst the clamor. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Martin standing in the middle of the studio. He was grinning as he held onto a plastic bag and a rucksack on his back. I hadn’t even heard him come in. I slowly came back to reality. Rays of sunlight streamed through the upper windows, indicating it was already evening.
“Oh, crap!” I switched off the music and jumped up. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”
“It’s all right,” Martin said.
“No! I’m so sorry! I had drifted off.” I rushed to the sink and washed out the brush. “I’ll be right there. I’ll be quick!”
“Lu! Relax! Take it easy.”
I turned to Martin and frowned.
“You’re not late at all. I just thought I’d come and pick you up.”
I furrowed my brows and tried to make sense of it. Why was that? It didn’t make any sense at all. His university was nowhere near here.
“I was at a fellow student’s house. He lives near the gas station.”
“I see.”
I hurried anyway. Martin knew I didn’t like having people here. The studio was my cave, where I could do whatever I wanted. I had settled in pretty well here. The only thing missing was a shower. But it was enough for a quick wash.
Meanwhile, Martin sat down on the couch, pulled a water bottle out of his shopping bag, and drank it in big gulps. “I know you’re in the final sprint and all, but I’m just doing my duty as a friend.” He took out a salmon sandwich and held it out to me. “I was at the gas station store and figured you might be hungry. When was the last time you ate?”
I laid the brushes out on a kitchen towel and grabbed the sandwich. “You’re the best,” I said, picking up my training bag. “Well, let’s go then.”
We left the studio together and made our way to the next bus stop. By the time we got on the bus a few minutes later, I had already eaten the sandwich.
Martin and I had been going to the gym together for a few months now, although we always lost sight of each other during the sessions because we each followed our own workout plan. But we weren’t as dedicated as most of the others there. We were mainly focused on finding a balance, as we didn’t get much exercise in our everyday lives. As difficult as I always found it to leave the studio for a training session, in hindsight, I was glad I had done it.
“I hope it’s okay with you if I bring Jonah to the opening,” Martin said back in the changing room.
“Sure.”
“You didn’t seem particularly happy when I said at dinner that I wanted to take him with me.”
The evening was two days ago, but it was still very vivid in my memory. However, the evening when I met Jonah for the first time was even more vivid in my mind, even though I was pretty drunk by then. At first glance, Martin’s cousin seemed like the epitome of innocence. The way he had looked at the ashtray, full of disgust and loathing, made me understand how he saw me: I was nothing more than dirt to him. But that was okay. For the last year and a half, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was the last scum. I just wished our new roommate hadn’t noticed on the first night.
“He was praying,” I remarked, casting a meaningful glance in Martin’s direction.
He laughed. “What do you think? Jonah grew up just like me. Religion is important to him. Probably even more important to him than it is to me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, yanking on a fresh shirt.
“Well, no sex before marriage and all that.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh no! Poor guy! But don’t tell me he’s someone who denies the theory of evolution. That would really be going too far.”
“Then he would hardly be studying agricultural science. That’s what I told you.”
“So what? These are exactly the kind of people who are nuts!”
“No, he’s not that kind of person. He’s interested in science,” Martin said as he tied his shoes.
I watched him for a while. Martin had worked hard to get Jonah to move in with us and I couldn’t refuse him—even if I wanted to. Besides, Martin was the main tenant. He wouldn’t have needed my approval at all.
“Just do me a favor and be nice to him. Okay?”
“Does he have a disease?”
“No!” Martin laughed. “He’s perfectly normal.”
“As normal as you can be when you don’t have sex before marriage.” I just couldn’t resist the comment.
“Just respect it. Okay? And don’t tease him about it.”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” I sat down to put my shoes on.
“I was in the same situation four years ago as he is now. I know what’s in store for him. And knowing you—”
“What? Are you serious?” I interrupted, gaping at him.
“Let me put it this way: You might scare him. Lucien, he’s not like you. Not everyone is as liberal about their sexuality.”
“I’m not being permissive…”
“Oh yes, you are! And don’t get me wrong—I admire you for that. But please don’t do anything rash.”
“Is that a compliment, or is there something else you’re trying to say?”
“Everyone has their own burden to bear. You should know that better than anyone.”
I didn’t at all like the sudden turn the conversation had taken, after all, I had been stable for several months. “I’m fine,” I said to be on the safe side and remind Martin in case he forgot.
“Then please make sure it stays that way.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.
“Are you coming home today?”
The question caught me off guard, and although I wanted to say yes, I faltered. Not because of the pictures I had to hand in, but because of Martin … or rather because of Jonah. Martin cared so much about his cousin that I could hardly keep up. And why should I? Jonah had already made up his mind about me and I left a rather unfavorable impression. Playing the nice roommate now wasn’t my style. I didn’t care about Jonah anyway, and the more I found out about him, the more I realized that we lived in completely different worlds. Martin was obviously struggling to find a balance between his past and his current life, and the only way to support him was to stay away from the apartment. Besides, I was doing really well. “Maybe it’s better if I go back to the studio,” I said, pondering.
“When do you have to hand it in?”
“Tomorrow evening.”
“All right, then. But don’t forget to eat.”
I put on my best smile. “You know me, don’t you?”
“Exactly. If you haven’t contacted me by tomorrow evening, I’ll have a pizza delivered to you.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“And by the way, I gave Jonah the address too.”
“The address? What address? The studio’s address?” I asked in surprise. “Why would you do that?”
“For emergencies,” Martin responded before shutting the locker. “We both know that you overdo it from time to time. And as your personal physician, I thought it best to give Jonah the address.”
“You’re not a doctor yet.”
“But I will be soon.” He patted me on the shoulder and left the changing room.
“Hey! Wait!” I shouted as I slammed the door to my locker and hurried after him.