White Room Virgin (Room #1)

8 - Jonah

8

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Jonah

When I glanced at my watch, my heart stopped for a moment.

Crap! I overslept for the first time in my life.

I jumped out of bed and gathered my clothes. If I hurried, I could still make it to the second half of the lecture. But then a question popped into my head. What will people think of me if I barge into the middle of the lecture?

And should my unreasonable behavior really go unpunished? I was here in Zurich to study, not to spend my Sunday evenings hanging out in bars. I couldn’t let myself get away with that.

Invisible forces were pressing down on me from all sides, as if God himself was trying to make me understand that I had sinned. And suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. No, the afternoon lecture had to be enough. I hauled my suitcase out under the bed and changed into my training clothes.

I didn’t mind the downpour and flooded streets. I ran like a maniac toward the lake, onto the Horn, through the Botanical Gardens, and back along the other side of the river.

Completely soaked and exhausted, I returned home around noon. When I pushed the front door open, Lucien was just coming out of his room. With tousled hair, puffy eyes, and a T-shirt, he looked as if he had just gotten out of bed.

“Are you crazy?” he asked as I removed my wet shoes from the stairwell and put them on the shelf.

“I missed the morning lecture,” I grumbled, still annoyed about it.

“Ah, self-flagellation,” he mumbled, inserting a cigarette in his mouth before shuffling into the kitchen.

I took off my wet clothes in the hallway and went straight into the shower. Under the hot stream of water, the thought of going to confession again crossed my mind. It had been nearly a year since my last confession, and while in Zurich, there were some things that I needed to confess. For instance, I had to master the art of declining when Lucien insisted on going to a bar on a Sunday night. I had to resist the allure of alcohol due to my low tolerance. Above all, I had to cultivate mindfulness to stay focused on my studies, which were my utmost priority.

Yes, confession wouldn’t be a bad idea to cleanse myself of my sins.

Dressed only in a pair of jeans, I went into the kitchen afterward and promptly ran into a wall of cigarette smoke. I headed straight for the window and opened it. Relieved, I turned around and saw Lucien—I hadn’t even noticed him. He was sitting calmly at the kitchen table in front of an open magazine, with a cup of coffee next to him and a lit cigarette in an ashtray. He glanced at me with a half-open mouth, as if anticipating a snide remark.

“Oh, hello … didn’t see you there.” I don’t know why his presence bothered me for a brief moment. Embarrassed, I forced myself to smile.

Okay, just act normal. He seems to have forgotten our strange conversation from last night.

I filled a kettle with water and switched it on. As I grabbed a tea bag from the cupboard, I wondered if, as a new roommate, I had the right to say anything about the smell. After all, he was subjecting Martin and me to secondhand smoke, which we all knew was equally harmful. If he wanted to ruin his lungs, that was his choice, but I could feel the nicotine-filled air constricting my lungs while I went running.

Well, maybe it’s better to talk to Martin about it first.

Although it seemed as if he didn’t care about the odor of cigarettes—he even left his bedroom door open all the time—it was possible that he simply forgot to close it and would have been happy if someone had mentioned the smoking. On the other hand, Lucien was here, and I had the chance to sort it out here and now. I wondered if he was the type of person who would be unreasonable about this matter, but ultimately, it was about respect.

As I stared at the kettle, I continued to weigh my options.

If the cigarette smoke bothers Martin, wouldn’t he say something by now? The way he talks about Lucien, the two of them seem to be very close. No, it’s unthinkable that the two of them haven’t already discussed it.

In the end, I decided to leave the subject alone today. Besides, Lucien was often in his studio, so the days when he polluted the air here were manageable. I poured myself a cup of tea and leaned against the kitchen counter, looking at Lucien.

He was still sitting there, cigarette now in hand, observing me as if he knew exactly what I had just been thinking about. His eyes wandered over my upper body. I tried to conceal it, but my eyebrows twitched in irritation, nonetheless. He didn’t even try to hide it. If I hadn’t already been topless, I would have felt like he was undressing me just by looking at me. I felt a tingling in my stomach and became aware of my body that the path his gaze took felt like a gentle touch on my skin. A cold shiver ran down my spine, and I felt the cool breeze through the window brushing against my nipples. Although my stomach muscles weren’t particularly pronounced, I felt each one distinctly in that moment. Embarrassed, I stroked my wet hair.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, trying to sound as confident as possible.

Lucien didn’t seem to hear me at all. Lost in thought, his gaze wandered from my belly button down to the waistband of my pants. He cocked his head slightly, resembling an animal on the lookout, and bit his lower lip.

“Lu!”

His eyes locked with mine, and I felt as though I had been struck by lightning. You’re handsome , he had said to me. You have a nice face. And a good figure too. My breath suddenly stopped. My chest rose and fell. My pulse quickened and a surge of heat rushed into my head.

What is going on here?

As much as I writhed under his intense scrutiny and wished to flee the situation, I hesitated. I didn’t want him to stop this strange kind of caress. I wanted him to look at me. He had already ignored me too often.

Since he embraced me in the stairwell, something had changed. Was it because he had gotten so close to me? He had breathed in my scent. I felt his unshaven cheek against my neck, and his green eyes gleamed like sunlight filtering through the treetops, making the leaves dance.

I tilted my head slightly in anticipation, at which point Lucien averted his gaze and nervously plucked at his lips with his left hand. He appeared pensive, embarrassed, and somewhat melancholic, nervously tapping his leg. The cigarette between his fingers had burned down in the meantime. He stubbed it out before the ash could fall onto the table. Clearing his throat, he grabbed his coffee cup and retreated into his room without uttering a word.

In an instant, the warmth that had gathered within me dissipated, leaving me abruptly cold throughout. I immediately closed the window.

What just happened here?

I searched the walls for answers, but secretly, I knew exactly what had just happened: Lucien had enjoyed the sight of my naked upper body. And I liked it.

No! That can’t be right.

I gasped, setting my cup down as I pressed my hand against my chest. Yet, my whole body tingled, and my skin burned with heat.

I should put some clothes on.